The Connect Who Took My Heart Away 3

by Coco Shawndé

  “I do too bae. We all do.” I explained. Hosea had been bottling up all his emotions, not letting nothing out. I knew it was a matter of time for him to just explode. That was why I tried to talk to him on a daily, even though he made it difficult.

  “I could never leave my kids. It doesn’t matter how grown they is, Yosohn going to need his father. He needs me, and I wouldn’t go nowhere at his expense. I wouldn't leave my boy.” he stressed.

  Hearing him vent, I knew all this would take time. I was just happy he was at least talking to me right now. When he stated we needed to take a step back, it crushed me for many reasons. Still, I didn’t know where we stood or exactly what he meant.

  “Zay, I feel like I’m losing you in all this.” I admitted.

  “I just need us to take a step back.” he said, rubbing his head. “That’s all.”

  Resting my head on the pillow, I wished I never even asked him to explain deeper. Thoughts of just leaving it alone came, but it was already too late. He said what he meant.

  “Whatever you want.” I shrugged off, hurt as fuck in the inside. I knew he was going through a bad time, but not a bad enough time to where he felt he had to break up with me.

  Hosea continued to hold up a conversation, but it was forced to me, so I didn’t indulge. He left out, and I finally pulled myself together. He was meeting me at the construction site to get my take on the development. He had to make other runs, so I told him I would just drive myself.

  As promised, he was taking care of everything with my new location. Only thing I had to do was make my demands, and he was coming through the strong way. This was no small project of mine. Just like today, I was simply going to check on the updates. Jhaere was coming to start up the plans for the grand opening to pull everything together. How I was feeling, a party was the last thing I wanted to have, but Hosea wasn’t calling it off. He felt it would be attention well needed on the facility.

  Luckily, the boys and Duchess had rode with Hosea, so I was able to take my time getting dressed. Rocking a button down denim jumpsuit, I was standing tall in my gold sandal heels. With my Chanel clutch, I was heading out the door with my oversized sunglasses on. In my range truck, I allowed the sunroof to go back, and headed over to the construction site.

  It took me no time to arrive, and I could see some development just from pulling through the gravel rock driveway they had for vehicles to drive on. Stepping out, I was extra careful on the rocks.

  “Mommy!” C.J yelled out, and ran right to me. Yosohn was right behind him.

  “Hey boys!” I said giving them hugs. They held my hands and walked me to the trailer. They were seconds from arguing about who got to hold the door open until Obasi came from the inside.

  “Sis, I got one question. How I get a spot hurr?” he said, rubbing his hands together like birdman. I was barely able to get out of the heat from his questioning. Hosea was off in the corner taking a call with Duchess on his hip.

  “I’m sorry. It’s already a waiting list.” I giggled.

  “You doing it like that, sis?” he said, looking over blueprints and the model of the property. Hosea wanted to make sure he had every detail right, so he paid for the model to be done. “No bull shit…how much a place like this cost to build.”

  “A hundred.” I answered, taking a seat.

  “A hundred thousand?”

  “No...million.” I said nodding my head. “Nothing cheap. The residents pay for their stay monthly. Three hundred is my max that I can have in the facility. It cost ten to fifteen thousand to be here a month. It’s luxury in retiring and I try my best to fulfill those needs.”

  “You on yo shit.” he said, slapping five with me. Obasi was all into the construction now. Hosea eventually joined us, and came trying to kiss on me, because he knew a bitch was looking good. There was no beef with us. I needed him to know a step back was what he asked for, and would get.

  “You okay?” he asked me, stealing a kiss on my lips anyway.

  “Hey Duchess.” I said, seeing his sister.

  “You got on my outfit.” she pointed out. Smiling, I was glad she was becoming more social. She had come a long way from the first time I met her. Duchess showed that all it took was some real parenting. With that lazy shit, Duchess may have never talked and progressed like she has.

  “We twins.” I said wrapping my arms around her small body and kissing the top of her head.

  Going forth with getting the updates like I came for, Hosea was driving me around on the golf cart, and explained what was happening, and what was next.

  “The flags just came today. I was going to have them put up during the party.” he let me know. “Like after the ribbon cutting.”

  “That’s cool.” I dryly replied.

  “Dice?”

  Looking over at him, he had this look on his face, and I couldn’t quite read into it. Not saying a word, he finally opened his mouth. He stopped driving and all. I was annoyed that fast because it was hot a hell outside. I was fine in my jumpsuit earlier, but now I was wishing I hadn’t put it on.

  “This about earlier at the house? About me saying I needed to take a step back?” He implored.

  “Why would you say that? Why do you feel we need that? Right now. Out of all times?” I said shaking my head back and forth as I spoke.

  “Emotionally, I’m not there for you. This whole ordeal with my parents...I don’t want you giving more than what I can dish back right now.” he admitted. “I’m in love with you Dice...I am. Me lashing out, I don’t want to damage us for something that has nothing to do with us. It has nothing to do with you, and I see me going off on you, when you are not the target. You did me no wrong. I love you. I want you, but I’m not in a good headspace. That doesn't mean I don’t want you around. I still want us together, just give me time to figure out Hilary and Moss.”

  “That’s selfish. You don’t even want to deal with Hilary and Moss. You´d rather be angry.” I said, growing emotional about how he was basically breaking up with me. “I won’t force this. I don’t need your help here anymore. I’ll handle the construction site and I’ll go home.” I wasn’t trying to make him realize what he had, or even go back on his word. He was putting his cards out, and so was I.

  “Yo!!” he barked at me, and showed me right away how easily tempered he could get.

  “Lower your voice. We’re done.” I said, fed the fuck up.

  All I did was be there for him. Whether he was still mad about me bringing Hilary to him, I wasn’t sure. Maybe he was angry still, and that was something he was holding in.

  Hosea jumped out the golf cart, storming off on feet. I moved over, and drove back to the trailer. Tying up some loose ends, and letting the site manager know to call me from here on out, I was leaving. C.J wanted to stay, so I let him. I knew if I did, I would have time to gather our things from Hosea´s house. I sent Jhaere a text to reschedule, and she quickly let me know she would be in St. Louis for the next two weeks, and to call her office when I was ready.

  Packing up, I shed not one tear until I was back at home with all of our bags from Hosea home. To be back here, and on these terms, I locked myself in my room. I put my phone on do not disturb, and C.J was the only one that could get through. Hosea needed a step back and I think I needed one.

  With a week passing, I was making good on not crossing paths with Hosea. Murk and Hyatt had been taking C.J to football practice, but today I was going to their game. I wasn’t going to miss him playing because of the break-up. I had stayed my ass home long enough, and the game would give me fresh air.

  “Rocco! Can you take those waters out the fridge?” I yelled down to the first floor.

  “Yeah, girl.” she said back, and I saw her go from the great room to the kitchen.

  Going back to my room, I heard the front door chime. I didn’t think nothing of it as I put my clothes on. I was wearing some Robin Jean’s and a custom made shirt with C.J´s name and number on it. When my phone began to ring, I picke
d it up, but set it on the counter. Pulling my hair up, I took a deep sigh as I realized who was on the phone.

  “Mrs. Harrison, you seem to have missed your scheduled appointment this morning at eight. Would you like to reschedule now while I have you on the phone?”

  “Ummm-” I started but I froze.

  No one knew. I didn’t tell a soul. But I was pregnant. After Hosea felt he needed to take a step back, I didn’t see why he would want a baby right now. I was fixing to tell him, but when he put everything out, I held back. I moved back home, and I kept my distance. I was set to get the abortion this morning, but I couldn’t get out the bed to go. With C.J game, I told myself I would make it for another day.

  “Please ma’am. Take your time. We’re here if you need us. You can call back and set a new date, but you have the time.” The lady informed. “You have options. We know how stressful a pregnancy can be, Mrs. Harrison. Whether you want to terminate now, continue to carry, or even the option of a closed or open adoption.”

  “Will I need to have another ultrasound if I decided another date to terminate the pregnancy?” I asked, with the phone on speaker, and walking out of the bathroom.

  With my head down, all I felt was wind under my feet! Hosea snatched my phone so damn quick, and yoked me up against the wall.

  “Hello!!” he barked into the phone, with a red face.

  “Uh-uh..yes?” the lady stammered. His grip on me let me know he wasn’t letting me go nowhere.

  “Bitch!! Ain’t no fucking appointment for no fucking abortion!! You calling to kill my seed? Bitch, where you work!?” Hosea barked into the phone, dead ass serious. I was scared, and so was the woman on the line.

  “I’m sorry, sir!” After that, she hung up.

  “What are you doing??” I asked him through a strained voice. He flung me right to the bed, and kept his grip on me. Now on my back on the mattress, he was leaned on stop, pinning me down.

  “Calling back on my phone and blocking her off yours! So, you pregnant? You don’t want to be though, huh?” he said with my phone and his. He was so thirsty to call back, he didn’t even look down at me. He just punched in the number.

  “Don’t call her back! Gimme my phone!” I smartly said, and he tossed my phone to the other side of the bed.

  “I’m about to get her together, then yo ass! You so fucking cold for this! Really, DICE! Kill my fucking seed? That’s what type of time you on?” he roared, with his chest poked out.

  “You don’t even want me, Hosea! How do I keep a baby, when you made it clear where we stood?” I argued.

  “This shit you doing, I fucking hate you for it.” he said in my face, with his phone glued to his ear. Shaking the tears away, this fool really called the clinic back and was cursing out EVERYBODY.

  “Dice Harrison...Yeah, I just spoke to the other bitch. I’on know what type of baby slaughterhouse y’all running, but I’m ‘bout ‘dat behind mine!!! Y’all let her walk in there to kill my seed, I’m coming at y’all hoes head! Ain’t no killing babies over hurr!” he snapped, and I snatched his phone. He was beyond embarrassing me right now.

  “What you crying for? I should be the one crying right now!” he said, bucking at me in my face.

  From there, we went toe to toe arguing about this shit. Rocco eventually came upstairs, and I told Hosea to leave my house.

  “Dice...what the hell happened?” Rocco said, coming into the bathroom where I stood up against the sink counter.

  “I’m pregnant.” I revealed. “And I don’t know if I can do this. I know I moved on from Chaunce. It all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had planned my whole life with that man, and I know it sounds bad that I’m even bringing Chaunce back into this. But I’m scared. I don’t want two baby daddies. I don’t want another marriage. Hosea, he wants all that. This baby...it stressed me out from the first day I found out. I was planning on killing this baby, so how do I now try to go back and love on it? I didn’t want it...I’m scared, and Hosea doesn’t get it. He doesn't get himself right now. I can’t even bring Chaunce´s name up in this because he’s going to go off on the deep end.” I cried.

  “You don’t want the baby because you scared at some point you will be doing it all by yourself? You think something may happen to Hosea?” She said, knowing me all too well.

  “Yes.” I cried. “He’s going to just say that’s my excuse and my way out. He already seeing how my emotions running, so he is going to call me overly sensitive if I speak on anything with him getting hurt. I don’t want to deal with that because I know my heart. I love Hosea, and I cry because of that love we got. But if he keeps on with everything being about him, I don’t know how we’ll deal with a baby.” I confessed.

  “Y’all need to take some days apart, and then have a conversation.” she suggested.

  “I know I’m fucked up and it’s because of how Chaunce was taken from me and the secrets I learned later. I didn’t tell anyone, but I´ve been seeing a therapist. I don’t even know if it’s helping because after the first session, my ass was booking that abortion. I guess I was able to see all my problems in front of me, and it scared me.” I openly admitted.

  “You reacted.” she said, rubbing my arm. “You and Hosea have to get back. He has stress on him, you have stress on you. Instead of working against, work together.”

  “I tried with him.” I said folding my arms, feeling defeated. “That man locks up his feelings, and that’s it. I bet not ask or even hint to the shit. He’s not ready.”

  “You want this to work? Sometimes it feels like you pulling the wagon alone. But just like it was times he had to pull the wagon alone and you were shutting him out...What did he do? He stayed and he fought for the both of you. He obviously wants the baby. It’s your body, and your mental health on the line and no one can say what you´re ready for. Not me and not even a doctor. You live with your own decisions. I’m always here. Never going nowhere, and you have support. Even your brothers. Y’all might be at odds sometimes, but they love the fuck out you.” she coached.

  Wiping my eyes, I checked the time on the clock. Right now, I didn’t know what I was going to do regarding the baby. I felt like I was in postpartum depression and I hadn’t even had the baby. That shit was scary as hell to be going through and to do it alone.

  “Check your phone. I just got an email saying it´s too hot for the boys to play today. No game.” Rocco said, showing me her phone. I quickly picked up my phone, and read the same email. I knew C.J and his teammates were ready to get on that field, but I was glad I didn’t have to fake it in front of everyone.

  Rocco invited me over to her house for a cookout to get me out. I tried to refuse, but she wasn’t having it. So, the remainder of my day, I was with her and the rest of the family. C.J and the kids were all in the pool. Even Charli was there, and from what Rocco told me, Murk would have her longer than expected because her mother still wasn’t doing good enough to be discharged from the hospital. Watching her with the kids, she blended right on in. C.J face stayed with a smile, and I couldn’t had been more grateful to see it.

  8

  Miani

  Sitting back on my couch, I watched my mother and dad play with Easton. We were at my apartment when she called until I answered for her. It was known that our relationship was over with. She knew how I felt, and what she had to say wasn’t going to be heard. Only reason I allowed her here today was my son.

  Easton missed his grandparents. He asked about them damn near every day. So, for him, I would let him continue to see them for the time being, but I would be right there during the visit.

  “PaPa, watch this.” Easton squealed, showing them some combo move on the game. From the kitchen, I could see everything and hear everything. Washing the dishes, I watched my mother make her way to me.

  “Thanks for today.” she said, looking around the small kitchen. I loved my home, and even though I had big bank in my accounts, I wasn’t pressed on moving just yet. Plus, me and Obasi was looking a
t houses together. My mother knew how much money I was sitting on, and didn’t understand why I was still in this two bedroom apartment. To me, I made this home. So, for now, I would appreciate the peace I found here.

  “You’re welcome. I don’t mind you all seeing Easton. But when the adult issues come his way, I’m cutting ties. My son won’t be involved in anything I don’t agree with. He’s my son.” I said, knowing my mother had ran my life to the point, she always dictated how I raised my own child.

  “I know, Miani.” she said, agreeing, and putting her head down briefly. I could tell it was something on her chest that she wasn’t letting off. Drying my hands, I turned my body towards her.

  “What is it?”

  “Look, me and you father really didn’t want to ask. We are about to lose the house if we don’t bring the mortgage current.” she revealed.

  “You all can stay here until you all find somewhere else.” I offered.

  “What? You can’t just give us the money? It’s nothing compared to what you took from Ralph!” She went of, growing defensive.

  With my mouth almost dropping, for a second I forgot this woman brought me into this world. Shaking my head, this woman hadn’t changed one bit.

  “I offered you and dad a place to stay. That’s not enough?” I questioned.

  “No! Why would we want to stay in a place like this?!” She replied while tossing her hands around.

  “Because soon enough you won’t have NOTHING!” I smartly replied. I knew she didn’t care for how I was living now, but to know she looked down on me, it moved something in my spirit.