This Stolen Life

by This Stolen Life (retail) (epub)

  Soma padded over to the small mirror that hung by the door and looked at her reflection. She had changed. Apart from the pallor that seemed to mute everything in England, her face had changed. Where before she had been thin to the point of being bony, her face was now fuller, and her eyes looked less enormous compared to the rest of her features. Her hair was still short, but no longer boyish. Somehow, it made her look older, which was useful, given that she was supposed to be twenty-five.

  She turned her face from side to side and examined it. This face belonged to Soma. It was right that it wasn’t the same as Jaya’s. She wondered what would happen if she ever needed to be Jaya again. What proof did she have? The thought made her give a sniff of laughter. She now had so much paperwork with Soma’s name on it that it was easier for her to prove her identity as someone else than it was to be herself. As far as everyone in England was concerned, she was Soma and Soma was the one that Sahan loved.

  He had asked her, in a roundabout way, if she had ever had a relationship before. She had answered, truthfully, that she hadn’t ever had a boyfriend. The boys in her village had all been friends, almost like cousins and when she finally got to work at the sewing mill, her supervisor had taken a very stern view of her young charges fraternizing with the opposite sex. By then Soma was too scared to look at any male, man or boy, anyway.

  The thought of him made her skin creep. She rubbed her side without thinking, soothing the tiny scars. Should she tell Sahan? All that belonged to Jaya and she wasn’t that person any more. Jaya was a poor, damaged soul. Sahan deserved someone better than that. Someone like Sahan deserved someone better than Soma too, really.

  Even in the short time that she’d known him, she’d realised that Sahan was not like other men. He actually looked at her face and listened when he talked to her. In all the weeks they’d met at the park, he had made no attempt to ‘accidentally’ bump into her, or put his arm around her or touch her in any way until that day in York. Finally Soma had met someone who seemed to want to know her as a person first. That was one of the things that had made her love him.

  She hadn’t lied, but was letting him think she was sweet and untouched any better than lying? What happened when things went further? When it came to it, Sahan would realise that she wasn’t a virgin. As much as she’d like to think that it would make no difference to him, it would matter.

  Would she be able to tell him about what had been done to Jaya at some point? Could she ever be completely honest with him? Could she really live a life where he never called her by her own name?

  * * *

  After he hung up from speaking to Soma, Sahan couldn’t concentrate on his reading. He was sitting on the floor again, leaning against his bed. In various places around the room, he had stacks of books. He tipped his head back so that he couldn’t see the mundane reality of exams, but the glorious hope in the posters on his wall. He relived the sound of her saying ‘Sahan’, happiness thrumming down the line. She sounded happy and that made him happy. He closed his eyes and pictured her face smiling at him over a teacup in York, her eyes shining as she talked about how much she loved the York Minster. She made him feel… bigger, better than he really was. More alive. As though, until he’d met her, he’d only been playing at being a person and mere contact with her made him more himself than he’d ever been before. For her, he was enough.

  So this was what it was like to be in love. All the songs, the books, the films that were written about this feeling, they were all right, yet none could do it justice. Sahan grinned. None of them even got close to the real thing.

  After a few minutes daydreaming, he sat up again, focusing on the real world. If he wanted to be with Soma, he had to think of a way to make it happen. He pulled a notepad towards him and started to make a list of what was in his way. He wrote in quick bullet points, making notes in Sinhalese, so that Nate couldn’t find them and rib him about it later.

  His parents would not approve.

  Hers might not either. She rarely mentioned her family. Even when he asked, she would quietly sidestep the subject. He added a note to ask her about them.

  He had no money of his own. Neither had Soma.

  He had no job to go to and it was unlikely he could stay in Hull. Soma would have to go home in a little over a year, when her visa expired.

  Sahan looked at the list of seemingly insurmountable problems. At the end, in small, tight letters, he added ‘Tamsin’, then immediately scribbled it out. He couldn’t let that woman ruin his life any more than she already had. Soma was healing him of the damage Tamsin had done. He could feel it. It was time he forgot that Tamsin even existed.

  He tore the page out and started a new page. Options. He could tell his parents – there would be hell to pay and they would be very upset. He pictured his mother’s disappointment. He could probably live with his father’s anger, but he couldn’t face hurting his mother. But that aside, what would they do? It took him only a few seconds to work that out. They would make him come home. Cut him off from her. They would make Yamuna send Soma home, forcing her out of her job with a pay-off. Under no circumstances would they let him remain anywhere near her. He crossed that option off his list.

  He could leave Soma and hope that time would heal his pain. After a moment of staring at the sentence, he crossed that out too. He couldn’t face that either.

  He could marry her anyway, in secret and tell his parents about it afterwards, when it was too late to do anything. He tapped his pen on the paper, mulling over this option. His parents would be very, very angry. They had never understood that they couldn't impose all their values on him. They might expect disobedience and recklessness from Priyanka, but he had never fought them before. They would never see it coming. He thought of his mother again and felt a squeeze in his chest. Might she forgive him in time? His father would be furious – for the betrayal of trust and the damage to his political career. His selfish actions could well cost his father a place in parliament. Would he be able to live with the knowledge that he’d hurt his parents so badly?

  He might even do irreparable damage to his relationships with more distant relatives. Yamuna might support him though – after all, they got on quite well and she liked Soma well enough to trust her with Louie… And his sister would think it impossibly romantic, if a bit stupid. Maybe she could help talk their parents round to forgiving Sahan for his betrayal. Once they met Soma, they’d know that she wasn’t a gold digger or some awful clingy creature. They’d love her too, eventually. Who wouldn’t?

  The more he thought about it, the more the option seemed the most plausible. His parents would get over it, he was sure. Especially if he showed them that Soma would be an asset to his future, rather than the catalyst for ruin.

  If he could get a job, then rent a place big enough for two... He looked around his room. He didn’t have that much stuff. Soma wouldn’t either. She didn’t seem the hoarding type. So somewhere small would do for the both of them. But he still needed a job to pay for it. And for that, he needed to pass his exams. He sighed, tore that page out of his notebook, put it with the other one, and went back to his books.

  Chapter Nineteen

  With two exam papers down and only a few more to go, Sahan was too tired and numb to find any real food, so he made himself a bowl of cereal for lunch. His phone rang. He fished it out of his pocket and spotted an unfamiliar number. As he answered it, Nate ambled in. Sahan walked over to the window in order to have some semblance of privacy.

  ‘Hi Sahan, this is Gary Crowmarsh from Winterbrook Engineering. You had an interview with us last week.’

  His mouth went dry. If they were rejecting him, they would have just sent a letter. Did this mean…? ‘Um… hi.’

  There was an awkward pause at the other end, then Mr Crowmarsh cleared his throat. ‘Well, basically, we would like to offer you the job, if you still want it.’

  ‘Oh. Wow. ‘

  ‘We’ll send you a letter, which should arrive by tomorrow
. If you could let us know whether you want to accept the job in the next few days, that would be great. If you have any questions, of course, you have my number. Or you can email me. Do you have my email address?’

  ‘Yes. I have your business card.’

  ‘Excellent. Well, I’ll look forward to hearing you soon then.’

  ‘Um. Yes. Thank you. Bye.’ He hung up and stared at the phone. ‘Shit.’

  ‘Bad news?’ said Nate, as he put bacon in a frying pan.

  ‘No. Good news. I’ve just been offered a job!’ He was still having trouble believing it. He had almost given up hope of finding a job that would let him stay in the UK.

  ‘Hey, congratulations!’ Nate grinned. ‘That’s great. You going to take it?’

  Sahan nodded.

  ‘So where is it, this job? Somewhere local?’ Nate added an egg to the pan. He maintained that protein was the only way to keep your strength up during exams. He seemed to have gone off vegetables entirely.

  ‘Teesside. I don’t even know what it’s like to live over there. I mean, is it colder than it is here?’

  Nate pondered this for a moment. ‘I can’t say I’ve ever been up that far north,’ he said. ‘But I’ll tell you, people are pretty friendly around here. They’ll probably be just as friendly up there. I reckon, the further away people get from London, the happier they become.’

  Sahan grinned. Nate’s suspicion of London was always a source of amusement. ‘You’ll be heading to London soon, you wait.’

  ‘No chance, mate. No chance.’ Nate brought his plate of protein over and squirted chilli sauce on it. ‘Does this mean that you’re going to be able to keep seeing the lovely Soma? Teesside’s only a few hours away by train…’

  ‘I haven’t thought it through that far. I guess it’s a workable option.’

  Nate pointed his wooden spatula at Sahan. ‘This makes it crunch time, my friend. Do you like this girl enough to take on your family? Or not?’

  Sahan sighed. ‘I don’t know, okay? I like her. I really, really like her. But…’ He pushed away his bowl of cereal, all appetite now gone. ‘You know what, I can’t think about this right now. I have revision to do.’

  ‘You know you’re going to get a first anyway. You can do this shit with your eyes shut.’

  Sahan walked away.

  Back in his room, he texted his parents and asked them to get on Skype.

  It took him a few minutes to tell them about the job. There was a moment when they both stared at the computer screen, frowning. Sahan wondered what was wrong. Then his mother let out a huge sob. His father gave a cheer. ‘Well done son! We are so proud of you.’

  His mother, tears pouring down her face, said, ‘It’s exactly what we hoped. We are so proud. So proud.’ She lifted her arms as though she wanted to hug him and, pausing, turned to grip his father’s hand instead. He put his free arm around her.

  ‘Yes, yes. Well done, Sahan. It’s wonderful news. I knew you could do it.’

  Sahan smiled, then, feeling his excitement should reflect his parents’, forced a grin.

  ‘Is it a good offer?’ said his father, settling back into sensible mode, although the smile didn’t quite leave his face.

  ‘Not bad, I think.’ Sahan told them what had been on the job advert. ‘Subject to my passing my degree, obviously.’

  ‘Ah, but that’s not going to be a problem.’ His father waved this aside with absolute faith. His mother nodded, still smiling and dabbing her eyes.

  ‘Once you’re settled,’ his mother said, ‘we can slowly start looking for someone for you.’

  He remembered just in time that he was on video and kept his face neutral. He didn’t respond to his mother’s comment but talked instead about how Teesside had an airport and train connections. He was babbling, but his parents were too happy to notice.

  By the time Sahan signed out of Skype, his parents had his entire future mapped out. He shut the lid of his laptop and stared ahead. He could almost see his life from now on. He had the degree and the offer of a steady job. His parents would introduce him to a stream of ‘suitable’ girls – bright, educated, middle class Sri Lankans. He would have a tidy, conventional life, married to someone who was perfectly adequate, but nothing special. He thought of Yamuna. When she had married Bim, most of the extended family had jumped in with comments about how Yamuna had ‘done well’. She was comfortable with Bim, of course she was, but even Sahan could see that she wasn’t happy. He had hoped that the birth of Louie would lift that resigned look from his cousin’s face, but if anything, she looked worse.

  Was that the sort of life he wanted? Married to an unobjectionable woman? Living in the suburbs with their unobjectionable children? The thought of touching someone brought with it a hint of nausea. Why was that happening again?

  He closed his eyes. He could see the house, the kids… but the only woman he could see next to him was Soma. Soma. Her sparkle, her eyes. The thrill of his fingertips brushing her cheek. The warmth and safety of her smile.

  He had spent his whole life doing exactly what his parents wanted him to do. They had chosen his A-level subjects for him, tipping him inexorably towards engineering because of its employment prospects. They had ‘helped’ him choose the right university course, conveniently in a town where his cousin lived, in case he needed anything (and so that she could keep an eye on him). Every decision he made was weighted in some way by his family and his love for them.

  But by controlling his life in the name or protecting him, they’d left him unprepared to fend for himself. Having been sheltered from making his own stupid mistakes early on, his first encounters with the unfamiliar had knocked him sideways. He had never really tested his boundaries either. He had been happy to drift along doing what his parents told him because it was easy. There was no need to fight them, when he had no objection to what they wanted him to do. But now, he wanted something they could not countenance. The question was, was he willing to disappoint his family in order to be with Soma?

  Sahan carefully moved the computer off his lap. Yes, he decided. Yes he was. He grinned and looked at the paperwork around him. Before he did any of that, he had to pass his exams first. Still smiling, he picked up his books again.

  * * *

  Soma sat on her bed, the phone pressed to her ear.

  ‘Provided my exams go well, I’ll be able to move up to Teesside in about eight weeks’ time,’ Sahan said.

  ‘So soon.’ Her heart creaked. She thought she’d accepted that he would have to leave. He had a job to go to. Of course he would leave. But, she realised, she had been hoping that somehow he wouldn't. That perhaps he would have found a job nearer. Or decided to carry on studying. Anything to keep him near.

  ‘You can come with me,’ he said, as though it was obvious.

  ‘Wh—’ Her heart picked up speed. ‘Really?’

  He laughed. ‘Yes, really.’

  She forgot to breathe. It took her a second to realise that, in her elation, she’d stopped talking. ‘Sahan... ’

  He chuckled again. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I want us to be together, properly. Not just for stolen afternoons in the park. I want to explore my new home with you.’

  ‘Oh. I would like that.’ Images of herself walking next to Sahan, proud and free, like the girl in the shampoo commercial, flashed through her mind. She put her hand up and found her hair. It was no longer heavy and flowing. It was short and choppy. Reality crashed back in. ‘But what about baby Louie? And my work? I can’t just leave them.’ It was as though all her hopes had been raised, only to be dashed against the same rocks again and again.

  ‘If we want to be together…’ The line rustled. She wondered if he’d sighed or merely changed position.

  ‘I do want to be with you. I do. But if I run away with you… Madam will report it to the police and… and she’ll worry.’ How odd. She had run away before without any concern for those she’d left behind. She had no great love for Yamuna
Gamage but, she realised with sudden clarity, Madam had treated her well. She had been happy, comfortable, respected, in this house. Things she hadn’t been for a long time at her mother’s house. Her eyes drifted up to the small bolt that Sahan had affixed to her door. And safe. She was safe in this house.

  ‘We’re going to have to tell her,’ said Sahan.

  ‘What? No. She’ll go mad. She’ll… send me home. People like you don’t marry people like me. Your family—’

  ‘Let me worry about my family,’ said Sahan. There was a hard edge to his voice that she had never heard before. She wished she could see him, look into his eyes.

  ‘I think,’ Sahan continued, ‘that we can persuade Yamuna and Bim to help us.’

  ‘Why would they do that? I’m their servant. I look after their son.’ Sometimes it was like they lived in different worlds. It was alright for him. The worst they could do to him was stop talking to him for a while. For her, on the other hand, things would be different. ‘I don’t want to lose this job.’

  ‘Soma,’ said Sahan quietly. ‘You can’t have it both ways.’

  She knew that. But he was asking her to give up this safe place and go away with him to somewhere unknown. What if it went wrong?

  ‘Soma,’ Sahan said, after a few moments of silence. He sighed. ‘I need to see you. We can’t discuss this over the phone. My exams will be over in a couple of days. We’ll meet up in the park and work this out, okay?’

  He made it sound like it was a real possibility. Did she dare hope it was?

  ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Sleep well. I hope you remember everything you need to in your exam tomorrow.’

  ‘Soma.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Think about it.’

  As if she was going to be able to think about anything else. ‘I will.’

  After she hung up, she lay on top of her bed, the phone clutched against her heart. Sahan loved her. He wanted to be with her. Emotion swelled in her chest and brought tears to her eyes. She loved him and he, the boy from Colombo Seven, loved her back. It was the most incredible feeling.