Clarity (Hate to Love You Book 1)

by Anna Albo

  “No, why would he call me?”

  I examined her reaction carefully to see if she gave anything away, but nothing about her demeanor changed. Paranoia again. I’d have to get that looked at. “I don’t get it. How can he not want to find out?”

  “Maybe he asked your boss.”

  “Maybe, but Cathy would tell me.”

  Something wasn’t adding up, and I was going to make sure I found out what happened.

  CHAPTER 24

  I went back to work on Monday to the fanfare of all my coworkers. They’d banded together to get me a card, which was a feat in and of itself, and Cathy had made me a welcome back cake in the shape of an airplane. I thanked them all and settled back into my job. While my mobility was hampered, I was still able to make drinks and serve coffee. The occasional jarring of the coffee grinder and espresso machine irritated my wrist, but everything else went smoothly. Even my doctor was impressed with my recovery.

  “Everyone’s been asking about you,” Jessica said between customers. “A few even dropped off get-well cards. They are in the stockroom in the top drawer.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “You and Jason break up?”

  At first I didn’t know how to answer the question. I wasn’t about to get into all the sordid details with my coworker. “Yes, a few weeks before the accident.”

  “Sorry to hear that. I thought you guys were great together.”

  “So did I. Can I ask you something? Has he been around?”

  “Well, that’s the thing. He asked me how you were doing, which I thought was kind of weird. He never talks to me, so I figured something was up.”

  At least he’d asked someone. “Does he still come around?”

  “Yeah, about the same.”

  I hoped he’d come by and he didn’t disappoint. I’m guessing he didn’t expect to see me, and by the time he did it was too late to turn around without making it completely obvious. I fully expected him to go to Jessica’s line, but he went into mine. When it was his turn he gave a small smile.

  “I see you’re back at work.”

  “I am,” I said. My voice held no friendliness. I was mad at him for not even picking up the phone. He’d resorted to Jessica to gain information. Pathetic.

  “Does it hurt?” he asked, pointing to my wrist.

  “Not really. What would you like to drink?”

  My question took him aback. Emotionless, my demeanor caught him off guard. “Uh, the usual,” he said.

  I poured his coffee, he gave me his money, and before he could say another word I asked who was next. My own reaction to him surprised me. I assumed that when I did see him again my heart would ache, but instead it was so full of anger.

  Jason didn’t take a seat to enjoy his coffee; instead, he went back to work and so did I.

  LIKE EVERYONE ELSE in my life, I knew Ellen sided with Camp Cornell. We were taking a fifteen-minute coffee break to catch up on the past few weeks. She’d come to visit me my first day at home, and then a week later to bring the chocolate cake Anita and I shared.

  “I feel like I’m being ganged up on. It’s not fair that they don’t respect my decision.”

  “I agree with you one hundred percent.”

  “What? Do you really believe that or is it more of your double-talk?”

  “I thought a lot about it since the last time we talked. You should do what you want to do. I think it was terrible of Jason to break up with you over this, and your mom making you feel guilty for not going isn’t right either. I don’t want to compare your situation to what goes on here, but I’m going to use some parallels. They want you to do something you don’t want to do. How many women come through these doors having done things they didn’t want to do?”

  “Exactly.”

  “All the women here were forced to leave their homes, their livelihoods behind, and in some cases, leaving their own children just to get away.”

  This conversation suddenly took a turn, or at least I thought it was. “You are double-talking me.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. You are far too smart for that. I’m simply pointing out that some people are forced into action. Maybe that’s what your mom and Jason are trying to do. They see an opportunity where you don’t.”

  I paused to formulate a thought. I was certain Ellen was playing mind games with me. “It’s not that I don’t see it as an opportunity. It’s just that I don’t think the payoff matches the reward.”

  A thoughtful expression crossed Ellen’s face. “Grace, for a long time I didn’t want to leave my husband. I thought things would get better because he was so good at apologizing. He’d come home with flowers or take me out to dinner after he’d beaten the crap out of me. I’d blame myself, our financial situation, anything I could, to convince myself he wasn’t a monster.

  “My mother knew what was going on. She saw the bruises and the fear in my eyes and the fear in my boys’ eyes. She begged me to leave. She had it all planned out that we’d come live with her, and a few times I left, but I always went back because Freddie was charming when he had to be. The last time I went back to him my mother told me if I went back, she’d never speak to me again. I thought her words were empty, so I didn’t care. She was my mother. So when Freddie beat me up within a week, I went to my mother and she turned me away. You can’t begin to imagine how devastated I was. I thought she’d come around, accept it, but she didn’t. Eventually we connected again, but it was almost a year. So when I tell you that I don’t respect what Jason has done, I am sincere. However, I don’t think your mother is trying to force you into anything. She wants what’s best for you. And truth be told, I think Jason’s bluffing and feels bad that your mother thinks he’s the reason you won’t go.

  “But Grace, at the end of the day, make the decision based on your future and not what the people around you want you to do. And that there are consequences and you’ll have to accept them.”

  “You should be a politician. You didn’t take either side, but you had me engaged.”

  “I think I’d make a good congresswoman. I should run for office,” she said with a smile.

  “Thank you for the talk.”

  Ellen reached out for my good hand. “If you take nothing else away from this conversation, remember that you are in control of your own destiny.”

  She had no idea how huge that prospect was.

  I TOOK ANY HOURS CATHY offered me. I had a lot of money to make up so I took a shift for every day that week but Thursday. I decided to set that day aside because I knew Mom would launch her last-ditch effort to sway me, and the least I could do was be home for the assault. So Tuesday I was back at work and once again Jason came by, except this time he went to Lily’s line. He took a seat and about five minutes later a colleague sat with him, a woman I’d never seen before. She was cute and I was immediately jealous. I casually went over to Cathy who was making up an order.

  “Who’s the new one at Customs?”

  Cathy looked up and around. She caught sight of Jason and the new one and nodded. “Julie, I think. She started while you were off. I think Jason’s showing her the ropes. They’ve had coffee a few times. Why don’t you ask Jason—oh, never mind.”

  Julie got up from the table and came to order coffee. She picked my line and I could feel Jason’s eyes on me, but I refused to look back. Was he up to something? Trying to make me jealous? And in the past he’d accused me of being immature?

  “Large decaf, please,” Julie said.

  She was taller than me, but stockier, like she worked out a lot. Despite her gruffness, she had a soft, pretty face and I hated her for it. Her big brown eyes were staring at me, waiting for me to move. I made up her coffee and she fished out a couple of dollars.

  “What happened to your wrist?” she asked pleasantly.

  “I was hit by a cab.”

  “Seriously? Oh, wait, are you the one? I heard about that. Glad
you’re okay.”

  She knew I was the one hit by a car, but not that I was Jason’s girlfriend . . . well, ex-girlfriend? I handed back her change and she set back off to her table with Jason. I refused to give him the satisfaction of any of my attention. He and Julie could live happily ever after, I didn’t care. I didn’t care if they got married and had a hundred children. Nope. I did not care.

  I. Did. Not. Care.

  “Jessica told me about you and Jason,” Lily said during a lull. Jason and Julie were still having coffee. Even their names were cute together. “Sorry to hear that. And don’t worry, you are so much cuter than that girl.”

  “Well, I don’t care,” I snapped. “He can date every girl in this airport if he wants.”

  “It’s good you feel that way. I’d be so pissed if I were you. I mean, they went home together the other day.”

  I whirled around to face her. “What?!”

  Lily’s eyes darted back and forth. “Oh, uh, maybe he was just giving her a ride or something?”

  “Are you asking me a question now? Because you were the one who said it, not me. I didn’t see it, you did,” I snapped.

  “Sorry, Grace. I shouldn’t have said it. I thought you were okay with it.”

  “What time was this?”

  “I-I don’t really remember. After their shifts. It was probably around ten, maybe a little later.”

  My mind raced. After ten on a weekend? Where could they possibly be going? It made sense now, why he didn’t call. Julie came into the picture just as I was exiting it. Out of sight, convalescing at home while he was charming and wooing the new girl. I wanted to be sick, and after that I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I’d already been replaced.

  “Whatever, I don’t care,” I said, putting on a brave face.

  “I don’t blame you for being mad. When my ex broke up with me last summer, he was dating a new chick in less than a month. Guys can be real losers sometimes.”

  “They sure can be. Like I said, I don’t care.”

  But I did care, I cared so much it was eating me alive.

  I STEWED. I STEWED for hours. It was after two in the morning and my head and wrist hurt. And I was so mad. I knew in times like this I often did things I would later regret and this was no exception. I grabbed my phone and texted Jason.

  Me: I hear you are dating your coworker. I hope the two of you have a happy life together.

  I didn’t expect a response. He was likely sleeping, either alone or with his new girlfriend, while his ex-girlfriend, sleep-deprived and in pain, felt a need to lash out. Or they were reading it together and having a good laugh before another sex romp.

  And as if my first text wasn’t sufficient, I felt a need to send another.

  Me: And just so you know, I’m declining Cornell’s offer on Friday. Not that you care because you’ve obviously replaced me, but I thought YOU should know.

  Yup, I was telling him. I wanted him to know that he and I were over. I was going to do what I wanted with my life and he couldn’t blackmail me to do otherwise. Besides, he’d already moved on with Julie, buff and beautiful Julie.

  I went downstairs, poured myself some water, and took an extra strength Advil. If I’d had any painkillers left, I would have taken that. I went back upstairs and checked my phone for a response. There wasn’t one. I got back into bed and stared up at the ceiling. To think that I actually considered changing my mind and going to Cornell. Sure, I hadn’t told anyone, I hadn’t even really told myself, but I was thinking about it. Cornell. Ivy League. The most amazing opportunity . . . but now my decision was final. No turning back.

  Me: And really you couldn’t wait a little longer to start dating? And then to flaunt her in front of me? You are such a jerk!!!

  Should I have put my phone away at this point? Probably. I shouldn’t have pulled it out in the first place. But I couldn’t stop. I texted him four more times, and when I finally fell asleep and awoke the next morning, I regretted every last one of them. I buried my face in my pillow and wanted to smother myself. If only I could retrieve every one of them! I was scared to check my phone fearing that he had replied, but when I finally got up the courage I was relieved to see nothing.

  “You did what?” Anita asked between classes.

  I hid my face in my hands, even a cast couldn’t prevent me from hiding my shame. “I know, I’m the crazy stalker ex-girlfriend!”

  “Send an apology text.”

  “I don’t want to send any text. I want to throw my phone into the Mississippi and forget all about this. I’m an idiot.”

  “I hate to say this, but I agree. You are an idiot.”

  “He hasn’t replied yet, so maybe he won’t.”

  “I’m sure he’ll just ignore them.”

  That was my hope. I went to work and prayed he wouldn’t come by. I kept my eyes peeled for him, but there was no sign. I grabbed a coffee and took my dinner break. I pulled out my phone and cringed when I fired it up. I let out a deep sigh of relief when I saw no texts. A few more hours and I’d be home free, at least for tonight.

  “Were you drunk last night?”

  I jumped at hearing Jason’s voice and slammed my casted wrist against the table. Pain shot through my arm and down my left side. I grimaced in pain.

  “Honestly, what was with all that shit last night?”

  His scolding made me feel small and stupid. It didn’t help that he was looming over me. I stared up at him wishing I could disappear.

  “I was upset and annoyed. If it helps, I regret sending them. I’m sorry.”

  “And just so you know, Julie and I work together, nothing more. So grow up!”

  He turned and left. I leapt out of my seat and followed after him, almost jogging to keep up with his long strides. Did I care that people were watching me chase a Customs agent? I ran around in front of him to make him stop. He was glaring down at me and I knew I had only a few seconds before he bolted.

  “You have no right talking to me like that.”

  He pressed his lips together, holding in his anger. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m a little ticked off. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with a twelve-year-old.”

  “I’m upset! Can’t I be? You dump me because I won’t go to Cornell and then flaunt a girl around. Is that mature?”

  His face settled a little. “I wasn’t flaunting her. She’s my coworker.”

  “Why can’t you accept that I’m scared? That’s why I don’t want to go. It’s not about you and it’s not about money. It would be the first time I’d be on my own with no family and no friends. I’m not that brave. I’m not the kind of person who can pick up and start somewhere new. It’s just not in me. I’m the cowardly lion. I don’t have your courage.”

  He stared at me for a moment, then moved around me and started back to the Customs area. “I’ve got to get back to work.”

  “Just wait,” I said, running in front of him again, holding my arms out. “I’m just asking you to see it from my perspective.”

  His eyes deadened. “I have to get back to work.”

  I didn’t stop him this time and let him go.

  CHAPTER 25

  The day had come to make my final decision, and it was also Mom’s last shot to change my mind. I didn’t look forward to my showdown with her, and if I could have avoided it, I surely would have. I stayed later at school and loitered around the library. I did some last-minute studying for my finals but I knew I had to face her. I’d stand my ground and she’d have to accept it. My fear was that she’d throw me out of the house, but I knew Dad wouldn’t let that happen.

  I got on the bus for the ride home. I formulated my defense in my head and I’d even prepared a written copy for her. I had stated all the reasons why staying in Minneapolis was the right decision, even if it cost me the man I loved. I could only hope that one day he would see how unreasonable he’d been and we’d get back together. A girl could dream, couldn’t she?

  “What happened to your arm?�
� a little old man asked. He was small, hunched over and shrunken by age, but had the kindest face. I couldn’t resist but start up a conversation with him.

  “I was hit by a cab.”

  “You were?”

  “Yes, and I had a concussion too. I still get the headaches.”

  “That’s terrible. You’re okay now?”

  “Yes, I survived.”

  “When I was young I played football. Probably had a few concussions myself, but back then nobody knew what they were and they didn’t care. You got your bell rung and you played the next game. If you didn’t, someone else took your place. Times sure have changed.”

  “What position did you play?”

  “A defensive back. I was pretty good too, but I was too small to play college ball. You go to school?”

  “I’m a student at U of M. I’m going to law school in the fall.”

  “Oh, you’re a smart one. Well, good luck to you, dear. Do you mind pulling the cord? This is my stop.”

  I watched him shuffle off and I waved goodbye. I got off a few stops later and took my time walking the two blocks. I kicked at rocks on the sidewalk and prepared my argument. I’d even prepared graphs and a chart for Mom, to show her why this wasn’t viable. And if all failed, I’d pull out the scared card. Surely that would work.

  When I came within sight of our house I stopped. Parked on the street was a navy SUV. I picked up the pace and as I got closer my heart started to pound so hard, I could barely breathe—and when the license plate came into focus I jogged, then ran, to the house. I threw open the front door, dropped my backpack, and found Jason and Mom in the kitchen poring over papers at the kitchen table. The most unlikely duo were conspiring.

  They both looked up at me from their papers. Mom came over, took me by the arm, and motioned for me to sit down.

  “John, she’s home,” Mom called.

  Dad wandered into the kitchen and took the last empty seat.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, my eyes trained on Jason only.