Clarity (Hate to Love You Book 1)

by Anna Albo

  “The four of us are going to have a civil conversation about your future,” Mom said. “Before you get upset, we don’t want you to think we are ganging up on you. That’s not our intention, honey. We just want to talk, and when we are done, we are going to respect whatever decision you make.”

  “Why do I have a hard time believing that?” I asked bitterly. My eyes did not leave Jason’s face and as usual he gave nothing away.

  “We don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. There will be no strings attached. We just want you to make this decision after we all have our say. Now, I’m sure you’ve prepared something for us, so we’ve prepared something for you,” Mom said, handing me a bundle of papers. Not to be outdone, I went to get my evidence.

  “I didn’t realize this would be a committee decision, so I only have two copies. You can all share.”

  For a few minutes we pretended to look over each other’s notes. My attention was on Jason and why he was here. How long had they been planning this? Did he just show up today because I’d told him about it? And what was all this “no strings attached” crap? If they thought that for a second, they were crazy.

  “So,” Mom said, “where should we begin?”

  “I’ll start. I don’t think it’s fair that it’s three against one.”

  “Honey, this isn’t about being against you. We just want to make sure that whatever decision you make is made fairly.”

  Jason cleared his throat and we all turned to him. “Grace, I took a really hard-line position and I shouldn’t have. It was wrong of me to do that.”

  “What does that mean? I don’t know what that means. You’re saying a bunch of words.” I was borderline hysterical and furious.

  “It means that I screwed up.”

  “Still words. Does that mean you aren’t breaking up with me? You’re going to have to clarify and be a little more specific. Screwing up can be defined in so many different ways.”

  “He broke up with her?” Dad whispered to Mom. She shushed him.

  “I was an ass, but if you want to take me back after all I’ve done, I’d be the happiest man,” he said.

  In an instant I calmed down. The crazy demons that had taken over me floated away. “Wait,” I said, throwing my arms up in the air. “I need a minute alone with Jason.”

  Mom and Dad looked at each other before slowly rising from the table and slinking off to the living room. We waited until they were gone. I looked at Jason and took a deep breath.

  “I’m so mad at you,” I said, my hands shaking as I spoke.

  “I know.”

  “What you did was awful and unfair.”

  “I know that too.”

  “Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me? I thought I met this awesome guy and then you emotionally blackmailed me.”

  He dropped his gaze and wrung his hands together. “I’m sorry, Gracie, but the last thing I wanted you to do was throw away your life for me. I love you too much for that! I know it doesn’t help, but I missed you every second of the day. I missed your smile, the way you made me laugh and the way you felt in my arms. And every time you went crazy on me it killed me inside because I knew I was hurting you. And when you got into the accident, a part of me felt responsible. Like I’d left you alone. If I could, I would have done it all differently. I messed up. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you.”

  His eyes found mine again and I bit on my lip to prevent myself from crying. “So if I go to U of M you will be okay with that?”

  “Yes, but you’ve got to listen to what we have to say first.”

  “Fine, but you may not be happy with the outcome.”

  He smiled. “I’ll take my chances.”

  Mom and Dad returned, resuming their positions. I turned to Mom and waited for this to begin. I would listen to their argument, pretend to understand what they were saying, then tell them I was going to U of M. All very simple.

  “I see you’ve listed the reasons why you can’t attend Cornell,” Mom said. Maybe she had read my defense. “If it’s okay with you, I think we should go through each point.” I nodded and she continued. “I’m going to address your first point last, the one about finances. Let’s start with distance. Why is distance a problem?”

  “As I stated, it’s far, and I don’t want to be that far away when I can go to a university that’s nearly as good and just minutes away.”

  “Airplanes do fly back and forth,” Mom said.

  “And with FaceTime and Skype, you’re never too far away,” Jason added. “We can talk all the time.”

  “I’ll be gone nearly eight months of the year. I won’t have any friends or family there.”

  “Gracie, I know you’re scared. When I left home for basic training, I was scared stiff. I was eighteen and all alone. You adapt pretty quickly. You can’t live your life sheltered and scared of the world that’s out there. This is an amazing opportunity. You’ll meet tons of friends on campus, and before you know it, you won’t even miss us anymore.”

  “And even if you stayed here, you’d be studying all the time,” Mom said. “I know you, Grace. Your nose will be in the books, not going out, and not spending time with your friends and family.”

  “Next point,” I said.

  “All right. You believe the two universities are virtually equivalent. Being your mother, I knew what points you might make before they even entered your head, so I’ve taken the liberty of scouring the internet for some resources and rankings of universities. The highest ranking I could find for the University of Minnesota was twenty-first in the country. Yes, very impressive. The highest ranking I found for Cornell is tenth. Top ten in the country, also an Ivy League university. This is what I’m going to ask you. If you were an employer and two candidates came to you and one was from the University of Minnesota and one was from Cornell University, which would you pick?”

  “Mom, you are really simplifying it. There are so many factors involved.”

  “Let’s just say everything was identical except the university. Who would you pick?”

  “It’s not a valid representation.”

  “Okay, let me put it to you this way. You find yourself in Los Angeles because you like the weather there. You apply to several law firms. What do you think they are going to find more impressive?”

  “Next point.” I had to concede that.

  “Let me add something,” Jason said. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do need to be honest. At any time I could be transferred anywhere in this country or to either border. I won’t be in Minnesota forever, at least I don’t think so. I’m trying not to use this information to sway you, but let’s say I do get transferred to Texas or Washington State, think about that. If we do get married one day and we make a move somewhere for either of our careers, will Cornell look better on paper? I think you know the answer.”

  I heard what both of them were saying and it made sense, but so much more went into this decision. Yet Jason’s words resonated. What if he did get transferred in a year or two? What if he ended up in Florida or Maine? He could end up anywhere. Was I prepared for that? Would I want to quit my job and move? What if I loved it?

  “What if I don’t want to move? That I’m established. Do they let you stay where you are?”

  “Sometimes, I think.”

  “How often do they move Customs agents?” I asked.

  “It depends on a lot of things. Sometimes the agents want to move, other times there are incentives to move. I’ll be honest with you: if I get the chance to go back to Illinois, I’d take it in a heartbeat. Would you be willing to move to Chicago?”

  I leaned back in my chair and slowly rocked back and forth. Other than moving to Cornell, not once had I considered moving anywhere else. “I guess so. I didn’t really think about it.”

  Mom cleared her throat, which meant the conversation was moving on. “Let’s get to your last major point, and that’s finances. I see you’ve been so kind as t
o provide us with a detailed spreadsheet of all the expenses associated with Cornell. Based on your numbers, I will accept them as true. So there would be approximately a twenty-thousand-dollar shortfall each year, is that correct?”

  Boy, Mom was being so formal with this. “At least twenty thousand. And don’t tell me that you are going to take equity out of the house. I can’t have you take out twenty thousand a year. I won’t let you do that.”

  Jason spoke this time. “I’m prepared to loan it to you interest free for the next three years.”

  “No way! I don’t want to be in debt to you. It’s a lot of money.”

  “I have money saved up. I won’t even miss it. I’ll consider it an investment in our future.”

  “No, no, no, no, and no!”

  “We thought you might react this way, so we have another idea. Your dad and I are going to loan you half and Jason will loan you the other half.”

  “Mom, I just finished saying that I don’t want you taking equity out of the house.”

  “We won’t have to do that. Your dad just got a job as the banquet manager at the church. It’s only part time right now, but if your dad can get things rolling there and increase the bookings, you never know. And I have been offered a full-time position starting this September.”

  “When did all this happen?”

  “Just this week. We wanted to wait until today to tell you.”

  Dad was beaming and I fought back tears. He had found a purpose again, and at the same time he was doing this for me too.

  “We know it’s a lot to think about and you don’t have much time to make a decision,” Jason said. “It’s natural to be scared, but we aren’t going anywhere.”

  “But what if this doesn’t work?”

  “What if it does? Don’t you think I’ve thought of that too? But we can’t predict the future or what’s going to happen. The only thing that’s in your control right now is where you go to school this fall. Think about that.”

  “So honey, what’s it going to be?”

  EPILOGUE

  In every good negotiation, both sides have to make concessions. I thought long and hard about my future, a war between my heart and head. Of course my head, complete with hamsters, wheels and all, won out. After one hectic, stressful, and lonely semester at Cornell, I was officially an Ivy League law school student on her way home for the winter break.

  I accepted help from my parents and Jason, but with Jason, there was one all-important condition: if he wanted me to take his money, he’d also have to take me and all my belongings. I officially moved in after my final exams, and although I’d only be there a few months out of the year, it was my home too.

  I spruced it up a bit, giving it a woman’s touch. I put up pictures of us to remind him of me while I was gone. We bought some furniture and some kitchen appliances so that I could cook a little more. I’d even gone on a cooking spree a few weeks before I left, and we filled the little freezer with meals for Jason to eat. I bought towels to match the blue bathroom décor and a few plants to give the place some life. He promised to water them once a week.

  And while at my first semester at Cornell, we spoke every day. I missed him, I missed everyone, but it wasn’t so bad. It took me a few weeks to meet people. My roommate, Daphne, was from Portland so we were in the same out-of-state boat together. While she was no Anita, we spent a lot of time together and became quick friends. My classmates, wide-eyed just like me, were also eager to make friends. A lot of us were from out of state because, well, this was Cornell! Who didn’t want to go to Cornell?

  So while every day got better and better, I longed for my family—but most of all, I missed Jason. I couldn’t wait for the plane to land. I hadn’t seen him in three months since he’d come to Ithaca to help me with the move. Sure, we saw each other on FaceTime, but it wasn’t the same as holding his hand, kissing him, or cuddling with him before bed. But at the end, the payoff was worth it.

  The pilot announced the final descent. Just a few more minutes. I fidgeted, unable to keep still. The elderly lady next to me took notice.

  “Dear, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, I’m just excited to go home. It’s been three months.”

  “Where have you been?”

  “Law school at Cornell. I’m home for winter break.”

  “Good for you, enjoy your trip home.”

  Why was this plane taking so long to land? I wanted to see my family! I hoped Anita would be there too. Jason was working, I knew that, so I didn’t think he’d be there to greet me, but I’d see him in a few short hours. I couldn’t wait to spend a month with the man I loved most in the world.

  The final descent. We touched down and taxied to the gate. A few more minutes, that was it. I’d get all the details about Dad’s new job. He’d already increased bookings at the church by twenty percent. Mom loved her new job teaching geography and Anita was going to show me her new engagement ring.

  I wanted to push everyone out of the way and be the first one off the flight. Instead I waited impatiently until I made my way down the airplane aisle and out down the gate. I didn’t see anyone at first. Had they forgotten about me? But then I saw Jason, dressed in his Customs uniform, looking as handsome as the first day I met him. I couldn’t push my way through just yet, so I waited. It was kind of strange; no one was standing around him. Were they afraid he was going to apprehend some crazed murderer from our flight? Nah, just his crazed girlfriend with the spontaneous tantrums.

  The moment I was clear, I bolted for him in an all-out run. He had a wide smile on his face and when I reached him I jumped into his outstretched arms, just like the movies.

  Yes, this was clarity.

  TEASER

  BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

  CHAPTER 1

  “I need a job.”

  “It’s hard finding a job when you’re only in town less than four months.”

  “I know.”

  Anita and I were waiting in line at our favorite Starbucks. A few people were ahead of us, and I couldn’t wait to sit down with my tall chai latte and commiserate. I’d been home less than a week and my life had already gone down the crapper. With no job, it would be a very long summer.

  “I’m sure Cathy would take you back at Anthony’s. You could work there all summer.”

  “Ugh. I want something new and fresh. And I hate going back to Cathy all the time and then leaving her mid-August. Besides, I’ve done my time working at an airport and being a punching bag for people who have cancelled flights, if you know what I mean.”

  Anita shrugged. “I’m all out of ideas.”

  It was finally my turn to order. Before I could get my wallet out, Anita was handing the barista cash and telling me it was her turn to buy. It wasn’t. Anita was feeling sorry for me and that’s why I loved her so much. And like usual, money was tight for me. Every dime I had was allocated, so there wasn’t much left for entertainment. Or tall chai lattes.

  “Thanks.”

  “You get it next time.”

  We waited for our drinks and then took a seat in a quiet corner. The last year had been a whirlwind of classes, more classes, and studying. While I was busting my butt at Cornell, Anita was here, killing it in all her classes at the University of Minnesota. There were times I regretted not staying in Minnesota, wondering if things would have been different. Nah, probably not. Whether I was at Cornell or not, the last six months wouldn’t have been any different.

  And I didn’t regret going to Cornell. I loved it there and had made so many new friends, many like me who were also from out of state. We were our own little clique whether we were from California, Arizona, Alabama, Minnesota, or Oregon. And when we all went our separate ways, we still kept in contact through whatever app we liked the most.

  “I’m thinking of making business law my specialty. How about you?”

  Anita’s question brought me back from my daydreaming. “Public law or family law. I haven’t decided. I probably need to figur
e that out soon.”

  “I assumed you’d pick family law. I think that would be a nice mix once we start up our own firm, you know, in a million years.”

  “I’m guessing that’s our ten-year plan?”

  “Most definitely.”

  “Are you doing an externship?” I asked, blowing on my too-hot latte.

  “I don’t know yet. Maybe? There are a few firms I’d like to work at. Or I could take more classes. How about you?”

  “I haven’t decided either. I’m thinking of finishing out my electives and looking for something out here. Who knows.”

  “Look at us! All undecided.”

  I laughed at that. “We better be more decided lawyers.”

  “You seem preoccupied,” Anita said, picking away at the banana nut muffin she’d also ordered.

  “I’m still thinking about my lack of a job. I should have been applying weeks ago. I was so engrossed in finals and projects, it slipped my mind.”

  Anita’s face lit up. “Have you thought about tutoring?”

  “Tutoring? Like, high school students? Summer school?”

  “No, university students. A ton of them take summer courses to catch up and a lot of them need to pass those classes to stay in school. I know people who did it last year and made a shit-ton of money. You can find ads looking for tutors all over the place.”

  “That does seem promising.” And something I wouldn’t mind doing.

  Anita did some scrolling on her phone, then handed it to me. “See,” she said. “All kinds of people. Just put up an ad that you’re willing to tutor. A Cornell law student will get a million hits.”

  “You think?”

  “I know. Besides, it will keep you busy. And you can probably charge a lot. Some of these kids are filthy rich. They need to make it through school.”

  “I’m going to check this out. Thanks for that.” I handed back her phone and decided to tackle the elephant in the room. “You doing okay?”

  Anita had been putting a good show since my return home, but I could see small cracks in her foundation. Sure, she was keeping a smile on her face and acting upbeat, but it was all bullshit. Underneath that exterior, she was falling apart.