Pause (ROCK HARD Book 2)

by Kat Mizera

  I felt Stu’s hand slide into mine under the table and I smiled at him. We were in a booth, sitting next to each other, and it was nice to be out with another couple. We’d never really dated, simply started sleeping together and then hanging out. We were doing things kind of backward, but it was working for us.

  “I’m sorry, what?” I realized I’d been daydreaming and Stu was talking to me.

  “What do you want to do tomorrow, since it’s our last full day in Scotland?”

  “Spend time with your grandmother. I got to see Nessie, which was the one thing I couldn’t leave Scotland without doing, so I’m good.”

  “You saw Nessie?” Lorraine asked, her eyes widening in faux shock since the Loch Ness monster was mostly a myth, despite the true believers.

  “I did!” I grinned at her and we both laughed.

  “I thought we’d spend the morning with Gran, then say our goodbyes and drive to Edinburgh. We’ll stay at a bed and breakfast there and if we get up early, we can walk around the Royal Mile before we head to the airport, maybe get a picture with Edinburgh Castle in the background. Oh, and please note, Edinburgh Castle is a place where Mary, Queen of Scots, got laid.”

  Stephen and Lorraine looked partly horrified and partly amused, but I burst out laughing. “Good to know. And yes, that sounds like a lovely way to end our trip.”

  “I’m sorry we couldn’t do more sightseeing, but—”

  “We came for your grandmother, not to be tourists. Loch Ness was really the only thing I wanted to squeeze in and we did a lot more, so I’m very grateful.”

  “Next time we’ll plan ahead,” Lorraine said, “and we can schedule some tours and things so you can see more. And Edinburgh is fantastic. You could spend a week there and still not see everything.”

  “Next time we’ll make it a proper holiday,” Stu said, leaning over to kiss me.

  We talked all through dinner and it felt good to see Stu and his brother making up, getting to know each other all over again. I was just about to get up to find a bathroom when a tall, skinny guy who looked about thirty approached the table. I wasn’t sure why, but he looked familiar and I instinctively nudged Stu with my leg. He looked up just as the guy got to our table.

  “Hallo, mate.”

  Stu tensed beside me and it clicked.

  It was Gavin McIntosh.

  The lead singer of Waking Wonder.

  I hadn’t recognized Angus because he was the drummer and not really front and center, but I knew Gavin as soon as he opened his mouth.

  “Gavin.” Stu seemed almost frozen in place as if he didn’t know what to do, and Stephen gave Gavin a look.

  “Mate, we’ve had a family member in the hospital and don’t have much time together. This isn’t the time or place for this.”

  Gavin held up a hand in a placating gesture. “I just wanted a few words with Stu. I don’t mean to interrupt anything. I need two minutes of your time, Stu.”

  “Say what you need to say,” Stu said, his fist clenched in his lap.

  “Do you think we could talk alone?” Gavin asked, shifting from one foot to the other, as if nervous.

  “No.” I spoke up even though I probably shouldn’t have. “You can say whatever you need to say in front of all of us.”

  Gavin looked surprised for a moment, indecision flitting across his eyes, and then he nodded. “Right. Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry.” Stu looked so confused, it was hard to keep a straight face.

  “I’m in a twelve-step program. For my drinking. And one of the many things I need to do is make amends. You’re on my list.”

  “I’m on your list.” Stu looked suspicious now and cocked his head, narrowing his eyes a little. “And what do you have to be sorry about?”

  “I should have come to the trial. I should have testified.”

  “That’s water under the bridge,” Stu said grimly. “Done and over.”

  “Maybe, but it wasn’t right, doing what I did.”

  The two men exchanged a long glance and, not for the first time, I felt like I was missing something. There had to be more to the story about the accident, but Stu refused to talk about it and I couldn’t remember details anymore. I’d paid a little attention during the trial since Stu was my crush and him going to prison had been devastating, but obviously he wasn’t real back then. We’d never met, Lexi hadn’t even met him yet, so he was nothing but a fantasy. Now that he was not just real, but my boyfriend, I felt like these missing pieces were important.

  “I don’t know what you want from me,” Stu said after an awkward silence. “I’m glad you’re getting clean, getting your life together. It hasn’t been easy for any of us.”

  “I heard Angus ambushed you at a club. I’m sorry he did that.”

  “You don’t have to apologize for what he did.”

  Gavin nodded. “I know. I guess I’m just sorry for everything, including my part in what happened to you.”

  “Nothing to be done about it now except for moving on.”

  “Right. Well, I hear good things about Nobody’s Fool. Heard a few songs on the radio and it’s good stuff. I’m glad you’ve found a new band, got a new thing going.”

  “I heard you had a group in London.”

  “I do, but I had to get clean. The drinking started affecting my voice and, well, it was time. I lost too much to the alcohol and it’s time to take back control. I’ll be going back to London in a few weeks, ready to record the first album.”

  “Good luck to you.”

  “Thanks.” He seemed restless, as if he wanted to leave but still had something to say.

  “What is it?” Stu asked at last, his face a mask of nothingness. “Just spit it out.”

  “That money you gave Freddie’s family—it wasn’t right. They didn’t deserve it.”

  “Look, it’s done. I’ll never see that money again. Right or wrong, the court ruled in their favor.”

  “But you didn’t—”

  “Gavin, let it go, mate.” Stu held up his hands, palms out. “Just let it go.”

  “Seriously, I’ve done well with my money, investing it and such. If you need anything—”

  “I don’t need anything. Not from you. Not from Angus. I’m good. I wish you well, but your two minutes are up.”

  “Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you. I just thought—”

  “You thought you could buy my forgiveness? Not happening. So go on home and leave it alone.”

  The two men exchanged a long, almost heated glare, and then Gavin nodded.

  “Right. Well, good night. Safe travels to the U.S.” And then he was gone.

  “I need some air,” Stu said quietly, nudging me. “Can you let me out, lass?”

  “Sure.” I got up and watched as he stalked across the restaurant and out the front doors. “I should go after him,” I murmured.

  “Maybe give him a minute,” Stephen said. “He always needs a few to cool down.”

  “That’s just enough time for Gavin to ambush him and I’m not sure I believe that twelve-step program bullshit,” I said, sliding out of the booth. “He’s come too far to go back to prison now, and I’m not willing to risk it.” I hurried in the direction Stu had gone.

  “You okay?” I asked when I found him outside, taking a drag from a cigarette.

  “I’m a’right, lass.” He took another drag, exhaled, and then put it out against the side of the building. “Sorry, old habit.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. You’re a grown man and can smoke if you want to, though I wish you wouldn’t because it’s bad for you.”

  He smiled, snaking out an arm to pull me against him. “I quit a long time ago. Just felt like a few drags tonight to settle my nerves.”

  “It’s okay.” I nestled against his chest. “I didn’t want you to be alone out here. In case he came back.”

  “There she is, my overprotective lass.” It didn’t sound like it upset him, so I just stood there
, offering my support in the only way I could.

  “Go on back inside,” he said after a few minutes. “Let’s enjoy our last night with Stephen and Lorraine. I’m going to find the loo and then I’ll join you.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay? I feel like you got blindsided again.”

  “I’m okay. It makes sense that he’d look for me tonight if he’d heard I was in town.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Today is the anniversary of the accident.”

  24

  Stu

  Secrets were never a good thing, I thought warily as I washed my hands in the restroom. Being here in Dingwall brought back memories I’d been trying to forget. It felt like a lifetime ago but also just yesterday, all at once. Freddie and me deciding we wanted to start a band. Gavin announcing he could sing. The four of us walking into a pub and begging the owner to let us play a gig, for free, just to gauge reactions.

  So many fucking memories.

  And tonight was the five-year anniversary of the accident. A night I would have done almost anything to relive. To do things differently. To tell Freddie to sit the fuck down and have another beer instead of going on that alcohol run. He’d been so fucking stubborn. And I’d been so fucking drunk and stupid.

  Lindsay had looked like she had a million questions when I’d mentioned that tonight was the anniversary of the accident, her mouth opening slightly and her eyes instantly meeting mine. Then she’d merely smiled and turned to go back to our table while I went to the loo. She was always worrying about me. I knew that was why she asked so many questions, and it usually filled me with a happy warmth, despite the dark turn my thoughts had taken. Much as I tried to be the tough, loner rocker, Lindsay brought light and happiness to my life, and it was nice to have someone in my corner, always. Especially on a day like today.

  At the time, I hadn’t mentioned that it was the anniversary to Lindsay, but I’d seen a few tributes to Freddie online this morning and quickly logged out of social media for the day. It didn’t seem as though she’d been aware of it until now and I hoped she didn’t mention it to Stephen and Lorraine. Being back in Dingwall hadn’t been easy for me and I wanted to get out of Scotland as unscathed as possible. Frankly, as good as it had been to see Gran and spend time with my brother, I was itching to get back to the band, the music, and the road.

  Musicians like me lived to play live, and though a bit of time off between legs of a tour was ideal, we didn’t always get it, and a week in Scotland was more than enough time off.

  I walked back to the table and saw Lindsay, Stephen and Lorraine looking at something on their phones and then looking up at me almost guiltily. Christ. I knew what that meant.

  “I’d forgotten it was today,” Stephen said quietly as I slid into the booth beside Lindsay.

  “And I didn’t mention it on purpose,” I said.

  “Waking Wonder is trending on social media,” Lindsay said.

  “Great.” I downed the rest of my beer. “Probably time to get going since chances are someone will recognize me before long.”

  “You can’t run away from the past,” Stephen said quietly.

  “Oh, not you too,” I grumbled, getting a little irritated. “Why can’t anyone understand that the only way for me to move past the past is by living in the present? I can’t keep talking about what happened, about the trial, about prison—I just want to get to a point in my life where no one asks anymore! Is that too much to ask?”

  “Life doesn’t work that way,” Stephen said after a moment. “You can’t control the press or social media or—”

  “No, I can’t, but I can control the people I surround myself with. The band knows I am never, ever going to talk about what happened, in interviews. Period. End of story. And you know what? They never bring it up. If my family could get on board, that would be fucking brilliant.”

  Stephen lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.”

  “Right, well, it’s getting late and I really do want to get out of here before anyone recognizes me.” I said the words but it was too late because I recognized a couple of mates from high school and they were heading right for us.

  “Go on,” Stephen said under his breath. “I’ll head them off.”

  “Right.” I left some money on the table, took Lindsay’s hand and we headed straight for the front door. Someone called my name but I heard Stephen’s voice talking to them and we got to the car without incident.

  Lindsay hadn’t said a word in what seemed like a long time and I glanced at her as I pulled onto the street.

  “You all right?”

  She nodded. “I’m just a little bummed that our trip is over and we’re leaving Scotland.”

  “Not excited about your job and all that? Did you email Madeline to tell her you’re accepting the position?”

  “I did. She’s excited but knows I won’t be starting until you leave on tour because I want to be with you a while longer.”

  “I’m glad. I’d hate being in Vegas knowing you’re in L.A. while we’re rehearsing and such.”

  “I’m going to use the time during rehearsals to catch up on notes for the California bar exam.”

  “Good idea.”

  We chatted about random topics the rest of the way back to the hotel and I was glad she hadn’t pressed me for any more information. Hopefully, no one would look twice at me in Edinburgh and then we’d be on a flight back to the U.S.

  We flew back to Vegas and got home late two days later. Leaving Gran had been harder than I’d thought it would be, but I had every intention of flying her to the U.S. to see us play when she was up to it. She was going home tomorrow, and Stephen and Lorraine would be checking in on her daily, along with my parents and one of my uncles who lived local, and the home care staff who’d be in and out a few times a day.

  It was good to sleep for twelve straight hours in a king-size bed. We’d been so tired when we got to Tyler’s house, we hadn’t even had sex, which was rare for us, but the trip had us knackered. Today we had a band meeting but no rehearsal or anything since I needed a day to adjust my internal clock.

  “What are you up to today?” I asked Lindsay as we had coffee in Tyler’s kitchen. Living here with him and Ariel had been a bit odd when it was just me, but now that Lindsay was with me, it felt more normal, like we were roommates instead of me being an awkward third wheel.

  Since Ford and I had cash flow problems, Tyler and Bash had offered to let us live with them while we sorted out the band situation. Initially Ford and I were both going to move in with Bash, since we were all single, but those two were always into something and with me being on parole, I opted to live with the more settled married couple.

  “Welcome home.” Tyler and Ariel came padding into the kitchen as we were making coffee. “How’s your grandmother?”

  We made small talk as I filled them in on her condition.

  “Well, we have big news,” Tyler said, leaning against the counter. “You’re probably not going to like the first part, but the second part should make you happy.”

  “Yeah, what’s going on?”

  “Thanks to the anniversary of the accident and your buddy Angus making a nuisance of himself, not only is ‘Forecast’ getting all kinds of airplay, ‘Bedroom Lies’ is trending all over the place.”

  “Forecast” was Waking Wonder’s biggest hit and if it was getting airplay, I’d see royalties from it since I’d co-wrote it. And anything that would get Nobody’s Fool publicity was good for all of us. It wasn’t the way I wanted to get P.R., but I’d learned to look for silver linings since so much shit always happened to me.

  “Not how I’d like to be getting publicity,” I said after a moment, “but since I can’t control Angus, I guess it’s not all bad.” I paused. “What did he say?”

  “Just made a statement about how much he misses Freddie and how senseless his death was. Crap like that.” Tyler shrugged. “He does it ever
y year so whatever.”

  I drank my coffee, annoyed but resigned, because it just never went away. Other celebrities, especially rock stars, had done far worse, but it seemed like I couldn’t get out from under the dark cloud of the accident and it made me crazy.

  “Any news from Onyx Knight?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Nothing new. We’re all set to meet them when they get back to the States in a few weeks. Casey and Sasha are working on the details, Madeline said they were fine with the changes we made to the contract, and our job now is to create our show.”

  “Band meeting still today?”

  Tyler nodded. “Everyone will be here around four and Betty’s making dinner.” Betty was Tyler’s housekeeper.

  “We’re probably just going to take it easy,” I said. “Do some laundry.”

  “I have calls to make,” Lindsay said.

  We had breakfast and I started the laundry while Lindsay got on the phone with Madeline. I tried not to eavesdrop, but it was hard not to when she sounded so excited. She would be starting with Madeline as soon as we left on tour, so while I hated that we would be apart, I was glad she had something going on that was important to her. We had to talk about how this was going to work, because we hadn’t been together long enough to weather long separations.

  “So what’s happening with the job?” I asked when she was finally off the phone.

  She sat cross-legged on the bed and smiled up at me. “I’m moving to L.A. just before you guys leave on tour, so we’ll be together until then. I’ll use the next couple of weeks to get a head start studying on the California bar, and once I’m in L.A., I’m probably going to be working long days, learning all kinds of new things.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” I said, getting on the bed and stretching out beside her. “We’ve been pretty inseparable this summer, on and off, and we need to talk about how we’re going to handle it.”

  She stretched out beside me, both of us on our sides facing each other, and looked into my eyes. “If you’re asking about whether we’re going to be faithful, that’s up to you. I’ve already told you that I can’t have casual sex because I get attached.”