Imagine Us

by Jaxson Kidman

  I touched her back with my right hand, blinking fast, trying to calm my high.

  Being near Elena made my heart race faster and that only made other things kick up too.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked her as I broke our hug.

  There was a good reason why I had to break the hug. The look of her in that white dress, the top cut kind of low. The smell of her hair and her skin. Me being high and my body unable to control itself. I sort of had a situation going on, so I turned to hide myself a little without being too obvious.

  “Stupid party,” she said.

  “Oh,” I said. “Yeah. I heard about that.”

  “I don’t know why I go,” she said. She fumbled with her little bag and took out a cigarette and quickly lit it.

  I hated smoking.

  I hated the smell. I hated the look of it.

  But when Elena did it… it wasn’t all that bad.

  She was the first person to talk to me when I moved to town a few years ago. After helping me, she caught up with me during recess and sat with me. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to talk to her. How pretty she was. How awkward I felt. The way her green eyes sparkled as though maybe she thought I was cute or some shit.

  That all fell apart when I heard she had a boyfriend.

  “Chad,” she said, blowing smoke into the night’s sky.

  My nose perked up, wanting to smell the smoke. Her smoke.

  “Did he do something to you?” I asked.

  She looked at me and frowned.

  I curled my lip.

  “I hate that fucking guy,” I said. “You don’t need that, Elena.”

  “I know.”

  So why do you do it then?

  That was a worthless question.

  “Want to watch the river with me?” I asked. “It’s really flowing tonight.”

  I watched as I made a stupid motion with my hand.

  Elena laughed. “Hanging out with Brad again?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  “You’re high right now?”

  “I’m relaxed. That’s all.”

  She frowned.

  She didn’t like that I did the stuff I did. But she didn’t judge me for it. She didn’t hate me for it. Which is why I didn’t say anything about her smoking. For us, we could be ourselves and bring our flaws to each other and still hang out.

  We were more than friends but definitely not what I secretly wanted.

  She looked so hot as she walked in her white dress, smoking her cigarette. She took my hand as we walked down the rocky slope and took a seat on a giant rock next to the bridge, right against the river.

  “Oh, it smells like ass,” she said.

  “Yeah, it does. It’s so gross.”

  We looked at each other and started to smile.

  There was this sudden spark inside my chest. I leaned toward her, knowing what I was about to do. The thing was… I didn’t give a fuck that Chad was a star baseball player. I could kick his ass. And if he sent the entire team after me, oh fucking well. I’d take the beating of a lifetime to steal a kiss from Elena.

  Fuck, I wanted to steal even more from her.

  “Adam…,” she whispered as I closed in on her. “Have you ever… done it?”

  I inched back. “Done what?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I looked at the water. “Of course I have.”

  “How many girls?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Is that why… I mean… why we…”

  She took another drag off her cigarette and flicked it into the water. “How do you know when to do it? Like, when it’s time?”

  “I’m, uh, probably not the example you want,” I said.

  “Meaning you regret it?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t really think about it. It wasn’t… you know… love or anything like that.”

  Elena nodded.

  Her eyes suddenly glossed over.

  I touched her hand. “What’s wrong?”

  “Chad said tonight was the night,” she whispered. “It was time. He’d waited long enough for me.”

  My heart raced with jealousy.

  My mind flashed with images of Chad touching her dress. Then the dress on the floor. What floor? The bathroom in a basement? Some random bed in a spare bedroom?

  “What did…” I held back.

  “What did I do? What did I say? Did I let him…?”

  A stray tear fell from her eye. She pulled her hand away and hugged herself. I realized then how messy her hair was. What was probably once a nice ponytail looked all twisted and out of place. And the back of her white dress wasn’t completely zipped all the way up.

  That’s when I felt my stomach flip.

  Jealousy and anger.

  “Did you want to?” I asked her.

  She stared forward. She nodded. “Yes. It wasn’t like that, Adam. It’s just… I can’t believe I did that. You know?”

  My hands started to shake.

  I had played that scene in my head so many times. Thinking of the perfect setting and the perfect way to make it happen for her. If it was just me and her. However she wanted it. Wherever she wanted it. I’d bring her flowers. Light candles.

  But instead, she just did it at a party. Some random fucking party.

  She looked at me. “You hate me now.”

  “I could never hate you,” I said. “Ever.”

  “Why do I feel this way?”

  “You’re scared,” I whispered. I slowly put my hand to her back. “You’re unsure of it. You wanted to do that and you did, now you just feel strange about it. Probably guilty for some reason. It’s okay though.”

  “I mean, everyone will know now. They’ll look at me and know.”

  “So what? There’s not many who haven’t,” I said.

  “I don’t know what Chad will say. What if I wasn’t good enough? I wasn’t his first.”

  I clenched my teeth tightly.

  Elena was so pretty and there was no way she could be bad at that, yet she worried so much. About her looks. Her weight. That other stuff.

  “I can’t say anything to that, sugar.” Her nickname was easy to say and easier to speak when it was just us. If we were near anyone else, I couldn’t say it. For her sake, not mine.

  “Can I just sit with you then?”

  “Of course you can.”

  She put her head on my shoulder.

  My mind flashed with images I didn’t want to see.

  She used her middle finger to pick at the nail of my thumb. Each time she did it, a weird tingling feeling went through my entire body. I knew what it meant, but I didn’t talk about it. It was just me being a guy near a really pretty girl. No, screw that. The prettiest girl I had ever seen in my life.

  “Did you like it? When you first did it?”

  “Oh, Elena, I… I already said…”

  “Shut up, Adam. Just tell me.”

  “Yeah. I liked it. I liked it each time I did it.”

  Elena let out a shaky breath. “Am I a slut?”

  “What?” I yelled. “Jesus, sugar, you are not a slut at all. Do you even know what that word means?”

  She laughed. “You’re so cute sometimes, Adam. The way you get mad at me. Like you’re just trying to protect me.”

  “Of course I am,” I said. “I don’t like seeing you like this. It’s stupid.”

  “What if I regret it? What if I grow up and look back and regret what happened tonight?”

  “So what? You’ll probably laugh.”

  “I’m not with him. You know, right now. After. I’m with you.”

  My heart twisted and pulled, like a tooth popping out of an infected socket. It hurt so fucking badly yet I could do nothing about it.

  “Where is… he?”

  “Drinking,” Elena said. “When we were done, he had this look on his face. Like he’d just hit a home run. Ew, why did I say that? I fucking hate that stuff. The baseball references to sex. It’s so
dumb.”

  “You need to take a deep breath, sugar. Want to go see Brad with me?”

  “No. I don’t do that stuff.”

  I laughed. “I was just playing.”

  She lifted her head and looked at me.

  Her eyes were as pretty as the rest of her. I would have done everything so differently for her and to her. I would have never let her go. There wasn’t a thing that would distract me from the time spent with her.

  “You’re so good to me, Adam. You’re the only one who understands who I am.”

  “Nah,” I said. “I just don’t give a shit about anything. This town. Everyone in it.”

  “You don’t give a shit about me?”

  “You’re the exception.”

  Elena laughed.

  I’d do anything to make her laugh. I hated when she cried, and she cried so much. Because of Chad. Because of her mother. Because of her life.

  “Are you going back to the party?” I asked.

  “Eventually, yeah. I have to.”

  “Okay.”

  “Am I holding you up?”

  “Nope,” I said.

  “You’re probably lying to me,” she said.

  “Then don’t ask me those questions.”

  “Can I ask something else?”

  “Anything you want.”

  “Will you protect me?”

  “Protect you?” I asked. “From what?”

  “Everything, Adam.”

  I knew what everything meant. And it pissed me off that she just gave her everything to the thing she wanted me to protect her from.

  But the kicker was this - I loved her. I was in love with Elena. Nobody would ever understand that. Not at my age. Not at her age. Not with our situations and circumstances being so different. But I loved her.

  “Of course I’ll protect you,” I said.

  “Not just tonight, but forever.”

  I nodded. “I promise… I’ll protect you forever.”

  5

  As Long as You Need

  ELENA

  (now)

  I looked out to the lake and took a deep breath.

  There were few places in my life that felt like home. I had never been to this side of the lake, but because it was Adam, it had the feel of home.

  When my mother finally decided to leave her abusive boyfriend, packing me and her up in the middle of the night, she took me to a motel to show me she had secretly bought a house. All the hours she worked had paid off when she was able to buy the small house on a quiet street. I loved that house with all my heart until my mother lost her edge and ruined it.

  That was the last place that felt like home to me.

  Until now.

  Standing on the deck, looking to the lake we used to swim in.

  It was on the opposite shore, the cabins over there looking like little toys from my vantage point. Where we would hide a bright blue cooler full of beer. Where the guys would bring a football and try to show off in front of the girls. And the girls would set up towels on the beach and get a tan. Any girl who dared to untie their bikini to get a tan on their back was at risk of one of the guys grabbing their top and running off.

  It was innocent, fun, but got annoying when the guys got drunk.

  As much as I had wanted to be there to fit in and not feel as poor as I was, I hated it all.

  Because of what was missing.

  “You okay out here?” Adam asked as he stepped outside.

  “I am,” I said. “Just looking at the water.”

  “It’s a great view from here,” he said. “I got lucky when I found this place. It was a dump when I bought it. Kept me busy. But it was worth it.”

  “I can’t believe you stayed this close.”

  “It’s not that close,” he said.

  “I can smell the river still,” I said with a grin.

  Adam laughed. “I think anyone who lived in that town could smell the river no matter where they lived.”

  He put his butt against the railing and stared right at me. Just the way he looked at me… it was… whew.

  Adam had somehow hidden behind baggy clothes, only showing off an amazing body once or twice. The sight had been so unexpected, I ended up gawking like a fool, which only turned into a big argument with Chad. Adam had been tall, cut, lean, and had every inch of muscle so wildly defined. But he forever wore baggy jeans and a black t-shirt that was two sizes too big. That was his look, mixed with messy dark hair that came just past his eyes, and he fit the stoner look that he lived out. He looked that way and acted that way because it was his outlet from being so mad at being forced to move.

  But now?

  His jeans weren’t baggy at all. They hugged his legs and ass in an unfair way. He had been wearing a navy blue t-shirt with the diner’s logo on it, but he had since changed into a white t-shirt that tightened around muscles that were bigger than the last time I saw him.

  My eyes tried to stay steady at his eyes, but every now and again, my eyes moved.

  Muscle. Eyes. More muscle. Eyes.

  “Lots of memories on that lake, huh?” he asked.

  “Oh, plenty,” I said.

  Adam turned and leaned his arms against the railing. “Fuck, time flies by, sugar. How did we end up here?”

  “For me? Being stupid.”

  “Don’t say that. You’re not stupid.”

  “I am.”

  Adam looked at me. “Tell me about your book.”

  “My book?”

  “Yeah. You know, I remember you always writing. You had that notebook under your bed. You’d write poetry and stories.”

  “You were the only one I ever let read it.”

  “Except the night Chad read it out loud for everyone,” Adam said.

  I frowned. “Yeah. He was really high that night.”

  “Everyone was.”

  I had the urge for another cigarette. It wasn’t even because I was stressed out or hurt from what Chad did. It was just being near Adam that made me jumpy.

  “I can’t believe this,” I said. “Am I bothering you, Adam? I’m standing here trying to figure this out. And I came right here. I walked right into your life. I didn’t even call. I didn’t even check on you. This is…”

  “It’s fine,” he said. He inched toward me and touched my arm. “Elena, it’s fine. You’re hurt right now. Do me a favor and just be hurt. Don’t think about anyone else for a second. You always think about everyone else.”

  I laughed. “Yeah. That’s my problem, huh?”

  “Just a little,” Adam said, putting a small space between his thumb and pointer finger.

  “I’m going down to the water,” I said. “Want to come?”

  “You sure you want company?”

  “Definitely,” I said.

  Adam led the way down the side steps and we walked in silence down to the shore. It went from grass, to dirt, to a billion pebbles of stone. The water was calm and gentle, with super tiny ripples pushing at the shore. If you stared out long enough, you’d see bubbles way out in the water. I was never sure if that was a fish, a frog, a snake, or some kind of monster.

  I smiled.

  We used to build a campfire and tell scary stories about the lake, as though we knew anything about the lake. Or each other. Or life.

  “It’s quiet out here now,” Adam said. “But now that it’s nice, the weekends get busy. And the weeks will get busy too. Damn teenagers, you know?”

  I laughed. “They’re the worst, huh?”

  “At least this side is now private,” he said.

  “It is?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “From that red mark over there” - he pointed to a tree with a red line around it - “all the way to that one over there. This is all private property. It still gets loud with echoing yells and laughs and all that.”

  “So it’s like you get to stand here and watch the past play out,” I said.

  Adam looked at me. “Yeah. Watching the past play out.”

  “
I probably should have known better,” I said. “With Chad. All those years. I just… after he got hurt, things sort of changed. You know?”

  “I know,” I said. “Can’t imagine what you went through.”

  “I wrote my first book while he was recovering. I got an agent, a deal, and it was… wow. It all came together for me.” My eyes moved back to the water. “But then it all came undone again. Like a giant wave, you know? Just building up and up. Feeling so good. And then the wave crashes. It always crashes.”

  “I know the feeling,” Adam said. “But, hey, when one wave crashes, another one is right behind it.”

  “What if that doesn’t happen?” I asked.

  He touched my hand. “You know, I can’t believe you’re standing here, Elena. I hate the circumstances though. You can crash here tonight. My place is yours, okay?”

  “And then you’re kicking me out tomorrow?”

  “Nah,” he said. “You do whatever you have to do. I just want you to… I don’t know… be comfortable. That’s all. If this all just happened today. Hours ago. That’s a lot to take in. I’ll give you some privacy to think. Cry. Scream. Throw shit in the water. Whatever you have to do. I’ll be inside.”

  He squeezed my hand and let go.

  He walked away and I turned my head to watch him.

  He always knew what to say and what to do.

  And I always knew how to mess things up with him.

  Except now, this was different. We were older. My heart was broken. And just because he was there for me and looked the way he did, that didn’t mean things would explode.

  But in some part of my heart - and body - I wished it would.

  * * *

  I checked my phone and there was nothing.

  No call. No text.

  Nothing.

  Not a word from Chad since I left the house.

  Which meant he took his shower and then went about his day as normal. Normal as in sleeping with some woman named Kaitlyn. Normal as in going behind my back. Only now, with his half-drunk confession, he had a new normal. Where he could go fuck Kaitlyn all he wanted without worry or guilt. That was, if he even felt worry or guilt at all over it.

  I sat on Adam’s couch with a heavy blanket that smelled like the inside of the house and him. I balled my hands over the blanket and pulled it up to my face. The television was on, the remotes on the table next to me. I had no interest in watching television. My eyes kept casually looking behind me to the door to his bedroom.