Game Changer (Hell's Saints Motorcycle Club)

by Marinaro, Paula

  “You might think it strange, but the naked part didn’t bother me that much. My parents were throwbacks, left over from the days of free love and clothing optional solstice celebrations.” She smiled a little at that and I smiled a little back.

  “It was the hunger in the eyes of the men when they looked at me that made me sick inside.” She held my gaze.

  “It was an exclusive club.” She added quickly.

  Then she laughed derisively, “What does that even mean? I used to wonder that. We danced buck naked for men just like any other stripper. They leered at us just the same, went home and jerked off to us just the same. Guess it meant no lap dances, no fat sweaty hands putting money in a G-string. The dark and the stage separated us from them. We wore golden headpieces and body jewelry and a strategically place sparkle now and again. But really, we were just naked dancers like the rest.”

  Glory went on, “I didn’t escort but some of the girls did .There was a private lounge too. This area had its own private setting. Private stage, private bar, private cocktail waitress and private dancers. I worked that room a lot. A lot. Good money. Great money. Unbelievably fantastic money. There was that. The money part of it. I did it for the money, Raine.”

  I nodded understandingly. That made sense but I wondered why Glory felt she needed all that money. If she felt so debased doing what she did why did she need the money? But I had learned long ago not to cast judgment. Someday we would know the whys of Glory’s sad story.

  For now I would listen while Glory talked.

  “I performed on stage while those disgusting men jerked off or got hard while the escorts wiggled in their laps getting them ready for the “later on”. And I could see them. They were right there. In the public stage downstairs, we usually performed together, parading in and out with ridiculous synchronized acts. The stage was so brightly lit you couldn’t really see the customers. This was in Vegas did I tell you that? Did I remember to tell you that?” Glory eyes were looking at me bright with tears.

  “No honey, you didn’t.” I answered.

  She nodded and continued, “Well, it was. When I danced downstairs it wasn’t as bad. But then after the act, they would often request a private show and the deal was we had to go. Had to dance privately. But anything else, that was up to us. They were real good about that. It was up to us. I never did any of the other stuff, but the private dancing was bad enough. I could see them. I could see their faces. I could hear their thoughts. It was revolting. But I had to do it. It was something that, at the time, I had to do. So I learned how to hide my revulsion. Revulsion was bad for business. So I taught myself to look right through them, see right passed them. I learned to be where they were but have them disappear.”

  “That’s how I know you can do it too.” Glory focused on me and was back.

  Then she looked horrified. “Oh god, Raine I know it’s not the same. Diego isn’t that guy. He isn’t that leering disgusting guy, I didn’t mean it that way. Not at all. Not at all.”

  “I know that honey. I know you didn’t mean that.” I was quick to reassure my panicked friend

  “I only meant that there is a way of avoiding seeing him when he is where you need or want to be. Doing that may make it easier for you until you are ready to deal with him again.”

  I doubted if that would ever happen. If I ever would be ready to deal with him again. If I could ever look at Diego without hearing the words he threw at me. If I could ever see him without revisiting the fury in his eyes at the news I was carrying his child. Maybe there would come a time when I could look at him and not feel that pain. That absolute total pain that presented itself like anger. Maybe there would come that time.

  But until then, I had to find a way to be where he might be. To stand where he might stand and not be effected. I needed to not see him. I needed to have him hidden from me when he was in plain sight.

  “Teach me how, teach me how to make him disappear.” I said to Glory.

  And she did

  Chapter 56

  After Glory and I talked I felt better. And I think she did too. We were both afraid and that made us both braver in the long run. Strength in numbers or something like that.

  Anyway, like the misbegotten princesses in some old forgotten fairy tale, Glory and I were going to the ball.

  And it was time to get dressed.

  It was fun actually. Glory did my hair and I did her makeup. We both chose sundresses. Hers was a beautiful soft cotton blue that was long and stopped midway on her pretty toned calves. It had a strapless bandeau top that crossed tightly over her breasts and fell into soft drapes around her. She wore thin flat white sandals on her feet. The look was sexy without being trashy and the cotton made the dress casual enough for the party. Honestly with that cute little pixie cut of hers, when she didn’t sex it up just a fraction, she looked to be about twelve years old. A fact we lovingly teased her about often. But Glory didn’t seem to mind. Once she told me the newly shorn hair felt like it gave her a chance on a newly shorn life.

  Nothing wrong with that.

  My dress was a flirty little thing. It was black rayon with tiny little pink flowers sprinkled liberally throughout the fabric. It was one of my new maternity dresses so the waist band was set empire and it flowed nicely over my little round tummy. It had an eyelet trim peeking out from the hem and bodice which gave it a country look. It stopped just at my knees. I was going to wear a thin pair of strappy sandals but then thought about the unevenness of the field and dirt road of the compound and decided on my new cowboy boots. They had been expensive and were beautifully stitched with pretty designs. They were feminine without being clunky. I kept my hair loose but tied it with a pretty pink ribbon.

  When I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked beautiful. My skin had deepened to a golden tan, and the prenatal vitamins had added luster to my hair. At this stage of the pregnancy I had lost the chubby no waist look and it had been replace by a definite baby bump. Thankfully most of the weight had gone there. So far there had been no puffing out of my ankles or face. I still looked like me, I thought, only a better me. A prettier, healthier, happier me. A braver me. A mommy me.

  Claire was behind the food tables when we got there. They had gathered the half dozen or so picnic tables and set them up end to end. The tables were covered with cloths and those heated disposable foil trays. In between the trays of ziti, and meatballs and sausage stood mountains of desserts. I counted four kegs of beer already set up, and there were three pigs roasting in the three pits. A band had set up further out in the field and they were tuning and doing sound checks. I chuckled to myself as I thought that this was the bikers’ version of wine, women and song. It was men, music and meat.

  I was still smiling when I almost walked straight into him. Still smiling while I remembered what Gory had taught me. Still smiling when I looked straight through him.

  The afternoon had been progressing pretty well. Mostly Claire, Glory and I hung back and stayed behind the food tables, serving up it up to the masses, keeping things hot, getting rid of the cold stuff and bringing out the fresh stuff. We knew we didn’t have to do it but it was where we all were most comfortable. We fit in but we didn’t. You would think that a biker club like this one who had such disregard for the law or anything mainstream would not give two damns about labels and where folks belonged. But they did. There was a definite pecking order and hierarchy of the way things went down.

  Glory, Claire and I fell under Prosper’s umbrella. Everyone knew at this point that the baby I was carrying was Diego’s but that I was not his anymore. They knew Glory belonged to no one and what was happening between Claire and Reno was anybody’s guess. And the knowing of this stuff mattered to them. It mattered to the women who were interested in being owned by Diego or Reno and it mattered to the men who were interested in laying claim to one of us.

  So while we got the respect of belonging to Prosper’s family (and that respect went a long way), we didn’t get the entitle
ment of being hands off either. Plainly speaking, the three of us were fair game. So we stood where the tables would separate us from the wolves.

  And we stayed together. For the most part, we stayed together.

  But the first time I saw him again, I was alone.

  I had been moving toward the door with two handfuls of cold cuts trays. I was thinking about how I was going to manage opening it with both hands full. I laughed at myself for being so dumb as to fill both my hands knowing I was going to have to open the damn door. I was almost upon it when it opened for me.

  I knew it was him. I smelled the clean smell of soap wafting through the screen. I knew the muscled shoulder and the tattooed bicep that held that door open. I almost lost my lunch when squeezing past him caused my protruding belly to brush against his in a long motion while I tried to navigate the door, my balance and the two trays on my hand.

  I knew it was him.

  But I didn’t look up.

  Not once.

  My eyes never moved past my line of vision. I heard him call my name softly as I passed him. Then as my eyes lowered to fasten on those trays, I muttered a quiet thank you and walked on.

  I walked right passed him.

  Then I busied myself in the refrigerator and felt him leave.

  Only when I heard the screen door snap close, did I breathe again, putting my palm on my belly and a hand to my head.

  Glory was right, my eyes had rendered Diego invisible.

  But my heart…well, that was another story. My heart had known he was there.

  My heart had known. It had shown me it had known by skipping a few beats and sending a drumming to my ears and a sweat to my palms. But it had also shown me that it had recovered. That the pain from being near Diego had not stopped my heart from beating.

  The pain of seeing him had not and would not kill me.

  I rested a little easier after that. Glory, Claire and I were spelled from our duties and we grabbed something to eat and went to sit closer to the music and Prosper.

  “Hey, grandpa.” I leaned down and kissed his cheek.

  “Hey Lil Darlin’” Prosper patted the side of my face as I leaned in to him.

  “How’s that grandbaby of mine doing?” he asked.

  I smiled at him and patted my tummy the way pregnant women do and I said” Baby is loving him some meatballs and reggae.”

  “Him?” Pinky leaned in.

  I laughed at that, “Just a pronoun, Pinky. Not an indication.”

  “So you still don’t want to know what my grandbaby is gonna be?” Prosper asked with just a slight slur beginning to form around his words. The day had turned into dusk and he had been nursing his brews all afternoon, pacing himself. The empties in front of him constantly being replaced.

  “Don’t know, don’t care….”

  “Don’t matter!” Pinky, Prosper, Claire and Glory finished the sentence in unison for me. We had had this conversation a few times before.

  I laughed good naturedly.

  Suddenly I felt the air change around me and a shadow stand next to me. His big arm reached around me to put another round in front of Prosper.

  “Happy Birthday, boss.” Diego did the man arm shake thing with Prosper. Crow was behind him and did the man arm thing too.

  “Thank ya brotha.” Prosper’s slur a little more pronounced now and he staggered on his first attempt to stand up.

  “Sit down, old man. And drink the fuck up.” Crow set down a sterling engraved flask with the Saints insignia on it, Prosper’s name and the date he founded the MC.

  “What the fuck is this?” Prosper roared.

  “It’s your goddamn birthday present you ungrateful sonofabitch.” Crow rejoined.

  “Jesus, look at that date.” He was holding the flask in his somewhat unsteady hand. “Been doing this a long time. Guess I don’t look too bad for an old fuck.”

  “Oh yeah, you’re one pretty bastard, Prosper.” Crow said. Then he put a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label in front of him.

  “Whoaaa hooo hooo hooo! What we got here?” Prosper’s bleary eyes were focused.

  “Just a little something to put in the flask from my man, D and me.” Crow said.

  “Thank ye boys. Thank ya vewwy muxh.” Prosper was slurring steadily now.

  “Jesus.” Pinky pushed the bottles away from him and shoved her cup of hot coffee in front of him. “If you don’t want me to have the boys bring you home and tuck your drunken birthday ass into bed, you better drink up.”

  “S’okay.” Prosper said with a grin and reached for the coffee cup.

  Crow looked at me and caught my eye. “How’s it going Raine?”

  I nodded at him.

  “Glory, Claire.” Crow nodded at them.

  They nodded back.

  I turned to go and Diego was in my path. I did what Glory told me to do and did not look up past his chest. Did not look into his eyes.

  “How are you, Raine?” He asked me.

  I felt my heart race and the baby move.

  “I’m okay.” I responded.

  “Good. Glad to hear it. You look okay.” He said.

  Okay? I looked okay?

  I glanced up at him then. Big mistake. Big stupid mistake.

  Because he didn’t look so good. Oh, he looked good. He always looked good. Diego was a big badass good looking guy. No getting around that. So it wasn’t that he didn’t look good, he looked damn good but he also looked worried. He looked sick with worry. He looked like a man who hadn’t slept in a long time. Stubble filled his hollowed cheeks and he had fine lines around his eyes that I didn’t remember seeing before.

  Well, join the club I thought. Join the goddamn club.

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “I mean you look okay, but better than okay. You look uhhhh…you look uhhh.” Diego was looking at me from head to toe, his eyes lingering on my rounded belly.

  “You look uhhhh…” Diego was still stuck.

  “Pregnant. Diego. I look pregnant.” I thought I would help the idiot out.

  Then I walked passed him. Again, straight passed him.

  Then my girls got up and walked straight passed him too.

  Crow scrubbed his hand over his face, slapped D hard on the shoulder and said, “Jesus, D. You look….uhhhhhh? What the fuck was that?”

  “I was gonna say beautiful.” Diego said watching Raine walk away.

  “Yeah, well that probably would have been a fuckload better.” Crow was watching Raine walk away too.

  Chapter 57

  “Yup, and do you know how much a good car seat costs?” I was sitting at the kitchen house with Jules munching on my third piece of French toast. I was looking through a baby store sale pamphlet and was circling my wish list.

  “No fucking idea, honey.” Jules was rigging his fishing pole. Crimping the leads, choosing the lures, tying the hook.

  “Another piece please.” I pushed the syrupy plate towards him.

  “Coming up fatty pants.” Jules moved towards the stove.

  “Twenty pounds so far. And all of them due to your French toast Jules.” I said rubbing my baby belly.

  “So maybe gonna have to name the kid after me. Jules if it’s a boy.” Jules was dipping the bread in the egg wash.

  “And if the baby is a girl?” I asked smiling.

  “Julia. Julie. Willow. Jewel. Something along those fucking lines.” He said totally seriously.

  “I’ll consider it.” I said laughing. “Just keep that French toast coming.”

  Just then the door opened and Crow, Reno and Diego walked in.

  Shit.

  I had been doing pretty well at the looking through him stuff. I had been where he was several times since the party. I was becoming very good at letting my eyes dance on the heads of the brothers without ever quite landing on Diego. But every time it took a little more out of me. Every time I saw him, every chance he got, Diego would find a way to be near me. He would comment on the weather or tell me a litt
le about his day. Where he was going, what he was doing.

  The weather. Really. Like I gave two shits whether or not it looked like rain.

  I had no idea what he thought he was doing.

  So I would nod politely and get away from him as soon as possible.

  He never asked about the baby, and after that first embarrassing encounter, he never blatantly looked at my baby belly. But a couple of times out of the corner of my eye, I would see him watching me and his eyes seemed to be fixed on my stomach.

  There were days I could deal and days I just didn’t want to have to. Today was one of the days I didn’t want to have to.

  So I grabbed my purse regrettably leaving the fourth piece of French toast on the counter. I nodded to the boys and walked passed them out of the door. I was at the car when I heard my name called. Diego was coming at me at a run. I turned and tried to put the key in the lock fast but he was faster.

  “Hey Raine.” He was standing right behind me.

  “Hey.” I was still fumbling with the keys so much that I dropped them. When I went to bend down to grab them I got a sharp pain in my belly that took my breath away.

  “Hey, baby you okay?” Diego had bent down to retrieve the keys.

  Oh no he didn’t.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. But I really have to get going.” I put my hands out for the key.

  Diego palmed them.

  “Yeah, well maybe you shouldn’t be driving if you don’t feel so uhhhhhhh….if you are…”

  Jesus. He was stammering again.

  “Baby. Diego. It’s the baby. B…A…B….Y.”

  Maybe if I spelled it out for him…

  “Sometimes he kicks and surprises me that’s all.” I was exasperated.

  “He?” Diego was looking down at my belly.

  “No not he, or maybe he. I don’t know yet, is what I mean.” I was getting flustered.

  “You don’t know yet?” He repeated.

  “The baby, I don’t know the gender of the baby.” I took a breath and let it out in a whoosh.