The Impossible Search for the Perfect Man

by Martyn, Susie

  ‘He’s being monitored and they’ve got him on a whole load of drugs,’ says Mum in a strangely husky sounding voice.

  Dad coughs and winces. He’s obviously still in pain.

  ‘I’m going to talk to one of the nurses,’ I say to my parents. ‘I’ll be back in just a mo.’

  But I can’t find anyone to tell me other than what I already know. This is way scarier than last time.

  We sit for ages, my parents and me. All making bright attempts at conversation, all clearly worried out of our minds. Eventually, I get up.

  ‘I’m going home for now,’ I tell them. ‘But I’ll come in after work tomorrow.’

  ‘Thanks poppet,’ says Dad quietly, sounding for once quite grateful, not even trying to persuade me that I don’t need to.

  ‘Now don’t forget little Benjy, Mum,’ I say to my mother, in an attempt to lighten the mood. ‘He’ll be wanting his tea before long.’

  ‘Oh,’ says Mum startled. I think she’d completely forgotten about him.

  Marcus has started cooking supper when I get home. Delicious smells of something roasting in the oven make me realise how hungry I am, and there’s a bottle of wine uncorked waiting for us. As I collapse on our huge sofa, the day catches up with me.

  ‘Do you know,’ I say to him, gazing into his gorgeous, earnest eyes. ‘I’ve been merrily bowling along all my life, not a care in the world, apart from the bullying episode in school of course - and now look. First there’s my divorce, though of course I’m glad that happened because otherwise I wouldn’t have you.’ I stroke his stubbly cheek. ‘But this, with Dad, is different. Because he’s never going to be able forget that his heart could play up again at any time. None of us can forget… and it’s hard to see any positive side to that. It’s like for the rest of his life, there’ll be a big black shadow hanging over him.’

  I can’t help the single tear that rolls down my cheek.

  Marcus gets up and pours us both a glass of wine. Then he comes and sits next to me again, and says slowly, ‘You know, that’s not quite true, what you said just now. Well, it is, and yes, there will be a bit of a shadow as you put it, but I can see some positives. Look at how they’ve changed their lifestyle. They never used to do anything together, and it’s brought them closer again. And you know, it’ll have made all of you value each other more. Haven’t you seen more of them since his first heart attack, than for ages before?’

  He’s right of course, and as his words sink in, I feel a little of my tension ebb away and a little more hope creep in, as I pledge silently to never take Marcus for granted.

  ‘Have a drink,’ he says firmly, being masterful in that way that I adore, especially when he’s proffering a glass of wine. ‘Cheers. Now, are you ready to sample the culinary delights that I have waiting for you?’

  And not for the first time I wonder what I’ve done to deserve this.

  51

  Fortunately, life decides to have one of its less eventful spells again. With Karina working more in the office, now that he’s got our new computer up and running, Zac is released for more animal-related duties, though is always available in his role as Tech Support whenever we flounder. Which is often. The vets are busy as ever, especially as Beamish has all but retired. And I’ve had my official letter from him, confirming my new post as Practice Manager, with a far bigger pay rise than I’d anticipated.

  Emma and Ben are as blissfully happy as ever. Miles is still seeing bony Fiona, much to the amazement of all of us. She’s not too bad, though conversation is somewhat limited - to horses. And then there’s Will and Karina, another great love affair in the making. Quite how an affable, oafish American has charmed the slightly stiff, rather posh Karina is beyond me, but that girl is seriously in lurve…

  I’m happy to report that I hardly ever see Arian, though I occasionally hear little snippets when I catch up with Leonie and Pete. Correction, I should say when we catch up with Leo and Pete, because Marcus has become as much their friend as I am. Pete is doing really well. The internet business is going from strength to strength, and forget aeroplanes, he’s now completely obsessed with cycling. It looks as though he even shaves his legs. It cuts down the air resistance, I’m told. Looks mighty funny to me, big hairy Pete with smooth, hairless legs protruding from his tight, moisture-wicking lycra cycling shorts. Just hope he doesn’t do his head.

  Which leaves me and Marcus. And our secret wedding…

  Marcus has booked our registry office ceremony for this weekend. I’m bursting with excitement, and longing to tell someone, but the only one I can talk to about it is Agnes, who has my fairy dress hidden away in her spare room. I haven’t even told my parents, because with Dad only just out of hospital, I don’t want cause any excitement.

  On the Thursday before, when I go over after work to pick it up, she’s got a bottle of champagne on ice and two glasses on her kitchen table.

  ‘I hope you’ve got time?’ she says ‘After all, it’s not as though you’ve got any last minute wedding plans to see to is it?’ But she’s smiling. I always knew that Agnes would understand.

  ‘This is lovely,’ I say sincerely. ‘And thank you Agnes, so much, for keeping my secret and not getting involved in any subterfuge behind my back.’

  ‘Subterfuge? Oh, yes…’ She gives me a look. Then she passes me a little box.

  ‘Now Louisa, you know that old saying, something old, something new… Well, I wondered if you’d like to borrow this. I suppose it could be your something old and something borrowed all wrapped up into one.’

  I open the little box, imprinted with the name of a rather posh jeweller, and inside is the most beautiful silver bracelet. Its heavy links are ornate, and there little sparkly stones inset which twinkle as they catch the light. I’m so touched at her generosity, my eyes fill with tears.

  ‘I love it Agnes,’ I say quietly. ‘It will be perfect with my dress. Thank you, so much...’ And it will be, even more so because it’s hers.

  I sneak my dress home, and my borrowed bracelet, and hide them in the spare room which I lock. Marcus isn’t home, so I go and see my lovely horses, grazing in the sun on this lovely summer evening. Horace nickers and wanders over, and Mavis just lifts her head up and carries on eating, long tufts of grass sticking comically out of the sides of her mouth. I stroke darling Horace’s head, thinking in just a couple of days, I’ll be Louisa Fitzpatrick. Married. Secretly. Wife of Marcus Fitzpatrick, gorgeous vet and the only man I’ve ever properly loved. It just took a painful divorce for me to grow up enough to realise that.

  But at ten o’clock Marcus still isn’t home. I’m starting to wonder where he is, because he wasn’t on call and it’s most unlike him not to text. I’ve tried calling his mobile but all I get is Marcus Fitzpatrick, please leave a message…

  In fact I’m just thinking about going to bed without him, when the phone rings. Guessing it must be him, I leap up to answer it, ready to give him hell for not telling me where he is. But it isn’t Marcus, it’s Sam. The signal is terrible and he’s not making any sense at all.

  ‘Lou, something’s happened… it’s Marcus… break-in… he… the intruders.. Look, he’s been … A and E, so you might want to get yourself down there.’

  Sam’s mobile cuts out altogether at that point, and I stand there wondering if I heard him right. But he definitely said A and E. I have to be there - and grabbing my bag and keys, I’m out of there like a shot.

  Fortunately because it’s late, the roads are quiet and so I drive far faster than is safe, thinking all the time of Marcus. And I’m there in half an hour, and even manage to find A and E in no time, as due to the number of ailing and decrepit people in my life, I’ve become a dab hand at navigating hospitals.

  When I get to the reception, a battle-axe fixes me with a very stern look, and tells me to just take a seat please, until I impress on her that I’m Marcus’s fiancée and that he’ll most definitely want me with him. So then she calls a nurse, who takes me round to th
e cubicle where he’s being examined.

  Oh… Is that really him…

  I feel the biggest rush of love as I look at him - and then shock, because there’s barely an inch of him that isn’t purple and blue and covered in blood. His eyes are swollen and closed, and a nurse is holding a compress over them.

  ‘Marcus?’ I whisper tremulously. ‘What happened? Are you alright?’

  What a stupid thing to say. He’s far, far from alright, even an idiot like me can see that.

  But he turns his head in my direction and croaks, ‘Lou? I’m so glad you’re here…’ which appears to take an inordinate amount of effort on his part.

  ‘Sshhh…’ I tell him quietly and gently stroke the hand I’m holding in mine. ‘Don’t say anything for now. You’re in hospital, you’ll be fine, Marcus.’

  Just then Sam sticks his head round the side of the cubicle. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d got my message,’ he said ruefully. ‘Poor bloke, seems Zac’s bloody step-dad got his revenge after all. I think Marcus must have caught them breaking in. Guess they were looking for drugs. Beat the crap out of Marcus, him and his mate, before scarpering with our new computer.’

  ‘Hush, please,’ reprimands the nurse administering to Marcus. ‘You’re disturbing the patient.’

  ‘Come out here, Lou, and I’ll fill you in,’ suggests Sam, but Marcus is holding on to my hand so tightly, I can’t move.

  ‘Um,’ I say, ‘bit tricky,’ nodding at my hand. ‘Tell me here, quietly.’

  ‘Well, me and Zac were in the Dope, and as we left, this car almost ran us down. It was dark of course, but Zac stopped in his tracks and said, it’s im, me bleedin’ step-dad. Of course, when we saw where the car was headed, we followed. On foot, so we were a good ten minutes behind them. I got on my mobile and called the police, who wouldn’t come out because nothing had actually happened. I told them that something was definitely about to happen, but they dug their heels in. By the time we got there, Marcus was like this. Believe it or not, that Paris kid from up at the house had covered him with a blanket and called the police.’ He nods at Marcus lying in the bed, before adding grimly, ‘The office door was blowing in the wind, and the bastards were already in their car. Nearly ran us over as they left. Must have decided to leg it when Paris drove down. Just as well they didn’t see it was just a kid. There are three of us who can identify him. The police will get the bastard eventually.’

  Marcus is shifting uncomfortably by now, looking as though he’s in quite a lot of pain.

  ‘If you can’t be quiet, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave,’ says the nurse, more insistently. ‘Now I’m going to give you some more painkillers, Mr Fitzpatrick. You may feel a little sleepy.’

  Marcus tries to grunt. Sam winks at me and says, ‘I’ll make sure everyone knows who needs to. I’d just sit tight if I were you.’ And with that, he’s gone.

  Ages later they move us to a small ward. Marcus is barely conscious and I try to get comfortable in the chair next to his bed. But I’m terrified to stop watching him for even a second.

  I completely lose track of time. Emma texts me to say she’s collected Elmer, she’ll feed my horses unless she hears from me and Karina will open the office first thing. I have an idea, now, how Agnes felt when she was in hospital; about how difficult it is to accept that someone else can do your job just as well as you. Well, almost, in my case. But I’m relieved that I can just stay here with Marcus, because right at this moment, I really don’t think I could leave him.

  I must have dozed off at some point, because I open my eyes to find a wash of light on Marcus. Someone’s draped a blanket over me, but I’m still holding Marcus’s hand. He’s still sleeping, or at the very least drugged to the eyeballs, but at least he’s not writhing with pain.

  I think back to what Sam told me. I can quite imagine that Zac’s step-father was overjoyed to have the opportunity to settle a score with Marcus. But this time, he’s pushed his luck, because there’s no way Sam or Zac will let him get away with this.

  As if sensing my thoughts, Marcus stirs, registers I’m still here and goes back to sleep. And suddenly I’m frightened again, because what if he’s concussed or even brain-damaged? His head has been given a battering. In fact, looking at his injuries, who knows what damage has been done.

  Shortly after nine, Karina sends me a text to tell me that everything’s under control in the office and that she at long last understands why Beamish makes us write absolutely everything in the diary, which makes me smile a little. I text back, thanx so much L x. I’m so glad she’s there.

  And just shortly after ten, after a doctor comes and goes again, a policeman turns up, wanting to interview Marcus, who’s still unconscious.

  ‘I can tell you what happened if you like,’ I offer helpfully. ‘Zac’s step-father, who already has a reputation as a step-child beating, dog-poisoning, wife-stealing thug and who is probably a wanted criminal, broke into our office and when Marcus caught him in the act, he took great pleasure in duffing him up. And now he’s in a life-threatening condition.’

  I stare at the policeman, who isn’t writing anything I say in his notebook. Then he clears his throat and says, ‘Um Miss… er…’

  ‘…Mulholland,’ I say shortly. ‘And it’s Mrs.’

  ‘Mrs Mulholland. Were you actually at the premises when the above allegation took place?’

  ‘Um, no. Of course not. I was waiting for Marcus to get home.’

  The policeman raises his eyes heavenward, and says rather narkily, ‘I can’t take down hearsay in place of evidence. I really need to talk to Mr Fitzpatrick.’

  ‘Well, you’ll just have to wait, won’t you,’ I say stroppily. ‘And just for the record,’ I add, ‘if your lot had been just a little quicker off the mark, so to speak, none of this would have happened.’

  There’s an impasse as we glare at each other.

  ‘I suggest,’ I say loftily in the end, just to get rid of him, ‘that you’d be better off talking to Sam and Zac, who were there. Oh - and Paris Mankly-Talbot - and they can tell you exactly what I’ve just told you - if you’ve got an extra couple of hours to spare, that is? Which no doubt you do have?’

  I don’t know what’s got into me. Worry, I suppose. The policeman looks as though he’s biting his tongue as he gives me a nod and stomps off, leaving us in peace.

  ‘I didn’t know you were so scary,’ says a whisper of a voice behind me. Marcus. Thank God, and judging by that last remark, not too much damage done either.

  I turn round, so relieved to see his eyes prising themselves open through their poor, puffed-up eyelids. I reach over and try to kiss his cheek as gently as possible, but he still winces.

  ‘Are you hurting?’ I ask sympathetically. And stupidly.

  ‘It’s better than last night,’ he whispers, then winces again. ‘What day is it?’

  ‘Friday,’ I find myself whispering back. And oh my God. I’d completely forgotten. There’s no way we’ll be getting married tomorrow.

  ‘I’m - so – sorry - Lou,’ whispers Marcus, even more quietly this time and the next minute, his eyes have rolled up and disappeared into his head and his face has turned a horrible grey colour, as his body starts convulsing violently.

  I freeze – but only for a second, because the doctors have missed something, I just know it and terrified, I grab the buzzer by his bed, pressing it for all I’m worth.

  ‘Marcus, hold on, you’ll be okay,’ I cry frantically, still pressing the buzzer, but nothing happens. And suddenly the sound on the heart monitor turns to a single, high-pitched tone,

  Still, no-one comes, but I know that tone from all the ER TV I’ve watched. I know what it means, and already I’m leaping up in a blind panic, running out into the corridor screaming for help.

  52

  I wonder if I can ever go back to the person I used to be. I’ve discovered now how fragile happiness is, how quickly bliss can be shattered and how life can change, in the blink of an eye, for ever.<
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  At first it felt like a waking nightmare. While Marcus battled heroically with the most horrific internal injuries, I stumbled through each day at a time, sitting by his bedside, then in the hospital canteen waiting for yet another operation to be over, watching as he gradually grew weaker. Unable to hope for the best, I dreaded that moment I was terrified was coming. I’ve wondered so many times just how much the human body can take - and discovered the answer too.

  But the worst can bring out the best in people. I’ve found out how wonderful my friends are, each and every one of them. Emma has kept my fridge stocked with her wonderful cooking and looked after my animals when I haven’t been able to; Leo and Rachel between them virtually moved in with me to begin with, to make sure I was never on my own; Karina has kept the practice running like clockwork so I haven’t had to worry about that. I am eternally grateful to her. And Agnes, of course, has been an absolute tower of strength. But I’m starting to hope now, that with the worst behind me, it’s time to try to move on.

  So today is the day that I say goodbye to that horrible, terrible part of my life and step forward to the future. After all, isn’t that the only thing to do? And I know I’m lucky that I have one.

  It’s a day to make an effort for – but not overly so – and I’ve dried my hair and left it hanging loose on my shoulders, before dressing with the greatest care, leaving me ten minutes to sit. I wanted to be alone this morning. Just to think.

  But actually, I end up with about three minutes, because there’s an unexpected knock at my door. It’s Emma.

  ‘You okay, Lou?’ she asks, an anxious look on her face. ‘Only, I’ve come to get you. There isn’t time to explain. Let’s just say there’s been a slight change of plan.’

  After months of surprises, after everything that’s already happened, I don’t even ask what it is. I just follow her outside, to where Ben’s boxster at the side of the lane.