Not Another Soldier

by Holt, Samantha

  I’m still staring at the floor when he stands and his bare feet come into my vision. He tugs me into a fierce embrace, almost crushes me against that powerful torso.

  “You should have told me.” He presses my head against his chest and the thump of his heart is loud and steady. I like listening to it. “You should have told me, babe,” he repeats. “It was never your fault. Never, understand?” He draws my face away from him and uses a finger to press my chin up. The vehemence in his voice surprises me.

  I nod, unable to come up with a response.

  “I scared you, didn’t I?”

  I’m tempted to lie but I want to be honest with him and I think he can take it. Nick is the strongest man I know. “A little. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back the memories.”

  “Damn it.”

  I expect him to pull back but instead he skims his lips across mine. His hands come up to cup either side of my head. It’s not a gentle hold but I feel secure, safe.

  “I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but, fuck, if Rob was alive…”

  “I know.” Of course I do. Honorable, chivalrous Nick. He never would have put up with it. Maybe that’s why I never told him. It wasn’t up to Nick to save me from my marriage. Though he’s saved me countless times since.

  He drops his hands and drops a brief kiss to my forehead. “Come on, let’s sort something out to eat. I am starving.”

  I giggle as his tummy grumbles on cue, pleased the mood has lightened, if only for a while. We’ve got a lot of things to address, including the fact that I was nearly killed over a drug stash I know nothing about.

  ***

  Nick clears away the plates from the breakfast bar and I observe. He has a flannel shirt on now but he looks no less gorgeous for it. Slightly open at the neck, I have a good view of the tanned skin beneath. My fingers tingle at the memory of touching it.

  “Thanks for a great meal,” he says as he loads the dishwasher.

  “Hey, you did half of it.” I try not to smile at the memory. Cooking with Nick was certainly an experience. He’s not the best of chefs but I enjoyed it. I’ve never cooked with a man before and though he got under my feet, we still created a mean steak and homemade fries with salad.

  He eyes me under his brow as he finishes filling the dishwasher. “I chopped some vegetables. Not exactly ‘cooking.’”

  “Well I appreciated the help.”

  “Liar.”

  “Okay, I enjoyed you helping!” I hold up my hands. “Even if you did get in the way a little and burn the steaks just a tad.”

  He wipes his hand on a towel and saunters over to stand in front of me. He towers over me, giving me time to trace the outline of his muscles testing the seams of his shirt. My body pulses as a flutter of need dances through me. I can’t believe I want him again already.

  “Give me a barbeque over an oven any day.” His voice is light but when I meet his gaze I see the same need reflected.

  It’s getting dangerous. I need to get my head straight. Figure out what’s going on with Nick and all the strange things that have been happening to me. Lusting after him is not going to help. I stare at the countertop.

  “The guy who attacked me said he’d take pleasure in killing me,” I say quietly.

  Nick takes a step back and sinks onto the bar stool. The whimsical mood has gone but there’s only so long I can revel in whatever the hell this is between us. I’m forgetting about real life and I need the distance.

  “If you don’t return the drugs,” he says simply.

  “Yeah, I’m guessing so, but, shit, Nick, I’ve no idea what’s going on. I don’t have any drugs and I certainly never found any when I moved out. Surely if Rob had some hidden away somewhere, I’d have found them?”

  “You would think so.” He rubs the back of his neck. “It must be a big stash if they’re resorting to threatening you and breaking and entering.”

  “Exactly.” I throw my hands in the air. “I think I’d know if I was sitting on top of a load of drugs.”

  “I don’t know. I can’t see Rob keeping them at the house. He was pretty keen on keeping you and the rest of his life separate.”

  “So what am I to do? Just hope they believe me and leave me alone. The guy said this guy—Big John… no, Johnson—was going to be pissed if I didn’t hand the stash over.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know who that is.”

  That’s almost the worst thing. Dealing with the unknown. Is it just some small time criminal or someone bigger? A mob boss or something? This kind of stuff is so far removed from my life, I just have no idea how to cope with it.

  “I’ll ask around.” Nick grabs my hand and holds it tight. “We’ll figure this out, Sienna. I swear.” He stands and casts a worried look over me. “I’m going to pop back to base. I’ve got work stuff to deal with but I won’t be long. Don’t open the door to anyone.”

  “I’m not stupid,” I grumble.

  “I know you’re not. Just… just be careful, okay? Don’t go out and keep the door locked.” His thumb comes under my chin. “I mean it. If something happened to you…”

  He doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t have to. I feel the same. I don’t want to but I do. Which makes it all the more hard. Nick drops a light kiss across my lips and goes to get his sneakers. I watch his easy movements as he slips them on. Even with his injury there’s no awkwardness to his actions. A totally confident man. I envy him really. He knows what he wants and goes for it. I wish I knew what I want. I had it all planned out. Move on, become an independent woman. Maybe one day risk a relationship again. If I missed out on having a family, then so be it. That was the price to pay for protecting myself, though my heart hurts at the thought.

  Heat pervades my cheeks as he glances at me and I know instantly what he wants right now.

  Me.

  “Lock the door behind me.”

  I nod and wrap my arms around myself. A chill sweeps through me as the desire in his eyes dims, replaced with a stark look of worry. I stop myself from running to him and flinging my arms around his neck and begging him to stay. It’s better that he goes for a while and I can get to thinking.

  With one more look, he’s gone and I get up and lock the door carefully. My apartment feels empty and cold without him. Once I’d made the decision to divorce Rob, I looked forward to my own space, to not having to tip toe around for fear of pissing him off and being on the end of one of his moods. Though he only hurt me the once, I hated arguing with him. He usually froze me out and pretended I didn’t exist if I did something wrong. Even when Nick had been angry, he didn’t do that. He argued it out, put across his point honestly. I can deal with that much better than I can deal with the taciturn way Rob would treat me.

  I go into my bedroom and pick up my discarded top and jeans still covered in wine and throw them in the washing machine in the kitchen. How weird that the terrifying events of today are now clouded with heated memories of Nick peeling my clothes from me.

  Pouring myself a drink and slumping on the couch, I try to peel back the layers of steamy visions to recall the incident with the skinhead. I need to figure out what the hell they want or I’ll never get my life back. I can’t believe even in death Rob is causing me hassle. I hate that I feel guilty when I curse him for creating so many problems for me. He’s dead and it was his fault but I shouldn’t be angry with a dead man. After all, he paid the ultimate price for his behavior.

  And I guess I still question if there wasn’t more I could have done. Some kind of intervention. But Rob never exposed me to that side of his life. The drinking, the affairs and apparently the drug dealing. He kept us separate. It was like he wanted me in this little bubble. His perfect wife. When I wasn’t perfect, I might as well have not existed. Had it not been for the gossipy nature of many military wives, I may have remained in ignorance about the other women. Somehow, that was the least painful part of my marriage. I could cope with not being wanted sexually—well, maybe not cope—
but it didn’t hurt as much as the indifference toward me as a person. It was the loneliness that really got to me.

  And now I’m alone again. Why have I fought so hard for this? Would it be so bad to have Nick in my life? But of course I’d still have to deal with the isolation that being a military spouse creates. I blow out a breath and take a sip of my juice. Perhaps once we’ve burned our way through the chemistry between us, we’ll go our separate ways. I don’t want to lose Nick as a friend but I can’t bear the thought of not touching him again. I doubt I can fight that. I’m screwed either way really. Either I fight my need for him and never experience our amazing sex again or I give in and risk heartache.

  I glance at the box still sitting in the corner of the room. Rob’s stuff. I still haven’t sorted it. I still haven’t sorted out a lot of things in my life. I suspect I’m moving too quickly which is why I’m so confused. Add that to the fact shit just got crazy and it’s no wonder my mental state is so messed up. Why Nick wants a part of this is beyond me.

  I put my juice on the coffee table and kneel next to the box. Maybe I’ll find some kind of clue as to where Rob’s been hiding the drugs so I can get these guys off my back. I don’t even know what I’ll do if I find the stash. Hand it over to the cops I guess and pray these drug dealers don’t kill me for it. My stomach twists as my neck throbs in remembrance.

  A tremor sweeps through me and my eyes grow heavy suddenly. I jump up and snatch my cell from the kitchen side. Although I feel guilty, I am definitely calling in sick for a few days. I’ve had enough excitement to last me a life time and I don’t want to risk these guys getting hold of me at work. I shudder as the chill increases. Damn, as much as I want my independence, I’ve got to admit, I am terrified without Nick.

  Chapter Seven

  Nick

  I wake feeling odd and remember who’s sleeping next to me, and whose bed I’m in. I’m not sure why she let me sleep with her again. I didn’t expect it. I was bracing myself for another argument. I was waiting for regret. Thank God, she didn’t express any. Though she’s still wary, I think. Damn, I can’t believe Rob messed her up so bad. Why did I never step in? If I’d have known he tried to hurt her, I’d have killed him myself. I was so concerned about not interfering. If I had torn her marriage apart, would it have been for my own reasons or for her benefit? I could never be sure I wasn’t acting selfishly and I was so weak still. What could I offer her? Oh and don’t forget my stupid misguided loyalty to Rob… Yeah, I’m an idiot.

  I roll over and study her—just look at her. She’s lying on her side, one arm tucked under her pillow. There’s a smudge of mascara or something under her eye from where she didn’t take off her make-up last night and her lips are still puffy from my kisses. She’s snoring slightly and it makes me grin. It’s a light snore, kinda cute. Maybe that’s just me… I’m sure as hell totally lost when it comes to this woman.

  We made love again last night. Yeah, I’m damned sure it’s love-making now. We went way past sex yesterday. It was slow and sensual and then fast and frantic, and one of those kind of soul joining moments that makes your heart ache. Geez, now I sound like a fucking poet. But then I’ve always been soft in the head when it comes to Sienna.

  My stomach twists slightly as I consider where to go from here. I need to protect this woman but how can I protect her from the unknown? I’ve never even seen this guy who attacked her. I’ve seen the evidence though. I curl my fist at my side as I let my gaze follow the little bruises visible on her neck. It’s astonishing how strong Sienna is. She just fought off a guy intent on killing her and she’s still going. She seems to think she’s weak but how many other people would pick themselves up after shit like she’s been through and be so giving? Sienna gives and gives, at work and in her personal life. Sex with her is incredible. She’s so open, each reaction is so genuine. I’ll admit all those noises and facial expressions as I drive into her are pretty flattering to a guy’s ego.

  Now I need to persuade her to let me make love to her forever. She stirs and I’m aware of a slow smile spreading across my face when her grey gaze meets mine. She’s so stunning, even with smudges under her eyes and messy hair, who wouldn’t be beaming like an idiot?

  “You look cute, all sleepy,” I say, drawing her into my hold.

  She wriggles slightly. “I bet you say that to all the ladies.”

  “No, just you.” I try to hold her still. I want to savor her sweet, warm body without getting turned on again. Things have moved so quickly, far more quickly than I’d ever intended, and we need to figure out what to do about these guys who have been coming after her. If it was up to me, I’d just keep her locked in her bedroom—preferably with me—but I know she won’t stand for any of it.

  She glances up and I see the hint of vulnerability in her gaze. Christ, she clearly has no idea what she does to me. Rob somehow sapped every ounce of self-confidence from her. I hope I can put it back.

  “Don’t lie to me, Nick. I know you too well. And I know I’m a wreck in the morning.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re a cute wreck.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  I drop a kiss on her nose, release her and climb out of bed before I get any ideas about peeling off that flimsy teddy thing and burying myself to the hilt. I need to get my head straight.

  “I’m going to take a shower.” I bite my tongue to prevent from asking her to join me. Sienna… soapy, wet… fuck, I’m going to take a cold shower. “Then we need to decide what to do about all this shit. I think we should go to the cops or call that detective.”

  Sienna pushes herself up and chews on a fingernail. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll call him. I don’t want to go down to the station.”

  “Okay.” I snatch the bag of stuff I dumped in her bedroom. I should feel remorseful for cluttering her place up and I’m usually better than all these primeval instincts, but I feel kind of like a Neanderthal wanting to mark my territory. Just a little reminder that she won’t be getting me out of her life easily. If I let Sienna, she’d force me away and then we’d both be miserable. As strong as she is, she can also be damned foolish. And denying what’s between us would be the stupidest thing ever. I know it’s worth taking a risk on but it seems she doesn’t yet.

  When I straighten, I see her cheeks are flushed. She starts as if she’s been caught doing something and I don’t even battle the knowing grin creeping its way across my face. I’m not the only one fighting my needs and I can’t help enjoy her study of me.

  I probably strut into the bathroom. Hell, who wouldn’t when they’ve got a gorgeous woman looking at you like they want to eat you up? I peel off my briefs and dive in the shower. I’m going to make it a quick one. I don’t want to waste much time and I don’t want her sitting there, thinking. The woman does far too much of that. If she only trusted her instincts for once, things would be great. She’s so wary now. Yeah, she said no promises, but I can’t help it. I want her promises.

  I scrub my hair and soap myself with the shower gel I packed. I meant it when I said she was like a light to me. My leg twinges as if to remind me why. Sienna was the only woman who never treated me any different after my injury. Liberty leaving didn’t hurt—well, maybe it hurt my ego but not my heart—but she wasn’t the only woman to treat me like a cripple. I saw it a lot afterward. The pity. And then the weird hero worship. It was as if it was a competition to some of them. Who can sleep with the cripple and not be turned off by his major scar? Or they’d put me up on some strange pedestal and be disappointed that I wasn’t some big, bad soldier all the time.

  But not Sienna. Even when she was bogged down in that crappy marriage, she treated me with humor and kindness, the same way she treats everyone, even if they don’t deserve it. She looks at me and doesn’t see an injured soldier or a hero. She sees Nick. It’s nice not to be treated differently. With Sienna, I can forget it ever happened and that’s what I need. It might not be the healthiest way of dealing with things but I know myself and I
know what I need. My grandpa was the same. He never talked about the war, just shoved it aside and got on with living. My dad was one of eight. I know well my grandpa lived his life well and that’s what I want. To move forward. With Sienna.

  I finish up my shower and towel myself off, slinging it around my hips. I debate my reflection in the steamy mirror and decide to skip shaving. I’ve got a week’s leave put in so what’s the point? One of the benefits of rank. Plus I kind of fudged it, saying it was for compassionate reasons. There was no way I was leaving Sienna after everything that’s happened to her. If she ended up hurt because I wasn’t around to protect her, I’d never forgive myself.

  I dig out a clean shirt, briefs and jeans and throw them on. A quick squirt of cologne and another towel dry of my hair and I’m good to go. My heart sinks a little when I hear clattering in the kitchen. I know I said no more sex for now but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to have a little playtime in bed with her.

  Running a hand across my face, I curse. “Shit.” I really need to gain control of myself. How can I focus on getting her out of this mess if I’m always thinking with my cock?

  I stroll into the kitchen and she views me with that wide-eyed look of hers, the one that makes me feel like a predator who’s going to eat her up.

  “It’s all yours, babe.” I point to the bathroom like an idiot. She knows where her bathroom is.

  “Thanks.” She puts down the glass she was holding and brushes past me.

  I snatch an arm and pull her quickly into my hold. She gasps, a sweet, sexy noise that makes my insides curl, as I dip my head to hers.

  “I haven’t brushed my teeth,” she protests.

  “I don’t care.” I claim her mouth and she tastes of orange juice so I know her objections were for nothing.

  Her body softens into me and I take the chance to grab her rear and mold her to me. I’m hard already. It only seems to take a kiss from her. Sometimes it only takes a look. I don’t want to do anything right now but I need her to know I’m not letting her off easily. She’s mine, whether she realizes it or not. Okay, so it’s back to that primitive, marking my territory type thing but I can only play it so softly. If I let her, Sienna would retreat completely from me. I need to push, just a little, until I’m totally ingrained in her mind, like she is with me.