Their friendship meant a lot to my son, and by the look in Cason’s eyes, I knew he felt the same. Would Ryan really let Cason’s sexuality get in the way of that? I’d like to say no, but Ryan could be very closed-minded on certain things.
“The only approval you need is your own,” I said. “Being rejected by someone you love hurts. Believe me. It breaks my heart every day that Ryan doesn’t treat me like he used to before finding out. It will probably always hurt. But what hurts most is pretending to be something you’re not.”
“I won’t pretend forever,” Cason responded. “Just until we start college. I’m not ashamed of who I am, and I don’t wanna spend my life hiding. I finally feel… I don’t know how to explain it. I feel lighter, even though it’s scary, you know?”
I understood perfectly. That’s how I’d felt when I started seeing Jay and finally embraced the Emery I’d rejected for so many years. Being gay in the South had its own set of challenges, but I was proud of the man I’d become. No one could take that from me.
“Have you told your parents?” I asked.
“No.” Cason laughed dryly. “My dad isn’t around, and my mom is too pilled up to care about anything except for her next fix. No sense in telling her.”
Cason appeared so haunted in that moment. His eyes had a faraway look to them, and all I wanted was to bring him back from whatever bad thought had hold of him.
“You’re the only person I have right now, Emery. The one person I can talk to.”
I made my decision in that moment. This beautiful man wanted me, and I didn’t have the power to fight him anymore.
Sliding my hand to his nape, I kissed him. He released a startled groan before easing into the kiss, allowing me to guide him to his back on the bed. Our lips moved together, slow yet firm. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and slapped a hand to my back, hooking a leg over mine.
“Are we gonna have sex now?” he panted, laying his head on the pillow and peering up at me.
“No,” I said. He started to say something, and I cut him off with another kiss. “Not tonight.”
I was afraid I’d hurt him if we did it right then. I needed time to prepare.
He smiled. “Does that mean we’ll do it tomorrow, then?”
“For a virgin, you’re sex-crazed.”
“I’m sex-crazed because I’m a virgin,” Cason whined, rolling his hips up into me. The bulge pressing against me said he was more than ready to go right now.
But I wanted more for him than just a hard fuck between the sheets. Despite me not having many romantic relationships, I was a romantic at heart. And Cason deserved romance. He deserved for his first time to be something memorable. I also wanted to give him time to think it through properly.
I didn’t want to be something he’d regret.
“You’re not gonna push me away again, are you?” he asked, sliding his fingers through the back of my hair.
I should push him away, but I was too selfish. Fighting my attraction for him had done nothing but drive us both crazy. As wrong as it might be, I couldn’t stay away any longer.
“No,” I answered, gliding my lips along his neck. He shuddered and held on to me tighter. “I don’t know what it is about you that won’t let me go, but I’m done running from it.”
“Good,” he said, tugging on my hair to tilt my head back. Cason leaned up and kissed my throat. “Because this feels too damn amazing.”
Giving in to temptation always did.
Cason’s eyes closed and the hand moving in my hair began to slow.
He looked exhausted. When was the last time he’d gotten a good night’s sleep? The comment about his mom had stuck with me. No dad and a mom who sounded irresponsible. And then I remembered that vulnerability in his eyes the morning I’d made him breakfast… as though he wasn’t used to someone taking care of him.
I found myself holding him just a bit closer to my chest.
I didn’t know what he wanted from me—a friend, someone to have fun with before college, or something more—but as I held him in my arms, seeing his tender expression as he fell asleep, I knew I couldn’t go back to avoiding him.
***
My alarm went off at six the next morning. I reached for my phone and shut it off before relaxing back in place. The bed was more comfortable than usual. Warmer. It took my sleep-muddled brain a moment to remember why.
Cason was here.
He cuddled against my chest with one arm draped across my stomach. I glided my fingers up his muscled arm and traced the curve of his bicep before continuing to his shoulders. I admired his smooth skin and the strength beneath it, a body formed from his time lifting weights and running drills.
“Like what you see?”
I jumped and looked at his face. Cason’s eyes were open, though barely, and a sleepy smile curved his lips.
“Good morning,” I said, withdrawing my hand.
He snatched it back and brought it to his lips, softly kissing my fingertips. “Mornin’.”
Those brown eyes never left me. He was incredibly gorgeous and highly sexual. It amazed me that he’d never had sex before, not even with women.
I’d lost my virginity to Amber. Jay had only been the second person I’d ever slept with. Of course, there’d been many more since then. But this gorgeous man had only ever been touched by me.
“I need to shower before work,” I said, before kissing Cason on the head and getting out of bed.
“Need some company?”
I walked to the closet to pick out a suit for the day. “If I have you naked in that shower, neither of us would be going anywhere for a long time.”
“Promise?” Cason asked, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my bare waist.
“If this is how sexual you are being a virgin, I can’t even imagine you after actually having sex.”
What had I gotten myself into?
“It’s your fault for being so damn hot.” Cason chuckled and kissed the area between my shoulders. I liked it. “You didn’t change your mind, did you? About us.”
I turned in his arms and touched his jaw, trailing a finger to his mouth. “We need to talk and figure out where we stand. But no, I haven’t changed my mind.”
“What do you mean by where we stand?” he asked, scrunching his brow. “You make it sound like a business meeting.”
“We need to decide if you just want to fuck me or if you want something more. Your answer will determine how I proceed.”
“Why is it only what I want?” Cason played with the waistband on my boxer briefs. “What do you want?”
When he pushed his hand down my briefs and grabbed my dick, I hissed between my teeth and grabbed his face to pull him in for a kiss. He smiled against my mouth, stroking me. It was clear what I wanted in that moment.
Knowing my willpower was slipping even further, I gently pushed him away and grabbed a clean pair of underwear from the drawer.
“Help yourself to anything from the kitchen,” I said before leaving him in my bedroom.
What did I want?
The closest thing I’d had to a relationship since Amber was with Jay—and that’d been strictly sexual. I wasn’t against relationships, but it was difficult to imagine myself in one with someone as young as Cason. Someone who wasn’t out. Especially someone who would cause an even bigger gap between me and Ryan.
Because if Ryan didn’t already hate me, he certainly would if he learned I was with Cason.
I had a lot to think about.
In the shower, that’s exactly what I did—contemplated my next move. Maybe I was overcomplicating things by overthinking the situation. We didn’t need a term for what we were; Cason wanted to explore his sexuality, and I was more than willing to help. He’d never said or even hinted that he wanted a relationship.
The virgin thing was really messing with my head. I didn’t know how to act around him.
After the shower, I wrapped a towel around my hips and shaved before changing i
nto a dark gray suit. The smell of coffee reached me, luring me into the kitchen.
“You clean up nice,” Cason said, eyeing me over his mug. “Impressive that you look just as good in clothes as you do out of them.”
“You haven’t seen me naked, so how would you know?” I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and poured a cup of coffee.
“Hey, I’ve seen your ab pics on your profile,” Cason said, sitting beside me at the island. “And I got all cozy with you this morning while you were just in your boxers. I don’t need to see your package to know it’s a good one.”
I nearly choked on my coffee.
A self-satisfied smile touched his lips.
“Are you working today?” I asked, checking the time. I needed to leave in half an hour.
“I go in at noon.”
“You can stay here until you go if you want,” I said, not sure what possessed me to say it. But I liked the visual of him in my kitchen, wearing nothing but his underwear. It was a sight I wouldn’t mind more of.
“Thanks. I should probably get home, though. I didn’t bring a change of clothes.”
“Oh, right.”
More coffee. More silence.
“You’re awkward as fuck, Emery.” When I looked at Cason, curious, he grinned. “Just treat me like you would any other guy.”
“If that were the case, I would’ve fucked you last night and sent you on your way,” I pointed out. “Right now… with you… is different for me.”
“A guy’s never stayed over before?”
“Never.”
His smile widened. I realized then how much I liked his smile—how I’d love to make him do it more often.
“Think over what I asked you earlier,” I said, standing from the barstool and taking my cup to the sink. “I know it’s not as sexy to discuss these things beforehand, but it’s smart to talk about it so there aren’t any misunderstandings later on.”
“I don’t need to think about it.”
I looked back at him.
“I want my first time to be with you,” Cason said, his cheeks darkening as he dropped his gaze to the countertop. “I’m not asking for a relationship or anything permanent. Just a fun time before I go off to college.”
“So, a summer fling.”
He glanced up. “Yeah. If that’s cool with you. No commitment. Just sex and a good time. I could always meet a guy on that app, but I’d prefer to be with you.”
My moral compass told me to say no, but my own selfish desires won. I could no longer turn him away, as I’d learned last night.
“And you’re okay with losing your virginity to a guy you have no long-term intentions with?” I asked, needing the reassurance.
Cason rolled his eyes. “Dear god in heaven. This isn’t the old days. Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I have to court the man I fuck and marry him. I’m perfectly okay with the arrangement we agreed on. So can you please stop treating me like a chaste damsel about to give it up on her wedding night?”
Very well. If that’s what he wanted, then I was okay with it too. Or I’d try to be.
“I have to be at the office by eight for a meeting,” I said, walking over to him. “See you tonight?”
“I can come back over?”
“I’ll need to take care of a few things before you do,” I said, smoothing my thumb along his jawline. If we were going to have sex, I needed to make a few preparations. “I’ll message you when I’m finished.”
“Should I be scared?” He grinned.
“Excited, perhaps. But not scared.” I pressed our lips together. He sighed happily and eased into the kiss, tasting like coffee and hazelnut. The kiss was short but satisfying. It would hold me over until I had him in my bed later. “Enjoy your morning, and I’ll see you tonight.”
Cason’s grin was too damn precious as he settled back into the seat and grabbed his coffee. He looked happy.
On the way to my office, I tapped a finger on the steering wheel. Fighting the urge to call the one person who could help me.
He called me first.
“Hello?” I answered, a bit stunned.
“Did you just wake up?” Jay asked. “You sound off.”
“No. Why are you calling?”
“You’re as friendly as ever,” he mumbled. “It’s about the hearing Thursday afternoon. Just found out my paralegal double-booked me, and I have to move it to another day. Is that cool with you? Thought I’d ask before sending the motion to the judge. It helps my case to have the other party in agreement.”
Jay had done me plenty of favors in the past, sending discovery when I missed a deadline and cooperating on plea deals. It was the least I could do for him.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I tapped my thumb on the wheel again. “Can I ask your opinion on something? Non-work related.”
“Oh?” His interest was definitely piqued, as I knew it would be. “Let’s hear it.”
“Have you…” Christ, why was it so hard to say? “Have you ever had sex with a virgin?”
Silence.
“You mean other than you?” he asked.
“I wasn’t a virgin.”
“You were an ass virgin,” he argued. “I don’t think you even realize how nervous I was to fuck you that first time, Cross, but you came back for more, so I must’ve done something right. Why are you asking? Oh, damn. It’s that guy, isn’t it? The complication?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a damn virgin? How old is this guy?”
“Forget I asked,” I said, arriving at work and parking. The last thing I wanted was for Jay to find out the truth, that I was chasing a guy the same age as my son.
“Wait, don’t hang up,” Jay said in a rush. “Look, if you plan on banging a virgin, I can give you some tips.”
And then I listened as he went into graphic detail, talking about preparation with toys and a lot of foreplay. By the end of the—very awkward but informative—conversation, I walked inside the office and prepared for my meeting.
As I read over the paperwork, my thoughts drifted to how sexy Cason had looked sitting half-naked in my kitchen. I wished I could’ve stayed with him longer, maybe even sucked him off again. I still battled the side of myself that said it was wrong to get involved with him, but I was tired of saying no.
He wanted me, and damn it all I wanted him too.
Chapter 11
Cason
I’m finally getting laid tonight.
Emery had made it clear that he planned to screw me that night, and I was unfocused all day at work because of it. Just three more hours before my shift was over. Two more. One. At five thirty that evening, I clocked out and drove home.
My phone vibrated. I glanced at the screen, seeing Liam pop up. Emery had messaged me earlier through the app and we’d exchanged numbers but had agreed not to use our real names for the contacts. Just in case Ryan happened to see or something.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Can you be over around seven?” Emery asked. A low rumbling sounded in the background, as if he was in his car driving too.
“Sure. Just have to locate the key to my chastity belt first.”
He barked out a laugh, and damn if hearing it didn’t jostle that strange feeling in my chest.
“Well, once you have the key, meet me at my place,” Emery said, still with a laugh in his voice. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
“With strawberries and whipped cream all over your naked body?” I asked.
“Is… is that a fantasy of yours?”
“Um. No.” My face heated. “Maybe. I mean, I wouldn’t mind trying it sometime. It’s the summer of sex, remember? And you’re my teacher, oh great one.”
That’s what we’d decided on anyway—no-strings sex to allow me to explore my sexuality. I still couldn’t believe he’d agreed.
“What am I going to do with you?” Emery asked, and I imagined him shaking his head.
“You could start by popping my cherry.”
; His answering sigh cracked me up.
“About tonight,” he said, his tone more serious than before. “Are you sure you want me to be your first?”
“Positive. You backing out on me?”
“No. I just… I want to be sure. Sex can make things complicated, as I’ve said before.”
He was worried I hadn’t thought it through all the way.
“Look,” I responded, turning onto the street and nearing my apartment complex. “I know what I want, and I want you. That’s all there is to it. Stop obsessing.”
“What about after?”
“We’ll figure that out when we get there,” I answered. “We agreed to a fling. No attachments. We can call things off whenever we want.”
“In other words, you want to see how tonight goes before thinking too much into it,” Emery said.
“Yep. We can just take it one day at a time.” I parked and took the keys out of the ignition but remained in my car. “If it sucks, we don’t have to do it again. Simple. Don’t think you’re tied down to me because you’re not.”
I was 99 percent sure it wouldn’t suck, though. Emery just had to look at me to get me going.
“You’re very straightforward,” he said, a smile back in his voice. “I like that. I’ll see you soon.”
“Later.” After pocketing my phone, I took a breath and got out of the car, hoping Mom and Steve weren’t home.
Luck was on my side.
Once in the apartment, I went down the short hallway and unlocked my bedroom door—something I’d started doing to make sure Steve didn’t go through my stuff. I didn’t have a lot of valuables other than my laptop and my TV, but I knew he’d take whatever he could if it meant making a quick buck.
When my phone rang, I half expected it to be Emery again and my stomach got all fluttery. But it was Ryan, and the butterflies fell dead and piled in my gut like a damn anchor.
“Hey, what’s up?” I answered, paranoid he somehow knew I planned to bang his dad later.
“How was your date last night?” Ryan asked.
“Oh. Um.” I held the phone between my ear and shoulder as I ruffled through my clothes and shoved some into a backpack. “It was okay.”
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