Getting the Snip

by Charmaine Ross

  Getting THE SNIP

  Copyright © 2016 by Charmaine Ross

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Published in Australia

  First Published 2016

  www.charmaineross.com

  web: www.charmaineross.com

  twitter https://twitter.com/CharmaineRossAu

  Facebook https://www.facebook.com/charmaine.ross.01

  About the author

  Charmaine’s first foray into romance was as a fourteen year old where she fell hopelessly and eternally in love with her hero as only a teenager can. Instead of watching movies and staying up late, she would go to bed at eight thirty and continue her very romantic, very safe, love affair.

  Since then, she has fallen in love with many heroes, some less safe than what her teenage brain could possibly imagine. After earning a Fine Art’s Degree, a Diploma of Secondary Education and a Diploma of Marketing, she worked as a Graphic Designer in various advertising agencies and as well as in-house marketing roles and is currently involved with digital marketing and everything web in her current position. But she always returns to writing.

  Although she has travelled, she always returns to her home town of Melbourne and lives with her husband, two children and two cats in the ferny-greens of the Dandenongs. If she’s not working on her latest romance and falling in love with yet another hero, you’ll find her reading, watching and basically indulging in her addiction to any story on any media type she can get her fingers on.

  You can find information about her latest releases as well as excerpts on all of her published books here: www.charmaineross.com

  Getting the snip

  Sara dropped into bed with a groan. She peered at the clock on the stand over the inert form of her sleeping husband. Twelve thirty in the morning. She’d just got Jacob off to sleep with the help of Phenergan. It was criminal, but she was exhausted. Having a teething eleven month old baby who was already starting to totter around on his feet with the pure intention of keeping up with his three year old sister all day was beyond exhausting.

  ‘Is the baby asleep?’

  Sara struggled to lift her head up from the pillow, ‘Finally.’

  A warm hand wandered between the sheets and rested on her thigh, ‘You’re still wearing clothes.’

  Sara’s lids closed with a force of their own, ‘Too tired to change.’

  Andy’s hand slid to the waist of her comfortable track-suit pants, tugging them down her hip, ‘Let me help you.’

  Sara pushed his hand away with the last of her strength, ‘Andy, I can’t remember the last time I had a shower. Maybe it was this morning, maybe it was yesterday. I don’t know. I smell of stale breast-milk and I think I have baby puke in my hair. You can’t possibly find me attractive at this point in time. I need sleep. Not special cuddles.’

  ‘Sara, everyone needs special cuddles. It’s invigorating.’

  ‘Well, God gave you two hands and you only need one!’

  There was a pause, ‘Not nearly so nice.’

  Another tug on the waist band made her sigh, ‘Really, Andy. I’m beat and Jacob’s going to wake up in a few hours, then Ellie’s going to wake up after him and that’s going to happen before the lazy-arse roster next door cracks an eye open. God knows why babies feel the need to wake up before the sun. I need my sleep.’ In fact, she was desperate for it. ‘You know, if you got up for the kids tonight, I could sleep in an extra hour or so.’

  ‘I have my presentation in the morning. I really need to be on the ball.’

  The tone in his voice told her he was honestly regretful. He usually did his fair share of the night-time baby-work but Andy’s career was on the upward swing. She knew this meeting was important. Andy had worked hard, a promotion was hinging on it and the big boss from America was Skyping in to see him, as well as the GM in Australia.

  However a certain part of Andy wasn’t worried about the presentation and was still paying attention, even at this late hour. Her brain stuttered — a distant part of her remembered that twelve thirty was just the start of the party. A baby-free, can sleep-in-until-she-naturally-woke-up part of her brain that recalled How Things Used To Be — BC—Before Children.

  Getting up before the rooster required copious amounts of caffeine. Maybe that’s why Jacob was awake all of the time, his cute little blue eyes bright and alert with the help of caffeine-fueled breast milk. The Red Bull of the toddler world. ‘It’s been ages, Sara.’

  It had been ages. So long she’d forgotten the last time they’d shared special cuddles. She remembered that she did like special cuddles with Andy and that it was a good thing, but her body screamed for sleep. And she knew she was exhausted when her body screamed for sleep instead of sex.

  ‘Jacob will be awake all day with this teething. God, I just want that little thing to poke through. Then we’ll all get some sleep.’

  Andy’s hand traveled from the thick elastic waistband of her pants to her breast, kneading and massaging, ‘If you keep doing that, I’ll express and I can’t be bothered changing my breast pad.’

  Andy’s hand flattened out and disappeared back between the sheets. Just as she thought it would. At the mention of anything body fluid related, Andy withdrew into a private world for a little while. He had developed this tendency after witnessing two live births. Plenty of fluid loss during those little adventures.

  ‘A man can only take so much!’

  She remembered echoes of that statement a few years ago when she’d been so desperate to have children. Now the only thing she was desperate for was to disappear to a desert island and left alone with no-one clutching her leg, or her boob, or any other body part for an hour or two. She wanted her body back. She wanted her boobs back. She wanted to simply move without leaking. Maybe it was time to start weaning Jacob, but he seemed to be a breast man, like his dad. She was up for a fight.

  ‘So can a woman. A man has no idea what it’s like to run around after a baby and a toddler all day.’ She really did like special cuddles with Andy, but lately she was just too damned tired to think about anything else other than surviving the day without passing out. ‘Besides, I don’t know if I’ve taken my birth control.’

  ‘I have condoms!’ It was sad how much hope were in those three words.

  ‘Ug. I hate them.’

  ‘But you wouldn’t get pregnant. And we could have special cuddles.’

  Sara paused. She’d been thinking about this for a while but hadn’t had a chance to bring it up. Maybe now, with Andy so antsy, was the perfect time. Nothing like a bit of persuasion to swing an argument. ‘Maybe we should think about something a little more … permanent.’

  She could feel Andy’s frown, ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like something … surgical.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t want to go through anything like that.’

  She paused, choosing her words like a hunter would stealthily choose his location so as not to scare his prey from the intended bullet, ‘I wasn’t thinking about me. I was thinking more along the lines of … you.’

  Andy sat up. Even in the dark she could see a look of pure horror crossing his features. ‘My boys are my best friends, Sara. They’re delicate.’ Huh, that had got his attention.

  ‘And shooting perfect pregnancy missiles. As we finally found out.’

  ‘But it’s so … permanent.’

  ‘I know. But I think… I think I’m finished. Having children. We have the perfect pigeon pair. A little girl and boy. I didn’t know how many kids I wanted, but, you know, two’s enough for me.’

  ‘
You say that now, but what about a year in the future. Or two. Or even five. We might want another child.’

  ‘When you know, you just know. Just like when you know you’ve had enough to drink and the next one is going to tip you over the edge. Imagine living with a life-long hangover from one too many. That’s a headache I don’t want to experience. I’m done. I don’t feel the yearning for a baby I did when we were trying to get pregnant. I’m happy now, Andy. Jacob and Ellie are everything I could want. I don’t have that ache inside of me for another child. Surely you must feel the same?’

  Andy ruffled his hair so that it stuck out in all directions, ‘Hadn’t really given it any thought.’

  ‘Can you give this some thought? Just think we’ll be able to have bucket loads of carefree sex in crazy places without worrying about that pesky birth control.’

  ‘Even in the pantry?’

  Sara paused, ‘You want to have sex in the pantry?’

  ‘I was… just sayin’…’

  ‘Yeah, that peanut butter… such a turn on. Not to mention breakfast cereal… I’m getting all steamy just thinking about it. Must be something to do with oats and wholegrains. Fifty shades got it all wrong. All they needed was a bit of Nutella and imagination. Christian Grey didn’t need to fit out any red room. Just take the party into the kitchen. And don’t get me started on Master Chef …’

  ‘Okay, I was trying to make a point …’

  Sara cocked a brow, ‘That there’s maybe something you haven’t been telling me all these years? A little fetish that’s been unexplored?’

  ‘No! It’s just … these are my boys. They’re highly specialized pieces of equipment. You don’t just go rummaging in those particular parts of a man, tearing cords in half, burning things. What happen to all those sperm when they’ve got nowhere to go?’

  ‘Giving birth wasn’t a walk in the park you know. My parts have been ripped apart beyond repair. I’m never going to be the same down there.’

  ‘You’re a woman, you’re meant to have babies.’

  ‘Believe me, there’s nothing natural about squeezing something the size of a football through the eye of a needle, so let’s not get carried away. All I’m saying is, think about it. It makes more sense for you to do this. If I get anything done, it’s weeks of recovery, you’ll be done in five minutes and up and about in a couple of days. It’ll be a snap.’ Sara clicked her fingers.

  ‘I can’t believe you think getting castrated will be a breeze.’

  ‘You’re not getting castrated. Your beautiful boys will still be there when it’s all done. Think about the money we’ll save with just two kids. The school fees, the university fees, groceries, bills. Carefree sex. Any place. Any time. Just like we used to.’

  ‘We were trying to have babies then,’ Andy said.

  ‘Better to be trying not to have babies and then find out the best laid contraception didn’t go to plan.’

  ‘It’s just so permanent …’

  ‘Better permanent than thinking we’ve finished, then having a surprise baby. Look at how many times that’s happened. People have had to update cars, houses, everything. Their lives have been catapulted into turmoil because of an unplanned birth.’

  ‘That’s just your OCD talking. Having another baby would not be that bad.’

  She was a bit over the top with organizing, she could admit that, but she liked everything to be nice and clean-cut. She liked her life to be orderly. She knew beyond a doubt, besides being so tired and overwhelmed, that her pregnancy days were over. ‘Look, if it happens, we’ll accept it. Of course we will. And that child will be cherished, but if we have a chance to plan our lives, then we should take it.’

  ‘Maybe it is time to retire my boys …’

  Andy didn’t sound too adamant. This was a big step. A massively, mammothly huge step. And one that didn’t need to be made tonight. Besides, Sara was too tired to think about breakfast, let alone Andy’s plums and the plucking they were in for. ‘Let’s get some sleep. Talk about it some more tomorrow.’

  Andy lay down with a sigh, ‘I guess this mean no special cuddles?’

  Sara’s soft snoring answered him.

  * * *

  ‘How’d your meeting go?’ Dave asked. This was the first catch up with their friends in a long time, life and children getting in the way of being social.

  Andy nodded, ‘Good. The boss liked it. The big boss did, too.’

  ‘Good, mate. What does that mean?’ Kieran asked.

  Andy shrugged, sipping his beer, ‘Could mean big things. We’ll have to see. I’ve got other things on my mind, though. Sara wants me to get a vasectomy!’

  Dale peered into the bottom of his half empty beer, swirling the contents in deep thought while Kieran grimaced and rocked on the balls of his feet. Silence penetrated the active conversation that, up until The Announcement, had been lively.

  ‘That’s rough, man,’ Kieran broke the unnatural hush.

  Andy sipped his beer, ‘Yeah. I hadn’t really thought about it before. Contraception, that is. Sara usually is on top of all that sort of thing.’

  ‘I had mine done a year ago,’ Dave said.

  Andy choked on his beer. It took him a moment to recover, ‘You didn’t tell me.’

  ‘Mate, you were having a great time getting pregnant with Jacob. I didn’t want to burst your bubble. It’s the only time sex is on tap like that and talk of a vasectomy is a bit of a downer. Literally ...’

  Andy and Kieran made an agreeing sound.

  ‘So? What’s it like?’ Andy asked, half wanting to hear the answer, half dreading to hear it.

  ‘I decided it was time for me to do something. I felt sorry for Julie. Don’t know if you know, but Alice was a little surprise.’

  Andy watched Julie tussling with little Alice while Sara chatted to her with Jacob balanced on her hip.

  *

  Julie tossed Alice onto her hip as she tried to speak to Sara over flailing little hands, ‘She’s going through a clingy stage. Three kids were enough. I really wasn’t expecting to go through all this again.’ There was a huge difference in ages between Julie’s boys and Alice.

  ‘How are the boys?’ Sara asked, jiggling Jacob who wanted to be on the floor and running around again. She had to hold him so she could talk to Julie.

  ‘Brent’s going to year seven next year. It’s another two years until Alice even gets to kindy.’

  ‘I take it Alice was unplanned?’

  ‘She was a vasectomy baby,’ Julie said with a wince. Sara replied with a grimace.

  *

  Dale grimaced and sipped his beer. He looked at Andy over the rim of his glass, ‘Don’t forget, you have to ejaculate at least twenty times before you have unprotected sex.’

  ‘Twenty times! Sweet!’ Kieran said.

  ‘Don’t think you’re wife’s going to help you out much. Mine said if I ever wanted to have sex again, I had to do half the job myself!’

  ‘That’s rough,’ Andy said. Kieran nodded, silently agreeing.

  Dale swirled the amber fluid in his glass, ‘What was rough was Julie’s missed period.’

  *

  ‘I only twigged when my period was late,’ Julie said.

  Sara adjusted Jacob as he twisted on her hip, ‘How do you have a vasectomy baby? Once it’s cut, its cut. Right? No more sperm.’

  ‘Those little things are bloody strong swimmers, Sara. You want him shooting blanks. No live ammo. Dale’s might have been cut, but he was still cocked and fully loaded.’

  Sara sat their toddlers together, hoping they might play in one spot for a while. ‘How does that work?’

  ‘Apparently there’s sperm all the way down those tubes, even on the other side of the incision. You have to work those ones out before you even think about unprotected sex. The doctor told us twenty times. We waited until twenty one.’

  *

  Dale sighed, ‘Went to the docs. Did a test. Sure enough, I still had swimmers. Doc said it was on ave
rage twenty times. I may have had to give ‘em up thirty times to be totally clear. Said I needed to get confirmation before we had the unprotected sex. It only takes one, and one got us Alice.’

  ‘Is it worth it? The vasectomy, I mean,’ Andy asked.

  ‘It is now. We don’t have to worry about birth control. Thing is, the two of us are so bloody tired with four kids, we have to schedule in sex.’

  ‘I’m hearing you,’ Andy said.

  Dale finished his beer. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I love Alice. Wouldn’t be without her, but if you’ve finished having kids and don’t want a vasectomy baby, get your certificate.’

  *

  Julie whipped Alice’s greedy fingers away from a tub of hommus, ‘A week later, they mailed the certificate to us.’ Alice started to complain when Julie gave her a savoy biscuit. ‘Officially no sperm. But the damage was already done.’

  ‘What about sex? Not having to worry about birth control must be a good thing,’ Sara said.

  ‘That’s the good news. I don’t have to worry about taking the pill every day. Besides, I forgot it most times and my bloody period would be all over the place anyway. That’s how I knew I was pregnant. I’d forgotten to take the pill, but didn’t worry because Dale had been neutered, but I still missed my period.’ Julie waggled a finger at Sara, ‘My advice? Get the certificate before you trust.’

  *

  Dale put his hand in his pocket as he watched Julie deftly handle Alice, ‘Sometimes things can go wrong. That’s what they told me anyway. I thought it was all part of the process, you know, the pros and cons and then they tell you not to worry, the chance of that happening is very low. But it wasn’t too much of a long shot. Heard of anything called, and this is the official term mind you, sperm granuloma?’

  ‘I take it that’s not a breakfast cereal,’ Andy commented.

  Dale grunted. ‘Blue-balls, in your language, mate. My plums had taken some abuse and I thought that them going black was all part of the deal.’