Getting the Snip

by Charmaine Ross

Andy placed his hand protectively over his groin. Kieran went white.

  ‘It’s a massive traffic jam of sperm behind the incision. You see, the doc said the sperm naturally go back into the tissue when there’s no way out. But sometimes they don’t. I ended up with a serious case of black-nuts before the doc put me on steroids to reduce the swelling.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound like fun,’ Andy said. ‘I really don’t think this is a good idea.’

  ‘Ever want to have sex with your wife again?’ Dale’s brows rose.

  *

  Julie chewed on a slice of celery dipped in the hommus, ‘I told him if he ever wanted to have natural sex again, he’d come to the party and I’m not talking about this party. I was sick of taking birth control, putting on weight because of the pill. I told him it was his turn for a little discomfort. After all, I’ve had four kids, a little nick in the dick is really nothing in comparison.’

  Sara snorted, ‘I agree wholeheartedly. Andy told me last week that giving birth was natural.’

  ‘Just about as natural as an egg giving birth to a chicken if you ask me. Women might be able to get pregnant, but if there was a choice to it and men did their fair share in the bargain, then the human race would have died out a long time ago.’

  Sara licked her lips, pausing for a moment, ‘I know this is personal, Julie.’

  ‘Oh, fire away. I’ve had children, nothing’s sacred anymore!’

  Sara took Jacob’s hand as they tottered towards the men. ‘Did you notice anything … different after Dale’s vasectomy? You know … sex wise?’

  *

  ‘What about sex? Any different?’ Kieran asked.

  Dave peered into his empty beer, ‘She did promise sex on tap, but I think that was just a ruse, although she once said to me it was less salty.’

  Andy spat up his beer while Kieran looked for a hole in the floor. Sara coughed as she approached, trying to ignore the beetroot blush creeping up Julie’s face. ‘Andy, any idea where Ellie is? Jacob’s been a handful this afternoon and I lost track of her.’

  Andy grimaced, looking about to see Ellie sitting at the bench with cake smeared all over her hands, face and clothes, and five half-eaten cupcakes crumbled over the bench in front of her.

  ‘I think two kids will do us just fine!’ Sara smiled.

  * * *

  ‘Mr and Mrs Smith, Dr Breaduke will see you now.’

  Sara gathered Jacob while Andy plucked Ellie from the playroom. Sara couldn’t help but notice the other women in the waiting area. Some with rounded bellies, fingers splayed over their precious mounds, while slim-waisted women looked at her with utter longing in their eyes. Sara sent them a silent prayer, knowing exactly how they felt.

  Soon, she wanted to say, soon it will be you. Just have patience, but she knew how hollow those words were. They’d seemed the same to her when she was in their position. Now she smiled politely at them and followed the nurse down the hallway to Dr Breaduke’s office.

  His familiar face smiled as they settled into his comfortable chairs on the opposite side of the desk. ‘Sara. Andy. Great to see you again - and I see I was able to help you after all!’

  Sara easily returned his smile. He was genuinely happy to see the progress of their family. ‘Great to see you, too, doctor.’

  His glance slid from Sara to Andy, ‘And how can I help you today?’

  Andy shifted on the chair, crossing his legs and re-crossing them again, ‘It’s about me.’

  ‘There was a little trouble with trying too hard, if I remember correctly?’

  ‘Trying is the operative word. We don’t actually have a lot of time for that sort of thing any more,’ Andy said, sending Sara a withering glance.

  ‘Well, you have young children now. That’s a natural part of the experience,’ Dr Breaduke said.

  ‘We actually don’t want to try any more,’ Sara said.

  ‘Ah. You’re looking for a solution, then.’ Dr Breaduke settled back against the chair peering at Andy over the rims of his glasses, ‘I take it that it’s your turn, Andy?’

  ‘I guess,’ Andy cleared his throat after the words came out in a particular high squeak, ‘I mean, I’m easier, aren’t I, doc?’

  ‘Well, any permanent method of contraception is generally easier for men than women. The male parts are external and easier to get to and the surgery only takes twenty minutes or so. You can be done and home in a couple of hours. No problem.’

  ‘Maybe for you,’ Andy grumbled.

  Dr Breaduke chuckled, ‘I help hundreds of men a year with their vasectomy, there’s no need to worry. The main question I want to ask you is, are you both sure you’re ready for this. You’re both relatively young. I have to ask this question. Do you want any more children?’

  ‘My uterus wants to jump out of my body and run headlong into traffic at the mere thought of more children,’ Sara’s tone was flat as she deftly manhandled Jacob away from her boob. She handed the baby to Andy, protecting her front with a squirming Ellie.

  Andy nodded, jiggling Jacob on his lap, ‘We’re grateful for the kids we have, doc.’

  ‘Well, then, it seems like your solution is a vasectomy.’

  They spent the next twenty minutes listening to Dr Breaduke talk about the procedure. ‘And that’s about it.’

  ‘You make it sound so easy, doc.’ Andy had his hands cupped over his groin.

  Dr Breaduke chuckled, ‘It is easy when you’re on my side of the scalpel. Here’s a brochure about the procedure and websites where you can do some further reading. If you need to speak to me about any more details, just phone. There’s no need to be nervous, Andy, but if you find your nerves are getting the best of you on the day, I’ll write you a prescription for Vicodin. Just see the receptionist on the way out and you can book in a date.’

  ‘Thank you, doctor.’ They shook hands over wriggling babies that wanted freedom. Sara booked a date as soon as they reached the receptionist. They were set.

  * * *

  The thrashing beside her woke Sara out of a pleasurable dream of a spa pedicure. She’d just chosen a particular shade of bright red where she’d need to sit and let it dry for twenty minutes. And had the time to do it.

  She wiped the drool from her moth as she turned the bed-side lamp on to see Andy twisted in up in the doona. She shook his shoulder, ‘Andy. Wake up. You’re having a nightmare!’

  Andy woke with a jolt, a silent scream on his lips. His body shuddered as he took a moment to realise where he was. He flopped back onto the pillow with a sigh, ‘It was only a dream.’

  ‘Some dream. What was it about?’

  Andy glanced at Sara, still clearly shaken, ‘It’s nothing.’

  ‘It’s clearly not nothing. You’re sweating all over. The sheets are saturated! You’ve obviously got something on your mind and you need to get it out.’

  Andy rested his arm over his forehead and closed his eyes a moment, ‘Scissors. Giant scissors.’

  Sara pursed her lips, considering him for a moment, ‘Is this about your vasectomy?’

  ‘It’s coming up close.’

  ‘It’s next week. Still a few days away,’ Sara said.

  ‘It’s still coming up.’

  Sara glanced under the doona, ‘And so are you.’

  Andy pulled the doona over his lap, ‘I understand what you went through when you had babies. I’m not taking that away from you, but this is a big thing for me, Sara. These are my boys. There’s just something about being chopped in the manly parts that does something to a man.’

  ‘It’s going to take balls, that’s for sure,’ Sara said.

  ‘You’re not helping!’

  ‘You’d be nuts not to give it a go.’

  ‘Sara…’

  ‘You’ll love Christmas. We’ll use you for the Christmas Tree. In built ornamental balls.’

  ‘Enough of the cheap shots.’

  ‘A girls gotta have some fun, but I’ll be serious. The doctor said it was a small incision
and twenty minutes later you’re done and dusted. A couple of days after that, back to normal.’

  ‘I know what the doctor said, but I’ve been doing research. Things can go wrong, Sara. Very wrong. I don’t want to end up with black balls the size of a grapefruit and that can happen! Do you know how painful that would be? I’ll tell you. Extremely! That’s how much!’

  ‘If you can survive the cat scratching incident, you can survive anything. You’re tough, Andy. A lot tougher than you give yourself credit for.’

  Andy sat up straighter, ‘What if … what if we change our minds. Not tomorrow or even next year. What if in five years’ time we change our mind. Jacob and Ellie will be at school. Things will be different. Maybe we’ll want to try for another baby.’

  ‘Andy, in five years’ time, I’ll be forty. Statistically that’s the start of the danger period for a high risk pregnancy. Down Syndrome. All sorts of things. Besides, I want to get back to my career. Andy, I’m desperate to think about things other than changing nappies and feed times. I really don’t think in five years’ time, I’ll be rethinking a baby.’

  ‘Yes, but … how do you know for sure? How do we know for sure?’

  Sara fidgeted with the edge of the doona. She knew what Andy was saying. The reversibility of a vasectomy was relatively low. And it was a permanent thing for Andy. She knew she was ready to take a permanent step, but what if something happened to her and Andy was on his own again? She knew she didn’t want any more babies, but Andy wasn’t as sure as she was. Was doing this going to stop Andy if he found another wife? For a man, he was still young. If he married another woman who was young, some bouncy twenty-year old with perky ovaries, he still might want more children.

  A stab of jealousy reared through her. The realization didn’t bear thinking about. If he left her for another woman, she’d have his balls served up on a platter, but did she have the right to offer those same balls up for his possible future.

  A future without her?

  Finally Sara looked over at her husband. The man she’d fallen hopelessly head-over-heels in love with eight years ago. Her love had changed over the years from that overwhelming need to touch and just physically be with each other to something more content, a way of life that brought her joy every day. Was this what she should be asking of him? The answer remained illusively just out of reach. All of those times she thought she’d been right wanting him to get this done, what if, just maybe, it was the wrong thing to ask of him?

  ‘I don’t know, Andy. I just don’t know.’

  * * *

  Sara pushed around the Vicodin in her palm with her thumb. The innocuous white tablets didn’t hold the answer to her problem. In fact, they offered nothing to her at all. She only knew the day had arrived and she still hadn’t found the answer she’d been seeking for a week.

  They were all set to go. Her parents were here to babysit. The kids had been settled as much as they were going to settle for the moment. Jacob was having a nap and Ellie was taking a break watching The Fairies on television.

  Andy sat in the corner of the couch, leg jiggling, one hand subconsciously held protectively over his groin, biting a nail as he watched The Fairies with his daughter. A pang zapped through Sara’s stomach. What if Andy was right and five years from now she’d look back and miss all this. She’d never experience the joy of having a baby peacefully sleeping in the house, and a three year old daughter dancing in front of the television, or Andy sitting watching their daughter dance again.

  The kids would grow older and they wouldn’t do the things they were doing now. But if Andy had his vasectomy today, they would take away their chance to have a choice.

  Sara’s dad, Bob, slapped her on the shoulder. She clenched her fingers around the pills when they nearly tumbled onto the floor along with her resolutions. ‘Looks like Andy’s ready to go, Sara. Don’t want to keep the good doctor waiting.’

  Bob smiled, a devilish light entering his eyes as he glanced over at Andy. Although Dad loved his grandkids, she also knew he harbored a manly grudge against Andy for taking away his daughter from him. They’d been close, Sara and her Dad, the two of them and had often spent the weekend indulging their love of sports. Now with the kids, her time of late was so thin, she couldn’t even remember when they’d last watched a game together.

  In her father’s eyes, this was his way of getting Andy, quite literally, by the balls.

  ‘Don’t look so worried, Sara. Your father went through all of this after your brother was born. Best thing he ever did.’ Mum sat on the corner of the couch and patted Andy on the shoulder.

  Andy shot a glance at Bob, ‘You had a vasectomy?’

  Bob punched out his chest, parading out of the kitchen and over to the lounge, ‘Yep, finest manly thing I ever did. Got to take responsibility some time in your life and this is one of those times. Best thing I ever did, wasn’t it Caroline?’

  ‘Only if you’re ready,’ Caroline said.

  Bob pinned Andy with a stare he couldn’t shake free. ‘Oh, he’s ready alright. I watched my little girl go through two pregnancies. That’s enough for any woman. Especially my daughter. You have the perfect pair. A little girl. A little boy, whose gunna take right after his grandfather. No need to be overrun by rug rats. My Little Girl has done her part.’

  ‘Bob. That’s quite enough. Andy’s set for a big day already. He doesn’t need anything else on his mind like your rubbish.’

  Bob placed his hand on Andy’s shoulder, giving it a hefty squeeze. ‘I’m only trying to put it in perspective for him. There’s no gain without the pain. Listen, Andy, it’s not going to be pretty. Your nuts are going to hurt, in fact, you likely won’t be able to walk for a week, but you just have to suck it up my boy. There’s no sugar coating a vasectomy. Hanging the boys out to dry is Good Family Planning. Don’t worry that you won’t be a complete man any more. There’s nothing embarrassing about shooting blanks. Don’t think about the slicing, the dicing, the bruising, the agony. You can take it. You’re the man of the family and a little pain goes a long way. Just think of it as part and parcel of fatherhood.’

  Sara handed Andy the Vicodin. Andy reached for the tablets with a shaking hand. Sara noticed he’d gone a transparent shade of pale. His features had stretched tight across his face, and that stiffness had carried into his shoulders and down his body. He swallowed the pills, trying to blink the fear from his eyes, ‘How many of these things can I have?’

  Sara looked at her empty palm, ‘Have you already taken some?’

  ‘I had two before. But they weren’t doing anything, so I thought maybe two more …’

  ‘Andy, that’s too much!’

  ‘Well, let’s get him to the car while he can still walk. Those Vicodin are pretty strong. There’ll probably be someone at the surgery to help you out of the car if you can’t do it yourself,’ Bob said. ‘If you have to, just give me a call, Sara. I’ll make sure he gets on the table.’

  Sara took Andy’s hand, helping him up from the couch. He didn’t seem to have the capacity to even stand, let alone get himself to the car. The term ‘scared stiff’ came to mind, then he gazed at her and took a deep breath, ‘I’m ready. Let’s go.’ And with that handful of words they were on their way.

  Sara tapped the steering wheel as they stopped at a set of lights, ‘Do you really think this is the right thing to do? I mean, if you want out Andy, I’ll understand. It might not be the best thing for you to do, or even the best timing for us. What do you think?’

  Andy’s phone rang. He glanced at the number, ‘I have to take this call. Hello Mr Blake…Two hour window….At the airport…No worries…See you then.’

  Sara glanced sideways at Andy, ‘Are you serious? You can’t meet with your boss now. You’re on your way to a vasectomy for crying out loud!’

  Andy slumped against the window, turning glazed eyes on her, ‘I feel great! You know, I could do anything. Climb Everest. Run a marathon. I reckon I could dig all the way to China
if I wanted. This’ll be a breeze. He stopped in at Melbourne especially to see me before flying out back to America. It’s my only chance, if I don’t meet him now, I’ve blown it. I can’t let him down.’

  Sara frowned, ‘Did you hear anything I said, Andy?’

  ‘Your Dad sure had plenty to say. You know, I think he doesn’t like me very much.’

  ‘I’m not talking about my father. I’m talking about Mr Blake.’

  ‘Sara, I’ve worked too hard not to see this through. I’ll be fine. I can do this. I have to do this!’

  She understood, she really did. He’d worked hard, put in the hours and now it was starting to pay off. But Andy sounded like he’d drunk a bottle of tequila. By himself. There’d be no getting through to him now he had his sights set on this meeting. Just … why did it have to be today?

  ‘This isn’t the right time. You’re high, Andy!’

  ‘I’ll pull it off.’

  ‘Tell him you’re having a vasectomy!’

  ‘No way! I’m a professional man, Sar. Men don’t go around telling other men they’ve just had the snip. I’m just going to suck it up and do it. Besides, it’ll be a big tick in your Dad’s book.’

  ‘Dad does like you Andy.’

  ‘Then why did he seem so cross about me getting you preggas.’

  ‘I don’t think pregnancy was the issue. I think he didn’t like the thought of how we got pregnant.’

  ‘Oh. He doesn’t like the fact we have special cuddles. I like special cuddles with you, Sara. You turn me so on, I could be up standing at attention all day. Sometimes I do. I just don’t tell you. Anytime you want some, you just let me know. I’m your man. Prepared. That’s me … You like it, too, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I like it! That’s a stupid question.’ Sara turned the corner that would take them into the parking lot of the day surgery. Sara pulled into a parking space and cut the engine chewing her lip, ‘Would you like to do it with anyone else? You know, have sex with anyone else?’

  She was taking advantage of the drugs, but Andy was on a roll. If there ever was a time for find the answer to her question, this was it. Besides, he wouldn’t remember a thing. She hoped. ‘Waddaya mean, honeybuns? You wann special cuddles now? Get in quick, while it lasts. No telling what’ll happen after the snip.’ Andy snipped his fingers like scissors and chuckled a little at his own joke.