Dirty Bastard

by Jessica Clare

  I might lose everything tonight. All because I was stupidly mad about how he was trying to push his way into my life. He was being protective and I acted like a jerk. What if he’s glad that I’m going to miscarry and he can part ways with me? What am I going to do? Somehow picking myself up and starting over doesn’t have the appeal it did five hours ago. Actually, I don’t know that it was appealing five hours ago, either, but I was too stubborn to admit it to myself. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I liked being with Knox. I liked the way we were together. For the first time in a long time, I was happy and not holding in knots of stress.

  I love him and the thought terrifies me, because what if he doesn’t love me enough if there’s no baby?

  I sit in my paper gown, a towel underneath my thighs, waiting for the doctor to come in. This is stupid, I tell myself. Can they even do anything if I’m miscarrying other than pat me on the head and tell me to take some aspirin? Should I leave or wait to hear from the doctor? As the minutes tick past, I hear people crying and arguing on the other sides of the thin walls. There’s all kinds of emergencies here tonight, and it might be a bit before they get to me.

  They’ve already been treating me like I’m a pain in the ass because I have to keep reminding people not to use latex gloves around me. It just makes me feel even worse, like I’m bothering them with my bleeding. I can’t help but feel like all of this is my fault somehow.

  And even though I’ve been fighting my panic, I can’t help it. I start to cry. I’m overwhelmed and scared and really, really lonely. I wish Knox was here. I wish I hadn’t freaked out. I wish we had talked through what he did instead of me losing my shit and yelling at him and then running away. He’s right—I do always run away. Now what if my stubbornness destroys everything? I don’t know what I’ll do.

  I pick up my purse and pull out my phone. If Knox loves me like he says he does . . . maybe he won’t be too unhappy with me. Maybe we can talk things through. Maybe he won’t hate me if the baby dies. Of course, the thought of that just makes me cry harder, even as I dial.

  Knox picks up on the first ring. “No text message?” His voice is a smooth drawl, his tone neutral. He’s trying to figure out why I’m calling. He’s wary. He probably thinks I’m angry over something else and getting ready to light into him. Like all this other silly stuff matters. Keith, keeping people at arm’s length, and arguing over where we live all seems like stupid, pointless stuff now.

  I just want him here.

  I sniffle and suck in a steeling breath before I speak. “Hey, Knox.” My voice isn’t quite as brave as I want it to sound. In fact, it’s pretty wobbly.

  It’s real quiet on the other end of the phone. “Lexi? What’s wrong, sweetheart? Are you okay?” There’s real fear in his voice.

  Just that little “sweetheart” is enough to make me start crying all over again. “Not okay . . . doctor’s office . . . baby . . . bleeding . . . pulled over on way to Houston . . .” I can only squeeze out a few words at a time before my throat closes up again. “I’m scared,” I manage between choking gasps. “Can you come and . . . stay with me?”

  “Of course.” His voice is soothing and wonderful. “Tell me what you need, baby. I’ll bring it to you.”

  “I think I really need my doctor,” I tell him in a wobbling voice, and manage a sorry laugh. “They’re too busy here for me.”

  “You don’t worry about that, sweetheart. I’ll handle everything. Now tell me where you’re at.”

  I look around the little room I’m waiting in, but I don’t see anything that tells me a name. It’s a chain, and that’s all I know. “Um. I’m not entirely sure. Somewhere about an hour outside of Houston.” I cringe at how useless I am, but I was so scattered when getting here that I didn’t bother to write down the name of the street or the exit or anything. I start to cry again.

  “Lexi,” Knox says in that smooth, calm voice. “It’s gonna be all right, baby. I need you to go to the Find my iPhone app and it’ll give you the info to where you’re at. Text that to me, all right? I’m on my way.”

  “Okay,” I say in a small voice. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. You’re my girl. I’d do anything for you,” he says fiercely. “And now I’m going to come and take care of you, okay?”

  I hiccup something that sounds like agreement.

  “Send me that info. I love you and I’m on my way.”

  I hang up, do as he says, and then clutch my phone to my chest. It’ll take him a few hours to drive here. I’m okay, I tell myself. I’ve got this. Knox is on his way. For some reason, just knowing that makes me feel less alone.

  * * *

  * * *

  The doctors come in and out, and one lady gives me a pelvic exam before the nurse comes in to take blood again and hurries away. No one tells me anything, so I just clutch my phone and hope that Knox gets here soon.

  I’m staring at the CHOKING/AHOGO poster and reading the steps for the millionth time when a low thudthudthudthud begins to drum somewhere in the distance. I can’t tell what the heck it is, and I watch the door, wondering if someone’s about to come in. Voices start arguing and grow louder and louder.

  To my surprise, the door bangs open in my room, and Knox comes flying in, one of the nurses racing right behind him. I sit up, shocked. “Knox!” I’m stunned—and so happy to see him that I burst into tears again.

  “I’m here, sweetheart,” he tells me, moving around the nurse and coming to my side. He sits next to me and takes my hand, a look of concern on his face. “I’m here and everything’s going to be okay. Don’t cry.”

  “Easy for you to say,” I weep, and when someone enters the room behind him, I’m surprised to see it’s my obstetrician. “What . . .”

  “I swung the chopper by his office to see if I could persuade him to come with me.” Knox squeezes my hand. “I hope that’s okay.”

  Okay? It’s wonderful. I sniffle and nod as Dr. Kwan moves forward, pulling a pair of gloves out of his pocket and smiling at me. “No latex for Miss Lexi, right?”

  Immediately my agitation goes down a notch. He remembers. “That’s right.” I hold on to Knox’s hand tightly. “Can Knox stay?”

  “I don’t think we’ll be able to move him,” the nurse says drily at the door.

  “If there’s a problem, I’ll pay whatever fines ya need.” Knox doesn’t look away from me, his expression calm as he strokes my hand. “But I ain’t leavin’ my girl.”

  The nurse just rolls her eyes. “I’m going to go get the doctor so he can talk with yours.”

  Dr. Kwan waits for the door to shut and then pats the edge of the table I’m lying on. “Feet up here, Lexi, so we can do a quick pelvic exam and see what’s going on.”

  Chapter 20

  Knox

  Nothing’s as fucking scary as seeing my gorgeous, funny Lexi pale and quiet on a doctor’s table. Her eyes are red from crying and she just holds my hand tightly as the doctor examines her. I know she’s mad at me for what I did earlier, but I’m just so fuckin’ relieved I can be here for her now. Anything she wants, I’ll do it. Anything she needs, I’ll get it for her. I just never want to see her cry again. I can take anything but her tears. She can hate me and cuss at me and call me names . . . as long as she doesn’t cry.

  I’m just so fucking glad she called me. That she turned to me when she was hurting and scared. It tells me I’ve still got a chance with her. Of course, I’d give it all up to change the fact that she’s up on that table, but at least I can be here for her.

  For once, I ain’t in the mood for my usual tricks. There’s plenty of tools and such that are within reach and ready to take. It’d be nothin’ to switch out some of the equipment and see how long it takes for them to notice, but this ain’t fuckin’ funny. I just want Lexi to get better and leave this place. It can all stay as far as I’m concerned. I just want Lexi to get th
e best treatment possible, and I’m not lettin’ go of her hand until then.

  The doctor finishes his exam and purses his lips. “Well, everything seems all right from this end, but I’ll see if they’ll let me use the ultrasound so we can get a heartbeat, and I’ll check in on your bloodwork.”

  “Thank you, Doctor,” Lexi murmurs, her hand tight in mine.

  Dr. Kwan heads out and then it’s just me and my girl.

  She looks over at me again, her big dark eyes sad. “I’m sorry I dragged you out here. I was freaking out. I needed . . . someone at my side.” She bites her lip and then shakes her head. “No, I’m doing it again.”

  “Doin’ what?” I ask, curious.

  “Keeping you at arm’s length. You were right about that.” She squeezes my hand again tightly, her hand gripping mine so fiercely our palms are sweating, but I’m not going to let her go. Never. “I do it without thinking, I guess. And I needed someone at my side, but I wanted you. I didn’t want anyone else. Shit, it’s hard for me to say that aloud.” She frowns, almost as if she’s mad at herself, and then glances over at me. “I’m not very good at this.”

  “I think you’re doin’ just fine,” I reassure her, stroking her arm with my free hand.

  “I hate that you were right, because it means I’m the asshole.” She sighs and lays her head back against the paper covering the examination table. “I know I overreacted, it’s just that . . . Keith has been a problem for me for so long that I’m sensitive about what people know in regards to him. I’ve always felt like it’s my fault that he won’t fuck off. It embarrassed me that you stepped in, and I freaked out. I don’t think you’re controlling at all, and I want you to know that.”

  I know it’s takin’ her a lot to confess this. I can tell just by the pinched look on her face as she speaks, and it makes me feel good that she’s tryin’. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from her. “Sweetheart, I overstepped. I realize that now. I should have said something to you first. It was just that the moment I heard he was botherin’ you, I thought, here’s something I can do to take care of Lexi and my baby. That’s all I wanted to do. Wasn’t to try and control you or make you feel like I’m chokin’ you. I just wanted to help.” I pause, then add, “And okay, I wanted to punch that smug bastard in the face, but I didn’t get the chance.”

  She chuckles a little. “He is a dick, isn’t he?” She sighs. “I’m so sorry I freaked out on you. I just worry that something bad is going to happen and then everything that’s good in my life is going to disappear.”

  “Like the baby?”

  Lexi looks over at me, all vulnerable and so pretty it makes me ache. “Like you.” Her mouth trembles a little. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose you and the baby both.”

  “You won’t ever lose me,” I tell her fiercely. I want to crawl up on that table and hold her close, but I’m scared of injuring her or the baby even more, so I just lean in and rub my knuckles along her jaw. “I will always be there for you, even if you hate me. I love you. Baby or not, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love you and I want to be the one you lean on.”

  Her mouth trembles again. “I’m so tired of being alone and scared, Knox. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

  “You shouldn’t have to do it,” I tell her fiercely. “It’s okay to lean on someone else, sweetheart. That’s why I’m here. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can just be your wonderful, weird self and let me help out when it gets to be too much for you. I don’t want to change a thing about you. I just want to be at your side, supporting you in whatever you wanna do.”

  She licks her lips and gives me another shiny-eyed, halfhearted smile. “I think you’re the best guy I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry I called you a bastard. You know I didn’t mean it like that. If I could take it back, I would.”

  Now I’m the one gettin’ all emotional. “I know you didn’t, Lexi. Ain’t no reason to apologize—”

  “Yes, it is.” She lifts my hand to her mouth and kisses my knuckles, and I swear to god my heart’s gonna explode with how fiercely protective I feel of her in this moment. “I should have thought about why it hurt you. And why you keep proposing marriage. It bothered you growing up that your parents weren’t married, and you want to stop our baby from feeling the way you did. Sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake, but I get it now.”

  “It ain’t just the baby,” I correct her as she lowers our linked hands. I trace my fingers up and down the veins on her pale, pale skin. Just wanna touch her, mostly. “The moment I met you, I knew you were the one for me. Thought it might be a little early to confess my instant love for you, though, so I’ve held off. But the way I feel about you ain’t gonna change whether there’s one baby, no babies, or thirty babies.”

  “Thirty babies? My uterus hurts already,” she says, a lighter note in her voice. Her eyes are soft as she gazes at me. “Though I will be really, really sad if there’s no baby now.”

  “Me too,” I admit, and there’s a knot in my throat. “But we’ll get through it together.”

  She squeezes my hand again gently. “I think you’re the best guy ever, Knox,” she whispers. “Even if you’re a youngster.”

  I snort. “Five years doesn’t make me a youngster. It just means I have more time to keep up with you when you hit your sexual peak.”

  “This is true. I should have been cradle-robbing this entire time.” Her words are playful, but her hand’s still tight in mine, her voice still a little wobbly. She’s tryin’ real hard to be strong through all this, and it makes me want to squeeze her to my chest and stroke her hair and make everythin’ all right for her.

  “I’m gonna take care of you, baby,” I tell her again. “Let me take care of you. Let me love you. If things become hard, let’s talk about it instead of running away, okay? Whatever we do, we do this together. If you want to raise our kid in Natalie’s guesthouse, we can do that. If you want him to live in my trailer, we can do that. We can move to Houston if you want, or back to Luka. I don’t fuckin’ care. Let’s just make sure we do it together, all right?”

  She nods and opens her mouth to speak, but a knock at the door stops her. The doctor enters a moment later, along with a woman who, I assume, was the original attending physician. They bring in a cart of equipment, and someone squirts some clear goo on her stomach for the ultrasound. I’m in the way, so I have to let go of her hand and move to the far end of the room, but I don’t leave. Fuck that. I ain’t leavin’ her side ever again.

  The doctor runs the wand over her stomach and then pauses, glancing up at the monitor on the cart. He nods slowly. “Good heartbeat.” Dr. Kwan smiles at my Lexi. “It looks like everything seems to be all right with your bloodwork. Your HCG blood tests look great, and the heartbeat seems strong here.”

  Lexi looks across the room to me, eyes wide with relief. I smile at her and give a thumbs-up. I can’t wait to shower her face with kisses. I’m ecstatic that the baby’s fine, but more than anything, I’m happy that Lexi’s all right.

  “It looks like your bleeding’s already slowed, which is another good sign,” Dr. Kwan continues. “We’ll do a follow-up in the office next week as long as everything seems to be all right, but if you have any trouble, you come back in to me immediately.”

  Lexi nods. “What could have caused bleeding, do you know?”

  He shrugs and doesn’t seem all that concerned, which makes me relax. “It’s normal to have bleeding in the first trimester of a pregnancy. Any number of things, really. You don’t have a urinary tract infection, so I’m going to guess that you had some sort of vigorous exercise that might have irritated tissues.”

  “Vigorous exercise?” I echo, unable to stay silent. What the hell’s he talkin’ about? “You mean yoga?”

  “Not unless she’s doing yoga with her uterus,” Dr. Kwan says, and Lexi looks as if she’s fighting ba
ck a howl of laughter. I can feel my face flushing with embarrassment. Guess that was a dumb question. “What I’m saying,” the doctor continues, “is that you might want to tone it down in bed. No sex until her next appointment, and we’ll see how things are from then.”

  I pull off my cap and rub my hand through my hair, feeling a little sheepish. Rough sex did that? I didn’t think we were that rough, but then again, Lexi’s never been one to hold back in bed and neither have I. I think of how many times I bent her flexible body as far as it’d go and pounded into her and feel guilty. “Damn.”

  “Damn?” Lexi asks, amused. “Damn that we can’t have sex for a week?”

  “Damn that we were that rough,” I correct, and now my ears feel as red as my face.

  “I guess the whips and chains were a bit too much,” she says drily, back to bein’ my sly Lexi all over again.

  “She’s lyin’, Doctor,” I say.

  “I guessed,” Dr. Kwan replies.

  “He’s right,” Lexi continues. “Whips and chains are never too much.”

  Chapter 21

  Knox

  I take Lexi home after that. Her car’s still at the urgent care, but I’ll send my assistants over at Price Brothers Oil to go and retrieve it tomorrow for my girl. I’m not lettin’ her out of my sight tonight, and she doesn’t seem to mind that. The chopper pilot helps me secure Lexi in her seat, and all my girl says is, “I can’t believe you really flew a chopper here.”

  Of course I did. Borrowed Boone’s the moment I heard she needed me. Fastest way to get somewhere.

  We drop the doctor off, and then the pilot lands back at Boone’s helipad and I drive us back to Lexi’s little cottage. She’s awful quiet, but she’s had a rough night. Hell, we both have. Still, she’s allowed to be a little thoughtful. I don’t push her to talk to me. Plenty of time for that.