Azaria

by J. H. Hayes

  Azaria thought it was a wonderful idea. But she felt guilty leaving him alone. And then an idea occurred to her, one she liked even more. "I have an even better idea. Do you like figs?" she asked.

  "I love figs! How did you know?" he responded.

  "Me too. I saw a patch of fig trees to the north when we were hunting. I wanted to stop and get some, but we were in the thick of it and I couldn't break away. A run will do me good. I'll be back before you know it."

  "That sounds wonderful, Azaria. I think I know the patch of ficus trees you're speaking of. Take however long you need," the master carver said.

  With Aiyana's consent and special permission to be off by herself for a while, Azaria's spirit returned. She had trouble finding the grove at first and the trip took longer than she'd hoped. Upon her return she dropped by her tent just long enough to steal some figs away and then left the rest of the basket by Dholuhn's worksite inside the main Temple. As she approached the gathering area she saw Daneel eating with Yumineh and some of the other girls who had laughed at her earlier. Resolving not to let Yumineh know her comments had affected her, she made her way for them.

  Yumineh saw her approaching and waited until she was close. "Oh there she is," she called. "Fahim's favorite gets to stroll around doing whatever she wants, while the rest of us slave away."

  Azaria stopped and glared at her, determined to keep her composure while the other girls burst into snickers. She noticed Daneel didn’t join them, keeping her head down instead. Azaria passed and made for Aiyana, who was sitting by herself, happily enjoying her meal. At least Daneel didn't laugh too, she told herself. She must feel bad about this morning.

  That night at the evening meal she rushed through her plate and made for their tent, before Daneel had arrived. She skipped her normal cleaning routine and made straight for her furs, wishing to avoid any uncomfortable interaction with her tentmate, but also hoping Daneel would apologize, or at least try to smooth things over.

  Daneel caught a glimpse of Azaria hurrying off when she entered the gathering area. She's trying to avoid me. Can I blame her? I was truly horrifying this morning. She must hate me. Ashamed of herself and wishing to give her friend space, Daneel lingered out late with the other girls before finally creeping in, well after the sun had set. When she entered, she stood for a long moment in the dim light, staring at Azaria's still form, hoping she would say something, or at least turn over and grunt to let her know she was still up. Anything. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to throw her arms around her old friend's neck as she had so often before. But she didn't blame Azaria for not wanting to talk to her. As quietly as possible, she slipped out of her tunic and into her furs, right beside her best friend - or at least she hoped she still was. She was so close to her, she could hear Azaria's heart beating and couldn't help but wonder if she'd broken it that morning. But Azaria might as well have been on the other side of the Great Western Sea, where the Ta'ar's great beasts still roamed. That was how far she felt from her now. That night they cried together, but apart - distant, silent tears. Azaria was unwilling to let Daneel know how badly she'd hurt her. She was sure she'd not meant to laugh at her. It was Yumineh that brought out the worst - and this horrible place. Daneel was afraid to wake her best friend - and afraid of her rejection if she did.

  Little changed over the next suns. Yumineh let no opportunity pass without a cutting remark directed Azaria's way. She was gathering quite a following of girls, enraptured by her smart remarks about the Bird-Runner, who they agreed was unfairly receiving preferential treatment. Yumineh had never been so popular in her life and devoured the attention hungrily. Azaria couldn't help but notice Daneel's growing discomfort. She either turned away or looked down at each remark, never able to meet Azaria eye-to-eye. At least she isn't laughing with them, Azaria told herself, but I remember when she would stick up for me against anybody, no matter what. What's happening to her?

  Daneel and Azaria continued to avoid each other. After the first night, Azaria took to taking long walks after the evening meal. She wanted to give Daneel the opportunity to get to the furs first. Daneel tended to sleep more than her anyway, and Azaria knew she was exhausted at the end of each sun. Azaria slept little those nights and woke early, avoiding any awkward interactions with Daneel. She despaired at the friction in their relationship. The toll of the divide - along with the lack of sleep - affected her mood and her performance in her duties. But as bad as she felt, she knew Daneel had it worse and she refused to complain to anyone about her troubles.

  Azaria longed for a way to break the ice and create some kind of opportunity for the two to at least talk. She was rummaging through her things, hoping for some inspiration to create such an occasion, when she uncovered the figs she’d gathered earlier. A smart plan soon developed - all she needed was the right opportunity. One night after their evening meal, she followed Daneel into their tent - intent on surprising her with fig cakes she’d baked especially for her. "Hi!" she said, poking her head in.

  "Hi," Daneel responded, panicked by Azaria's sudden, unexpected entrance. She felt too guilty, too ashamed of her behavior to say anymore.

  "Are you going back out?" Azaria asked.

  "What?" Daneel was again caught off guard. "Why?" she asked. Along with her guilt and her shame, she was a little upset with Azaria too. She felt Azaria should have noticed how badly she felt, how miserable she'd been, how much she wanted her to come to her, so she could apologize and ask forgiveness. But Azaria only avoided her, never gave her that chance. She imagined Azaria was for some reason enjoying making her suffer for her mistakes. It was a thought Yumineh encouraged every chance she had.

  "I just thought you could get some water if you were going out," Azaria said. She wanted a moment alone to set the cakes out so she could surprise her, but as soon as she said it, she realized it didn't sound right.

  Daneel was shocked Azaria expected her to fetch water and became infuriated. All of her built up emotions poured out in an instant. All of Yumineh's cynical messaging reinforced the negativity. "What!?" she said. "Just because you're Fahim's favorite doesn't mean you can order me around! I do all the hard work! How dare you!" she yelled, before stomping away.

  "No, Daneel! I didn't..." But it was too late, she was already gone. Leaping up, Azaria made to follow her best friend, but when she burst into dusk’s light, Daneel was already far away, running wildly. Azaria waited up late that night, hoping Daneel would come back so she could explain the misunderstanding, but her now lost friend had apparently found somewhere else to sleep.

  Azaria came back late the following night, after another long walk. Desolate at having lost her best friend, she hoped irrationally that Daneel would be up waiting for her. But when she entered, Daneel was laying with her back to her, facing the tent wall. If I wanted her to be up, then why did I walk for so long? After she pulled her tunic off and wriggled under her furs she noticed the muffled sounds of Daneel crying. Why is she crying? Is it because of me? Because she hates me or because she misses me? Should I say something? All I want to do is put my arms around her and cry with her. Why doesn't she say something if she feels bad? Should I apologize for asking her to get water? Try to explain what I intended? As badly as she wanted to say something, Azaria was frozen in doubt. She didn't have the advantage of an exterior perspective nor anyone to guide her. She lay in clouded desperation until Daneel's soft sobs were replaced by the gentle sounds of short, regular breathing that told her it was too late. Her friend was asleep.

  ---

  As the end of their Temple duty approached, the sun set earlier each evening. The large workforce of unmated young women and working men grew increasingly excited as they anticipated the end of their duties. Those girls who remained untied and childless would have to return, but they took solace knowing four seasons would pass before they'd have to.

  While Luna's great all-seeing eye closed a little more with each pass, Azaria was given more duties with Dholuhn, work she enjoyed des
pite her feelings of guilt. Aiyana was delighted to work with the carvers but Azaria had mixed feelings. She enjoyed learning about the craft, but didn't understand why she was assigned to this duty. She'd never expressed any interest in becoming Ta'araki and didn't have any desire to. She suspected it was for Aiyana's benefit, but wondered why the Falcon Camp girl hadn't been assigned to someone who'd shown more interest in joining their ranks to begin with. She never did come to a satisfying conclusion concerning the point, although the mystery left her with an uneasy feeling whenever it entered her mind.

  As their departure drew close, the exhilaration among the girls grew harder and harder to deny. When the huge group of girls who would replace them finally trickled in, the fervor in the air was absolutely electric. Azaria thought it felt like the sun of the Winter Solstice, when they would celebrate the end to the harsh, cold, dull slog of winter and the coming of the warm, green, glorious suns of spring. Azaria sat on a stump after the evening meal on the last night before their departure, staring at Daneel's back, who, lying on the furs, was turned away from her. I can't let this go on any longer. This is my last chance. I have to try before we return to Boar Camp. She sat down on the furs and put her arm on her best friend's shoulder. Daneel, panicked, rolled onto her back, and saw the distressed, sorrowful expression on her friend's face. Azaria's quavering lip and glossy eyes alarmed her. "What's wrong Azaria? What is it?"

  "Here..." Azaria said, reaching out with her other hand and presenting her with the fig cakes she had saved for so long.

  "What is this? Fig cakes?" Daneel's face exploded in delighted confusion. "Where did you get these?"

  "I made them for you," she sobbed. "I wanted to give them to you the night I asked you to get the water. I wanted to surprise you... They're nothing. It's just that you're my best friend and I love you so much." She couldn't control the flow of tears running down her cheeks. She didn't even try.

  "You made these for me? Why?" Daneel's eyes were welling up too. She didn't understand why she deserved the gift after how awful she'd been.

  "I just wanted to do something nice for you. I know you've hated being here. I feel so bad. I miss you so much."

  Daneel threw her arms up and around Azaria's neck and pulled her down on top of her. "I miss you too, Azaria," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry I've been so horrible lately. It's all my fault."

  "No. It's not your fault. It's my fault. I heard you crying one night and I didn't even ask you what was wrong. I thought you were crying because of me, because you hated me."

  "I was crying because of you. But because I missed you, because I was so terrified of what was happening between us, because I felt guilty that it was all my fault."

  The two girls lay together for the rest of the night, sharing the cakes and talking over all that had happened in the last half moon, laughing about how badly they both felt and how they each hadn't known how to make it right.

  "Daneel, why does Yumineh hate me?" Azaria finally asked, after gathering the courage to breach the subject.

  Daneel didn't quite know how to respond, "I don't think she-"

  "No. She hates me. You know she does," Azaria interrupted.

  Daneel sighed. "I don't know why she doesn't like you. It doesn't seem rational. I think once we get back, everything will go back to normal. I hate it here. Something about this place makes people crazy."

  "Yeah, I hate it too. I can't wait to get back." Except for her problems with Daneel and the way Fahim was alienating her from the other girls, Azaria actually enjoyed her duties at the Temple. But she didn't want to talk about that, knowing she might feel differently if the circumstances had been reversed. "I wish the three of us could all be friends. I know Yumineh is really sweet, I just wish I knew why she hated me. I don't know what to do to make her like me."

  Daneel wanted to be totally honest. "I think she resents your beating her in the Long Race. I think she didn't think it was fair - that you cheated even - and it's been a hard thing for her to get over. I think she wanted the attention that you got. I think she was hoping for it and was devastated when you got it instead. She tends to dwell on things. It's not healthy, but it's just... how she is. I feel sorry for her, actually. But I really think once she gets to know you, she'll love you as much as I do."

  "I hope you're right…" Azaria answered.

  ---

  The two girls woke the next morning cradled in each other’s arms. They were exhausted from their lack of sleep over the past suns and the strenuous work of Temple duties, but also partly refreshed from the emotional outpouring the previous night. A heavy weight had lifted from their shoulders, a weight both knew was not related to the end of the Temple work. They spent the early morning chatting and helping each other pack and getting ready for the march back to Boar Camp. They would leave with the rest of the returning girls as soon as they'd finished their morning meal. Despite the long trek in front of them, Daneel was in unusually high spirits.

  Their belongings packed and set outside, they worked together to break down the traveling tent they'd shared for so long. "I'm glad everything is mended between us," Daneel commented. "Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would have been packing and breaking down the tent if we still weren't talking?" she laughed.

  "Ohhh, I know. It would have been horrible! Thank the Mother!"

  "Thank the Mother for your fig cakes, Azaria. They were delicious. It was the perfect way to break the ice. I just wish I had thought of it. It should have been me apologizing to you," Daneel said, beaming at her old friend.

  "You apologized enough last night. But it was my fault too. I say we forget about it. Let's go eat!" Azaria said, returning the smile and grabbing her hand.

  Aiyana joined Azaria and Daneel for the morning meal, who were sitting about as far away from Yumineh and her new friends as they possibly could. She might have been the only girl there who didn't think it was a big deal the two Boar Camp girls were dining together, as if nothing had ever happened between them. She didn't notice Daneel was sitting with her back to Yumineh or that Azaria kept craning her neck to look over her friend's shoulder, watching Yumineh glare at the three of them. She was, however, the first to spot Izyl making her way to the center of the gathering area to address the large crowd of girls and workmen.

  "Please, can I have your attention?" the young Ta'araki called out. "On behalf of Takur, Fahim and the rest of the Ta'araki, I would express our deep appreciation for the hard work you have all performed over the past moon. You are now released from your duty. I look forward to seeing all of you here next summer. Please finish your meals, say your farewells to your friends and join your respective camps for your return trip. Boar, Swan and Fox Camps, we'll be gathering down by the river. We'll be leaving shortly, so make haste."

  After finishing their meals, the girls made their way to the meeting spot. About half way down, Daneel turned and said, "Azaria, I'm going to talk to Yumineh... I..."

  "There's no need to explain. Go ahead," Azaria smiled.

  "Okay, I'll join you soon."

  After the meeting, as the large group began their return march, Daneel came running up, joining them as promised.

  "How did it go?" Azaria asked.

  "Well, let's just say she's not too happy about our being friends again," Daneel answered. "But she'll get over it."

  "We were always friends, Daneel," Azaria said.

  "I know, but I have a feeling she hoped we weren't anymore."

  As the girls walked along with the rest of the three camps, Daneel and Azaria chatted almost the entire way, with each other and also with Malena, the twins Ilaya and Aisika and some of the other nearby girls. They returned on the same path they'd come, their excitement building with each step. When they crossed the stream closest to Boar Camp, their anticipation reached frenetic levels. The organized line lost its form as they approached the outskirts of the camp, with some of the girls breaking into a run for the final stretch, unable to contain their ebullience any longer. It was gen
eral chaos as the waiting families came into sight. Just as Azaria spotted her parents standing together near the back of the crowd, Quzo came out of nowhere, leaping into her arms. "'Zaria!! You're back! I missed you so much!" Grayfoot was running circles around her, yapping happily, trying to jump on top of her.

  "I missed you too!!" Azaria squealed as she swung him around in her arms. She hadn't realized how much she missed the little hellraiser until she was holding him. As she bent to let him down and allow Grayfoot to lick her face, she looked over to her grinning parents, still standing there waiting for her. Letting her brother go, she ran toward them. But as she neared, her heart dropped. Her mother was leaning on her father, smiling, but appearing very thin and weary. What happened to mother? Her hair is gray and she looks frail. She looks... old!

  5

  Azaria slowed as she approached her parents. Why has mother aged so? I could have mistaken her for Fahim had I not known that smile so well. She held her arms out as she approached. "Mother, I missed you sooo much!"

  "I missed you too, daughter! Welcome back," Zephia answered, her voice weak and hoarse.

  She's coughing still. There's dark circles under her eyes and her hair is graying. How could it turn gray so quickly? Alarmed, but knowing her concern must wait, she swiveled to her father. "Father! It's so good to be back. I missed all of you!" She wrapped her arms around his thick neck, offering no resistance as he swept her into his powerful arms, pulling her off the ground in a great bear hug. Father has aged too, she noticed. It's more subtle, but I can see it clearly. He must be worried about mother.

  "We've all missed you, daughter!" he boomed. "I suspect more than you'll ever know."

  "I don't know about that. I thought about all of you every sun and moon," she laughed.

  The four walked together back to their shelter, one of Azaria's hands in her father's and the other around her mother. She could feel the weight as Zephia leaned on her during the walk back. Have I grown so much or is mother shrinking? What’s happened to her?