Falling for Autumn

by Topham Wood, Heather

  “No karaoke machine here. Sorry. Guess we’ll have to figure out something else to do,” Blake said.

  “I can download a karaoke application on my MacBook,” Darien said. I laughed at Blake and Finn’s shared look of utter misery.

  I pouted. “What’s the matter? Is it emasculating for the big strong football player to sing?”

  He rose from his chair, towering over me. “I’m not worried about that. I just didn’t want to show anyone up with my raw talent.”

  I clapped and cheered as Darien and Blake set up a makeshift area in the living room for us to do karaoke. I was an average singer, but I was hoping we would get bored before it was my turn. While he moved around the furniture, I gave Blake a once-over. He had been working out a couple of hours a day and paying close attention to what he ate. His body had been sexy before but his recent efforts made him look ridiculously attractive. His core and back muscles tensed under the strain of rotating the couch and I wanted to swallow my tongue over how cut he looked. We’d been mostly clothed during our kissing sessions and when he finally got undressed, I’d be ready to drown in him.

  Once they were satisfied with the furniture placement, the men went into Darien’s bedroom to tinker with his MacBook and figure out how to work the karaoke application. Casey turned toward Darien’s bedroom and squinted in the direction of Blake. “Are you finished blushing and fantasizing over how hot your boyfriend is?”

  “I’m not,” I protested. After a beat, I whispered, “Okay, maybe a little. But we haven’t applied the boyfriend and girlfriend label yet.” I kept my voice low enough to not carry to Blake’s ears.

  “That’s a technicality,” Lexi said. “You’re both not seeing anyone else and he’s obviously into you as much as you’re into him.”

  “He’s great. I thought maybe it was a physical attraction between us, but it’s a lot more than that.”

  Casey slipped her thumb inside of her mouth and made a popping sound as she yanked her thumb away from her lips. Lexi and I both gaped at her with confusion. She chuckled. “Sorry, I was providing the sound effects of Autumn’s cherry being popped in the near future.”

  I swatted her arm playfully. “Maybe…I don’t know,” I stammered. “I haven’t mentioned the virgin thing and I’m not sure when to. Do I tell him right before we’re about to have sex? Or if I say it beforehand, would it put too much pressure on both of us?”

  Casey opened her mouth, but Lexi spoke up. “Just tell him. Blake’s a good guy and he’ll want to take care of you for your first time.”

  “Am I being old-fashioned about it? Should I be asking him to take me into his room and jump his bones?”

  Casey laughed. “Is that what you want? I picture you as more the candlelight and rose petals kind of girl.”

  I was torn over what I wanted. In one sense, my sexuality had been basically latent since I was seventeen and I was relishing how Blake’s touch had reawakened my urges. I was afraid of losing those feelings and it was the reason I thought over and over again about sleeping with Blake.

  On the other hand, I was the victim of sexual violence, my body exploited against my will. What if the moment I lay naked before Blake, all the revulsion and fear associated with my attack returned?

  But I was trying to separate sex from my assault. Because I never truly believed it before that night, but the attack had little to do with sex. It was about power and control because Mr. Bridges saw me as a conquest. I was part of a fantasy and although I showed resistance, he thought I would really enjoy what he did to me.

  The men returning with Darien’s computer cut our conversation short. No one wanted to sing first, but Lexi wore Finn down until he agreed. He chose “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks and it was a good first choice. Finn had a solid country crooner voice and the room sang along with him during the chorus.

  Casey decided to go next and sang “Umbrella.” She was slightly tone deaf, but her sultry dance moves made up for her lack of singing talent. My hopes for her and Will were diminishing as I watched her and Darien track each other with their eyes. I wasn’t against the two pairing—Darien was a great guy—but Will worshipped Casey and I imagined his smitten heart breaking from her rejection.

  “Not sure how you’re going to follow that performance,” Casey said to Blake. She was breathless as she resumed her seat next to me.

  Blake followed Darien to his computer and pointed out the song he wanted to sing. Darien looked skeptical over the choice. “Are you sure?”

  Blake winked at me. “Yup. It’ll show Autumn I’m not afraid of losing my big studly football player label.”

  “I think you’re the only one who gave yourself that label,” I volleyed back at him.

  “Maybe so,” he said and my toes curled when he trained a big grin in my direction. Darien handed Blake his cell phone. It was functioning as the microphone for karaoke since the guys didn’t have a traditional karaoke setup. Blake held the phone up close to his mouth and waited for the song to start.

  The familiar chords started and I covered my burning cheeks with my palms. “Please, Blake, no, you can’t be serious.”

  Lexi and Casey erupted into giggles next to me as Blake bounced his head up and down in time with the music. “Oh baby, baby. How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right here? Oh baby, baby. I shouldn’t have let you go. And now you’re out of sight, yeah.”

  Blake’s green eyes flashed with humor as he began to shake his hips in time with the music. He smirked as he continued to sing while the rest of the room couldn’t stop laughing. As silly as Blake was being, Darien was right about him having a good voice. It was deep and gravelly and he had a good vibrato as he continued with the song. He made it to the chorus and he sidled up to Darien who joined him in singing. “My loneliness is killing me.”

  “And I,” Darien sang with a flourish.

  “I must confess I still believe.”

  We all sang together. “Still believe.”

  Blake chuckled and it was a trial for him to finish out the song while attempting to keep a straight face. I was laughing too, but my heartbeat was also pounding between my ears. Because it was the moment I realized how I was falling more and more for Blake. I had been empty inside before him and it was a miserable existence. Every day I spent with Blake filled me with regret over all of the things I’d been missing by closing myself off. I wasn’t sure how he had done it, but he penetrated my walls completely.

  He finished the song and I applauded as he took an exaggerated bow. Lexi was up and Blake took her spot on the couch next to me. “Are you duly impressed?”

  “Very,” I said.

  He studied my face. “What are you thinking about? Was my singing that bad you had to check out for a few minutes?”

  “No. I was actually wondering if you were too good to be true.” My tone was joking, but there was an underlying seriousness to my remark. Blake was perfect. Sexy as hell, generous, funny, kind—every quality I could possibly want in a boyfriend he possessed. I wanted what we had to be real so bad, but it was hard to trust my instincts when they had been wrong a million times before.

  “Searching for my warts?” His smile wavered. “I have them, I just hide them well.”

  “I think I can handle a few warts if you ever want to share them.” I took his hand and squeezed it. I acknowledged his family life was complicated and he distanced me purposely from the drama. But I bared my deepest scars and I wanted to reassure him he could do the same.

  He pulsed my hand in return and I leaned my head on his shoulder to watch Lexi sing. Blake would open up when he was ready and I wouldn’t push it. It had taken a lot for him to tell me about his father’s death and he would divulge everything else about his family in time. Having his secrets wasn’t as important to me as having him.

  Chapter Twenty

  The weekend after the karaoke get-together, Blake loaned me his car and I took full advantage of it. I hadn’t been shopping in ages and nee
ded a few new outfits for the warmer weather. I was also trying to move away from the utilitarian bra and underwear sets and buy something that didn’t scream granny panties.

  I’d been dating Blake for over a month and it felt like sex was on the horizon. He was reserved when we were alone together and it was refreshing in a way. He wanted me to set the tone, tell him what was okay and what wasn’t. I wanted more, but it was smart to take it slow. It was easy to get swept away by desire and offer up my body fully to him. When we became entangled in bed and he rained feverish kisses on my face and neck, I could feel his need. My skin was set aflame when he touched me and it took a concentrated effort to not remove every piece of clothing standing between us. But it would happen; I only had to be patient.

  When I arrived at the apartment to return Blake’s car, Darien opened the door. He was pulling on a jacket as he gestured me inside. “I’m heading out for a while so maybe you can take over babysitting duty. Blake’s in one of his moods and hasn’t come out of his room for most of the day.”

  My stomach dropped. “Is he okay?”

  “Not sure what’s going on with him. He hasn’t had too many emo nights since the two of you’ve gotten together, but it has happened before.” Darien looked apologetic and I understood he wasn’t going to betray his friend’s confidence by saying any more. I wondered if Darien regretted telling me about Blake’s mom and their complicated relationship. I pushed, but if I had no idea the cause of his hurt, I had no means to fix it.

  “Okay. Have fun and don’t drive if you’re drinking. I’ll pick you up,” I offered.

  He nodded and waved as he ambled down the path to his Ford SUV. I shut the door and frowned as I looked at Blake’s closed door. I walked over and tentatively knocked. When I didn’t receive an answer, I opened the door a crack and whispered, “Blake?”

  The room was dark and I blinked to adjust to the surroundings. Slipping inside, I closed the door behind me. I noticed the glow coming from Blake’s iPhone and followed it to find my way to his bed. I reached the bed and I could make out Blake’s closed eyes. His chest rose and fell steadily and I tried to slip into bed without waking him up. He started as the mattress moved under my weight, but relaxed once he stared in my direction.

  He turned on the bedside lamp and as he sat up I popped one of the earbuds out. Positioning it in my own ear, I grimaced in his direction as a Radiohead song played. I noticed the empty beer bottles littering his nightstand as I handed the earbud back. “Drinking in the dark while listening to Radiohead? How very self-indulgent of you.”

  Blake chuckled darkly and fell back onto his pillow. “I like how you’re never afraid to call me on my bullshit.”

  I shifted until I was flush with his body. I draped my arm across his waist. My forefinger traced the striped pattern of his T-shirt. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “Just having a bad day. It’s better now that you’re here.”

  I flipped onto my belly and watched him for a long moment. “I think it’s more than that. You can tell me the truth.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” Blake insisted.

  I leaned my chin on his belly. “Fine, if you won’t tell me, let’s play a game instead.”

  Blake stretched his arms over his head and the tension left his jaw. He seemed to relax over the thought of changing the subject. “What kind of game?”

  “It’s called two truths and a lie.” Blake pulled a face. “Come on. I’ll even go first.”

  “Okay. How do you play?”

  “I’m going to tell you three things. Two of them are true and one of them is a lie. You have to figure out which one is the lie.”

  “Can’t we play another kind of game?” Blake’s voice turned husky and I pressed my body closer to him in response. His fingers took their time running through the long waves of my hair and I was hyperaware of his hand as it rested on my lower back. I almost yelped out in agreement, but pushed my physical urgency for him aside for the moment.

  I had to find out his secrets because his pain terrified me. It was too reminiscent of how I used to be—trying to mend unfixable things about myself. I may have related to his yearning to keep his secrets safely tucked away, but I couldn’t accept it.

  “No,” I said and racked my brain for the three things to tell him. At the last second, I altered my three confessions. “I’ve suffered from panic attacks for the past couple of years and need to take medicine sometimes to control it. I had an incurable crush on you since we met and I tried to fight it because I thought you were completely wrong for me.” I fought to keep my voice neutral. “And I’m not a virgin.”

  I saw understanding flicker in his expression. He opened up his mouth to reply, but I leaped on top of him and placed a finger over his lips. “You don’t have to say your answer out loud. I just…wanted to put it out there.”

  He removed my finger and lifted his head up and pressed a firm kiss on my lips. “All right,” he said softly once he pulled away. It was another burden I was able to get rid of by telling him. I was nervous about sex and since I nominated Blake as my first, I wanted him to keep my virginity in the back of his mind when things went to that level. Blake would be gentle regardless, I was certain, but I wanted to be honest with him and have us share the same expectations.

  “Your turn,” I prompted.

  “I know.” He leaned up on his elbows and chewed on his lip. Finally, he stared down at me and said, “I hate football sometimes, like the enjoyment I once got out of playing the game has been zapped away. I’ve always put my family first, no matter what, and people have been hurt because of my blind loyalty.” I held my breath as his eyes bored into mine. “And I’m not in love with you.”

  I stilled and stared back at him in disbelief. I opened my mouth to try and blurt out some type of response, but in a familiar gesture, he put his finger over my lips. “No fair. You can’t answer if I wasn’t allowed to.”

  My chest constricted and I released an unsteady breath. I should tell him I love you. But I couldn’t, not yet. I wasn’t sure what was harder for me—to make myself emotionally or physically vulnerable. Blake returned to the prone position on the bed and I leaned my head on his chest. I heard his heart thudding against my ear, his body alerting me of his anxiety. He had given me something special—an unforgettable moment I could reach back to when things got hard.

  I snuck my hands under the edge of his T-shirt and drifted my hands over his bare flesh. I pulled at the hem and once I bunched the fabric around Blake’s chest, he took the hint and removed the shirt. I took my time to study every bit of his exposed body. He was perfect, his skin unblemished with the exception of a modest-sized scar on the underside of his ribs. I gave him a questioning look as I rubbed the pink line.

  “Believe it or not that didn’t come from football. I had a bad fall off my bike when I was twelve.”

  I smiled and continued my visual inspection of him, trying to memorize every glorious inch of him. I became tied up in knots as I noticed his tan line peeking out of his low-slung jeans. I coasted the hem of his jeans with my fingertips, stroking the area liberally.

  “Come here,” he commanded in a deep growl. I obeyed his request by straddling my body across his waist. I laced my fingers behind his neck and my mouth instinctively found his. There was no hesitating on my part as I kissed him with feverish need. Our kisses were wild with my tongue exploring his mouth and I tasted the remnants of the cinnamon gum he frequently chewed.

  His hand reached under my shirt and the feeling of his calloused hands on my bare back was intoxicating. I needed more from him and in a swift motion, I removed my yellow T-shirt and tossed it onto the floor. Blake moved from massaging my back to cupping my breasts through the blue silk fabric of my bra. He never stopped kissing me, even when I moaned into his mouth, enjoying the feel of him fondling me openly.

  I stopped for a moment to catch my breath and reached behind my back. Blake put his hand over mine as my fingers re
ached around to my bra clasp. “Are you sure?” he asked. We were entering new territory, but I wasn’t ready to stop. I nodded and undid the back of my bra. I shimmied out of it and fought the urge to cover my breasts.

  His eyes became hooded and the way he wet his lips turned me on. I lay down on the opposite end of the bed, switching positions with Blake. Instead of returning his attention to my breasts, he looked me over with a ravenous expression. I held my breath as his eyes darkened with need.

  His body looked strong and powerful as I stayed sandwiched between his arms. My skin tingled when he didn’t rush to pull his gaze from my nakedness. “You’re beautiful. I could spend hours looking at you and still wonder if I’m dreaming. It doesn’t seem possible that this is real and you’re here with me in bed.”

  I cupped his cheek, feeling the day-old beard scratch my palm. “I’m real and I’m yours.”

  I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he took his hand to my left breast. His thumb brushed my nipple and my back arched in pleasure. He worked my right breast in a similar motion and I squirmed with pent-up sexual energy. I could feel electricity shooting through my body and making its way between my legs. He positioned his mouth over my breast and I cried out as his tongue circled around my nipple. He teased me with his tongue, flicking it over the nipple before he returned to tracing slow and seductive circles around the center of my breast. He mimicked his movements on my other breast and I got lost in the sensation. My overanalytical brain fled the premises as I became acutely aware of what his mouth was doing to me.

  His attentions didn’t stop with my breasts. He kissed down my belly before reaching the button on my pants. As he moved his mouth back the way he came, he used his right hand to massage the area between my legs. His movements were controlled and he found a steady rhythm that made my body hum. He stopped only when I reached out for him. He was aroused and I wanted to give him the same pleasure he’d been giving me. He crawled back to the head of the bed and gave me a strained smile.