I Can Do Better All By Myself

by E. N. Joy

  Mother Doreen recalled the words she’d spoken to Sister Deborah. “God says you ain’t finished yet.... Whatever this thing is inside of you that you are holding back, give it to Him, child.” Mother Doreen placed her hand on Deborah’s stomach. “You’ve got to birth it out of you. God said He’s been trying to push it out of you Himself. He’s been using people and situations to get you to push it out, but you won’t let go. What you have inside of you is taking up space. See, God wants to birth something new in you, but you won’t make room for it because you’re protecting that thing that’s stillborn inside of you. God says what you have in there is dead. Push that dead thing out so He can birth new life in you.”

  Mother Doreen began to cry a river as she recalled those very words. She cried tears of joy, for the message God was using her to give had been for the messenger first. It was Mother Doreen who needed to take heed to those very words.

  “The accuser has been standing up there telling God all about it. Now it’s your time to shut the accuser up. Send him to hell where he belongs.... Send the accuser to hell with nothing more to say to God about you that you haven’t already told Him yourself.”

  “Oh, God, I thank you, Lord,” Mother Doreen had begun to shout in her hotel room. “I thank you for opening my eyes at this very moment so that I may see what you’ve been trying to get me to do in my life. You’ve been trying to get me to share my story... my whole story. But I wouldn’t tell it, so the devil did. But I’m shutting Satan up today, Lord. Yes, I am,” Mother Doreen declared.

  Mother Doreen closed her eyes and thought back to how Deborah had confessed that she had killed someone. Ironically, that was Mother Doreen’s confession too. Deborah had aborted her baby in the last trimester of her pregnancy. Mother Doreen had killed another woman’s baby who was in the last trimester of her pregnancy. She’d never told a soul until confessing it to Pastor. She hadn’t even told her own family. She didn’t want anybody to know. Everyone she knew looked up to her; her sister, her brother-in-law, her niece, and her nephew. Heck, she was even looked at as one of the church mothers at New Day. How would anyone have possibly looked up to her had they known she killed someone? A baby, no less? It had been the baby of one of her late husband Willie’s mistresses.

  “But that’s my past!” Mother Doreen had shouted in the hotel room. “I will not be bound by my past. I will not be robbed of my future because of my past. And dang on it, I will not be robbed of the husband you let find me, Lord.” And with that being declared, Mother Doreen packed up her things, hit the highway, and drove to Kentucky.

  It wasn’t long before she pulled up in front of her destination. She turned off the car and tried to release some of the nervous energy she had all balled up inside of her. At first, she was going to say a little prayer about what she was about to do. She closed her eyes and folded her hands.

  “I’ve done enough praying about it. Now it’s time to move.” Mother Doreen had heard God speak to her concerning this situation. She didn’t need Him to keep repeating Himself.

  She opened her eyes and went to open the car door. That’s when she saw something that disturbed her. It was the man she’d claimed as her husband the entire ride there escorting another woman out of his house. She took note of Pastor Frey’s hand on the woman’s back and the way the woman smiled, seeming to like his touch.

  All of that fire Mother Doreen had just had only moments ago seemed to fizzle out just like that. With her hand still on the handle of the slightly opened car door, Mother Doreen watched Pastor Frey converse with this woman. They looked into each other’s eyes like they knew each other ... knew things about each other that no one else in the world knew.

  Once Mother Doreen saw Pastor Frey grab the woman’s hands, she couldn’t stand to sit there and torture herself any longer. She closed the car door, started it up, and pulled off. Pastor Frey had been so into speaking to his lady friend that he never even noticed her car in the first place. He never even noticed her.

  By the time Mother Doreen hit the stop sign at the corner, a tear had fallen from her eye. “Instant obedience,” Mother Doreen said to herself, figuring she’d waited too long to do what she needed to do.

  Although God had initially given her the vision for the Singles’ Ministry, Mother Doreen knew that it was only to prepare her for the other vision she’d suppressed; that one day she would marry again. That God would send her a husband.

  “Looks like I blew the latter, Lord,” she spoke out loud.

  Mother Doreen was so bummed and down and out that she wasn’t even going to go see her family who were only fifteen minutes from Pastor Frey’s place. Then she’d have to explain why she’d come there in the first place and go through the embarrassment of telling them the outcome. Figuring she’d have to crawl back to her pastor, apologize, and repent for her fleshly threats of possibly leaving the church—knowing darn well God hadn’t told her to consider any such a thing—she was going to suffer enough humiliation.

  Turning left at the stop sign, Mother Doreen drove toward the highway that would take her back to Malvonia, Ohio. Just as she was about to turn on the entrance ramp, she heard the words, “You ain’t finished.” And like a puppet under a puppeteer’s control, she turned her car around.

  “Oh, it’s about to be finished, God,” she declared with a passion, “once and for all.”

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Paige arrived at the courthouse with Nita by her side. She honestly didn’t know if she’d make it through this. It was like the closer she got to the courtroom, the more the spirit of fear rose up in her.

  What am I afraid of? she kept asking herself. Blake hadn’t come around and tried to harm her since the day at the church. So why was her stomach aching? Why were her palms sweating? Why were her hands shaking?

  The unknown; it was the fear of the unknown that had Paige on edge. She knew that whatever happened in this courtroom today was going to play a part in her future as Mrs. Blake Dickenson. Even up to this very moment, to this very second, she still believed that God could heal her marriage. She knew God could heal her marriage. He could do all things. But did Blake want to be healed? A great deal of the marriage being repaired required some healing and deliverance, and that included Paige too. She knew she wasn’t perfect by any means, but she served a perfect God who could do a perfect work in both her and her husband. God knew her heart. God knew her desires, but none of that mattered to Paige.

  “God, do your perfect will,” was all she asked as she and Nita got on the elevator that would take her to the courtroom.

  As the elevator doors closed, Nita and Paige stood side by side. Nita reached down and took Paige’s hand and began to pray. “Father God, we come to you asking that you prepare that courtroom right now in the name of Jesus. Touch the atmosphere up in that place, O God, so that it is conducive to the work you are going to do in there.”

  Both Nita and Paige stood with their eyes closed, so neither cared that the elevator was jammed-packed with folks probably looking at them like they were crazy. Nita continued. “Father God, we know that Satan is always so ever ready to do his evil works in man’s life and through man, but Father God, we know he is defeated. Yes, Satan has been defeated, but we must always be mindful to know that he is not destroyed. So we won’t let down our guard, Lord. We will keep on your full armor, O Lord, as you bring Paige out of this situation. As you allow her to come through with the victory, no matter what it looks like. In your precious Son’s name we pray, Jesus Christ, amen.”

  The array of “Amens” that Paige heard around her nearly brought her to her knees. Almost everyone on that elevator, without her even knowing, had touched and agreed in the prayer Nita had just recited. And there were at least seven other people on the elevator. Paige tried counting in her head how many demons had just been put to flight to the pits of hell. The elevator stopped on her floor before she could do the math.

  “O devil, all I know is that you gon’ get it now,” Paige decl
ared as she stepped off the elevator and walked boldly to the appointed courtroom. It was as if with each and every step she took, that spirit of fear was shedding off her as she began to walk in the authority given to the heiress of a throne. “Yes, Lord. Hallelujah. I thank you, Lord. Glory,” she said softly, but loud enough for Nita to hear, who was having a time keeping up with her.

  “That’s right, praise Him,” Nita mumbled beside her. “Praise Him like Paul and Silas praised Him,” Nita encouraged. “Paul and Silas praised God with their hands in chains. Paul and Silas praised God with their feet chained up. They had blood pouring from their backs, but they praised Him.” Nita reminded Paige of the Bible story where, despite the pain Paul and Silas were going through, they still had praise for God.

  “Hallelujah,” Paige said.

  “That’s right, give Him the highest praise,” Nita continued to cheer her on. “Remember, as Paul and Silas praised God, the Lord Almighty shook the prison they were being held captive in. The walls of that prison came tumbling down, and they were set free. Your walls are all falling down right now, Sister Paige. You’re being set free in the name of Jesus,” Nita boldly declared.

  And that’s exactly what Paige felt like, as if she were being set free, and right there in the courthouse. “Praise God,” was all she could mumble. “Praise God.”

  Paige was on such a high that she didn’t even realize she’d passed up some members of New Day. She didn’t realize that she’d passed up the courtroom too, that was, until Nita informed her. Getting herself together, Paige backtracked and entered the courtroom. Her knees, for the second time in the past five minutes, nearly gave way again when she entered the courtroom to see her pastor, her choir director, and a couple other members of her church family there for support. But her heart really smiled when she saw her mother and father sitting there. She’d made it a point to not share everything that was going on in her and Blake’s marriage with them. She didn’t want them to know what she was going through. But, “a mother knows,” her mother had told her over the phone one day.

  “Thank you, Jesus.” Paige began to weep tears of joy. “Thank you, Jesus.” She then spoke to her supporters.

  “Thank you all for being here. Thank you so much.” Paige was feeling way too much love and joy right now to be consumed with even an ounce of fear. Too bad, though, as her eyes scanned the row behind where the New Day members were sitting, anger decided to rear its ugly head. “Get out of here. How dare you. The nerve.” Paige couldn’t help that those words had escaped through her lips so quickly.

  Everyone immediately looked behind them to see who Paige was directing her angry words toward.

  “I just wanted to be here to show you some support,” Tamarra spoke up, feeling two feet tall instead of the five feet nine inches that she was. It was written all over her face that perhaps she should have reconsidered showing up in court today, but it was too late. She was already there. But not for long. Not if Paige had anything to do with it.

  “You’ve done enough, now leave!” Paige spat. That’s when the bailiff began eyeballing the situation.

  Figuring she’d witnessed enough people be escorted in handcuffs, Margie turned and said, “Please, Sister Tamarra ...” her eyes urged Tamarra to just go for now. Tamarra had come to Margie’s office the day before looking for Paige. She was worried sick and concerned about her whereabouts. Paige hadn’t been taking Tamarra’s calls. Margie knew how close the two women were, so just to keep Tamarra from worrying herself into an anxiety attack, she informed her that Paige was safe and sound at Nita’s. That didn’t seem to remove the worry from Tamarra. Just knowing where Paige was hadn’t been enough. She needed to know why she’d just up and left without saying anything. Next thing Margie knew, Tamarra was confessing her reasons as to why Paige might have pulled a disappearing act. Obviously, Tamarra had been correct in her assumptions.

  The church sanctuary was not the time or the place for Eleanor to confront Lorain about Unique, nor was the courtroom the time and the place for Paige and Tamarra to have it out. So without another word having to be said, Tamarra stood and exited the courtroom.

  Paige spotted the detective that had been handling her case sitting behind the prosecution. Nita confirmed Paige’s concerns by saying, “Yes, you should go check in with them.”

  Just as Paige had taken a step away she heard a New Day member mumble, “The nerve of Sister Tamarra to show up after she done slept with that poor woman’s husband. Heck, she was probably here to support him and not her so-called best friend.”

  One could hear Paige’s heels scratch the floor as she turned and faced her pastor, who seemed to have a look of shock on her face just as Paige did. And as Paige’s expression turned to hurt, so did Margie’s. All Margie could do was lift her hands, shrug her shoulders, and shake her head. That was her way of noting that she had no idea how anyone could have possibly learned about those details.

  Right now, though, Paige wasn’t about to concern herself with that. The same way God was about to make her victorious in the courtroom, even if it meant Blake would have to suffer, He would make her victorious in other matters as well. He would make her victorious even if it meant Tamarra would have a price to pay. Even if it meant her pastor would have a price to pay. God don’t like ugly, and things were definitely not pretty.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  “Will you stop fussing over my table?” Eleanor spat, giving Lorain a smack on the hand. “Everything is set and in order. Now all we have to do is wait for her to get here.” Eleanor looked at her watch. “What time did she say she and the kids would be here anyway?”

  After ruining Nicholas’s white doctor coat yesterday afternoon with her makeup and running mascara, Lorain had finally been able to get herself together enough to talk to him in a way where everything would make sense.

  Nicholas had led Lorain back to his SUV, where the two talked over beef fried rice. The good doctor listened to Lorain nonstop for over a half hour before he had to report back to the hospital. She’d given him an earful, and she knew it. In return, he’d told her to do exactly what he did every day in the emergency and operating room: to trust God. She found out that Nicholas wasn’t a churchgoer or a practicing Christian. For the most part, he was a simple believer.

  “I know that in order to make it out of this world, and even to make it into eternal life in heaven, one probably has to be more than just a believer,” he had told Lorain. “After all, I know that just believing in God isn’t enough to even get you by most days. But I see miracles happen every day that I know don’t have a thing to do with me. When people who I’ve pronounced dead breathe, rise up off that bed, walk out of that hospital to live dozens of more years ...” He shook his head in disbelief. “I know there is a God. Strange thing is, I believe more so that God is performing these miracles than some of the folks I see praying at their loved one’s bedside for days in and days out. It’s like here they are asking God to do something; to give them a miracle. Then when He does it, me, the only one in the room who doesn’t even have a relationship with God, is the only one who believes that He did it.”

  “I hear you,” Lorain had to agree. She had been one of those doubting Thomases at one point or another in her life.

  “I guess that’s why I can’t really do the church thing.” Nicholas scratched his head. “Church folks be playing with God. I can’t get with that. Not with what I’ve seen Him do.”

  “Wow, sounds to me like you’re a little bit more than a believer,” Lorain observed.

  “Nahhh, not me. But my mom, my sisters, my brother, even my dad, on the other hand, don’t miss a Sunday. And I know they love the Lord. They don’t play church because I’ve shared with them the miracles God has done and they’ve rejoiced and cried as if it’d been their own kin. But not everybody is like them. God is real, Lorain. And the same way He performs miracles in my life, He’s going to perform them in yours. Heck, wasn’t your mom coming up here a miracle in itself? Le
t alone inviting Unique and the boys over to dinner. And I think He’ll touch Unique’s heart to accept the invitation.”

  Nicholas couldn’t have been more right. God had performed a miracle. Before Lorain’s workday was even over, she’d gotten a call from Unique, who’d let her know that she and her three boys would be at the dinner at Eleanor’s. Right after Lorain let out a squeal of excitement and right before she was about to ask Unique if she’d told the boys what was going on, she heard them yell into the phone, “Hi, Granny Lorain!”

  The phone slipped from Lorain’s hands. It was just like Nicholas had told her; a miracle; something that only God Himself could have had a hand in. And to God be the glory as Lorain sat mumbling her thanks and praises to God as softly as she could without her coworkers thinking she was a Jesus freak. It took several minutes before she remembered that Unique was on the phone. She quickly picked up the phone and put it to her ear. For some reason she wasn’t surprised at all to hear faint whispers of praise coming out of Unique’s mouth.

  “My God, my God,” Lorain said as Unique’s words faded out. “I better get myself together here and do what they’re paying me to do.”

  “All right. I better go too. The kids want to make you and their great-grandmama something. You know they have to Christen Eleanor’s shine board.”

  “Oh, yes, indeed,” Lorain smiled.

  “Okay, then. Well, my sister is going to let me use her car to drive to the dinner. She’s off work tomorrow.”

  “Good. Dinner will be at my mother’s.” Lorain proceeded to give her the address. “I’m going to skip my lunch break tomorrow to make up for today’s lost time. That way, I might be able to slip out a little early as well. How about we have dinner at around five o’clock? How’s that sound?”