The Cowboy's Christmas Blessings

by Jill Kemerer

  “I am happier.” Nicole began warming up three bottles. “I think it’s this cabin. Having my own space has been freeing.”

  “I know what you mean,” Eden said. “I was so worried about moving off my parents’ ranch and into my own apartment. At first, it was hard. But after a while, I started to like being independent.”

  Independent. Could Nicole say the same about herself? Not really. She was relying on the kindness of others for this cabin, for help with the babies and even for the opportunity to grocery shop by herself.

  “That’s great.” Nicole closed the distance between them and hugged her. “You’ve been such a good friend to me. I want to see you happy.”

  Her expression fell. “I’m starting to think what I really want out of life isn’t going to happen. Maybe I need to make peace with it.”

  “What do you mean?” She leaned against the counter and gave Eden her full attention.

  “Oh, you know, the husband, kids, minivan and house.” She let out a sad laugh. “I think I need to figure out how to be content with what I have.”

  “It’s hard.” Nicole weighed how honest she should be. “My whole life I thought I wanted one thing. To be Aaron’s wife. Then it expanded to the kids, minivan and house.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up... Just forget I said anything.” Eden’s cheeks grew pink.

  “No, that’s not why I’m telling you this.” How could she explain? “I relied on Aaron for too much. We were both young when we got married. And as we matured, we didn’t always want the same things. I loved him. He loved me. But I was always terrified of losing him, and part of the fear was love, yes, but a lot of it was the fear of being on my own. I didn’t think I could handle life by myself.”

  Eden wore a thoughtful expression. “You know, this is the first time you’ve opened up about Aaron beyond his illness and death.”

  Nicole stared at her hands. It was true. She’d been in the role of the grieving widow for a long time. “I guess I don’t need everyone feeling sorry for me anymore.”

  “We’ll always sympathize with you.”

  “I know. But I’m ready to move past it. Our marriage wasn’t a fairy tale, and sometimes I feel like people assume Aaron was Mr. Perfect because he died. Or they think I’m this superwoman taking care of three babies. He wasn’t perfect, and I’m not, either. I’m tired of his death defining me. We had some shaky spots in our marriage. I trust you and the rest of our group enough to know you won’t judge me for feeling this way.”

  “Believe it or not, I can relate to that.” Eden tapped her finger against her chin. “For a long time after my sister, Mia, died, I couldn’t bear to say anything negative about her to anyone. But as time wore on, I could admit to myself our relationship wasn’t perfect. I think I needed to accept that when she died, our relationship would never get to the place I’d always hoped it would. It was hard to give her up, but it was also hard to give up the dreams I had for our future.”

  “What did your dreams look like?”

  A small smile played on her lips. “I envisioned Christmases at my family’s ranch where we’d sit around a tall Christmas tree with our kids and bake cookies and sip cocoa and watch movies on television. I figured we’d grow closer as we got older.”

  The image touched Nicole. She’d always wanted something similar. “I’m sorry you’ll never have that with Mia.”

  “I am, too. And I’m sorry you won’t have Aaron to grow old with.”

  Nicole tried to picture this Christmas if Aaron hadn’t passed away. They’d be buying gifts for the triplets, decorating with the ugly blue and silver bulbs he’d bought, and she really wouldn’t have minded them because the only thing that mattered was being with her loved ones.

  Lord, since You brought Aaron home to be with You, I’ve had to adjust my dreams. I know he’s in paradise. It’s hard to be the one left behind. But You’ve blessed me even through the tears and pain. It’s strange, but I don’t miss my old life with the same intensity I used to.

  “Maybe you don’t have to give up on the entire dream, Eden.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You can still have some of those things—the husband and kids around the Christmas tree and the laughter and hot cocoa.”

  Eden gave her head a small, sad shake. “Mom and Dad are selling the ranch. Mia’s gone. I haven’t had a date in—” she ticked off her fingers “—years and years. I don’t see it happening.”

  “If you’d told me at this time last year that I’d be a widow with triplet babies and living back in Rendezvous, I would have been so terrified, I would have started vomiting and never stopped.” She handed Eden a bottle and took the other two. “But God has given me peace, and I don’t understand how or why, but most of the time, I’m okay.”

  “He doesn’t give as the world gives.” Eden wrapped her arm around Nicole’s shoulders and gave her a little squeeze. “Thanks, Nicole.”

  “If you look at what you want, it boils down to love and connection. There’s a guy out there who is going to love you so fiercely it will take your breath away. And, as for the connection, you’ll always miss Mia, but you’ve got a roomful of friends who are always up for hot cocoa and laughter.”

  “You’re right.” Eden smiled. “When I think about what I have, it helps me be content.”

  Nicole gestured for Eden to follow her back to the living room. Mason came up to them, and Eden joined Gabby and Brittany and the babies.

  “I’m going to talk to Judd for a while. Are you doing okay?” Mason was tall with dark blond hair, a lean frame and a heart of gold. He had an identical twin, Ryder, who lived in Los Angeles. Together they equaled two times the gorgeous. Nicole considered Mason a good friend.

  “Moving in to this cabin has helped. I’m so thankful to have my own place.”

  “I’m glad. If you need to talk, I’m here. The first Christmas after Mia died was rough. And with Noah being a baby at the time, well, I was pretty exhausted. I spent more time riding out on my ranch than I probably should have. Trying to keeping busy. Avoiding my thoughts. I just wanted you to know we’re all praying for you.”

  “Thanks, Mason.” Was she doing the same? Keeping busy to avoid her thoughts? “I feel better than I have in a long time, so I’m going to hold on to that feeling as long as I can.”

  “Good.” He nodded. “I’d better go find Judd.”

  Nicole joined her friends and handed them the bottles.

  “...and then the woman shrieked like a peacock...” Gabby could barely hold in her laughter as she told them about one of the guests at the hotel stepping on a snake outside.

  Nicole settled in next to Brittany on the couch. Last year she’d been isolated. Throughout her marriage, she’d never made friends beyond the mentor-like relationship she’d had with her boss, Delia. Look at her now. Nicole had an entire community helping her out. She had close friends who truly cared about her.

  Judd came to mind, and she sighed. She’d never admit it out loud, but she was attracted to him. And the thought of going to Christmas Fest together, just the two of them, had filled her with a new kind of excitement.

  When Mom started dating Steve, her eyes had sparkled with the same excitement. She’d run to her room to take Steve’s calls. She’d spent hours preening and prepping to go out with him.

  If it meant becoming like her mother, Nicole didn’t want to be excited about going to the festival with Judd.

  But Saturday wasn’t a date. Judd wasn’t interested in her like that.

  She sighed.

  That thought depressed her even more than the fear of becoming her mother.

  It was fine and all to not spend every day in the fetal position grieving for Aaron, but it was an entirely other thing to be excited about spending time with another man. She’d better watch herself. She didn’t want to be like he
r mother. And something told her with Judd she was dangerously close to it.

  * * *

  “What did you want to talk to me about?” Mason Fanning entered the stables wearing an almost-identical outfit to Judd’s: a black work coat, jeans and cowboy boots.

  “Thanks for coming.” Judd removed his leather gloves to take a break from mucking horse stalls. He’d called Mason after church and asked him if he planned on coming to Nicole’s with Brittany this afternoon. When Mason answered in the affirmative, Judd had asked him if he could pick his brain about something.

  “No problem, man.” Mason strode over. “We’re trying to support Nicole as much as possible right now.”

  “I’m glad she has all of you.”

  “We feel the same about her.” Mason studied him. “She’s doing better out here, you know. Your cabin...it’s been good for her. I think she’s healing.”

  Judd hoped so. He wanted her to be happy.

  “We brought a few Christmas decorations over for her. Figured she might need some help getting the season’s cheer in there.” Mason leaned his forearm against the corner of a stall.

  “How did she react?” The Christmas music hadn’t gone over well yesterday, and he didn’t want her upset.

  “She liked it. Said it made the room cozy.”

  Judd had the squirrelly feeling he got whenever he wasn’t sure what to say. “You want to go back to my house for a minute?”

  “Nah. It’s not snowing yet. I won’t be able to drag Brittany away from the babies for a while. Why don’t we ride?”

  A man after his own heart. “You can saddle Diesel. I’ll ride Candy.” Judd led the way to the tack room. Then they gathered the horses and saddled them.

  “I knew Diesel was big, but up close, he must be sixteen hands.” Mason let out a low whistle, stroking the horse’s neck. “Shiniest coat I’ve ever seen. Look at that color. Pure mahogany. He’s a beauty.”

  “He is a fine piece of horseflesh. He’s sweet on Candy, too, so you’ll have no trouble keeping him in line.”

  They headed out to the far pasture where part of the herd grazed. Under a white sky, the mountains looked purple and imposing in the distance. The wind bit at his cheeks, and he sensed the snowstorm sure to come.

  As they neared the cattle, Judd slowed Candy and faced Mason. “I love this land, these animals, with every cell in my body. It’s in my blood. My soul.”

  “I know.” Mason nodded. “I feel the same about my ranch.”

  “That’s why I wanted to talk to you.” A sudden case of the nerves attacked. He didn’t want to sound stupid. But Mason was a good guy, a rancher like him. Judd could trust him. He blew out a breath. “I’m trying to do some long-term planning. Estate planning. And I’m at a loss. I...I don’t want the entire town knowing.”

  There. He’d gotten it out.

  “I understand, man.” Mason craned his neck to take in the vast spread. “It’s hard not knowing what will happen to it.”

  “Exactly.” His shoulders relaxed.

  “Obviously, Brittany and Noah and any future kids we have will inherit my ranch.”

  Judd nodded.

  “But if I was in your shoes, I probably would have reached out to a neighbor to find out if they would want the additional land. The McCoys or TJ Hartford would be your best options. Your place is too far for some of the others to take over your herd.”

  He hadn’t thought of that, but what Mason said made sense.

  “If you don’t want to do that, consider your best ranch hands. One of them would likely treasure this place and keep it running the way you do now.” Mason patted Diesel’s neck. “There’s another option, too, you know. You could make it easy on yourself.”

  “How so?” Judd wasn’t big on Cash McCoy or his older brother. They were both a little too wild and flirtatious with the ladies for his taste. And TJ Hartford’s ranch had been neglected ever since the oldest boy, Rhett, left town years ago. The ranch-hand idea hadn’t been Judd’s favorite when Stu mentioned it, but, if push came to shove, he might have to go that route.

  “Get married and have some kids,” Mason said. “There are a lot of women around here who would make you happy. Most of us took over family ranches from our parents or grandparents.”

  His brain instantly went to Nicole.

  “Eden’s single,” Mason continued. “And Misty and...”

  The cold breeze sent a shiver down his spine. Like he needed anything else to think about. His mind was full up on things he didn’t want in there. Naming an heir in his will. Being the subject of gossip around town. How much he was drawn to Nicole. How the triplets had stolen his heart.

  “I don’t think so.” He was not getting married to Eden or Misty or...the pretty widow living down the lane.

  Mason laughed. “Just giving you something to think about. Not everyone wants to raise cattle, anyhow. My son might decide to do something else when he grows up. I hope not, but I would respect his decision.”

  “I appreciate your suggestions,” Judd said. “But I’m not getting married anytime soon.”

  “If you say so.” Mason smirked.

  He did say so. And he wasn’t changing his mind.

  Why was he asking these ranchers how to plan his future, anyhow? They didn’t know the first thing about what he needed. He tightened his grip on the reins and wheeled Candy around to head back. He was a loner. Quiet. Reserved.

  And he wasn’t going to risk everything with the one woman he couldn’t stand to lose.

  Chapter Seven

  Nicole piped delicate loops of icing to represent the molding on one of the gingerbread walls Thursday after supper. Judd was currently in the living room talking to the triplets as they played in their bouncy seats. With a critical eye to her workmanship, she straightened. Delia would be proud of her. Nicole hadn’t lost her decorating touch after a year away from it. This house was going to be stunning, and Judd’s help was making it possible.

  Every evening this week, he’d been taking care of the triplets while she decorated the walls of the house. Sometimes he sat on a stool across the counter from her and kept an eye on the babies while she piped. Other times, he soothed their cries or played with them. Last night, Eli had finally rolled over like his siblings.

  Her babies were thriving here. And so was she.

  Only two more days until Christmas Fest. Nicole couldn’t wait. Tomorrow she’d make the cupcakes for the bake sale while Jane watched the children in the morning.

  “I have to hand it to you—the walls look really nice.” Judd had picked up Amelia and carried her over. “You’re sure all the frosting won’t get messed up when we put them together?”

  “Stop worrying about it.” She winked and stepped back, pastry bag in hand, to survey the finished wall. A few lines were shaky, but overall, the Victorian details were spot-on. “You’ll have to trust me on this.”

  “I figured you put the walls together first and decorate it last.”

  “My boss was an expert gingerbread-house maker. She won competitions. People drove from other towns to see her displays. She taught me all her secrets.”

  “Okay, I trust you. And I have to admit, I never thought you’d be able to do all this and take care of three babies.” He looked down at Amelia and tickled under her chin. The baby giggled, and Nicole’s heart flip-flopped. It did every time she saw him interacting with the babies. He was so good with them. And they seemed to love him right back.

  “I couldn’t have done it without your help.” She bent to inspect the windowpanes. “If you weren’t entertaining them, these walls would be bare.”

  “I’m not doing much.”

  He always said that. And Nicole didn’t get it. He’d helped her change their diapers on more than one occasion. Moved them to their bouncy seats or the play mat when they got tired and antsy. Given them
their pacifiers when they cranked. He did a lot. More than most guys would.

  Why hadn’t one of the local women snatched this hunky family man up?

  “Judd?” She shouldn’t ask, but they’d been getting to know each other better all week and she needed to know. “How is it that you’ve never been married?”

  He started coughing, his face growing red.

  “I’m sorry.” Her and her big mouth. What if he’d been engaged, or a girlfriend had broken his heart? She should have left well enough alone. “It’s none of my business.”

  “I’m not like you.” He didn’t meet her eyes.

  What did he mean by that? She set the pastry bag down and gave him her full attention. “O-kay.”

  “I’m not like any of you.”

  Now she really didn’t know what he meant. “You don’t want to get married? You like being alone?”

  “I’m comfortable being alone. I’m not comfortable being around other people all the time.”

  Was decorating with her a sacrifice he was making for his aunt and nothing more? She’d thought he was enjoying their time together the way she was.

  “Well, in a few more weeks you won’t have to do this. The house will be finished.” She hated even thinking that far ahead. She liked having supper with him, and she really liked having him here while she worked on his aunt’s gift. After Christmas they’d still eat together, but there wouldn’t be a reason for him to stick around. Maybe he was counting down the days until he could have his evenings to himself again.

  And why wouldn’t he? What guy wanted to babysit and change diapers while watching someone pipe icing? It couldn’t be a thrill for him.

  “I don’t have to do this, Nicole,” he said quietly. “I want to.”