The Cowboy's Christmas Blessings

by Jill Kemerer

  It hadn’t been a good idea to take her around the festival. People assumed they were a couple, and they weren’t. Plus, it was glaringly obvious he was not her type. For one, there was his age. For another, she was so bright and friendly to everyone, and he was...not. There were other reasons as well, even if he couldn’t name them at the moment.

  Still, he’d promised her they would do whatever she wanted. So they’d attempted to ice-skate. It had not gone well. But he’d held her hand the third time she fell as she dissolved into laughter, and he’d always cherish the memory.

  “Next year the babies will be walking.” She took another apple slice out of the cup he held. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and she had a sparkle about her. His mouth grew dry. If there had been mistletoe nearby, he would have been tempted to kiss her. “I’m kind of looking forward to starting my own traditions with them. We’ll sprinkle glittery reindeer food on the lawn on Christmas Eve and leave special cookies by the fireplace. And I know they’re going to love Christmas Fest. I can’t wait until they’re old enough to do the crafts and get their pictures with Santa.”

  She’d said we’ll. Did that mean she was including him? Or was it a general thing? Because he’d been able to picture himself doing all of those things with her and the triplets. And, more than that, he wanted to.

  All of his life, he’d liked the idea of having a wife and kids, but he’d never actually seen himself having them. Until Nicole came along.

  “Nicole!” Mrs. Jenkins, a retired schoolteacher, shoved through a group of teens to stand before them. She held something in her hand. “I’m glad I finally caught you. I saw you earlier and rushed back home to get these pictures. I was looking through old photographs a few weeks ago and came across these. I figured you’d want them.” The corners of her mouth tugged down in sympathy.

  “Thank you.” Nicole took the small stack of pictures, glanced at them and blanched. Judd wondered what was on them for her mood to change so quickly.

  Mrs. Jenkins patted her hand. “I’m sure this holiday season has been hard on you. We’re all thinking of you and those babies. We loved Aaron. He was one of my favorite students. It’s a shame he was taken so young.”

  “Yes.” Her voice sounded strangled. “It is.”

  “It’s good to see you here, Nicole.” With a sympathetic look, the woman turned and left.

  Nicole stared at the pictures in her hand. Judd was pretty sure he could reach out and touch the air of dejection surrounding her. One of the pictures floated to the ground. He bent to pick it up.

  Nicole’s smiling face as a teenager beamed back at him. A tall blond kid—handsome, with a cocky smile—had his arm around her shoulders. They looked like they fit together. The perfect couple.

  Fumbling, he handed it to her. “Here.”

  She slid them all into her coat pocket and shivered, her eyes blank. “Can we get out of here?”

  “Yes.” He tried to usher her forward, but she stepped away from his touch.

  He clenched his jaw. He’d been fooling himself with all this together time. Worse, Nicole was supposed to be enjoying herself, but her day had been ruined.

  They strode in silence past the food trucks and happy families. Christmas music came from the sidewalk. All afternoon he’d felt like he belonged at the festival. He’d enjoyed the activities and been comfortable by Nicole’s side. And now he felt detached from it all.

  Christmas Fest, like most other social events he attended, was for other people. Not for him.

  When they reached the side road where they’d parked a few blocks down, Nicole stopped in her tracks.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked.

  “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Tears formed in her eyes.

  She could only mean him.

  “What kind of person am I?” She met his eyes, and he was struck by the pain in them. “I’m running around a festival having fun without my babies. A year ago, I was holding Aaron’s hand while we waited for test results. And today I haven’t thought about him at all, Judd. Not once. I...I feel sick.”

  She swayed, and Judd wrapped his arm around her shoulders to keep her upright.

  “Easy does it. Do you think you’re going to pass out?” He was surprised he sounded so calm, because inside he was quaking. Everything she said nailed to his conscience.

  “No, I’m not physically sick. I’m...” She straightened, her eyes imploring him. “I’m a horrible person.”

  “Don’t. Don’t do that. None of this...” He stared up at the sky, trying desperately to find the right words. How could he make her understand? “None of this is your fault. Your husband died, and I know you loved him. The whole town knows it. And those pictures—you guys just looked right together. But you’ve had an awful year. You deserve to come out and enjoy yourself. You can have a life, too. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Shaking her head, she started walking again. She wiped under her eyes. He didn’t want her to cry. He’d do just about anything to take away her pain.

  “I don’t want to be like my mom.” She seemed to grow taller as she marched forward.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She’s never happy unless she’s with a man.”

  “What does that have to do with you?”

  “I will not turn into her. My kids are number one in my life, and I never want them to think otherwise.”

  “No one would ever think that, let alone your children.”

  “Oh, yeah?” She stopped and turned to face him. “Tell that to Mom’s friend Linda, who stopped us earlier. Tell that to Mrs. Jenkins. They probably think I’m trying to wrap you around my finger.”

  “You?” He let out a nervous laugh. “No one would think that. If anything, they’d think less of me.”

  She shook her head as if he’d said something idiotic. “I don’t think so.”

  He had to be honest with her. “I’m a good ten years older than you. It’s off-putting for people to see an older guy with a beautiful young widow.”

  Her mouth dropped open. Then her eyes clouded. She rolled her eyes. “When are you going to get it in your head you’re not an old man? My word. No one thinks it’s weird for us to be together at Christmas Fest for any reason other than the fact I should be mourning, not living it up.”

  Part of him wanted to pump his fist in the air that she didn’t seem to see their age difference as a problem. But the other part couldn’t forget the picture of her and Aaron. They’d looked right together. They had history. Children.

  She’d never feel for Judd what he felt for her. It was time to put a stop to this attraction to her before his heart got buried for good.

  Chapter Nine

  Things between her and Judd had been strained all week.

  Wednesday evening, Nicole piped a thick swirl of chocolate frosting onto the final dozen cupcakes Mrs. Beverly requested. Orders for holiday cookie trays and pies had been coming in since Sunday. Word about her baking had hit Rendezvous like a sudden snowstorm. And she was glad. It would be the perfect way for her to earn income. For now, at least. Maybe someday she’d even open her own bakery.

  Baking was a welcome distraction from her current problems. Ever since the words beautiful young widow had come out of Judd’s mouth on Saturday, she’d replayed them again and again.

  He thought she was beautiful?

  She didn’t feel beautiful. She’d always just been Aaron’s girlfriend. Then Aaron’s wife. So for Judd to call her beautiful? Well, it had been heady.

  With a final flourish of her pastry bag, she finished the cupcakes and liberally sprinkled red and green nonpareils over them before carefully placing them into a white cardboard box.

  With a big yawn, she worked the kinks out of her neck, then wiped the counter and washed the decorator tip in sudsy water. Her pajamas were calling her name.
/>   Her cell phone rang. The screen showed that it was Mom. As she headed down the hall to her bedroom, she answered it. “How’s Florida?”

  “Overcast today, but it was sixty-two, so I’ll take it. How are the babies?”

  “They’re great. They had a checkup on Tuesday, and they’re all gaining weight.”

  “Even Amelia?”

  “Yes, just not as much as the boys.” Propping the phone between her ear and shoulder, she opened her dresser drawers to find her favorite pajamas.

  “Did you have any trouble getting them to the appointment? Or did Judd help you? Linda told me how cozy you two looked at Christmas Fest. Atta girl.”

  How did one respond to that? She wished she could think of a snappy reply off the top of her head like Gabby would, but she settled for the truth. “We went as friends.”

  “Sure, Nicki. Just keep going as friends and you’ll do fine.”

  Irritation boiled over. “I’m not like that.”

  “Like what?” She sounded taken aback.

  Like you. “It was a way to get out of the house. Nothing more.”

  “Well, I suppose he is older than you. Aren’t you attracted to him a little?”

  Yes. Too much. “He’s happy being single, and I’m not...” She almost said ready, but she wasn’t sure if that was true. Part of her felt ready. She’d taken so many steps this year, and now that she was getting all these bakery orders, she wasn’t as worried about her future.

  “Okay, okay, I get it. You’re not over Aaron. I understand. He could have proposed to you in third grade and you would have accepted. But at some point it’s okay to admit he’s gone and there might be another Mr. Right for you.”

  For the first time in ages, her mom had said something useful. “Do you think so?”

  “I know so. Look at me. Steve and I are having so much fun. I have two job interviews coming up, and he starts working for a cooling company next week. It’s all working out.”

  “It’s a little different for me.” Nicole scrunched her nose in distaste. She had no desire to just have fun with a guy. She wanted steadiness, a commitment. Her mom had dated several men over the years. When Nicole was young, she’d clung to the guys, believing they would be her new daddy. But none of them lasted. And in some ways, it had jaded her.

  “I can see you aren’t going to listen to me.” Mom let out a disgruntled sigh. “Have you talked to Stella?”

  “No, I haven’t. I called a few times and texted, but she only texts me back short replies.”

  “I finally got ahold of her this week. Looks like she’s dating the owner of the swanky hotel where she’s working.”

  Nicole’s spirits sank. For years, her little sister had taken after their mother, and it hadn’t led her to lasting happiness.

  “He’s taking her to Europe in January. Can you believe that? She’s done good for herself...”

  Nicole couldn’t listen to her mother rave about Stella’s poor choices as if they were a good thing. “I think one of the babies needs me. I’ve got to go.”

  “Okay. Kiss them for me.”

  “I will.”

  Her mother hung up first, and Nicole tossed the phone on the bed. She thought about Stella up in Vancouver, dating some bigwig she worked for. It didn’t seem like a good situation. In fact, it sounded an awful lot like Mom’s current situation, except with a guy who had money. She wanted to warn her sister to take it slow, to get to know the guy before flying off to Europe with him. But Stella never listened to her.

  After putting on her pajamas, Nicole padded to the living room, plopped down on the couch and sighed. Who was she to talk? She’d been spending a lot of time with Judd, and yes, she’d gotten to know him all year, but this arrangement of theirs added an intimacy she hadn’t been prepared for.

  Every day she planned meals she thought he might like. She counted down the minutes until supper, anticipating when he’d knock on the door. Earlier this evening, she’d finished piping the moldings onto all the walls and sent the decorated walls home with him so Gretchen wouldn’t see them when she helped with the triplets.

  Nicole had gotten close to Judd in a very short amount of time. Just like her mom. Just like Stella.

  Her in-laws would be here in two days. What if they picked up on her feelings toward Judd? She couldn’t bear to have them think less of her.

  She crushed a throw pillow into her stomach.

  Why was life so complicated?

  * * *

  Judd had been trying to distract himself from Nicole all week. It wasn’t easy. Thursday morning he finished checking cattle and looked up at the sky. Blue without a cloud in sight. The snow from last week was packed down, making it easy to navigate on horseback. He’d decided today was the day to find out what Dallas and Clay would do if they owned his property. If either of their answers pleased him, he’d seriously consider naming one of them in his will.

  Dallas circled his horse around the herd and came back to where Judd sat on Candy.

  “All set?” Judd asked.

  “All accounted for.”

  Clay rode up, too. “Green tag 338 looks good today.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. She worried me on Monday. I’d hate to see her lose the calf she’s carrying.”

  They compared notes on the overall health of the herd before turning to head back.

  Judd wanted to have his estate plan settled before the new year, but it was looking less and less likely each day he wasted trying to figure out who would be the best person to leave the ranch to.

  Every night he prayed for guidance, but he still didn’t know what to do.

  Earlier this week, he’d talked to an estate lawyer who put him in contact with a wealthy big-game hunter known for preserving land. Judd had no intention of seeing his property get converted from cattle ranching to big-game hunting. However, Dallas or Clay might feel differently, and if they did, it would affect his decision.

  “You guys ever hear of Jim Reed?” Judd glanced from side to side as each cowboy flanked him.

  “Is he a country singer?” Dallas, a lanky twenty-eight-year-old, glanced his way.

  “Sounds like that NFL coach. No, wait. I’m thinking of Andy Reid.” Clay, the more serious of the two, was a large man with a full beard.

  “He’s a big-game hunter. He’s looking for a property like mine. I talked to him a few days ago.”

  “You’re not selling the place, are you?” Clay’s bushy eyebrows furrowed.

  Judd straightened. Maybe Clay felt the connection to the land, too.

  “If the price is right, he is.” Dallas guffawed.

  That was what he’d been afraid of. Dollar signs could sway a person.

  “I have no plans to sell the ranch.” Judd sat tall in his saddle. “Even if Jim rattled off a seven-figure offer. Would you?”

  “Seven figures, huh?” Clay gripped the reins with his leather-gloved hands.

  “I’d sign that deal as soon as he set it on the table,” Dallas said. Judd wasn’t surprised.

  “What about you, Clay?” Judd held out hope the man would defend the ranch. “It would mean selling off the herd.”

  “I can’t work cattle forever.” Clay shivered. “I’d sell. Buy a few acres so I could keep my horse and retire young. Yes, that’s what I would do. But, boss, we know you aren’t the type to retire. Sometimes I think these cows are your family, you dote on ’em so much. You wouldn’t sell this place in a million years.”

  It was true. Judd faced straight ahead, not wanting either cowboy to see how disappointed he was. But hadn’t he known this all along? No one loved this land the way he did. Dallas and Clay were his employees, hired hands, and they didn’t own the ranch or bear the responsibility when a calf died or a drought hit. He couldn’t expect them to be as emotionally invested in this place as he was.

/>   But it didn’t take away his disappointment.

  At Christmas Fest, he’d been struck by Nicole’s statement that enjoying the festival made her feel normal. He knew exactly what she meant. He’d been trying to feel normal his entire life, and for the past few weeks, he’d gotten a glimpse of what it felt like.

  Being around her made him feel normal. Like any other guy.

  All week she’d been quiet. He’d watched her take her time decorating every gingerbread wall, and the sections all sat in his kitchen waiting to be assembled. Next week was Christmas, and his gingerbread days with Nicole would be over.

  Maybe it was better this way. He enjoyed spending time with Nicole and the babies too much. Last Saturday had brought him back to reality—she wasn’t his and never would be. He’d better make peace with it soon or he might never return to his own kind of normal. And then where would he be?

  * * *

  “Your packages arrived.” Judd carried two large boxes stacked on top of each other into Nicole’s cabin at supper time. He set them along the wall next to the door. “There are three more in my truck. I’ll be right back.”

  “Thank you!” Nicole wiped her hands on a dish towel, took a pair of scissors out from the drawer and hurried to the boxes. She’d ordered pale pink and mint-green candies to finish decorating the gingerbread house once she and Judd assembled it. She’d also ordered several Christmas gifts and fancy cardboard containers for her baked items. Presenting a professional package to her clients was important to her.

  Mrs. Beverly had picked up her cupcakes this morning and oohed and aahed over the babies. She’d made an offhand comment about how they made everything triply sweet, and Nicole had been mulling over the phrase ever since.

  Triply Sweet. Had a nice ring to it. It would make a catchy name for her home business.

  Judd came back inside with another large box, set it next to the other two and left again.

  She sliced through the packing tape of the first box and peeked inside. Baby toys—three of each—scarves for her girlfriends and a gorgeous plaid wool blanket for Judd. She closed the flaps and hauled the box to her bedroom so he wouldn’t see his gift. It had been a splurge, but the red, black and gray blanket had looked manly and warm and perfect for him. He’d done so much for her.