Her Last Secret

by Barbara Copperthwaite

  She fell silent. Harry didn’t fill it. He was trying to get his head around what she was saying. In a weird way, it made sense.

  ‘You’re hurting yourself to stop the hurt. But like, you’re in control of this pain, and it’s the being in control that helps… is that right?’

  ‘Kind of. I suppose. I’ve never thought about the being in control bit, but it does sound right now you’ve said it. It just gets the pain out of me. I – I like it.’

  She took his hand, guiding it in the dark. ‘Here, can you feel that?’

  He nodded. Realised she couldn’t see, so said he could. A little bump of scar tissue under his fingertips. Then another and another. They criss-crossed her belly.

  So many emotions choked him up. He cleared his throat, trying to unblock the feelings so he could speak.

  ‘Rubes? I know it helps, but I don’t think you should do it no more. I think next time you want to do it, you should call me and I’ll be here, right away.’

  And if anyone ever made her feel like crap about herself again, if anyone made her so desperately full of pain that she was overflowing with it, he was going to find them and hurt them. He was a Woolwich boy. Woolwich boys meant business.

  ‘You know that saying about being a big fish in a little pond?’ Ruby said suddenly.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Well, I don’t even feel like a little fish. I’m what the fish feed on. But maybe I need to do something about it to convince everyone I’m a shark. Like those lads Klebold and Harris. Maybe they had the right idea after all.’

  ‘That way everyone leaves you alone once and for all.’ He gave a slow nod.

  Ruby lifted up his arm and stole beneath it. Wriggled against him until she found the perfect place to rest her head.

  ‘I don’t want to watch anything, but tell me more about Columbine,’ she begged quietly.

  In the soft, sing-song voice his mum had used back in the day when she was reading bedtime stories, before things had got so bad, he whispered tales of hatred, revenge, mass shootings, and bombs that hadn’t gone off as planned.

  His girlfriend’s head grew heavier and heavier, but he only stopped talking once she was fast asleep. He listened to her breathing, and his own breaths grew slower, his lids heavier…

  Sixty-Seven

  CHRISTMAS DAY

  Ogundele had seen all sorts over the years, as he rose through the ranks of the Met. But every time he thought he couldn’t be surprised something happened that shocked him.

  An entire family wiped out by an angry teenager.

  He thought for a moment, taking the pieces of what he had seen and fitting them together. Creating a working theory, though he would wait for forensic reports to confirm them. Because he still didn’t feel as if he was seeing the whole picture. Instincts honed over years of policing were making his skin itch in curiosity.

  Sixty-Eight

  THURSDAY 23 DECEMBER

  TWO DAYS TO GO

  Mouse practically bounced down the stairs that morning, almost tripped over her slippers as she went.

  Christmas was so close now, so very close.

  She ran over to her advent calendars, carefully opening the flaps to discover what was inside. A bell, covered in snow and glitter; the baby Jesus in his manger; Rudolph with his bright red nose. And on the inside of each of the doors it proclaimed, ‘two days to go’. Her stomach flipped in anticipation.

  Two sleeps left. Eek.

  She squeaked like her namesake and did a happy dance. She was going to burst. But no one else was up yet. She raced back up the stairs, slipping once in her haste, then stood on the landing looking at the two closed bedroom doors – her parents’ and her sister’s. Her head swivelled back and forth between them, trying to decide who to share her excitement with.

  Ruby. Maybe it would make her smile.

  In her excitement, Mouse knocked but didn’t wait for a reply, just flung open the door, bounced inside, flipping the light on, leaped onto the bed.

  And screamed.

  And screamed.

  And screamed.

  There was a stranger in Ruby’s bed.

  The duvet beneath her bucked violently. She was thrown to the floor, banging her head against the bedside cabinet. Ow. The man was standing up, looming over her. That made her scream even more. The piercing sound made her ears ring, but she couldn’t stop.

  Ruby bent in front of her, face level with hers, saying something. But Mouse couldn’t hear, not over her own screaming, and she had forgotten how to stop.

  Then Mummy was there, scooping her into her arms, and she felt safe. Daddy was there, too. Shouting at the man, making him leave.

  Mouse buried her head into Mummy’s neck and watched everything, eyes wide, as the world started to scream with her.

  Sixty-Nine

  Amber burrowed into her mum. She had stopped screaming as soon as Dominique took hold of her, but then Ruby had taken over, and Benjamin was doing a pretty good job of bawling everyone out.

  Was this real? Was Dom trapped in one of her nightmares, and any second now she would wake?

  Dom’s ears were ringing, as she took in the scene. Trying to drink in every detail to work out if she was awake or asleep.

  That boyfriend of Ruby’s, Harry Porter, was standing bold as brass in his jeans and socked feet. Hands out as if trying to calm everything down. Who was he trying to fool? He wasn’t wearing a top and Dominique could see that although he was scrawny, he was strong, dark skin rippling over ripped physique.

  Fiona’s comments leaped into Dom’s mind. Harry was from a rough area. He’d been raised surrounded by drugs, theft, violence; fighting was probably second nature to him. He could lash out, hurt them. He might have a knife – hadn’t Fiona mentioned something about knife crimes being rife? Dom pulled Mouse that little bit tighter against her, protecting her child.

  Benjamin stepped right up to him, shoving his nose against Harry’s, every muscle clenched. Dom didn’t think she’d ever seen him so furious. A vein in his temple stood out, and his face was red. Benjamin had once been a powerhouse of solid muscle and he was still impressive when he wanted to be, despite the barrel chest slipping down to his stomach.

  ‘What the fuck are you doing in my house? If you’ve touched my daughter, I swear to God,’ he growled.

  ‘No, no! I swear—’

  Ruby tugged at her dad’s shoulders with both hands, virtually jumping on his back. Yelling and wailing incoherently, thin legs stamping furiously, fully on show because she was only wearing a T-shirt.

  All hell was breaking loose.

  Dominique put a hand down to the carpet and wiggled her fingers into the thick pile. Definitely real. She felt Mouse trembling beside her.

  This was real.

  ‘On three, we’ll run out of here, yes?’ she whispered into her youngest child’s ear. A nod of agreement. She took tight hold of Mouse’s hand, then…

  ‘One, two, three.’

  They jumped up and ran from the room, leaving the carnage behind them. In Mouse’s room, Dom snatched up her daughter’s bear and passed him over.

  ‘I want you to stay here and look after Ted, okay? He’ll be worried by all the shouting, so you keep him safe and let him know there’s nothing to be scared of. Can you do that?’

  Mouse nodded, eyes like saucers. She clutched Ted to her, as if her life depended on it.

  ‘I’m going to go back into Ruby’s room and calm things down, okay? But don’t forget, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Sit tight.’

  The last thing Dom wanted to do was abandon her little girl, but the shouting was getting worse; incomprehensible insults punctuated by swearing and scuffling.

  Ruby was between her dad and her boyfriend. Jaw jutting forward in stubborn fury. Harry held her back. Benjamin had five lines of red across his face where she had clearly slapped him. He looked about ready to explode. Dominique mustered all her calm, all her ice queen persona, to glide into the middle of the spectacle.
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  ‘Could everyone stop right now, please?’

  To her surprise – and by the look of it, theirs – everyone did.

  Harry broke the spell first.

  ‘Mrs Thomas, I know it looks dodgy, but I swear—’

  ‘Put your clothes on and leave,’ she said. ‘Now.’

  He scrabbled around, while Benjamin made rumbles of protest and Ruby started to whine that it wasn’t fair. With a quick backwards glance at Ruby, Harry hurried away.

  ‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ her daughter began. ‘Nothing happened. He just fell asleep, that’s all.’

  ‘He just fell asleep? When you’re both virtually naked?’ Benjamin bellowed.

  ‘What was he doing here in the first place, Ruby? You’re not even supposed to be speaking, let alone…’ Dominique trailed off and waved a hand uncertainly. ‘We’re not stupid. This is completely inappropriate behaviour.’

  ‘I should have torn him apart. You’re grounded for so long you will never see the light of day.’ Benjamin was working himself up from red to puce.

  ‘You’ve both got dirty minds,’ Ruby shouted.

  Dom held her hands out. ‘Stop. You are going to stay here and think about what you’ve done. Your father and I are going to discuss what will happen next.’

  Ruby didn’t protest. Instead, she folded her arms and slumped onto the bed, throwing murderous looks. Once upon a time Dom might have laughed at how melodramatic she could be, but now she felt a shiver of fear at her own daughter. There was no give to the glare; it was pure, unadulterated hatred.

  Dom shook as she left the room, and did her best to hide it behind her usual façade. Harry might come across as polite, and he had left meekly enough, but Dominique wasn’t willing to gamble on her little girl’s future any longer. The time for understanding and waiting for Ruby’s infatuation to burn itself out was over; she was far, far too young to be sharing a bed with someone.

  * * *

  She and her husband went to the kitchen and sat at the table. He looked as if he had been punched in the gut, his complexion fading from raging red to ashen. Dominique lay a gentle hand on his arm.

  ‘I’ll kill him.’ His voice seemed barely a whisper.

  ‘Not a good idea. But I do think we need to take action.’

  ‘Too right. I’m going to—’ he stood up again. Dominique’s hand tightened, trying to pull him back.

  ‘Benjamin, listen for a second.’

  ‘What? Are you going to say that we should try to understand her? Give her a hug? We’ve been too soft on her for too long.’

  ‘Actually, I was going to suggest we report him to the police. She’s underage. It’s statutory rape.’

  Benjamin nodded slowly, the cogs of his brain turning almost visibly. ‘No, that’s a good idea. Better than me beating the crap out of him and getting arrested myself.’

  ‘You agree with me?’ Dominique was surprised by how good it felt. For the first time in a long time, they were working as a team towards a common goal.

  ‘Definitely. Are you going to do the honours, or shall I?’

  A quick but frustrating call to the local police station by Benjamin soon revealed that the powers that be weren’t interested in pursuing the claim. Firstly, Ruby would turn sixteen in two months; secondly Harry was also underage; and, most importantly, there was no actual proof of any wrongdoing. Just as Benjamin started to change colour once more, Dominique had an idea.

  ‘This could work to our advantage. Hear me out. We tell Ruby and Harry that we won’t report him to the police – yet. But that if they contact one another ever again, we will. That way we get to look like we’re not being heavy-handed, we’re giving them the option to behave. They won’t dare risk getting into trouble with the police, and that fear will keep them apart.’

  Benjamin thought, then smiled. Took her hand and brought it to his lips. ‘See, that’s why I married you. You’re so much cleverer than I am.’

  ‘Don’t you forget it.’ Dominique smiled as she spoke, trapping the venom behind her perfect teeth.

  ‘I’m going to keep the shotgun under our bed from now on, though. I want it on hand to put the fear of God in that boy if he ever does come here again.’

  Typical Benjamin, always wanting to use a sledgehammer to crack a walnut.

  Seventy

  How much worse could Ruby’s life get? It was all Mouse’s fault. She should never have come bursting into her room like that. Poor Harry. Now her parents thought the worst, of course, and her bitch of a mum had come up with some crappy punishment. If they’d just listened to her instead of jumping to their perverted conclusions, but no, of course they weren’t going to do something as reasonable as that. They never listened to her. Instead, they accused her of all sorts, like she was no better than those people posting on the site believed she was.

  She could never have anything to do with Harry again, or he’d be arrested.

  Ruby’s pain was baptised with yet more tears. Until the impossible happened: she ran out of tears. No one would ever make her cry again, she vowed. She would never again be so stupid as to feel hope.

  She pulled out her ‘Book of Hate’ from its hiding place under the bed, and started to write a plan.

  * * *

  Jazmine was pacing up and down in front of Benjamin as she spoke. She was off on one again. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed.

  ‘Sorry, am I boring you?’ she snapped, pausing in front of him and tapping her foot.

  ‘Yeah, actually. Listen, I’ve had a crap day. I discovered my daughter in bed with someone, spent the morning tearing down a trellis so the little pervert can’t climb back into her bedroom, and now you’re nagging me about being late. I’m your partner, not your employee. What exactly is the problem?’

  ‘I want to know where the accounts are, Ben. Why aren’t they on our server, so I can access them?’

  ‘I don’t know – I’m not in IT. Get someone to look into it.’

  ‘You’re sure you’ve not done something to them? Deleted them?’ She didn’t take her eyes off his.

  He huffed, broke contact by rolling his eyes.

  ‘That’s right. I’ve hidden them away because I’ve been nicking from the business and don’t want you to find out.’ Now it was his turn to gaze at her. His mouth twitched. He turned it into a smile. ‘Look, I’m sorry I’m late. Let me call a computer whizz I know, see if he can sort it.’

  Her shoulders relaxed, whole demeanour changing. ‘If you don’t mind, that would be great.’

  ‘Not a problem.’

  ‘And Ben…’

  Inside his trouser pocket, his hand tightened into a fist.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear about your awful day. I hope things calm down at home soon.’

  When she left the room, he twiddled his thumbs for fifteen minutes then stuck his head around her office door.

  ‘Just to let you know, I’ve called my mate. He’s snowed under until after Christmas, but will look at it then. I told him that was okay; it’s only a few days away. But if you’d rather, I can try someone else.’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine. If you reckon he can fix it, I’m not in a massive hurry. Like you say, it’s only a few days, really.’

  A few days that might make all the difference between Benjamin and his family falling off the edge of a financial precipice, or living happily ever after.

  Seventy-One

  The last time Dominique had seen Dr Madden she had been about to turn twenty, but in the intervening years the décor of the waiting room had remained the same soothing colours. It was sleek, clean, calming and all so fresh and spotlessly clean.

  Dominique hadn’t told anyone but Fiona about her two p.m. appointment. After the drama of Ruby that morning, she had thought about cancelling. Instead, she had told Ruby she was nipping out, not informing her where she was going or when she would be back, so that the teen would have no clue how long she would be left alone. If she had told Benjamin, he probably woul
d have expected her to cancel, given the circumstances – there was no way he would have trusted their teenage daughter to be left home alone with Mouse. But he also wouldn’t have changed his own work schedule to help Dom out.

  She sat with her handbag resting on her lap. Every now and again she adjusted it slightly so it sat perfectly square, an even amount of thigh showing either side.

  She had been so nervous the first time she had come here, aged nineteen, her mum sitting one side and Fiona on the other; Fiona insisting on coming despite Dom’s shame at what she had done.

  She hadn’t meant it, though. She never would have hurt anyone when awake. It had been the screams that woke her, and there had been so much blood…

  ‘Dominique Thomas?’ The receptionist’s call shocked her from her memories, and she hurried into Dr Madden’s room.

  His hair was a uniform snow white now, even though he must only have been in his early sixties, but his friendly face was surprisingly wrinkle free. Life must have been good for the doctor in the intervening years.

  ‘Take a seat. How are you?’ he smiled.

  Now there was a loaded question. Dom knew better than to keep her mask on with Dr Madden. Instead, she offloaded everything. How she had discovered her husband was having an affair, how her daughter was causing her huge stress, and how Dom herself was struggling to cope. They discussed the dreams she had been having, and how the sleepwalking had now reared its ugly head once more.

  ‘After what happened before, I’m scared,’ explained Dom. ‘What if I hurt my family? If anything happened to my kids because of me, I couldn’t live with myself. I’d end it there and then.’