I Am Gamer

by Gabriel L Rathweg

  Adios,

  Colt

  (P.S. this note…)

  I tossed the vellum on the fire and it flared up again. It was then that I noticed my chattering teeth and that I couldn’t feel my toes, feet, and Mr. Happy. I reached out grabbing the wrap with increasingly numbing fingers and the second my tips touched that wonderfully soft amazingly warm material relief instantly flooded through my body and into my extremities.

  Now that I was sufficiently warm I breathed a sigh of relief and began the task of putting on the underwear. Now if you don’t know what Mawashi are then you, sir or madam, are missing out. The joy of wrapping cloth, no matter how soft, around your privates and culminating in a length shoved so far up your ass to hold it all together, is a joy that every man, woman, or LGBTQ should experience at least once in their lifetime. It was like having a wedgie but the worst wedgie ever inflicted in the history of wedgies.

  At least I was warm…

  TRACK 8 – WILD WILD LIFE – TALKING HEADS

  Right before Freak and I had begun our hike down the mountain I had gotten the ability to identify things when I looked at them, like with the underwear. The same thing had happened when I looked at Freak after that. His Character Sheet popped up. It read:

  NAME – Westley ‘Freak’ Wrath – Familiar

  PET CLASS – Battle Tiger – Purple – Legendary

  LEVEL – 1

  EXPERIENCE – 0/100

  HIT POINTS – 10

  WEAPONS – Claws x 4, Bite x 1

  ARMOR – Natural Hide

  There is one main animal companion to Jack-of-all-Trades. The class only allows up to three animal companions and the Familiar is the first of the three. By receiving a portion of his master’s experience the Familiar will level up and gain skills of its own alongside its master.

  After I closed the window I rechecked the campsite over numerous more times and didn’t found anything new. So with nothing better to do I shouldered my new pack, called my kitty to my side, and took off.

  If anything the mountains were more beautiful then before, still familiar but also a little off. It was like I recognized the place but not quite, almost if everything was just a little askew. The best way to describe it was that the whole world just seemed newer, more vibrant, and somehow more primal.

  The trees and plants were the same but bigger, greener, wilder. The mountain side had no pathways it was as it would have been if man had never set foot there. The air was so crisp and clean that each breath tasted of freshness and sunshine. Frankly, it was the most beautiful country vista I had ever seen, the most beautiful scenery I had ever been in, and five minutes into it I was bored as fuck.

  “Freak, can you keep watch out while we walk?” I asked my cat.

  “Rowr!” He replied, with growl then perked his ears up and began looking around as we walked.

  Wow… this new communication thing we had going on was pretty damn kick-ass. I pulled up the menu again and began reading, compartmentalizing my mind keeping one eye on the surroundings and one reading. I don’t know how or why, but I’ve always been able to do multiple things at one time. I called it compartmentalizing, I’m sure there’s a technical term for it. That along with my eidetic memory really helped me in most things.

  These abilities let me pay full attention to multiple different things at once and retain the information from each. For example, I could read a book and drive a car at the same time. Safe… no… but who do you think you are to judge me? He who hath no sin cast the first stone and all that.

  I looked over my body as I walked. Like the world around me my body had changed as well. Everything about me was bigger and more muscular. I had been six foot now I was almost six and half feet tall. I had abs on my abs. My skin was a bronzed tan and my hair was black. When I looked at my avatar on the screen I could still tell it was me but a bigger better version of me. It was like myself but version 2.0 the super me. Basically I was built like a superhero. It was hard to grasp the amount of change that I had gone through. When I was done admiring myself, which I only did for a little while… seriously… anyway, I picked the next glowing tab and the screen changed.

  SKILLS – Quick Learner… Parkour…

  ABILITIES – Total Recall… Renaissance Man… Babel Fish…

  “Rowr.” Freak growled, catching my attention.

  I closed the window and looked around. We’d made it down the mountain without incident, I think the giant steel grey and white tiger with me had something to do with nothing bothering us, and to the parking area where I had left my bike. Of course the parking area was gone and so was my motorcycle. The parking lot was replaced with a vibrant meadow replete with wild flowers in a myriad of colors and bright green ankle high grass. While that was nice and all what really caught my eye was the gigantic dark grey stallion that was standing there eating placidly in the middle of said meadow.

  The horse was huge, sixteen hands tall, and as long as a Volkswagen Beetle. The animal was magnificent. I could see the power in the muscles that rippled along its frame under its glossy coat. As if sensing me looking the horse raised its head and stared at me with bright green eyes and a white patch down the center of its face. We locked eyes and stared at each other, suddenly the information bubble popped up.

  NAME – Winston ‘Triumph’ Wrath– Mount

  PET CLASS – War Stallion – Purple – Legendary

  LEVEL – 1

  EXPERIENCE – 0/100

  HIT POINTS – 10/10

  WEAPONS – Hooves x 4, Bite x 1

  ARMOR – Natural Hide

  The Mount is the secondary animal companion to the Jack-of-all-Trades. The class only allows up to three animal companions and the mount is the second of the three. By receiving a portion of his master’s experience the mount will level up and gain skills of its own along with its master.

  The bubble disappeared with a thought and once again I was staring into the huge horse’s big green eyes. Ever so slowly I walked towards the massive animal. When I was a few feet away Winston put his head back down and began munching grass almost oblivious to my presence. It was then I noticed the dark green stripe on the horse’s nose alongside the white patch that went up and then down its back like a racing stripe. That was dope! This had definitely been my motorcycle, now it was my horse!

  I closed the rest of the distance and reached out gently placing my hand on my horse’s neck. A light whinny and snort were my response. I stroke the muscular neck and Winston pushed his neck into my hand as I petted him. Nice! I worked my way down to the middle of his back and gave it a harder pat. Winston didn’t move. Ok, here goes nothing. I placed both hands on his back and jumped up using my arms to push up and throw my left leg over his wide back.

  My new body was stronger and more athletic than I had realized and I made the maneuver with ease. Winston stopped eating and raised his head looking back at me as if saying, ok what now? Sweet! Now it was time to move on to the next task, bareback horse riding. I closed my eyes and used my Total Recall ability to access my memories.

  Like most people my age I was a YouTube junkie. The amount of information on it was staggering. For someone like me it was a treasure trove of resources. Most people watch videos to make them laugh, pass the time, or whatever it is they feel like doing to waste time. I watched the videos to learn things. As an avid student of history I was always fascinated with how our ancestors did the things they did.

  How do you build a campfire? What’s the proper way to groom and care for a horse? How do you build a forge? There were literally millions and millions of ‘How To’ videos out there and all that information was free for the taking if you wanted it. For example, there is this Swedish lady that goes out into the woods with nothing but an axe and in four hours has a campsite replete with lean to, fire pit with benches, and a wooden palisade. Another Italian dude built a forge from scratch in his backyard, with no modern components, and makes his own tools, weapons, and armor.

  Anyway I
digress, I closed my eyes and accessed a memory of bareback horseback riding that I had seen years back. It was of a Mongolian trick rider who had grown up on the Asian Steppe. Focusing on my recollection of the video I remembered how the rider had moved as the horse moved. How he had rocked his body with the motion of the horse. I laughed a bit because when I saw the video I had been young, thirteen exactly, and I thought the motion looked sexual.

  Looking back at my preteen self I realized I had been right! The motion did look sexual now that I had sex and new what it looked like when someone rode someone else. Memories of my ex and friend playing rodeo cowboy flashed in my mind involuntarily. Damn it! I shook my head, closed my eyes, and focused on the memory.

  TRACK 9 – YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE – NEW RADICALS

  SKILL LEARNED

  HORSEMANSHIP (LEVEL – 1)

  This skill enables the ability for basic riding of any type of horse or horse-like creature. This skill also imparts the knowledge to care for horses and other mount type animals. Subsequent levels will unlock different skill abilities.

  I opened my eyes and grinned to myself while dismissing the info screen. That was pretty amazing. My mind felt like someone had just blown peppermint and sunshine into it. Now I not only knew how to ride but all the ins and outs of taking care of a horse. Patting Winston on the neck I took a deep breath and blew it out. It was time to test this skill out.

  “Let’s rock Winston!” I called.

  He whinnied in response and bounded off.

  “Oh Shiiiiiiit!” I yelled as I fell backwards and off the giant horse.

  Even though I thought was ready for it, the speed and power of his takeoff took me by surprise. It was like taking off on a jet-ski times a hundred. Talk about horse power!

  “Ooof…” I hit the ground with a thud landing flat on my back and all the air was blown clear of my lungs. Followed quickly by my head knocking on the ground and then by my tailbone. Thankfully I didn’t black out. Whether that was due to my new physically enhanced body or that the meadow ground was pretty soft I didn’t know. It was like falling onto a wrestling mat.

  I stood up rubbing my head and butt then looking around like a dumb ass to see if anyone saw me. Who would see me I was alone? Well, not quite. Both Freak and Winston were looking at me and I swear they both had bemused expressions on their smug animal faces.

  “Yeah… yeah… yuck it up smart guys. We’ll see who’s laughing when it’s chow time.” I grumbled, shaking the last of the dizziness from the fall away.

  Still bitching to myself I climbed back onto my mocking horse and reset myself to try again.

  “Ok, round two.” I whispered under my breath then called out, “Let’s rock Winston!”

  This time I was doubly prepared for takeoff and when we rocketed from a standstill I squeezed on tightly with my thighs leaning all the way forward my hands grasping onto either side of Winston’s neck by his mane.

  Opening my eyes I looked down and saw the ground speeding by below us. I lifted my head up and released the death grip my thighs had on Winton’s sides and took the proper posture. My horse whinnied in response and picked up speed. Taking the proper stance and moving with Winston made a huge difference. We practically flew around the meadow.

  “Woohoo! Woohoo! Wooooohooooooo!” I screamed in pure joy as we sped back and forth across the hundred yard meadow.

  I don’t know how much time passed but it was so much fun I could have done that all day. A few times I caught Freak looking at me like I was an idiot but just stuck my tongue out at him and kept on going.

  “Woohoo! Woohoo! Wooohooooooo!” I yelled.

  Winston seemed to finally get bored with our running, turning, and jumping and slowed to a stop. There was a small stream that traveled through the meadow that we had been jumping over and he decided that was a good spot dipping his head to drink.

  “Great job Winston.” I cooed, patting my horse on the neck and stroking his soft coat as he whinnied in appreciation between gulps of water.

  Now that I was good at riding I decided to check out my saddlebags once again. I hopped down from Winston, retrieved the bags, and placed them gently over my mounts back. A few quick adjustments, a couple ties, and the bags were secure. Glances from Winston were all the annoyance he showed so I figured he was good with them.

  Accessing my bags inventory I reached in and pulled out a bow. My mind hadn’t been firing on all cylinders earlier but I finally remembered that there were other glowing things in my bags. The bow was beautiful. Wood so dark it was black and possessed of a fine grain. It was a composite bow and beautiful white bone created the bends. I quickly accessed its info.

  NANOOK’S COMPOSITE BOW OF SLAYING

  WEAPON TYPE – Composite War Bow

  NAME – Dark Wind

  DURABILITY – 500/500

  CLASS – Legendary

  UPGRADES – Far Sight

  DRAW WEIGHT – 150 lbs

  WEIGHT – 15 lbs

  DIMENSIONS – 60” by 33” Max Draw Length 40”

  The god Coyote’s hand made war bow given to him by the god Nanook, the Great White Eskimo Bear, in payment for a bet that the great bear god lost. These are scalable and grow with the owner’s level.

  The bow was amazing but the draw weight was so high! I had only ever used bows before that had a draw weight of forty pounds. I mean I knew I was different, stronger and stuff but damn! I quickly strung the bow then tested its draw. To my surprise it didn’t seem too bad. I set the weapon down, reached back into my saddlebags, and pulled out the next item.

  NANOOK’S QUIVER OF UNENDING ARROWS

  WEAPON TYPE – Composite War Bow Quiver

  NAME – Holster of the Dark Wind

  DURABILITY – 500/500

  CLASS – Legendary

  UPGRADES – Unlimited Ammo

  WEIGHT – 10 lbs

  DIMENSIONS – 36” by 6” by 6”

  The god Coyotes hand made tooled leather quiver given to him by the god Nanook, the Great White Eskimo Bear, in payment for a bet that the great bear god lost. These are scalable and grow with the owner’s level.

  I nodded in satisfaction as the window disappeared and admired my two new additions. The quiver came with a handy strap which I tossed over my shoulder and cinched tight. Next I shouldered my bow and jumped back up on my horse. Once I was situated I decided it would be a good idea to get in some target practice. I patted my friend’s neck. Suddenly his head shot up and his ears stood on end.

  “Mreoww!” Freak growled from my side at the same moment.

  I glanced down and saw his ears perked and angled along with his face in the same direction as Winston’s. I followed the line of their gazes and stared across the meadow to the tree line fifty yards away.

  My vision and hearing must have been turbo charged because, while I wasn’t as good at hearing and seeing as my pets were, I could now hear the sounds of growls of multiple creatures crashing through the woods and heading our way. Moments passed and I tensed grabbing the newly shouldered bow from my back. Then I reached back and snagged an arrow from my quiver. Nocking it carefully I readied myself and took a deep breath. I had wanted target practice hadn’t I? Winston and Freak sensing my needs somehow both tensed and readied themselves for whatever was coming.

  SKILL LEARNED

  BOWMANSHIP (LEVEL – Master)

  This skill enables the ability for master bow making and using. This skill also imparts the knowledge of how to care for your bow and how to fletch arrows. This includes different forms of archery and different techniques for use. Subsequent levels will unlock different skill abilities.

  My skills from before must have translated since I didn’t need to access a memory. Having been an avid bow hunter, user, and plain bow geek I wasn’t surprised. I had watched so many videos and spent so many real hours hunting, fletching, and studying the craft it made sense.

  I waved the screen away as the trees began to rustle. I could make out the individual l
eaves moving even from one hundred and fifty feet away. It was as if I was playing a hunting game and I had zoomed in. I quickly pushed the awe away and refocused on the moving branches. The howls were much closer and louder than they had been. Freak was growling deeply in his throat and I could feel that Winston was taught as iron beneath me, which coincidentally made a very stable firing platform.

  Feeling more than seeing what was coming I took a deep breath. Then drew the nocked broad headed arrow back to my right eye and sighted in on the now violently rustling brush and trees. Suddenly something burst through the underbrush. My eyes widened and I checked my drawn arrow releasing the tension and lowering my bow. Then I locked eyes with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life.

  TRACK 10 – ONE MORE TIME – DAFT PUNK

  If you have ever had the chance to see the Northern Lights then you have seen the most beautiful color green that has ever existed. If you haven’t then I highly recommend you go because that was the color of this woman’s eyes. It was a green so bright it was florescent. Her eyes seemed to glow with an inner light as she stared at me.

  Long raven colored hair flowed behind her as she ran. It bounced in the air and wind as she flew across the ground. Perfectly golden bronzed skin was covered by what seemed to be tanned leather and hide clothing. Whatever they were they clung to her like a second skin, hugging every curve just right, leaving little yet so much to the imagination. Her outfit was finished with moccasins the same color as the rest of her ensemble.

  This all passed through my mind in moments before she was even fully out of the woods. My newly acquired senses categorized all the different sounds I had been hearing. After the beautiful woman were at least a dozen different creatures. Judging by the loudness of their howls and how they were crashing through the forest they were quite large.