Face The Music

by Andrea K. Robbins

  “Thanks, Charlie, this was great,” I said when we got to the front of my building.

  “Yeah, I had a lot of fun.”

  After a few seconds of awkward silence, I extended my hand. “Well, I’ll see you in class. Thanks again.”

  I stood and watched the cab drive away. Charlie was a nice guy. Too bad I couldn’t convince my heart to let go of someone else.

  Emily was waiting for me in the kitchen. “How was it?”

  “Wet.” I reached back and pulled a rubber band from my hair. “I’m going to take a shower and go to bed. See you tomorrow?”

  The steamy water felt good against my skin. I stood there, longer than usual, before getting out and drying off. I was surprised at how tired I felt, so, rather than blow drying my hair, I put it in a braid and went to bed.

  Chapter 30

  I dreamt about Chris that night.

  “Come with me. I want you to see something,” he said, leading me though the plush trees, up to the top of a high cliff. Down below, the water of the river rushed and beat up against jagged rocks. The sight was truly breathtaking.

  “What are you most afraid of?” he asked.

  I glanced over the edge and shuddered. “Heights.”

  “No, really?” He looked at me, one of his eyebrows arched high.

  “And water.”

  I took a step towards him, away from the edge. “When I was young, I fell into a pool and almost drowned.” I trembled at the idea.

  “Wow.” He shook his head in awe. “Just when I thought I had you figured out you go and surprise me again.”

  I inched my way towards the edge of the cliff and looked down. “I’m tired of being limited by my fears. Sick of letting them confine me. Nothing compares with my fear of losing you, my fear of not being with you. I’m not afraid anymore.”

  With my back to the edge, I stood on my tiptoes, put my arms out to my sides, and let myself fall down towards the water below.

  I woke up with a jolt. Lightning flashed and lit up my room, causing strange shadows to dance on my walls. I sat up in bed and looked around, trying to calm my racing heart.

  I was never one to put much meaning into dreams, but I couldn’t get this one out of my head.

  What are you most afraid of?

  He’d asked me that once, for real, and I told him spiders. It was true. They were horrible, disgusting, little creatures. But, when compared to a life without Chris, they suddenly didn’t seem so awful.

  As I listened to the heavy rain beat against my window, I thought about what I’d said before dropping off the cliff.

  I’m not afraid anymore.

  Grams’s last words came out of nowhere.

  Don’t grow too old before you decide to live your life.

  The meaning suddenly became clear. I wasn’t happy. No matter how hard I tried to deny it, I missed him. And I couldn’t forgive myself for hurting him. His career had taken off, and he was really doing it. I was glad for that, but the hole in my heart would never let me be truly happy. Chris was the only person who could fill that void.

  It was a long night as I lay in bed and realized, for the first time, what I truly wanted out of life. I wanted Chris. I needed to be with him. If there was any chance that he would take me back, I had to try.

  I got out of bed the next morning a new person. For the first time in a long time, I had a purpose. I felt confident and refreshed and had little doubt that my happiness would soon come. And this time, it wouldn’t be at such a high cost. Chris was becoming an established artist, and I could no longer get in the way of that.

  Emily looked up from a magazine and watched me dance into the kitchen. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing, what’s up with you?” I pulled a container of cottage cheese from the fridge. It was covered with fuzzy, green mold. “Eww,” I said, snapping the lid back on and tossing it into the garbage.

  Emily continued to eye me. “Nice hair.”

  I reached up, remembering I had slept in a damp braid. “Thanks. Guess I’ll go wavy today.”

  “Cute. Seriously though, what’s with you?”

  I closed the fridge and leaned against it. “I had a dream last night.”

  “About what?”

  “Chris.”

  She put down her glass and looked at me seriously. I could tell she was growing impatient. “And?”

  “I’ve been such a fool. I messed up. I never should have let him go.” Her mouth fell open, and I continued. “I’m going to fix it, though. I’m going to tell him everything. For once in my life, I’m taking control.”

  “Finally!” she groaned. “Oh my gosh, Allie, it’s about fricking time.” She took out her phone.

  “What are you doing?” Her fingers raced across the keypad at lightning speed. I’d just confessed something really big, and she was sending a text?

  “Sending Lauren a message. She’s gonna flip.”

  “What are you now, BFF’s or something?” I asked, a little annoyed.

  Her phone buzzed. She picked it up and read the message. “No, we just share a common interest.” She typed in something else and set it back down. “What’s your plan?”

  “You know that party Saturday night? The Masquerade?” She and Jake were planning on going. “I think maybe I’ll go after all.”

  ***

  It was amazing that I had managed to put the costume together on such short notice. I’d found a sparkly, dark turquoise, floor-length gown at a second-hand store and dressed it up with enormous glittery wings. Emily had painted my eyes with a dramatic shade of blue.

  I am the butterfly. And tonight I’m going to get my new beginning.

  We arrived at the party, and as we made our way across the room, I was so full of confidence and hope that I felt like a new person. There was no room for nervousness, only the exhilaration of knowing that I was finally going to have what I most desired. I had no doubt that very soon my life would again be full.

  Emily and I walked around the room several times, admiring the elaborate costumes. She was dressed as a swan and wore a white, shimmery gown. Royalty, spooks, and a number of other animals walked around the room.

  “Emily, look,” I said, pointing. “There’s Chris.” He was upstairs, stepping out onto the upper balcony. “Okay, I’m going. Wish me luck.”

  She gave me a smile of encouragement and squeezed my hand. “You won’t need any.”

  It took some effort to make it across the room and up the stairs. People were everywhere, and it was difficult to maneuver my large wings through the group without stepping on the other costumes.

  When I finally reached the door of the balcony, I stopped and took a deep breath. I then pushed open the door and stepped out. Chris was leaning against the railing with his back to me, seemingly in deep thought. He wore a black tuxedo. An expressionless gold mask lay beside him. He turned around as I stepped forward.

  I gave him an enormous smile. I wanted so badly to run and be in his arms, but I held back. First, we had to talk things through. “Are you having a nice time?” I asked.

  His face resembled the mask- frozen and inexpressive. He stood tall as his eyes ran over my costume. “Fabulous.”

  The word fell flat, making me question the difficulty of my task. For the first time since making the decision to come here, I realized this wasn’t going to be easy. I had imagined a much warmer reception. Nevertheless, I gathered my courage and walked to the railing.

  “I miss you,” I began.

  He stared out into the dark night.

  I continued, and once I got going, everything just poured out. “I made a mistake. I thought I wasn’t ready, for us, but these past few months have been pure torture.”

  He ran his hand back and forth over his head, but didn’t look at me.

  I went on, “Your face and your voice, they’re everywhere. I thought I would be able to get over you. I’ve tried, Heaven knows, but I’ve realized something now. I don’t want to. I don’t want to just forget.
” I studied his face, but it revealed nothing.

  I took a breath and made myself go on. “I love you. I always have. Last spring I tried to do what I thought was best, but now I see…” My voice cracked. I reached into my clutch and pulled out the fortune Chris had refused to read to me the night at the Chinese restaurant. I set it on the rail, and, with one finger, slid it to him.

  He stared at it.

  I looked around in the silence, unsure of what else to say.

  “You said you needed space.”

  My heart thudded at his angry tone. “Yes, I did, but…”

  “Dammit, Allie!” His cold stare forced an icy chill down my spine. “I only left because that’s what you wanted. I would have given it all up for you, but now,” he dropped his eyes, “it’s too late. I’ve moved on. I suggest you do the same.”

  He paused, and for a fraction of a second, I thought I saw a glimpse of the warm, loving man I once knew, but his cold, unforgiving expression quickly returned. He went inside and disappeared into the crowd.

  I stood there, frozen in shock, for several minutes. I had never even considered this outcome. I had been so confident that everything would work out.

  It took only seconds before reality sank in.

  It was really over. He was lost to me forever.

  I stared into the black night and fell to my knees as the tears began to flow. My mind, rapidly closing to all emotion except grief, was blind to any outside stimuli. I heard no sounds, saw only the darkness that lie ahead, felt only the pain. Sitting on the cold stone floor, I hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed.

  In that state, time ceased to exist.

  At some point, though I have no idea how much time had passed, I opened my eyes and saw Emily kneeling beside me.

  “Hey,” she whispered again and again, shaking my shoulders.

  I forced myself to focus on her face.

  “What happened?”

  I heard her words, but was unable to make any sense out of them. It was like all synapses had stopped firing. Nothing was getting in or out. I closed my eyes and shook my head, and she sat with me, holding me to her chest and rocking back and forth.

  The door opened slightly. A sliver of bright light shining through the crack made me look up.

  Jake poked his head through the opening. “Everything okay out here? Allie! What’s the matter?” He knelt beside me, taking my hands into his own and peering into my vacant expression.

  I shook my head, still unable to form the words.

  ***

  I have no idea what happened after that. The next time I opened my eyes I was on my bed. Muted voices came from the kitchen.

  My entire body ached. It was as if some unseen force was holding me to the bed. I lay there and listened, trying to make sense out of what was happening.

  Chris.

  Memories struggled to free themselves from the recesses of my mind, but somehow I found the strength to push them back. I didn’t want to remember. The force that held me to my bed finally released, and I got up.

  Emily and Jake were at the kitchen table. They stopped talking and looked up as I shuffled in.

  “Honey, are you okay?” Emily whispered, flashing Jake a worried look.

  I pulled a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water. My hands were shaking so hard that I was barely able to get it to my lips.

  “What happened last night?” she asked.

  I set the glass down and looked at her. She and Jake looked back, waiting for me to explain.

  He told me to move on.

  The words were clear enough in my head, but I couldn’t force them out of my lips. My shoulders slumped, and I leaned against the sink.

  “Allie, please say something,” Jake urged from across the room.

  “It’s over,” I finally whispered.

  Their disappointed looks told me that they wanted more of an explanation, they wanted to understand what was causing me to behave so irrationally, but I said nothing else and went back to my room.

  I looked down at the broken butterfly wings that were lying on my floor and thought about my life now. A life without Chris. At least I had my job. And Emily and Molly, too. And Jake. School. I still had all of these things that a few months ago seemed like all I needed. Yet, I was miserable. Vacant. And it was my fault. All my fault. The irony of it didn’t escape me.

  Chapter 31

  A week passed by, and I still felt hollow inside. Empty, all alone. It was worse than after Mom or Grams died. This was a different kind of loneliness. My heart actually hurt.

  Sleep became a luxury I could no longer afford. Most nights I would lay in bed and watch the hours pass by, praying for an hour or two of rest. I was up at the first light of dawn.

  Emily was in the kitchen, picking at a whole-wheat bagel. She had just gotten home from working a double shift. “Hey!” She tried to act cheerful, but I could see the concern behind her smile.

  I picked up the newspaper and sat across from her without saying a word, a habit I was becoming all too comfortable with.

  “So I talked to Jake yesterday,” she began, watching my reaction. “I guess he made quite a scene at the hotel the other night.”

  “Why, what happened?”

  “According to him, he gave Chris a well-deserved ass-chewing.”

  Something inside me said that I should have cared, maybe even been a little angry that Jake would take it upon himself to become involved in my business, but I wasn’t. There wasn’t much that could upset me anymore. I was too numb.

  “What did he say?” I only asked for the sake of making conversation.

  “I don’t know. He didn’t tell me much, just that they ‘had words’.”

  Emily waited for me to react, but I only shrugged. “Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like I’ll ever see him again.”

  I was still in shock over the fact that it was over. Chris was gone. He had moved on and told me to do the same.

  Maybe he was right. Maybe I just needed to move. I wasn’t happy and didn’t know that I ever could be again, at least not here, not like this. I could get away from this place and all these memories. Go out and get a fresh start somewhere else.

  I spent a lot of time over the next couple of days daydreaming about different places. I could go anywhere. The farther the better. But where? It’s not like I had any connections.

  When Paul called, everything just sort of clicked. It felt right, like maybe things actually did happen for a reason. Maybe Chris and I weren’t supposed to be together after all.

  “I’m ready,” I heard myself say. “If you’ll still have me, I’m ready to come.”

  “I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say that,” he said. “I’m so happy right now. We’re going to have a wonderful life together.”

  I heard the screeching of tires in my head. “Whoa, hold on. I’m not ready to dive into a relationship. I need time. I just want to get away from Chicago. Do you think you could find me an apartment?”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  “It is. I’m taking things slowly, okay? Day by day.”

  “Alright.”

  “Let me know when you find something.”

  ***

  “Em, what would you say if I went away for awhile?”

  She put down her fork and studied me. “What are you talking about?”

  “There really isn’t anything holding me here. Not anymore. I could go someplace new, start over.”

  “Where?” She was cautious in asking.

  I blew out a long breath before telling her my plans. I knew she wouldn’t approve. “I asked Paul to find me an apartment in Toronto.”

  The color drained from her cheeks. “You did what?”

  “I have to get away,” I said. “I didn’t know where else to go. He’s really excited.”

  She stood up and walked circles around the kitchen. “Don’t talk to me about this.” Anger washed over her face. “You know how I feel ab
out him.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. I just can’t stay here. I need a change.”

  “When?”

  I looked at my hands and spoke slowly. “I have to finish out my contract with the studio. There are only three kids left, and honestly I don’t see them lasting much longer. So I don’t know, exactly, but I’m guessing around Thanksgiving.”

  “Thanksgiving? That’s what,” she glanced at the calendar, “like three weeks away? What about school?”

  “It really doesn’t matter much anymore. I have some money saved up. I think I could make it as long as I find work by January.”

  She threw her dishes in the sink. One of our dinner plates cracked against the force. “No. This isn’t going to happen. You can’t just give up on your dreams, Allie. They’re too important.”

  I snorted. “What do you know about dreams? You never went for it. At least I can say I tried.”

  ***

  Lauren showed up at my apartment early Saturday morning. I wasn’t sleeping, but wasn’t ready to get up either.

  “Allison Banks!” she yelled, banging a fist against the door. “I know you’re in there. Open up!”

  I took my time opening the door. “What?” I asked, yawning.

  “What’s the matter with you? Emily told me what you’re planning. Are you trying to give us all panic attacks?”

  “Come in, I’ll make a pot of coffee,” I said, closing the door behind her.

  She followed me to the kitchen.

  “I’m this close,” she said, illustrating with her fingers, “to calling him. Enough is enough.”

  “Call who? Paul?”

  “No. Chris.”

  I gave a sarcastic laugh. “Go ahead. Call him. He doesn’t care what I do. Didn’t Emily tell you that?”

  “Yeah.” Her tone softened. “I’m really sorry. I never would have thought he’d react that way. I thought for sure you’d work everything out.”

  “Me too. Guess we didn’t know him as well as we thought.”

  She frowned. “But this doesn’t mean you have to run away! And to Paul, for Christ’s sake. Have you thought this through?”

  “Thinking things through doesn’t work for me anymore.”

  “You’re quitting school?”