Face The Music

by Andrea K. Robbins

  “Not quitting, just putting it on hold for awhile. Until I get things figured out.”

  She poured creamer in her coffee and took her time stirring it. “Okay. I get it. You’re sad and lonely and need an escape. But seriously, Allie, Paul? You can do so much better than that.”

  “Chris was better. Look at how well that turned out.”

  “Would you stop being so damned difficult?”

  “I need to get away, alright? Paul, well, he’s been there for me. He understands and wants to help.”

  “I understand. I want to help.”

  “But you’re here. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  She scowled. “Fair enough. Go anywhere, China, I don’t care, but don’t go to Toronto. Nothing good can come from it.”

  “I don’t have anywhere else! Don’t you get it, Lauren? Aside from people here in Chicago, there isn’t anyone. I’ve got nobody.”

  ***

  I went to work the next Monday in better spirits, knowing of the change that was soon to come. Not wanting to see anyone, I spent little time outside of my classroom. I especially steered clear of the snack bar. My efforts to hide were futile, though, as Jake found me during lunch.

  “Hi. How’s life? I missed you like crazy last week,” he said. I hadn’t seen or talked to him since the ordeal with Chris. “I wanted to stop by, but I figured you probably needed some time to yourself.”

  “Yeah. I’m okay, thanks.” I offered him a smile. “Did Emily tell you? I’m going to Toronto.”

  He slouched into a desk. “Toronto, huh? I’ve been there. It’s a nice place to visit, but I sure wouldn’t want to live there. When are you leaving?”

  “After Thanksgiving.”

  He gave an approving nod. “That’s good. A vacation is just what you need. Time to clear your head. How long will you be gone?”

  He didn’t know. I broke the news quickly. “Indefinitely. I’m getting an apartment.”

  It took a minute to sink in. He shifted his weight around in the desk. “What are you telling me?”

  “I’m moving.”

  He turned white. “Why in the hell would you move to Canada? Your life is here, in Chicago.”

  I took a big breath. “My life used to be here. There’s nothing tying me down, now that Grams is gone. I need a change of scenery.”

  “I can understand that, but do you really need to move to a different country?” He took that same, patronizing tone that Emily had used when I first told her.

  “I just need to get out of here, you know? Too many memories. I’m going to start a new life. Can you be supportive of that?” I was getting tired of defending myself.

  “Of course I can, if that’s really what you want. But geez, Toronto? Who will I hang out with?” He flashed me one of his crooked smiles.

  “You are never in need of company, Jake. You have more friends around here than I can keep up with. Besides, you have Emily now, right?”

  ***

  Paul called to tell me he’d found an apartment. “It’s an unfurnished studio,” he said. “But the price is more than fair. Do you want me to come down and help you load your stuff?”

  “No. I’ll get it packed up and hire a mover. Just meet me at the airport, okay?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Emily’s muffled voice traveled down the hall. She sounded upset, so I went to her room to see what was wrong. The door was mostly shut, but I peeked through the crack and saw her sitting on her bed, facing away from me. She was on the phone.

  “What am I going to do, Jake? She can’t go.”

  For the first time since I came up with the plan, I had doubts about leaving. I felt bad. I’d been Emily’s only stability these past few years, and she depended on me. I hadn’t thought about how much my move would really affect her. Was I being selfish?

  I tiptoed back to my room and pulled open my top dresser drawer. I hated packing- it was so much work. In the back of the drawer, under a pile of shirts, was the velvet box that contained Grams’s earrings. My fingers pulled back the lid, and I sucked in a sharp breath as I remembered the day Chris had returned the one I’d lost. It was so sweet of him to go back and find it. He had always been so good to me.

  I snapped the lid shut and put up a mental road block to stop that line of thinking. No sense fretting about the past. I had my future to worry about. A big change was just around the corner.

  ***

  Jake was leaning against the classroom door when I got to work the next morning. He was a total mess. His face was covered with stubble and only half of his wrinkled shirt was tucked in. He looked like he’d suffered through a long night.

  “Rough morning?” I said once he was in earshot.

  “Are you still hellbent on leaving?” He moved out of the way so I could unlock the door.

  “Excuse me?”

  He didn’t back down. “You heard me. How can you do this? How can you just abandon everything?” His face was red with emotion.

  “The decision is already made. There’s nothing for me here.” He flinched when I said ‘nothing’. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t approve. This is just something I have to do. Please understand.”

  His eyes glistened with unshed tears, but he looked away and blinked them back. “Why? You have so much here. What about Emily? What about school, and your job, and, what about me?”

  I looked at the floor, feeling my own eyes starting to swell. “You have Emily,” I whispered. “And what will you do once the season ends? Go back to California? What’s the difference?” I paused, searching for the right words, words that would make him understand. “This is just a job,” I said, looking around the classroom. “I’m sure I’ll find another. I know you don’t understand, but you have to trust me. This is for the best.”

  His eyes were hard as he looked past me. “When are you leaving?”

  I turned my back to him. “As soon as my last student is voted off.” I didn’t tell Jake, but I hoped it was soon. The longer this took, the harder it would be for me to go.

  He mumbled something and walked towards the door, but paused before stepping out into the hallway. “This is because of him, isn’t it?” He glared at me for a second before leaving my room.

  I was crushed. Jake and I were close, but I never dreamed he would take it this hard. Whatever it took, I had to make him understand, had to make things right. There was no way I could leave knowing he was so upset.

  When lunchtime came, I headed out to find him, but he wasn’t at the snack bar or in the tech room. I was on my way home when I spotted him, sitting at one of the patio tables just outside the front entrance of the studio.

  He was on his cell, having an intense conversation with the person on the other end. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? You have to make this right!” He listened for a long minute and then said, rather smugly, “I hope you do.” He then snapped his phone shut, and, not seeing me, stormed off in the opposite direction.

  I didn’t follow. He was obviously mad. I’d never be able to get through to him.

  That night I sat with Molly and watched as my last student was voted out. I felt a sense of relief, knowing that my time in Chicago was about over. I was almost free.

  The next day I went back to the studio to collect my personal items. I didn’t have much left, most of it was already packed.

  Jake came in just as I was taping the box shut. “Hey,” he said without expression.

  I was so relieved to see him. I set the roll of tape down and gave him a hug. He forced a tight smile and looked around the empty room. “When are you leaving?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  He sucked in a breath. “So soon?”

  “No sense putting it off.”

  His expression melted. “I’m going to miss you, Allie. More than you’ll ever know. I hate this.”

  Tears stung my eyes. “I’m sorry. We’ll stay in touch though, okay? I’ll have my cell, so you can call me anytime, day or night.”
<
br />   He stood and looked at me, slowly shaking his head. “Do you need any help?”

  “No, it’s all taken care of. The movers are coming around noon. My flight leaves at three.”

  “I could go with you to the airport,” he offered.

  “Sorry. I think it’s best to make a clean break. Let’s not make this any harder than it has to be, okay?”

  A deep sadness reached his eyes. “So this is it, then? This is goodbye?”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I guess it is. Thank you for everything. You’ve been such a great friend to me.” He hugged me tightly and then turned and left without looking back.

  The next morning was harder than I ever could have imagined. Emily was pacing the living room. She was crying and looked like she’d been up awhile.

  “Emily? Are you alright?”

  She turned to glare at me. “You really have to ask me that? Am I alright? What do you think? Do I look alright?” She looked terrible. Her hair was a knotted mess, and her bloodshot eyes were swollen.

  I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands. “I know this is hard for you.”

  She sat down next to me, her voice cynical. “You have no idea how hard this is for me! You’re leaving! Has that sunk in for you yet?” She softened when I cringed. “I see you’ve got everything packed. What time are you going?”

  “My flight takes off at three,” I whispered. “But I’m leaving early. I have to say goodbye to Mom.”

  She stared at me, a blank expression covering her face. “You what?”

  “Nothing. I just have some things I need to do before I go.” I glanced up at the clock. It was almost eight. Only a few more hours. “Where’s Molly?” My heart cracked at the thought of saying goodbye to her.

  “She’s still asleep. You really have to do this? You really have to go?”

  “I have to try. But, who knows, maybe I’ll hate it. Maybe I’ll be back.”

  “One can always hope,” she said sourly.

  “Thanks for your support.”

  “Oh, you know I don’t mean it. I just can’t believe this is happening. I’m going to miss you so much!” She reached over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “I wish you never met Chris Knots.”

  I wiped the tears off my cheeks and got up to get dressed.

  Molly woke up shortly after that and came into my room.

  “Mama said you’re leaving.” She rubbed her sleepy little eyes.

  I scooped her up and held her close. “Yes, I’m going away for a little while. I love you, baby girl. I will miss you so much. You be a big girl for your mommy, okay?” She put her arms around my neck and squeezed hard.

  “Love you too, Auntie Allie.”

  My heart was breaking. I forced myself to concentrate on the warmth of her skin, the smell of her hair, anything but the looming goodbye.

  I held her for a minute longer and then put her down so I could finish getting ready. I had to go. Prolonging it only made it harder, and I didn’t trust myself to stay strong. I shoved the rest of my things in a travel bag, slipped on a pair of shoes, and looked at my room. Aside from the stacked boxes, it was completely empty.

  Emily stood up when I got to the living room, her face twisted in agony. “You’re leaving? Now?”

  I nodded.

  “But your flight doesn’t leave for hours!”

  “I know. I just have some things to do. I’ll call you when I get there.” I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat. “Goodbye, Em.”

  Chapter 32

  I went to the Butterfly Haven and sat on Mom’s bench. It felt strangely comforting. I hadn’t sat there since she was alive, but today I was drawn to it.

  I stayed awhile, watching the flutter of the tiny insects while using my sleeve to wipe away the tears that brimmed in my eyes as I thought about what lie ahead.

  I was doing the right thing, wasn’t I? The past few months had been so hard. I needed a fresh start. I deserved that, didn’t I?

  I longed to have my mom there to talk to. Folding my hands in my lap and closing my eyes, I imagined the conversation we’d have.

  She would tell me that I could do anything. She’d say I was strong and independent and didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do. These things were all true, but I didn’t want to have to be alone, which is how I felt. Independence shouldn’t be lonely.

  A yellow butterfly landed on my knee. He crawled onto one of my fingers, and, as I examined him, I thought about how much my life had changed this past year. It was time to free myself from my shell, time for me to spread my newly found wings and take flight. I’d been through my own transformation, and it was time for me to put the past behind me and move forward.

  For one last time I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, savoring the fragrance of the room. If only someone could bottle that smell, sweet gardenia hinted with the perfume of wild rose. It was so comforting, and I was saddened to think that I wouldn’t be able to just stop by anymore. I’d be too far away.

  I looked around the room, trying to forever engrain the vision in my memory. The gentle waterfall, the enormous blooms, the rocky walls. There were so many details to remember.

  My breath caught in my chest when I saw Chris. He was sitting on the bench we’d shared last spring, watching me. Our eyes met, and his face lit up with a dazzling smile.

  I’d had this hallucination once before. Not trusting my senses, I looked away and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to clear his image from my mind.

  When I opened them again he was standing in front of me. “I learned a couple new words,” he said. “Borboleta. That’s butterfly in Portuguese. Vlinder. Dutch. We’ve got a whole list going now.” He spoke quickly, as if he was trying to get it all said. “Borboleta, Mariposa, Papillio, Vlinder, and this.” He hooked his thumbs together and flapped his hands in sign.

  I stared at him, confused. Why was he here?

  As if he read my mind, he answered, “I heard you were leaving.”

  I tore my eyes away from him and settled my gaze on the ground. “I’m going to Toronto.”

  “Is that what you want? To be with Paul?” His voice was smooth as he fixed those velvetly brown eyes on me.

  I shrugged, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know. There’s just nothing here for me anymore, now that Grams is gone. So I’m leaving.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Yeah, Chris, just like that. I’m sure you understand.” I stood, annoyed that he was there, ruining my last moments. My flight didn’t leave for another couple of hours, and I had no desire to share that time with him. It was pure agony. “I better get going. I have a plane to catch.”

  He took my hand and gave me one of his heart-throbbing looks.

  My determination wavered. “Chris, I’m sorry, but I don’t think…”

  “I owe you an apology.” He took my hands and pulled me down so that we were seated on the bench. “The truth is, I’ve been miserable ever since that night in the playground. I thought I had finally gotten it under control, but when I saw you at the ballgame last spring, with that guy, and then again at the benefit concert last month, it was just too much to think you’d moved on.”

  “What?” I hadn’t seen him at the concert, except when he was on the stage. Charlie and I were too far back for him to have seen us.

  “The kids told me they’d talked to you,” he explained. “I had to see you for myself. I finally found you, standing in the middle of a rainstorm. The way you stood there, with your face lifted to the sky, you looked like an angel. Your shirt clung to your body, and you reached up and ran your fingers through your hair. It about drove me mad.” He closed his eyes as though he was picturing it. “In that moment, nothing else mattered. The past was forgotten. I was on my way to beg you to have me back when a streak of lightening flashed across the sky.”

  So it hadn’t been a hallucination. I really did see him that night.

  He sighed and looked at the wall. “That guy you wer
e with grabbed you and pulled you out of the rain. You seemed so happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you, so I turned and walked away.”

  “There was never anything going on between me and Charlie.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  I tried to picture him standing there, watching me that night. “If only you had said something. Things could have been so different.”

  “And at the masquerade,” he continued as thought he hadn’t heard me. “You seemed so confident and happy. I despised you for it. I was so angry when you came out onto the balcony.” He looked down and traced his finger along the patterns in the wood-grained bench. “You ripped my heart out that night, you know? On the playground, after the finale? It took everything I had to go on with the tour. It was excruciating. I looked for your face in every crowd, but eventually reality settled in and all those people became faceless.”

  “I wanted you to have a shot at making it,” I explained. “I didn’t want to get in the way.” I paused as the truth bubbled to the surface. “I was so scared. I didn’t think I was good enough for you.”

  His head snapped around, his face stern. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever, ever think you’re not good enough. If there’s anyone here who isn’t deserving, it sure as fuck is not you.”

  His outburst startled me.

  He took a breath and seemed to calm down. “Look at things from my perspective. Here you are, this beautiful, amazing woman. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You take care of everyone around you and still somehow keep your head above water. Christ, you’re going for a Ph.D.” He laughed. “Do you have any idea how sexy that is?”

  I shook my head. Nerdy wasn’t my idea of sexy.

  “When we were together, I would ask myself every day, what does she see in me?” He shifted uncomfortably and ran a hand over his slick head. After several long seconds he whispered, “I never even graduated high school.”

  The words didn’t immediately register. I heard them, I just couldn’t believe it. “How is that possible?” I finally asked. “You’re so,” what was the word? “So articulate. So capable.”

  He laughed a bit and then leaned back against the bench. “I wasn’t stupid.”