SEED

by James T heart

 

  No longer threading the needle of fear, with little time rushed to find home, and lost. I guide my own. The free of being two faced and double sided. Euphoria that was not aroused by another, for this was enlightenment, and the sun shines for me. Smiling and looking up at the sky with thanks, and reflection of feeling, the becoming. The becoming of me!

  My time to relax was no mistake, with nothing to prove, and no one watching. Without a need to fly, wonder why. I sink, and roll peacefully in the waves. A title wave toxic mentality, no need for pharmaceutical reality, I was dreaming!

  Balanced on the sea within reach, the waves say in their own way, we got you, and you are not alone! Jade, you are not alone! I say to myself, I am not alone.

  A piece of mind and a time that moves with me with my connection of mind, body, and soul; I float with spirit. The weight of the ocean has mine like a cushioned pillow from the clouds above; I am weightless. I shout, who's laughing now! My thoughts had no gravitational pull, and my polar was gone, and this was free, free I tell you, free!

  Continuing my most pleasant and vital reward. I got my drink, and I got my rest, and for food I did not think of at this time, I was relaxed. I had to say the words with little effort without gasp. I test my voice with words, I am connected, and my life is free from spins, I roll with the wind with no container, and no compartment to my past! Shouting and releasing had me float, more and more relaxed. I believe with my eyes, the sight of something, but this wasn't just something, this was what the world was for.

  Something is forming up in the clouds! With a steady gaze, smiling words. I took my squint from my eyes, bigger than, and bigger than me! There are faces in the clouds, faces! Different from each other, they look down at me. Still the same and it seems ones I have seen before, and ones of theater? I am excited for what I see, I see faces!

  My body floating, gracing the beauty found. A hope, a love, there was something of a feeling I had for what I saw. This is something left behind, left inside me? This was something beautiful, and for me! I wonder who else can see.

  The clouds move the faces within, by wind masking the clouds, the faces have won. The day had balance, and two smiles back at me, with a shine from the sun breaking the clouds! Mine was different, and the same. I had to come to realize, as the chill winds now driven, and the opposing force giving me the ok? For personality! I was floating all the same in my happy place, the faces above one, and my happy place was this. I smile back and shout, how you doin! Captivated by feeling and capped by waves. I am overwhelmed by well-being, the self-gratifying guided feeling, I am loved!

  I lye here without lies, without cover up, without fear to steer my thoughts, this was gentle like a mother, and her womb. A tear from salt, a heart warm, and a smile that tea the calm of me. Respect! Eye believe in I, and You! Fearless moment and a love tap it was. Thus blissful moment had me no longer a blunderbuss, and or fuss. Let's be together forever.

  Shallow no longer, shallower the winds guided me. I questioned and see, natures love for me, and with a heads up, nature was right. It will be dark soon! Whispers from the dusk to dawn, I moved.

  The waters cool, and the sky had started to change, to a darker shade of grey. I watch an impeccable meet, and there would be skies filled with beauty thereafter. I prayed for stars!

  The skies would go black, gloom, day to night, and I had to save myself again for I fear the night! It was black night, and I must move quickly! I couldn't be frightened again by my thoughts, by my?

  Again I was caught out here all alone, and again. It seems its night I fear, with too much time to think relighting senses, I fear darkness adjusting me! Where is my Conditioning?

  The winds whistles get a move on!

  A few kicks from my legs, and a curl from toes. I am a sea monster! I shout! My heart beat in love, and I wonder why the day had a poetic parabolic injustice? This moment the justice was mine, and this dream was the finer things in life, my time. Thinking red, and thinking wine, how desired my taste would be. I squint with a look to shore, and imagine a bottle for me. Staring at the rock, I imagine a bottle of pinot, or I would settle for merlot. Squinting more, and with a hand waving the wand with nothing, I imagine I am too silly! Still nothing just a plain old rock, it was worth a try nevertheless, any the less would be uncivilized. I think, me shrugs, me speaks. This dream of mine…?

  If this was my life every day without reward would I shrug? What would be the point of time; I speak softly, and giggle.

  I turn the page, and continue my swim to shore.

  I make it, with little effort to put a step down on the ocean floor. Still waist height, watery deep. Yelp!

  Inflating like a blowfish I grab a deep breath, and smile. Excited and happy I am. The light reflected from the black sands below. Curious to see more, from here was…? Coming into view from every kick of water I kick my toes. Even pinky had his moment. This was unbelievable and what was it? What seemed waist deep away, is further now? Head first, toes up, and whatever it is down there I am going to get it, and bring it up! Distant it was. I end up swimming deeper and deeper, with one arm at length in front to stretch for a clasp. Thinking I never paid for this, I got this. Something so remarkable that did not cost me, this was a gift! This was…?

  In my hand, and to my hands was a bottle aged, tired of these black sands. Not old? On the other hand I remember this particular style of. As a child, my father would bottle wine with one similar in look and size. The difference is this one is worn, and dark from the sands below, dirty. Not one to bottle his favorite… So I thought?

  Ground level now, I wipe the sands from the bottle, thinking from land to sea, I shout from sea to land! Cleaning the bottle, I see my face making laugh, and funny stuff between me and the bottle, this face was not mania and would not be shared. This was personal, and I had to see what was inside.

  There is something inside!

  I remove the cork. Many words later, I would have to say argh she's a pirate! That was not easy to do. What is easy? I look at the ocean, and smile. Pop! Oh strapping young lad was I excited! A message wrapped with a twist? I knew it, it could not have been that old, I had to know? The message in the bottle had many.

  What is this, some kind of Joke!

  This page is for you, wine is for me. The way things change, tides of time will remember. Three sheets from my heart, to write one, and throw to sea!

  I don’t get it?

  Upset, standing up with arms thrown down raging with spite, then arms up on my head dancing with horns! My thoughts race reflecting a break, something valuable and this was not that. No wave could save me now! My finances a burden, bills due, and for what? I paid the price for this? And where is my break, my cut, my piece of cake; I spit financial quarters!

  I want it all!

  A message in a bottle is so overrated, got that message? You got my attention, and you will get yours. Oh yes! I am not done with you yet!

  My smile lost, my heart raced, my manic thoughts thrown down by my feet to sands. Hopeless and helpless I feel! This was my break, and this was frustrating the hell out of me. I get up quickly, impulse the run for security with no help, and where was God without prayer!

  Saddened my feel, thoughts race my fears. I left the bottle in the dirt where it belongs. The wind thinking of taking my paper, go right ahead precious paper.

  I help myself to my clothes, I grind my teeth!

  Dry by the radiant heat. By touch, my thoughts heated and secured me with retrospective correlation to…? I am clothed! Worn and staring into the sea, as the waves roll following the line of the horizon in a direction once treaded. My eyes move right and then left to fall, for the night of day, shined!

  Stepping forward on cold sand, the sun was down, and so was I. I return to what was left undone; the letter, my message had to be sung. I was upset, yet this was my chance to give a piece of my passive mind back!

  Opened mouth speechless to sing, I could only shout my demise. An open
mouth for…?

  You know what bottle, I can’t stand you! And your empty ignorance, with your complicated futility by ignorant instruction baffles me! Your plain ugly appeal and you! Oh you will get yours bottle, you will get yours!

  And this is what you get; under the heat of my breath I say distraction?

  Looking around I see a rock, dull in form, and flat for a perfect place to write. One measly sheet, just one! You are going to be thrown so far ~ I hope 'eye' never see you again!!!

  Land by sea, shore to sea, for you bottle are going far back out, and far away from me!

  Paper got a smack on the rock, and I start to write my sung.

  ~this is what I wrote~?

  Happy joy, with the message fueled in spite, and a stiff lip, an overbite. I quickly roll up the papers and cork it!

  I grip to hold fast at sea with a throw to watch the spin, and spin, out of sight…? I did not hear a splash? Looking onward, retreating forward, I think to myself and assume? I assume? I know it’s dark, and I am still dreaming, upset? What is this? Is it luck? At that instant I scream… Wake up!

  My God, I am dead and dreaming, I am going to be late for…?

  A line moves from my feet to my chest, warming me up by touch. Blinded by light at great heights now, captivated by the strangest feeling I am awake.

  My apartment seems busy, yet occupied I can’t put a finger on it, the alarm does not go off. I fell asleep on the couch? It has been a while since I have done that, and that it has! Awake by heat, the cold I remember as the darkness had me a prisoner in my dreams. What was it about…?

  Why can I not remember, yet I feel I have come to some sort of decision, and a realization of what? Wait, I am going to be late for work! My eyes late, and the thoughts are coming into focus, I left work Friday? It’s the weekend baby! Woo-hoo!

  I got way ahead of myself, falling back onto the couch and hitting my head on the armrest, Ouch! What a week! What a… weak! Rubbing the back of my head, and then to the front, and turning my tension off! Circles ~

  a ~

  a ~

  a ~

  Relaxed +

  Another deep breath, looking down at my clothes I slept in, something about them…? I could not tell you what it was? I have to get out of these jeans, I can hardly breathe they are so tight! Stripping down to comfort, and jumping into the shower. It seemed so different it was revitalizing the feel. I have walked many miles, and worked up a sweat before this one. This was not just any shower!

  The water pouring on me with my breathing relaxing me, or is my?

  I do something different. I start to roll the temperature cooler, and cooler? My skin looks better with thought.

  My mirror is clear! This makes me wonder? What time is it anyways? I grab a towel, and soak the floor with every step; my eyes find a clock. The time was 8:03?

  Thinking nothing of it, other than thr3e?

  Chapter: 1.1 significance of Jade

  My father, my mother, and I were three. A team we were in the beginning, and a dream we are still together. Divorce set family astray, and I had to choose. The justice system said you cannot be forced either way. At the age of five, custody was in my mother’s favor, and in my best interests. No! I wanted my family together! It could not be, and that I did not understand, that I did not. I remember when it was just us three? Repeating myself constantly, I was alone and I needed a friend!

  I had no honest answer here. Protected, and comforted for ages, and by age confusing me. Writing was my new found therapy, secret and protected. For protection, for love for our family, and the chance to heal, make things right. My heart no longer confused. Once a heart broken, condition had chance.

  I didn’t’t understand the term therapy? I was introduced to counseling, and this I did not understand for even the slightest degree of pain. I found I was repeating myself here, at ask, and repeating the pain in my head, undoing my writing. I tantrum then, and gave myself the right… to write even more!

  Alone writing close to my sleep, I was an understanding. I was closer to my subconscious mind, and this is where my thoughts, feelings, and emotions would project ~

  Thus discussion debated conference with no criminal negligence, and no one else but me for safety and security. Thoughts distorted, and knowledge in balance with love! I felt brilliant, and this was special for me, a healing process for my cognitive therapy. Now I did not behave, as I did not react ~

  I kept it all in, and this was my outlet~ this was my outlet!

  I looked at the world differently at a young age. A perspective of one that should have been coloring, and playing in the sand, I was forced independence. The turmoil of family sided, and the comforting was provided at every angle. I just kept saying I am fine, mommy and daddy, you need the rest! Looking at them my mind raced to catch the point .

  My mother feeling more pain as time moves day by day, week by week and at a forte night she was very weak. I started to be upset with my father, and I could not watch my mother suffer like this. I became mad! It is his fault this happened, this is why…?

  Or was it me?

  My time alone, writing, and writing for solitude and confinement from this forced reality. Why? Throwing out what upset me, and thinking about what I can do to change this? Bring us together again God; this is not good for anyone! Look at this, and what it has done to my family! This would be miracle, please save me! I believe in my writing I filled in every word, and every thought from every person of…? Observer I was, and somebody had to write it down. Don't tell anyone that someone was me! Shhh…?

  Overactive imagination I thought, however it was like a fire going to burn out, I just kept stoking it without reading anything, or following anyone else or media, I was lateral!

  And just a kid exhausting himself, and rolling the big wheels for fresh air, and distraction. There was one day in bed. My mind raced faster than my legs, and I was looking at the world in a different way??? Math class, formulating my mind from conformity, giving me a chance to make the mistakes over and over, I got better!

  My father is negative, my mother is positive, and I am upset. My grades reflect my negative attitude, and for me to fix. I can’t red pen this, as I would not be allowed, I am too young. My head hurts at times, and I feel I can move water?

  Chapter: 1.2 Significance of Jade, Cognitive Lashes

  To break free, I would be, and helping both as I am the rope in the war and without a rope there would be rest. Depression consumes me, as my thoughts race, and I feel this is my fault?

  My family in later years, puzzled as I was to move on, and re marry… They did, how could I? There was no hope for us, to be three again. There were many mistakes being made from both ends of this battle. This battle for love!

  I believe love was lost, and no love lost!

  I see the mistake, and this became quite tiresome for me, and I did not like the significant other relieving either side of the battle. The significance was me, and the attention was that for another. I was in the middle, and putting up a wall to defend. Every moment it got worse, brick by brick they got better and I was tired. Then, I was left alone in the battleground alone?

  My grades in school were terrible; I felt all the other kids were immature. The textbook was no interest to me, it seemed pointless. I couldn’t understand why I felt so terrible, why I was laughed at by immature kids, bugging me, and calling me names. I was different, so I rolled my eyes and I felt better. Mother noticed my grades, and my attitude of becoming thee. Counseling began, and it was all about me. I was not to blame, this was not my fault! I am just different.

  How do you like school Jade…? The Counselor asks with eyes black and tired.

  A rational gaze and I stare through her. These were the words caught… School? And I was lunch, this felt like detention. Many words fumbled by the Counselor, but I just seen her lips moving. I couldn't help to think of subtitled ninja movies! This was going nowhere, I made my reply!

  School sucks, nothin
g but grief! Why bother me.

  Me thinks, me shrugs, and me squints!

  No that is not right Jade, we are here to get you well.

  Get me well? I am well!!! Look at me! What’s your problem? The other kids are jerks! That’s not my fault; their jerks.

  Now that is no way to talk about your fellow classmates, they are your friends, and just need to understand you!

  WHAT!!! This is not right mom, I am leaving!

  I slam the door behind me, loud enough to hit them on the way out!

  Deep breath, good grief!

  I get to the car, and sit inside while seconds seem like minutes, minutes like seconds. Going into that phase again! Oh my god, is this going take all day?

  Slamming my hands down on the dash, what else could I do; I am just a kid right? Almost an hour goes by, and my mother returns with papers in her hands; why would I ask?

  One week later, and I have another appointment. This evil woman is much nicer to me, and asking me about how I am feeling, and what she can do to help. I remember these questions. It was good and evil, and good to be asked, what can I do to help? So puzzled at that moment, it was almost as if I never knew? Asking me if I was special, I tell her I am with a big smile. She asks me if I hear voices, and I tell her in a strange way, I do at times. The look in her eyes, upon her expression and mine was unsure.

  To hear your own thoughts, that is ok right! I say with panic from a residual sweat.

  The woman moved her attention to my mother, and asked her about my past. My mother mentions… Since the divorce, Jade has sheltered herself in her room. Jade is depressed, and her grades are slipping in school. She, does not want to help with chores, and does not get along with other kids.

  As I look around the room, I know I am in a clinic. I see certificates… Psychotherapy!

  What!!! What the hell is this?

  Miss spelling the words in my head, it didn’t matter I am not a psycho! Looking downward at the ground my head filling with tension, and my eyes swimming in fear, I was scared. The aquariums and I were going to break!