Do You Love Me

by Laura Moretti

  Their conversations had to come to an end, though. That night, Lady Saltridge, who really was extremely put out by the incident with Mr. Haynes, declared that she had decided to discontinue her soirées – this night was to be the last. Everybody rushed to beg her to reconsider, but Lady Saltridge would not budge and explained to anyone willing to hear how underappreciated she felt, adding all possible drama to the proceedings – Darcy asked quietly,

  “If you all are agreeable we could continue our meetings at home – I mean, at Grosvenor Square – twice a week, in the same way.”

  The scheme was, indeed, agreeable to all.

  Act Two

  Do you think your life will always taste like this?

  (As will rapidly become obvious, the events of this story take place in an alternate history.)

  In Darcy’s home, nobody was in the mood for philosophy anymore.

  Elizabeth was perplexed by her own sense of relief after reconciling with Darcy, and that gentleman seemed in high spirits too – he smiled more, and when he observed his guests happily engaged in lively discussion, he seemed satisfied – even pleased – Elizabeth often caught his eye on her during these occasions.

  Other friends joined their circle. There were dances – improvised ones. Parlour games were suggested – by the Viscount, who wanted to seize all means to court Georgiana. Kisses were often a forfeit, paid by the loser to a winner. Bingley soundly kissed his wife as soon as he had the opportunity, and Elizabeth was touched to see Amelia turning bright red – Mrs. Bingley was very much in love with her husband, Elizabeth realized, with a pinch of guilt.

  Her surprise was unfair. She had wanted to paint Amelia as a heartless, mean woman, incapable of proper feelings, but so was not the case. Amelia made her husband very happy and despite her own loyalty to Jane, Elizabeth could not but be glad for Bingley’s sake – such a kind man deserved boundless affection.

  Elizabeth also surmised that the painter, Helmut May, did not dislike her, and was not adverse to hold her hand or brush her lips when the games allowed. She held some affection for the wise, well informed older gentleman, but she had never considered him in that manner – so soon she withdrew from the games entirely, arguing that as a companion, participating was not proper. Everybody protested her decision; Darcy didn’t say anything, as the host, he was not partaking anyway.

  Even Miss Moore was in a fine mood – there had been letters from the continent, Elizabeth knew. In Europe, the French tyrant had gathered some unexpected support, and the general situation was getting worse for almost everyone, but for one particular officer – a gentleman who, Elizabeth suspected, had been writing to Miss Moore regularly. There had been a death in the family, and the young man had come to an unexpected inheritance. He was leaving the army and more importantly, he had the means to marry now – Miss Moore had a spring in her step and her eyes were shining – soon her handsome lieutenant returned safely to London and the betrothal was announced.

  Elizabeth realized that with her friend’s marriage, she would not be needed anymore, and would rapidly find herself without a situation. There was hardly time for dismay, though, before she was offered the position of Georgiana’s companion.

  “Mrs. Annesley wants to return to her family,” Darcy explained to Elizabeth. “And if a marriage were to take place between Georgiana and… a still undetermined young man,” he added with a smile, while his young sister was blushing at his side, “it would not be before a year at least. At the very least,” he added with an affectionate, but possessive look at Georgiana.

  Elizabeth was very amused – the three of them were having tea in Darcy’s house, in the eastern sitting room.

  “And I do enjoy your company so much!” Georgiana said to Elizabeth. “Please, Miss Bennet, do say yes.”

  “And even after the wedding, Georgiana,” Darcy continued, “you might need a companion anyway.” He turned to Elizabeth and explained, “The Viscount’s family has numerous interests abroad. He is bound to travel often – in his absence, my sister will need a friend to help her navigate London society.”

  Elizabeth could not but be amused by the authority with which Mr. Darcy was arranging his sister’s future married life, in her presence, and with hardly her consent. But Georgiana would get older, and more independent; she would rebel against the loving tyranny of her brother – or maybe just happily submit to the loving tyranny of her husband – anyway, this was an unexpected, and extremely pleasant arrangement. Elizabeth accepted readily – that night, in her bedchamber, she felt quietly content.

  She had foggy visions of the years to come – affectionate conversations with Georgiana, shopping in London streets, dancing in elegant ballrooms – meals at Darcy’s house, friends and lively discussions – which proves no one should ever try to predict their future.

  Because none of it happened, or not in the way Elizabeth believed – but the seer’s prediction could not have been further from her mind at that moment, and she slept soundly, with joyful dreams that she could not remember and that fled at dawn like the morning mist.

  ∞∞∞

  A dinner was organized at the Darcys’ to celebrate Miss Moore approaching nuptials. After the meal, in the drawing room, everyone fawned at that lady’s future husband – he was a handsome man, with a lot of war stories to tell – but Elizabeth was tired of the noise of the meal, so she discreetly exited the fray to join Georgiana near a low table on the other side of the room.

  Outside, a light rain had begun to fall. The two young women drank tea in silence, on a low table near the fireplace, and after a moment of hesitation, Darcy’s sister spoke in a low voice,

  “I am very glad, Miss Bennet, that you are going to be my… that we are going to be friends.”

  “I am glad also,” Elizabeth answered, with a smile. “Thank you for considering me.”

  “No, I am lucky to have you – not that I have you,” Georgiana stammered. Elizabeth gave the young girl a reassuring smile, and her future charge started again. “My brother told me yesterday… He said…” Georgiana’s colour heightened, and she glanced around, to see if anyone was following their exchange. Darcy was, in fact, looking in their direction.

  “He said that you know about what happened at Ramsgate, with… Lieutenant Wickham,” Georgiana added, after another blush.

  “Indeed,” Elizabeth admitted. There was a silence, while she was thinking, with a blush of her own, of the scene at Hunsford parsonage. She turned to meet Darcy’s eyes, and maybe he took her look at as invitation, because he joined them, without a word.

  “We are talking about Ramsgate, Fitzwilliam,” Georgiana explained, while he was sitting down.

  “Yes.” That was Darcy’s only answer. He met Elizabeth’s eyes again. There was a short silence – they were both conscious of the special circumstances in which this revelation had been made.

  Elizabeth turned to Georgiana again. “Please do not blame your brother for betraying your confidence. My family, and especially my younger sisters, could have been endangered by Lieutenant Wickham’s proximity. That is why your brother felt his duty to tell me the story – he had only the best intentions.”

  “Oh! I know, I am glad, or maybe even relieved,” Georgiana said earnestly. “I am so pleased that you know, Miss Bennet. I didn’t dare confide in Mrs. Annesley – and sometimes – you may find it silly, but I had the impression that I was carrying this heavy secret – I am just glad that I do not have to lie by omission anymore.”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “You were so young. We all make mistakes.”

  “We do,” Darcy said slowly.

  There was a silence. They could hear the others talking, the rain falling, the wood cracking in the fireplace.

  “I have said things myself – when I was younger,” Elizabeth began in a slow voice, “I uttered accusations that I deeply regret now – I was very much mistaken and had no opportunity to apologize.”

  Darcy was watching the table in silence. Georgiana lo
oked surprised and ready to ask questions, but Miss Moore called her to the piano, saving Elizabeth from horrible embarrassment. Georgiana leaped onto her feet in a youthful manner – Elizabeth stood up too, but the table was too low, or she may have been feeling a little flustered, anyway, she stumbled – Darcy caught her hand – he held it for a few seconds, till Elizabeth regained her footing – or maybe it lasted more than a few seconds – then he had to let her go, because Mr. Helmut May came to claim Elizabeth’s arm to escort her to the music room; Mr. Darcy escorted Miss Moore, the music was charming, the conversation was sparkling, everything as it ought.

  And it was in that moment – as Darcy felt Elizabeth's hand in his – that he resolved to marry another woman.

  ∞∞∞

  Two days after, he wrote to his aunt, Lady Matlock, and asked her to find a suitable wife for him.

  The situation was unbearable.

  That accidental touch from Elizabeth had haunted him all night. It had been weeks, months now, that he was living only to see her, to be near her, to listen to her – his life was a series of grey parenthesis with only her presence as touches of color – his heart would soar when she looked at him – he would despair when she was silent, or if he imagined he had offended her in some way – and all that without any hope – without any possible future. He knew how much she disliked him. “The last man on earth I would ever be prevailed upon to marry,” she had said, all these years ago.

  Yes, they were friendly now; her opinion of him had changed – she had even said as much – and it had filled his heart with such despair and happiness – with frustrated passion – yes, it was unbearable. No woman could pass from such bitter hatred to the point where she could return his love – he had to regain control over his life. He had to return to his duties, he... the dreams he had, that night, after he kept her hand in his – love was a curse – he would go mad if he didn’t fight it – or flee – but letting go was so difficult. He had no hope but he would not be human if sometimes... No.

  It was decided.

  He sent the letter to his aunt. This useless infatuation was over.

  ∞∞∞

  For Elizabeth, the touch had quite the opposite effect.

  ∞∞∞

  Elizabeth first heard the news of Darcy’s betrothal to Miss Julia Howard through Amelia Bingley, of course.

  The Intellectual Club had disbanded. Darcy left; he had to travel, so their meetings at his house had been discontinued. There had been an invitation to Pemberley, however, for the whole group to visit there in the winter and there was to be a ball. Miss Moore was happily married and discovering, at the very moment, the joys and the responsibilities of life among the landed gentry. She faithfully wrote to Elizabeth, and her letters were as clever, entertaining, and affectionate as the lady herself ever was. In fact, one of her first act as a married woman had been to invite both Elizabeth and Georgiana for a stay at her new estate in Everham.

  The two young ladies had happily accepted and were even going to make a little tour of it. With Elizabeth at her side, Georgiana felt quite fearless; she wanted to do things she had never tried before – she was ready to travel. And so Elizabeth had just finished packing when Amelia Bingley paid them a visit.

  They had tea; Mrs. Bingley raved about Darcy’s new fiancée, about Julia Howard’s elegance and accomplishments – a forty thousand pounds dowry – though maybe Darcy could have done better, “What do you think, Miss Bennet?” Amelia asked.

  Elizabeth was quite at a loss for an answer. Fortunately, Amelia didn’t expect one, she could carry the conversation perfectly well on her own. Julia Howard, it seemed, was connected to the Marquese of –, her grandfather was an earl – like Darcy’s – no, Amelia decided, after all, it was the perfect match. “Georgiana,” she said, “you must be so happy to have a sister at last!”

  Georgiana was as surprised by the news as Elizabeth was, but she acquiesced politely and instantly began to worry whether the beautiful and highly fashionable Miss Howard would like her. Amelia did not notice anything, she was too happy to have such important friends – she had married Charles Bingley for love, and never regretted her choice, but she had found in her union much better connections than expected – the Darcys, then Miss Moore and her cousin, and now the Howards – she congratulated Georgiana again, and left at last, very satisfied with her lot in life.

  Elizabeth had no time to analyze her own reaction to the conversation: the carriage was waiting. In the bustle and difficulties of the departure Georgiana seemed to forget about the possibility of a new sister; soon they were out of London, both excited and happy about the trip. The information was quite forgotten – well – not quite. The idea that Darcy was engaged to another woman kept intruding, and Elizabeth had to resolutely push the image away – but that night, in her bed at the inn – an excellent one, the Darcys had spared no expense – she was able to be alone, and to think.

  She stared at the freshly painted ceiling, resolving not to dwell on her feelings. She would not think of the surge of emotions that had seized her when he had held her hand in his for a few precious moments – it would be, Elizabeth thought with her habitual sense of humor, unwise – really quite irrational – to decide herself to be in love now. No, if Darcy were to marry another, certainly now was not the time to search her soul for romantic feelings regarding the gentleman – but she had thought – she had imagined he still admired her – had she been wrong in her interpretation? It certainly was foolish, given the current circumstances, to scrutinize all their interactions since they had met again at Lady Saltridge’s soirées – but of course, Elizabeth could not help herself. She considered each encounter, but still, she could not reach a satisfying conclusion. No, let’s be truthful – she did reach a conclusion – a pretty clear one even – but that conclusion was so evidently contradicted by the news of Darcy’s understanding with Julia Howard that it must be wrong.

  None of it mattered, Elizabeth repeated herself, on the morrow – she had hardly slept. No, all of this was of no significance whatsoever. The coach was traveling under a timid sun and a gorgeous blue sky, the grass had a silvery hue, the villages were pleasant and picturesque – Elizabeth had no right to complain, no valid reason to be sad – didn’t she have a pleasant future before her?

  Yes, she was a companion, but in a quite agreeable situation, paid to associate with a delightful, affectionate young woman – she was surrounded by dear, loyal friends. Elizabeth was going to enjoy her travels – she wanted to – she meant to – and if the brother of the lady she was traveling with had slowly become a constant companion of her thoughts, well, after a few days Elizabeth decided to accept that gentle usurpation – why not allow Darcy’s image to haunt her? After all, the feeling would disappear soon enough.

  Once Elizabeth made that decision she did have a very pleasant time. Her thoughts of Darcy were not unwelcome; they were like a discreet, but beautiful melody playing far away in the deepest recess of her mind. Elizabeth felt by times melancholic or exhilarated – but again, she was careful not to analyze those strange moods too thoroughly – they would pass.

  They stayed one week at Mrs. Egerton’s (formerly Miss Moore) estate. Enough time for Elizabeth to see that her friend was happy. Enough time also to witness the thousand endearments and tender gestures of two young married people in love – it was impossible not to wonder if such would happen to her one day – speaking of Darcy, his future marriage was also a subject of conversation in the gardens of Everham.

  “Darcy and Julia Howard? Oh no, they are not betrothed,” the new Mrs. Egerton explained. “Amelia can be a bit hasty in her interpretation,” she added – the three ladies were outside, enjoying tea and cake on a bright spring day, on a beautiful old white table, not far from the chestnut grove. “She wants us all married, so at the first shared smile, she sees us standing at the altar.”

  “So they – Miss Howard is not to be my sister?” Georgiana asked, not knowing if she was supposed to
be relieved or disappointed.

  “I do not know the entire story, Georgiana,” Mrs. Egerton said more seriously. “I do not want to give you false hopes – if you had some in this direction. What I have heard, through Amelia, who had it from her husband, is that Darcy asked his aunt to find a wife for him. ‘Good family, good breeding, amiable, and with some money,’ – I think those were his specifications.”

  Elisabeth put her cup of tea down – then she picked it up again – she would not be weak.

  “Lady Matlock recommended Miss Howard,” her friend continued. “But Darcy and Miss Howard are just trying to get to know each other, I think – with the idea of eventually coming to an understanding. They are getting along very well, I hear.”

  The rest of the stay was uneventful. Elizabeth did not enjoy it much. She was self-aware enough to know why – it was that conversation. She had been mistaken – daydreaming. All her thoughts, ridiculous – her only consolation was, at least, nobody knew.