Be Bulletproof

by James Brooke

  ‘I ask people to think of their range of confidence as levels, numbered from one to ten,’ he says. ‘I then ask them to walk around in a space. As they walk I shout out a number, and they are then required to walk as they would walk at that level of confidence. I ask them not to act it, but to be it: to become aware of how they move, how they think, how they feel inside, how they tend to see that world, at that moment. I call out a series of numbers, so that they get used to the feeling of transitioning between one and another. I ask them to breathe out the level that they have and breathe in the new level.’

  As we develop a sense of awareness about our confidence levels, we can also experiment with them: practise breathing out the current level and breathing in a new level. As we do this, we practise extending our influence and control over our levels of confidence.14

  The memory is the primary agent of confidence. Our ancestors’ surge of testosterone happened because the recent victory was still imprinted on the mind. Doubt creeps in when thoughts of recent failures plague our minds. Our mind draws on its sense of the potency and recentness of past events to gauge the appropriate level of confidence.

  However, we now understand more and more about the human memory and what an intriguing phenomenon it is. It seems that the accepted metaphor of a library or archive is misplaced. If we cast our minds back to a memorable event, our intuitive sense is that our mind is plucking it out of the movie library and replaying it for us. A more accurate metaphor is that our mind is re-shooting the movie, sometimes with some big changes in the plot and script. Our memory does not so much recall as recreate. And each time it recreates, the pathways in our mind become deeper, making associations and, in turn, altering our thoughts and feelings.

  The thoughts that we have create observable physical changes in the brain. Alvaro-Pascual Leone, Harvard Professor of Neurology, explains this via the metaphor of snow on a hill. The shape of the hill may change little, but imagine someone taking a sled ride down the outside. The sled ride represents a thought. After it is completed, it leaves a trace in the snow. If another sled takes the same path, the rut becomes deeper. Because it is deeper, it becomes a root that future sled rides more readily follow as they go with the path of least resistance. By choosing the thoughts that we have, we can help to make those deeper sled runs in our minds more positive and helpful. As we do so, the less helpful ones become less used.15

  Peter Nicholas points out that we all have our ‘ten moments’ in confidence (when the individual feels at his or her highest level of confidence). They are, by definition, personal and unique to each of us. The moment may be something that would seem insignificant to a third-party onlooker, but it is the personal nature of ‘ten moments’ that gives them their power. The key is to make a habit of revisiting them, recreate the movie in your mind over and over. The more vivid and intense you make each aspect, the deeper that pathway for the sled to travel down in future.

  Experiment with this now. Choose a ‘ten moment’ from any aspect of your life. As you run the movie in your mind, experiment with turning up the colour, the contrast, the brightness and the volume. Move around and see it from a range of different perspectives. Practise picking out a detail and focusing your attention on it; it might be the sound, smell, colour or texture. Select a detail that is going to serve as your trigger to take you back into that thought when you need it. Let your attention rest on it for a while. Picturing that detail will now give you a ready trigger when you choose to access this level of confidence.

  Research among elite hockey players from the University of St Catherine’s, Ontario, shows that they experience a surge in testosterone when they view video footage of one of their past victories (with no change when they view neutral footage).16 Testosterone is the get-out-and-compete hormone. You will be unlikely to have a movie of one of your past successes when you need it, but this is why you create the ‘movie’ in your mind.

  Of course, your movie does not have to be a past event. Sports people learn to picture themselves experiencing ‘ten moments’ when they need one: at the height of a competitive performance. Go through the exercise again for a current event or one that is about to happen in the near future.

  Nicholas points out that the most crucial thing is to be comfortable with moving between levels of confidence when you need to. A professional performer may do all of the correct mental preparation, but may occasionally still feel confidence fall at the crucial moment. Prepare for the drop, so that if you feel it you know that you are going to be okay. Remind yourself that these things happen, breathe out the current level and breathe in the level you want to play at. Notice your confidence start to rise again.

  If you have a tough presentation coming up, ask yourself how you want to be in that presentation: what do you want to feel and look like? When was there a moment in the past when you found yourself feeling and looking like this, and operating at this level of confidence? (It can be a seemingly small incident – the important thing is that it means something to you.) Focus on that moment. Turn up the contrast, the colour, the volume for each detail in your mind. Now, picture yourself in the presentation operating in just the same style, first as a third-party onlooker, and then seeing the situation through your own eyes. Then imagine a drop in confidence – for example, you’re thrown a very difficult question, or your audience appears very taciturn – and practise breathing out. Then picture yourself simply breathing back in your restored, high level of confidence … and carry on.

  Summary

  You have the full range of levels of confidence within you

  Become aware of what you are like at each level and practise moving between them

  Think of moments when you were at a ‘level 10’ and play the movie in your head whenever it helps

  Sometimes you’ll be aware of a drop in confidence. Remind yourself that that’s fine

  Take a breath and imagine yourself ‘breathing in’ a higher level of confidence

  Create an ally among your audience in advance

  Bulletproof people boost their confidence by drawing on their bank of ‘ten moments’. They also practise being comfortable moving between levels of confidence, so that if they feel a drop at any stage they know that it will not be a problem. However, there is a further tactic. Bulletproof people do their groundwork and seek out an ally in the audience.

  Case Study 3.6

  Samantha recognised that mental toughness in front of a potentially hostile panel is essential, but in itself is not enough. The key is to win over the panel. To do this, she put in a telephone call to Alexandra, who she knew would be part of the panel. Flattering Alexandra, she pointed out that she appreciated how precious the panel’s time was and she wanted to make sure that she did all that she could to make sure that she used the panel’s time as effectively as possible. Alexandra was impressed by Samantha’s thoroughness, and, of course, she was then inclined to warm to Samantha, and even passed on some practical advice about what worked well for this group (such as use of humour, degree of formality, whether they were PowerPoint junkies or not …).

  Asking advice builds relationships in two ways: firstly, it flatters the person whom one is asking, as it suggests that we value that person’s expertise; secondly, when someone does us a favour or gives us something, they tend to like us more.

  This second phenomenon is sometimes referred to as the ‘Benjamin Franklin’ effect. During his time in the Pennsylvania Legislature, Franklin quickly needed to befriend a hitherto political foe in order to win his support in a crucial vote. When Franklin heard that his rival possessed a ‘very scarce and curious’ book, he wrote to him requesting that he lend Franklin the book. The rival legislator obliged. Franklin wrote back expressing his gratitude and emphasising his sense of the favour. Franklin won the friendship and support of his rival. He appears to have had an intuitive understanding of the way in which our minds deal with cognitive dissonance. Because our minds like consistency and congruence between our thoughts
and actions, if we show someone a kindness or do them a favour, our minds then realign our attitudes – we tend to like them more. If you want to get along with someone, ask a favour – and make a point of expressing gratitude for the favour.17

  But it goes further. Once Alexandra has given advice to Samantha, she has a stake in Samantha doing well. She feels Samantha’s performance reflects on her: if Samantha does well, it fits with Alexandra’s self-concept as someone who reads situations well and gives astute advice. Samantha has created an ally in the audience – someone who is rooting for her.

  Before a presentation, to whom can you speak in advance, asking advice and thereby creating an ally?

  Summary

  Boost your confidence by creating an ally

  Asking advice builds relationships; the advisor has an invested interest in your success

  If you want to get along with someone, ask a favour of them – and make a point of expressing gratitude for the favour

  CHAPTER 4

  HANDLING TOXIC BOSSES AND OTHER DEMENTORS

  IT’S NOT JUST Harry Potter who is at risk from soul-sucking monsters. These people are lurking in every organisation. Our immediate instinct might be to attack them full on but that will just make the situation worse. To be bulletproof against dementors, we need to use an array of strategies.

  Case Study 4.1

  Shelley enjoyed her job in the research department of an investment bank. She had been looking forward to meeting her new boss: a younger woman who had been brought in from another organisation. Shelley was naturally slightly nervous but keen to work with someone new. However, the first thirty days did not go as planned. Shelley felt ignored by her boss.

  ‘It started off that I had to ask for a time to see her rather than her arranging to see me,’ said Shelley, ‘but I assumed she was just busy, and anyway I thought it’d look good if I took the initiative. And she was very nice when we first met – pleasant, and keen to know what I’d been working on.’

  But after this initially positive meeting, Shelley continued to feel ignored as her emails and phone messages went unanswered. When she was finally called to a meeting, Shelley believed that things were finally about to change. They would now get to know each other and she welcomed the opportunity to discuss her exciting new projects.

  ‘I arranged a catch-up so my boss could see the projects and the initiatives I’d taken recently. I also wanted to ask what else I could do for her. But in some ways I wish I’d never bothered.’

  Clearly annoyed at having Shelley take up her valuable time, the new vice-president told her to stop wasting time on pet projects and focus on things that really created shareholder value for the company. Shelley was told she was a poor communicator and a poor report writer. Her boss had heard critical reports that Shelley’s commercial grasp of the company was inadequate. In the new financial climate, Shelley’s concern with ‘soft’ issues was no longer appropriate. The younger but more senior woman implied that Shelley was part of an era in the company that had passed.

  ‘By now I could see her lips moving, but couldn’t hear what she was saying any more,’ recalled Shelley. ‘Later, I began to be excluded from circulation lists and meetings were taking place that I didn’t know about. Budgets were suddenly pulled for all my projects.’

  As Shelley failed to make internal-position shortlists, even though she was well suited, her confidence hit rock bottom. Basic tasks that she once would have taken in her stride seemed beyond her.

  ‘This woman was a looming shadow over everything. I couldn’t understand why she behaved the way she did towards me,’ Shelly said, smiling sadly. ‘I just wanted to know why she didn’t like me and what I’d done to her to bring about this reaction.’

  Part of Shelley wanted to shout at her new boss, and give vent to her anger, while another part wanted to beg this woman to back off. At home, relationships were suffering. Shelley was soon suffering sleepless nights and began snapping at her husband and children. She felt an inner anger, but did not want to exacerbate the situation by letting it out. Shelley thought about getting a new job, but her confidence was at such a low ebb that she could not see how she could possibly do well at interview.

  Don’t let your boss’s problem become your problem

  There’s a saying, borne out by a wealth of research, that people do not leave companies – they leave bosses. Who hasn’t had a ‘toxic’ boss at some stage in their career? We have seen people’s entire persona appear to change with the change of boss. And despite the innumerable books on leading others, the vast majority of most of one’s career is primarily concerned with how to deal with one’s boss. Abasing oneself at the boss’s power will encourage more of the same behaviour. Seeking to be the boss’s friend will simply irritate. ‘Standing up to’ and ‘speaking truth to power’ will make you a martyr but it won’t help you. And the leadership courses that maintain that your relationship with your boss is no different from your relationship with any professional colleagues are simply wrong.

  Bosses, like customers, are not exceptionally virtuous or exceptionally malevolent. Their profile matches the population as a whole. About one in thirty would be a diagnosable sociopath, if they ever bothered to be diagnosed. Other than that, your boss is a fallible human being with the usual bundle of insecurities. If you have a boss who appears to have aspects of a dysfunctional personality, you will not change their behaviour with a heart-to-heart, clear-the-air conversation. It is fatal to get on your boss’s radar as an emotionally high-maintenance or oversensitive employee. (There may be a time when it’s right to confront your boss with a conversation to tackle things that need to change, but it is not necessarily the right approach and can be counterproductive.)

  On the other hand, if someone acts towards you in a way that you perceive to be derisory, disrespectful or bullying, your temptation may well be to start plotting a victory against the person. Forget it. Is this really a worthy focus for your talents? There are far smarter ways for you to come out on top in the longer run.

  Here again, mindfulness helps. For many people their progression through life is a series of emotional reactions to the machinations of others. This is inevitable if we lack the faculty to step back from our emotions and dispassionately become aware of them. If we do not practise stepping back, becoming aware and making choices, we end up being complicit in the other person’s drama. By default we take on the role in which the other person has – intentionally or unintentionally – cast us. Awareness leads to choice.

  As with most tough situations, there is the risk of slipping into the ‘about-me’ thinking error here. To start thinking ‘I must be an unworthy person, look at the way I am being treated’ is understandable but not helpful. The way in which your boss behaves is down to their choice – it’s not about you. You do not make anybody treat you in a certain way.

  You may not like the way your boss behaves, but the odds are they are not plotting against you. Remember the Barry Manilow experiment from chapter two? You almost certainly do not loom as large on your boss’s scan of the landscape as you assume. Bear in mind the mind-reading error: we are inclined to make assumptions about other people’s intentions and we are inclined to overestimate the extent to which we feature in those intentions.

  Your boss behaves in a certain way because he is a fallible human being. He may be considerably more fallible than most. His behaviour may be unreasonable. Our sole aim is to help you to reach the outcomes in a given situation that work best for you.

  Ask the ‘how am I feeling when I behave like that?’ question. The answer is probably ‘I almost never behave like that’. But ‘almost never’ is not the same as ‘never’. Asking yourself this question will not change your boss’s behaviour but it will remind you that your boss – like you – is a fallible human being.

  It may be that what you observe within your boss is a relatively stable trait. In other words, it is not specific to you, but it may appear that way as the aspects of this
behaviour that are directed towards you will draw more of your attention. If people behave in a cold or hostile way towards us, it is often because they sense – regardless of whether we have done anything to justify the impression – that we do not like them.

  Shelley is clearly giving her boss too much power and influence over her. Her thoughts and her horizons are getting smaller as she focuses on this woman. It may be that Shelley is applying a rigid rule – ‘my boss should like me’ – so she could change her thinking to be more flexible. Of course, she wants to be liked by everybody, but she could ask: ‘What actually matters if my boss doesn’t like me? I can still carry on doing my work, even if there isn’t a great relationship between us.’

  Change that ‘should’ rule into a flexible preference, such as, ‘I prefer to get along with my boss, but if that’s not happening right now, I can still function.’ The behaviour that you observe in your boss may not be good or pretty, but remind yourself it is because she is a fallible human being.

  We spoke to a woman called Karen who was convinced that her boss did not like or respect her and was looking to oust her from her position. An experienced PA, Karen had recently inherited a new boss: a charismatic woman, who Karen informed us ‘has a problem with other women’. Karen ‘knew’ her boss did not respect her because she did not respect her time or her personal life. Karen felt that her boss had set out to make her life intolerable.

  When we pressed Karen for the hard factual evidence of this, it seemed to centre on the fact that her boss regularly gave Karen work to do at very short notice with unfeasible deadlines, meaning Karen would feel obliged to work way beyond office hours. Karen’s boss’s behaviour could not be disputed, but what about the intention? Could there be an alternative explanation and, if there was, could Karen find a way to deal with it? We left Karen to ponder. When we met Karen again, she seemed like a different person. Karen had experimented by replacing the thought ‘my boss doesn’t respect me’ with the thought ‘my boss is disorganised’. Karen had helped to organise her boss by going through her workload at the start of each day. The relationship was transformed.