Be Bulletproof

by James Brooke

  Freddie’s relationship with his boss was also fraught. Freddie was an account executive at a larger marketing services firm. When Freddie went on a sales call with his boss, the sales director, his boss would insist that they went in his Jaguar. At the end of the day, Freddie’s boss would leave him hanging around until well into the evening, while he tended to business, often taking an office at the client’s premises after hours to do paperwork. Freddie would get home late in the evening. ‘It’s a power trip for the guy,’ Freddie told us. ‘He leaves me hanging around every evening to show that he can.’

  After examining alternative explanations, Freddie explained to his boss that he had a young family and it suited him not to be home too late in the evening. He requested that, if they were likely to be out late, Freddie could travel independently. The sales director was happy to oblige. It turned out the sales director had no family and he enjoyed being out on the road; he assumed everybody else did, too. He didn’t have family obligations himself, so these were a blind spot to him.

  Clarify three things in your mind:

  • The behaviour that you see

  • The way in which you interpret that behaviour

  • The feelings that you have when you witness the behaviour

  The first is fact, the second is interpretation and the third is feeling. (If it helps, write them down.) What thought do you have when you witness this behaviour? What other explanations are there for your boss’s behaviour?

  Is there another way to interpret your boss’s behaviour? Are you assuming some sort of intention behind your boss’s behaviour? If so, it is worth reminding yourself that this is your assumption – it is not fact. Reminding yourself of this may well help you to think of more practical ways to deal with the behaviour.

  Summary

  Bosses aren’t exceptionally virtuous or malevolent – they’re actually fallible humans with all the usual insecurities

  It’s unlikely you loom as large on your boss’s radar as you assume

  Your boss’s behaviour may not be specific to you only

  Bulletproof people are able to step back from their emotions about their boss and become more dispassionate about how they feel

  It’s easier for you to change your behaviour than for you to change your boss’s

  Make your boss a customer

  They might have authority over you but your boss is not analogous to a parent or a teacher. Your boss may or may not take an interest in your career. Your boss may or may not choose to look out for you. Yes, these things might happen but none of them is the primary purpose of your boss. Your boss is someone with whom you interact to meet her needs and your needs – and they’re looking after themselves.

  Your boss is first and foremost a customer. As with any customer, it’s important to find out what motivates them, what their priorities in life are – and to focus on those. They might not be what you consider important but sometimes it’s important to be pragmatic rather than be preoccupied by your own needs. Challenging your rigid rules is relevant here, too. So with a boss who seems determined to have things his or her way and to turn everything into confrontation it might be necessary to say, ‘I’d prefer to stand up to people, but I’m okay if they have their way once in a while,’ or ‘I’d prefer to do things this way, but I’m okay if we do this bit of the project that way.’

  Again, choose your battles.

  So, back to Shelley. We asked her to identify a time when she had worked successfully with an individual who had a difficult manner, who did not readily seek rapport or who appeared to be high-maintenance. During her previous role with a consulting firm, Shelly had taken real pride in her ability to navigate difficult or high-maintenance customers. The breakthrough for Shelley came when she started viewing her boss as her customer: a relationship to be navigated in order to meet the needs of both parties.

  Bosses are also like customers: they are transient. (Remember the temporary-versus-permanence test, and ask, ‘Is this really the way things are going to be, or can I expect things to change before too long?’) Your strategy is to navigate the relationship so that both your needs are met, until you are in a position to move forward to a boss who works better for you. Ask yourself whether or not you have higher emotional intelligence than your boss. If you do, then you are in a strong position to navigate the relationship. And, of course, remember the temporary-versus-permanence test. It is tempting to think that you are lumbered with this lousy boss in perpetuity. You are not. Like a customer, a boss is both transient and manageable.

  Viewing your boss as a customer works because it implies a healthy distance, which takes some of the intensity out of the situation. It emphasises the fact that you have more control and latitude than you have been assuming, and it shifts your thinking from problem-focused thinking into goal-focused thinking.

  • problem-focused thinking – my boss is difficult and unreasonable

  • goal-focused thinking – how am I going to manage this difficult customer to achieve a successful outcome? What would work well? What strategies can I think of?

  If your boss was a customer, your starting point would be to look at your ‘customer insight’. What do you know about her? What are her likes and dislikes? Adapt your approach just as you would for a customer. Take pride in your ability to be flexible and adaptive. If you do not see a pay-off in terms of a change in your boss’s behaviour, don’t worry, and stick with it. You can’t control the way someone else responds.

  Case Study 4.2

  Simon was head of PR at a financial services company. One day he was introduced to his new boss, Amanda. Amanda was vice-president of marketing and would report to the chief communications officer, whom Simon used to report to before Amanda’s arrival. As time went on, Simon, who already sensed that he had moved down in the pecking order, felt that Amanda seemed to barely respect his seniority and experience. Relations started to deteriorate.

  Simon felt his status under threat so he responded with strategies intended to reassert his talent and importance. Simon had to work directly with the CEO on the annual statement to the shareholders, and he would often drop the CEO’s name to Amanda. When we met Simon, he appeared to be at the end of his tether. When he achieved some significant press coverage, he would not mention it directly to Amanda; instead he would leave it for other senior people to spot the coverage and congratulate the department. The deterioration in Simon and Amanda’s relationship accelerated. Amanda became increasingly angry and manifested this in her behaviour towards Simon, which he took as demeaning.

  ‘We rarely communicated, other than with the odd email, and I could hardly even bear to look at her in meetings,’ he told us. ‘I’m sure other people noticed. I was getting pretty worried about my career at the company.’

  However, when we caught up with Simon some time later, he could not have been happier. The relationship had diametrically reversed; he told us, ‘I’ve got all the time in the world for Amanda now.’ So, what made the difference?

  ‘I learnt how Amanda likes to be communicated with,’ Simon explained. ‘I was getting great press I thought she would be delighted about. But Amanda hates surprises. When the CEO called her up to say “Great piece in The Times today,” far from it being a pleasant surprise, she felt exposed and undermined. Now I’m meticulous about keeping Amanda informed. That works for her and gives her confidence.’

  Simon also realised that Amanda liked systems and lists. ‘Like a lot of people in the media, I tend to work fast and go with my instinct – my desk is always awash with Post-it notes and I prefer to have a quick chat with people about things rather than send memos and reports. I get the work done and I’m efficient, but that’s just how I operate. But when I realised that Amanda likes to have everything written down with plans, spreadsheets and tick boxes, I started to produce those for her. It’s not my way, but if she wants it and she’s my boss, then I’ll do it for her. It also means that I’m in a better position to try to persuade her
about something that’s really important to me.’

  Simon had turned Amanda into a customer.

  One of the best pieces of advice to anyone at the start of their career is: seek customers, don’t seek bosses. A seemingly toxic boss is simply an emotionally high-maintenance customer. Your boss may have unresolved emotional issues that play themselves out in the workplace. That’s fine. That’s his right as an imperfect human being.

  Summary

  Your boss is first and foremost a customer – knowing this implies a healthy distance

  Your boss is transient – you need to navigate this relationship until you can move on

  Bulletproof people put themselves in the driving seat by creating options for themselves

  Identify the extent of control and influence you have and use it to the maximum

  Life can’t always be fair

  In our observation, the other reason why people so often continue to push down a dead end is because of the innate desire to see fairness. This so often leads to unproductive behaviour. When in discussions, we frequently help an individual identify a more productive route out of an unhelpful situation; the instinctive response is along the lines of: ‘But that’s not fair. Why should it be me who moves/changes … surely he/she should … etc.’

  Fairness is an exceptionally strong human value. Just look at any newspaper or news programme: stories of injustice – whether it’s people cheating the social security system or being cheated themselves by large companies – are always good copy. No surprise there, from an evolutionary point of view, except that research shows repeatedly that we have a powerful drive for fairness, even in scenarios where we personally are not involved and stand to make no gain or suffer no loss.18

  The demand for fairness when it yields us no direct personal gain and may even cost us is commonplace and probably stems from way back in our evolutionary past. During our research, we’ve observed many people stuck in unproductive cycles of behaviour because their inner child is crying out for fairness and won’t let them walk away and choose a more productive alternative.

  When we put this idea to Mal, a 56-year-old engineer, he nodded but looked uncomfortable. Mal was a rocket scientist; he had been an engineer at NASA and had one of the highest recorded IQs that we had ever come across. He had been doing a coaching course that had emphasised the importance of identifying, and sticking with, your core, irreducible and unshakeable value. For Mal, this was fairness. He saw the inherent sense in what we were saying, but went on to say, ‘It just feels like, well … if I’m not all about fairness, then I’m not all about anything.’ Mal rightly valued fairness but he had hard-baked this into a rigid rule. Mal carried the rule in his mind: ‘Things around me must always, always be fair, come what may.’

  It turned out that this rule had got Mal into a number of unhelpful situations, one of which was ongoing. He was seen as stubborn and naïve, as he refused to sign off on a project because he thought one of the teams involved had been treated unfairly. Colleagues felt that he was jeopardising people’s jobs over a point of principle.

  Almost a year later, Mal told us how relationships at work had been transformed. He felt relaxed, confident and better about himself. He had modified his rule about fairness to make it more flexible: ‘I very much prefer things to be fair, but if that’s really not going to happen in a situation, I’m okay with that.’

  Shelley, who you may recall had had a similarly strained relationship with her boss, had a similar insight. Part of the breakthrough for Shelley came when she recognised that she was carrying a rigid rule in her mind concerning her boss. Modifying this and making it more flexible helped Shelley to move on: ‘I would prefer [my boss] to recognise my good work and that she has been treating me unfairly, but I understand that this is not likely to happen. I am okay with that and I can move on.’

  If you feel your inner cave dweller shouting, ‘But it’s not fair!’, calm down and reassure the poor soul with: ‘Sure, it’s not fair, and it would be nice if it were, but I’m okay, I can live with it.’

  Summary

  People often end up in a dead end by being determined to satisfy their innate desire for fairness

  A strong belief in fairness can often lead to unproductive behaviours

  When ‘it’s not fair’, calm your inner cave dweller. Bulletproof people say, ‘I’m okay and can live with it’

  How to communicate with a toxic boss

  You may choose to have a formal conversation with your boss in order to draw his attention to the behaviour that you find unacceptable. There are two risks to be aware of here:

  • If the effect of your boss’s behaviour is what he intends, by drawing attention to it you confirm that it is having the intended effect and, therefore, reward and reinforce it

  • If your boss is apparently impervious to the effect of the behaviour then, let’s face it, emotional intelligence is not his or her strong suit. Having their attention drawn to the emotional parameters of the relationship will probably irritate them. You don’t want to be seen as an emotionally high-maintenance employee

  You may feel that your boss should show more emotional intelligence, but how realistic is it that this particular wish of yours will come to fruition? So, let go of ‘should’. Remember ‘should’ is often accompanied by its best mate, ‘isn’t going to’. After all, your boss is a customer. How much time and energy would you normally invest in the belief that a customer should be more emotionally intelligent?

  There are some effective things that you can do when communicating with a toxic boss. But, of course, in line with one of the key themes of this book, it is one thing to know the right thing to do, it is quite another to do it in the heat of the moment. Remember the power of the cave dweller. Your boss might behave to you in a range of passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive, verbal or non-verbal ways. You will know the right thing to do, but your mind will automatically be processing the under-assault sensation. The cave dweller will have been prodded with a big stick.

  There is a technique that you can use to make sure you choose the right response in the moment. Again, it comes down to being mindful. It’s the breath that creates that all-important space to think clearly in the moment. Deep, relaxing breathing has a remarkable physiological effect on us. Just as brief shallow breaths tell our heart to start pumping because we are in trouble, deep, easy breaths tell the brain and body that we are okay.

  In the next couple of conversations that you have, remember the breathing technique we mentioned earlier and make a point of taking one deep, easy breath before you respond to anything that somebody says to you. In the first instance, simply become aware of how it feels. The breath will be imperceptible to the person whom you are talking with, but to you it means awareness, choice and being in control.

  The golden rule when dealing with a relationship that features behaviour that you find undesirable is simply not to reward it. Rewarding the behaviour means showing that it is having a significant effect on you. So, minimise any sense of drama. You are only drawing attention to the behaviour because it is a temporary hindrance to getting the job done. And remember that bad behaviour is always the responsibility of the perpetrator of that behaviour. Keep that the focus – not your emotions. The tone should be adult and businesslike. Below are just a couple of good examples of how to achieve this:

  • ‘Brian, I want to work with you on this but I can only do so if you talk to me in a civil manner. Now, let’s start again, shall we …’

  • ‘Brian, I’m looking to help here, but it doesn’t help me to help you if you raise your voice … let’s start again …’

  • ‘Brian, it doesn’t serve either of us well to get side-tracked into personal abuse. Let’s start again …’

  The message is always about the perpetrator of the behaviour, not about the recipient of it. So, avoid responses like:

  • ‘How could you treat me like that?’

  • ‘How dare you talk to me like
that?!’

  • ‘That really hurt my feelings.’

  It is far better to say something along the lines of:

  • ‘Are you having a bad day?’

  • ‘Did something I said or did anger you?’

  You may also need to deal with bosses who don’t shout and get angry, but who are surly, quiet and passive-aggressive. Using long silences is a ploy that people use to unnerve others. The key is to draw attention to it. You can readily puncture this ploy via the telephone by simply asking, ‘Are you still there …?’

  When it is face to face you can say something like, ‘I notice that you are not responding. Should I take it that this is because you are unhappy about something?’

  A toxic boss will often signify his vague unhappiness or discontent without being specific. Remember, it is the responsibility of the one signalling discontent to be clear and specific about the alternative that he wishes to see. By putting the ball in his court to articulate a clear request, it will cause him to think more carefully in future before signifying vague disapproval. Try phrases like: ‘I sensed you were unhappy about that. What would work better for you?’

  If you feel that a toxic boss or co-worker is encouraging you to take up a role to play in the scenario that he has set up, do not reward him by taking up the role. A clear break in rapport helps. When we want to be in rapport with someone, we mirror body language and match voice tone and intonation. Doing the reverse breaks rapport in a way that signals you are not participating in the game or drama.

  We observed one highly efficient office manager deal with a co-worker who arrived back in the office after a boozy boys’ lunch and started to bait her with a nickname. She finished the job she was doing, turned to look at him, emotionless for a moment, and then simply said: ‘Can I help you with something?’