srsly Hamlet (OMG Shakespeare)
Page 2
Ophelia
fine. but he’s not gonna like it.
Ophelia has updated her relationship status from “In a relationship” to “It’s complicated.”
REPLY
[Scene 4]
Claudius has posted 11 new photos to the album: Here We Go a-Wassailing! —with Queen Gertrude and 10 others.
Queen Gertrude likes this.
REPLY
Hamlet
It’s almost midnight. LET’S DO THIS. #FOMO
REPLY
Group text: Marcellus, Hamlet, Horatio
Marcellus
Where u @?!
Hamlet
On the way to the gate.
Horatio
Almost there.
Marcellus
K. What’s all that coming from the ?
Hamlet
Don’t remind me. My uncle is getting .
Marcellus
Srsly? Kings still do that on their wedding nite??
Hamlet
Not the good ones. FML.
Marcellus
Look out!! I think I see the !
Hamlet
I see it, too! It wants me to follow him!
Horatio
NO. It’s too dangerous.
Hamlet
What’s the worst that could happen? I DIE? Have u forgotten how much my life sucks right now?
Horatio
STOP. Hamlet, please.
Hamlet
Another word and I’ll you, Horatio. I swear to God.
Horatio
Marcellus
Something is in the state of Denmark.
REPLY
[Scene 5]
Hamlet and Ghost of Hamlet have checked into Creepy Black Forest.
Ghost
Hamlet, I don’t have much , but I must tell you a terrible , and ask for your help in avenging my MURDER.
Hamlet
MURDER?!
Ghost
Yes, MURDER. While I was in the , a stung me. And that now wears my .
Hamlet
I knew it! Uncle-Dad Claudius!
Ghost
Yes. That wicked took my life, my , my , my —everything!
Hamlet
How???
Ghost
While I was , poured some into my . Poison! I never had a chance. If you ever really ed me, you will 2 .
Hamlet
Of course I will! Um , what about Aunt-Mom?
Ghost
It’s not up to us to punish her. Leave her to the . Now I have to go. Good-bye, Hamlet. Remember me.
Hamlet
You have my word. Revenge is all I can think about now. I swear it will be done.
Group text: Horatio, Marcellus, Hamlet
Horatio
Hamlet, where did you go?
Marcellus
Everything OK?!
Hamlet
Yes, but promise never to repeat ANYTHING that happened tonight.
Marcellus
I sweat!
Horatio
I sweat, too!
Marcellus
*swear lolz #DamnYouAutocomplete
Hamlet
Guys, this is serious.
Marcellus
Sry, sry. I swear!
Horatio
Me too.
Hamlet
Good. Cut & paste that a few more times so I know you mean it.
Horatio
I swear! I swear! I swear!
Marcellus
I swear! I swear! I swear!
R we good? I don’t have unlimited txts.
Hamlet
Okay, but listen—and this is important—from now on, I will be acting . You guys have to go along with it. Okay?
Marcellus
K
Horatio
[Scene 1]
Polonius
I need u 2 keep close on my son.
Reynaldo
What 4, boss?
Polonius
He’s going off 2 , and u know what that means.
Reynaldo
A lifetime of student loans?
Polonius
No! I’m worried he’ll b !
Reynaldo
I see. And how would you like me to find out?
Polonius
Tell people he’s been !
Reynaldo
Huh?
Polonius
If u that he does & other people agree, then we’ll know he does!
Reynaldo
don’t u think that will give him a bad reputation? IMHO
Polonius
Just make it seem like NBD. He’s young! He’s free! We’ll use lies 2 find out the truth. Get it now?
Reynaldo
Whatever u say, boss.
Ophelia
dad! help! i need you!!!!!!!!!
Polonius
What’s wrong?
Ophelia
it’s hamlet. he stormed into my room looking like he’d seen a and rambled like a person!!! then he just at me and walked out the again!!!!!!
Polonius
like he’s lost his mind. Did u do anything 2 make him ?
Ophelia
only EXACTLY what YOU told me to do!!! not txt him or respond to his txts.
Polonius
That must b it. He’s gone bc he u. I’ll tell the king at once. Brb.
[Scene 2]
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have checked into Elsinore Castle—with Queen Gertrude and King Claudius.
Group text: Gertrude, Guildenstern, Claudius, Rosencrantz
Gertrude
Welcome! I’m so you made it to the safely. Meet us in the lobby?
Guildenstern
Of course! B right there.
Claudius
And thx again for offering 2 talk 2 Hamlet.
Rosencrantz
Happy 2 help. Hopefully we’ll get 2 the bottom of this.
Gertrude
If his two BFFs can’t get through to him, IDK what will.
Guildenstern
Wish us !
Welcome, Gertrude! You have 10 new messages from Polonius waiting in folder: Spam.
Claudius
Did u c all the Polonius sent? He said they r from Hamlet 2 Ophelia.
Gertrude
Nope. I forward everything from Polonius to my spam folder.
Claudius
He thinks he wut’s wrong w/ Hamlet.
Gertrude
Besides the fact that his father is dead and I just married you?
Claudius
Yeah, Polonius thinks Hamlet Ophelia. U think that could b it?
Gertrude
Only one way to out the truth.
Welcome, Claudius! You have received an e-card from Voltimand and Cornelius.
Good news! We talked 2 Fortinbras’s uncle, Old Norway, and he said he is willing 2 attack Poland instead of us! Looks like we’re safe 4 now. Denmark FTW!
Group text: Claudius, Polonius, Gertrude
Claudius
Polonius, can u PROVE that Hamlet is bc he Ophelia?
Polonius
Let’s have her reach out 2 him and what happens. I’ll text him 2.
Polonius
Hello. How r u?
Hamlet
Fine, thx.
Polonius
U know who this is, rite?
Hamlet
Yes, of course. You’re a !
Polonius
No, u must b thinking of sum1 else.
Hamlet
Well, I wish you were a because at least those guys are honest.
Polonius
IDK what u r talking about.
Hamlet
Do you have a daughter?
Polonius
U know that I do.
Hamlet
Watch out for her. It’s a dangerous we live in.
Polonius
Tru …uh, so what r u up 2?
Hamlet
Reading.
Polonius
What are you reading?
Hamlet
Polonius
But what r the about?
Hamlet
About a old fool! Imagine that! Srsly, an can become a if like a crab u go backward.
Polonius
Ah. Well, I guess I should let u go.
Hamlet
I guess you should.
Polonius
Not gonna name names, but there’s a method 2 a CERTAIN someone’s madness.
REPLY
Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Hamlet
Rosencrantz
Guess what?
Guildenstern
R&G in the !
Hamlet
You came to see me in ?
Rosencrantz
You’re on fire?!?!
Hamlet
No, no. Hell. Why are you here?
Rosencrantz
We wanted 2 see u.
Hamlet
Ah, so no one MADE you come?
Rosencrantz
No.
Guildenstern
Yes.
I mean no?
Rosencrantz
I mean yes?
Hamlet
SMH you two need to get your straight.
Rosencrantz
Guildenstern
Hamlet
Just FYI: I’m depressed. Life is supposed to be s and but right now I don’t feel anything.
Rosencrantz
That sux, but we have a that might cheer u up.
Hamlet
What’s that?
Guildenstern
A !
Rosencrantz
We brought a bunch of actors from the .
Hamlet
Oh yeah? Can I pick the ?
Guildenstern
Of course, if it will make u feel better.
Hamlet
Oh, it most certainly will.
Hamlet has added 1 script for the play The Murder of Gonzago and 1 Wite-Out bottle to cart.
[Scene 1]
2 or 2 , that is the . Is it better to muddle through a miserable life you have no control over? Or is it better to back and maybe win? If I died—if I gave up and threw in the towel—all my problems would go away. I’d have no more or .
But could be even worse than life! WTF. Maybe it’s better to deal with the problems I have than end up with others that are WORSE? That’s the thing, isn’t it? We’re all cowards because we don’t know what comes next. So we muddle through, and don’t do anything for fear of making things worse. #TheStruggleIsReal
Claudius
I think u should have Ophelia talk 2 Hamlet. Then we can the txts and decide wut 2 do.
Polonius
K stay tuned!
Hamlet has checked into the Elsinore Castle Lobby.
Hamlet
Hi.
Ophelia
how are you?
Hamlet
Been better.
Ophelia
we need to talk. i have to give you back all the you wrote me.
Hamlet
I never wrote you any .
Ophelia
don’t make this harder than it has to be. you know you did. and they were beautiful and appreciated, but i can’t keep them. it’s just not working out.
hamlet?
SAY SOMETHING!
Hamlet
What do you want me to say?
Ophelia
i don’t know. SOMETHING.
Hamlet
You know, I really did you.
Ophelia
i know.
Hamlet
And yet I didn’t you at all.
Ophelia
????
Hamlet
Look. Just give up on and join the . IMHO all are terrible, and the last thing you need is to start a in this wretched . I don’t get it. dress up and dumb down. and talk. It’s all so fake. I’M SICK OF IT.
Ophelia
wow. tell me how you really feel.
Hamlet
GO.
Ophelia
Ophelia has changed her relationship status from “It’s complicated” to “Single.”
REPLY
Horatio: Oh no, what happened?
Rosencrantz: Are you going to the show tonight?
Polonius
How did it go?
Ophelia
you were right about hamlet. i have the txts to prove it.
Polonius
I’ll let the know.………
Ophelia is listening to “Men Suck Breakup Mix.”
Claudius
ness in great 1s must be watched.
REPLY
Hamlet: Agreed.
[Scene 2]
Hamlet
Horatio, I need to talk to you.
Horatio
What’s up? The is about to start and I want a good .
Hamlet
It’s about the ! I had the cast add a scene of my own , and I want you to watch the king’s face when that part is acted out. ? ? ?
Horatio
What kind of scene?
Hamlet
Basically the murder of my father in the . If my uncle looks guilty, we’ll know that the was telling the truth. Claudius is a murderer!
Horatio
Brilliant . I’ll keep my on him, and we’ll meet up after to discuss.
Chat Server
Elsinore Castle Theater Presents:
The Murder of Gonzago REMIX
Claudius: Show ! Every1 find ur seats.
Hamlet: The setup is taking too long. Can’t they get on with it?
Ophelia: stop posting and pay attention. it’ll be quick.
Hamlet: Quick as a certain mother’s love?
Rosencrantz: I’ll tell u what ur mother luvs.
Horatio: Is it just me or does that actress look like the queen?
Gertrude: I don’t see it. That actress complains too much. Probably lying.
Polonius: I don’t get what’s going on. Some1 explain this 2 me!!!!!