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srsly Hamlet (OMG Shakespeare)

Page 3

by William Shakespeare


  Hamlet: The actress is confessing her for her husband and saying that if he dies, then she’ll never remarry because that would be like him dying twice. Fidelity FTW.

  Rosencrantz: Whoa. That totally went over my head. G?

  Guildenstern: Yeah, I got nothing.

  Hamlet: Keep watching.

  Polonius: OK I am lost again!! 2 bad this play doesn’t come with a GPS. lolz

  Rosencrantz: Yah. Hamlet. A little help here??

  Hamlet: Srsly? Very basic stuff, guys. The woman’s husband was murdered by a villain while the husband was asleep in the orchard. The murderer poisoned him—then ended up with his and !

  Gertrude: Hamlet, have we seen this one before? #DejaVu

  Claudius: STOP THE PLAY. SHUT IT DOWN.

  Ophelia: what’s going on?

  Polonius: is canceled! Everybody go !!

  Guildenstern: WTF. should we ?

  Hamlet

  Did you see what just happened?!

  The was right! My uncle’s when he heard “poison.”

  Horatio

  Congrats? ? What happens now?

  Hamlet

  Wait and .

  Group text: Guildenstern, Hamlet, Rosencrantz

  Guildenstern

  Hamlet, the wants 2 talk 2 u.

  Rosencrantz

  I don’t get u. We used to be .

  Hamlet

  We’re still !

  Guildenstern

  So tell us why you’re acting like this!!!!

  Hamlet

  Send me a video of you playing a song.

  Guildenstern

  WTF. IDK how to play .

  Hamlet

  It would mean a lot to me.

  Guildenstern

  I couldn’t even if I wanted 2.

  Hamlet

  lol

  Guildenstern

  What’s funny?

  Hamlet

  You don’t know about and you admit it. And yet you would play ME even though you know NOTHING about my situation. YOU THINK I’M SIMPLER TO UNDERSTAND THAN A !!!

  Guildenstern

  Wow, it just got cold in here.

  Rosencrantz

  #shade

  Polonius

  The queen wants 2 c u asap.

  Hamlet

  I’ll go when I damn well please.

  Polonius

  I can say you better do it soon!

  Hamlet

  “You better do it soon” is easy to say. lolz

  Polonius has been added to your “Blocked Caller” list

  Ugh. I’ve come this far. I better not fall off now. I’ll be strong and not let my mother convince me to give up my father’s mission. I will her…metaphorically…with my words. (Didn’t mean for that to sound awkward.)

  [Scene 3]

  Group text: Claudius, Guildenstern, Rosencrantz

  Claudius

  I h8 that stupid kid! He’s completely outta control!! I need 2 send him away. 2 !

  Guildenstern

  Sending him away seems like the only option. You’re the . It’s best 4 everybody 2 get him out of here.

  Rosencrantz

  We’ll go w/ him.

  Claudius

  Please do. & hurry!

  Polonius

  My lord, Hamlet is going 2 swing by to see Gertrude. I’m gonna hide behind the drapes and watch what happens.

  I’ll let u know how it goes b4 .

  Claudius

  Thx!

  I murdered my brother. Does that make me a terrible person? This is some Cain and Abel right here. I can’t even , I feel so guilty. And at the same , I am still with the outcome! Is there nothing I can do 2 ever make up 4 my crime? Guess it doesn’t rly matter. Wut’s done is done. I can’t change it n-e-way so I may as well enjoy it! My , , etc. Things r looking ! So wut can I say? #SorryNotSorry

  You’ll never freaking believe this. I saw Claudius PRAYING today. In the . That . PRAYING. What am I supposed to do with that?! I thought about him right there, but that doesn’t help me because if I kill him when he’s “repenting,” then he’ll just go str8 to . Meanwhile he poisoned MY father when he least suspected it. So Dad didn’t even get a chance to make up for all the things he did wrong in his life. Now he’s basically in forever (or something…not sure how that works).

  I will just have to wait to Claudius the next time he does something terrible. Which shouldn’t be long, considering his hobbies consist of , Mom, and people. He needs to go to hell where he belongs. #RoyalProblems

  [Scene 4]

  Polonius

  Hamlet’s on his way. R u ready? Remember, tell him ur of his games. I’m gonna hide.

  Gertrude

  I know. We’ve been over this. Go!

  Gertrude

  Where are you?

  Hamlet

  Coming over. I heard you wanted to talk?

  Gertrude

  Hurry up. Your father is really with you.

  Hamlet

  My father?! MY father is really with YOU!

  Gertrude

  What’s wrong?! I didn’t raise you this way. Have you forgotten who I am?

  Hamlet

  You’re the QUEEN. Your husband’s brother’s wife! And my MOTHER (though I wish you weren’t).

  Gertrude

  Are you *trying* to make my stop beating?

  Hamlet

  Hold on. I’m here, but I heard a noise.…

  Gertrude

  What?

  Hamlet

  It’s coming from…

  INSIDE OUR HOUSE.

  Gertrude

  I’m sure it’s nothing.

  Hamlet

  BRB

  Gertrude

  HAMLET?

  Where are you?

  HAMLET?!?! Answer me!!

  Hamlet

  Mom.

  I just someone.

  Gertrude

  WHAT?!

  Hamlet

  Come over and help me. I’m scared to look.

  Gertrude

  You just KILLED someone?! That’s bad.

  Hamlet

  I guess it’s almost as bad as, say, murdering a king and his wife.

  Gertrude

  Hamlet

  I said what I said.

  Hamlet

  Anyone know a good lawyer?

  REPLY

  Hamlet

  It was Polonius. That !

  Gertrude

  You killed Polonius?!

  Hamlet

  I thought it was the king! ARGH. Why did Polonius have to get involved?! Mom, listen to me. I need you to have a here.

  Gertrude

  What have I done that is so, SO terrible that you won’t forgive me?

  Hamlet

  Mom. Look at this pic.

  Look @ Dad. Look how royal and regal he is. He LOOKS like a true king because HE IS A TRUE KING. This was your husband.

  Gertrude

  Aw. I loved that outfit.

  Hamlet

  Now look @ Claudius.

  See how many filters he uses? You can’t honestly tell me you’re *attracted* to him. You’re now! Not and horny.

  Gertrude

  Watch it.

  Hamlet

  How could you do this, really? Marry a murderer who cheated his way to the ? It SICKENS me. If there was an emoji for vomit, I’d send it to you.

  Gertrude

  Hamlet. Please. You’re making me feel .

  Hamlet

  I’m just telling you the truth, Mom. Think about where you at night.

  Gertrude

  HAMLET! STOP!

  Ghost

  Hamlet.

  Hamlet

  Oh, hey, Dad. Kinda in the middle of something.

  Ghost

  Just checking in. Wanted to make sure you were following the plan. Remember, don’t punish your mother.

  Hamlet

  Hold on. Just got a text from Dad. I’ll send it to you.

  Gertrude

  Um…I don
’t see anything.

  Hamlet

  Let me try again.

  Gertrude

  Nope.

  Hamlet

  How can you not see it?! IT’S DAD!!!

  Gertrude

  Hamlet, I understand you’re upset. But it’s all in your head. You’re hallucinating. Getting txt messages from a dead man? That’s talk.

  Is there anything you want to tell me? ILY no matter what.

  Hamlet

  NO. You just can’t admit you did something wrong. So you’re putting it on me. But it’s not too late. Dump Claudius. Make things right.

  Gertrude

  Hamlet, you’ve broken my in two.

  Hamlet

  Well, keep the good 1/2 and throw out the bad!

  …You still there?

  Gertrude

  Barely.

  Hamlet

  I’m going to tomorrow.

  Gertrude

  I almost forgot. Do you have 2?

  Hamlet

  Yeah, my has already been charged. Can’t let down my “good friends” Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. Though it’s probably not the worst thing for me to get out of the for a while. Because Polonius.

  Moving the body now. G’night.

  [Scene 1]

  Gertrude

  Come quickly.

  Claudius

  Wut’s wrong? Everything OK?

  Gertrude

  I don’t even know where to start.

  Claudius

  OIC. It’s Hamlet, isn’t it? What did he do now?

  Gertrude

  Long short, he’s as as ever. He heard Polonius spying on him and him to death. So awful.

  Claudius

  OMG that could have been me!!

  He’s outta control. We let him get away w/ everything 2 easy.

  Where is he now?

  Gertrude

  Getting rid of the body. You know, I think he actually feels bad about it.

  Claudius

  #NotMyProblem #ICouldCareLess

  Gertrude

  You mean you couldn’t care less.

  Claudius

  Huh? We need 2 do serious damage control. Our only option is 2 get in front of this. That way it doesn’t…wait 4 it…stab us in the back.

  Gertrude

  DO NOT make puns right now.

  Claudius

  Oh come on. It’s a layup.

  Gertrude

  I mean it. I’m not in the mood.

  Group text: Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern

  Claudius

  I need u 2 get help ASAP. Hamlet has killed Polonius. Find Hamlet & bring the body 2 the . NOW!!!

  [Scene 2]

  Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Hamlet

  Rosencrantz

  What have u done w/ the body?

  Hamlet

  It’s where it belongs.

  Rosencrantz

  It belongs in the . Tell us!!!!

  Hamlet

  Why should I tell you anything? You’re just a pawn of the king. He takes what he wants, and then he disposes of you when he’s done.

  Rosencrantz

  IDK what you’re talking about.

  Hamlet

  THAT I believe.

  [Scene 3]

  Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Claudius

  Rosencrantz

  He won’t tell us anything.

  Guildenstern

  He’s just playing games.

  Claudius

  WHERE IS POLONIUS?

  Hamlet

  At supper.

  Claudius

  Huh?

  Hamlet

  Well, *he’s* not eating, exactly.

  Cuz he’s in the ground. #worms

  Claudius

  WHERE IS POLONIUS?!?!?!?!

  Hamlet

  With the . Check heaven, and if he’s not there, then you’ll know where to find him.

  Claudius

  That’s it. I’m gonna drop u from the plan.

  Hamlet

  Wait! If you want to him out (heh heh), look under the stairs on the way 2 the lobby.

  Group text: Claudius, Hamlet, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern

  Claudius

  under the stairs near the lobby.

  Hamlet

  No rush, fellas. He’s not going anywhere.

  Claudius

  Enough is enough. You’re going 2 . NOW.

  Hamlet

  Fine. I’ll go to . NOW. Whatever, .

  Claudius

  It’s official. You’ve gone bat crzy. I’m your father. Not your mother.

  Hamlet

  ++= same flesh, right?

  So =. You can’t fight logic!

  Claudius

  “Logic” isn’t the word I’d use.

  To Do:

  1. Have the of kill Hamlet.

  2. Upload more selfies on throne. Hmm. Light day.

  Group text: Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern

  Claudius

  FYI, I left a 4 u 2 bring on your trip. It’s addressed 2 the of . Hurry!

  [Scene 4]

  Just saw a captain in Fortinbras’s army. The poor guy is going to fight—and probably DIE—over a piece of land no one even cares about!! Ugh. What is the point of a man if all he ever does is and ? That’s no better than . My father’s dead. My mother’s dead to me. From now on, I’m going to stop thinking so much and just do the thing I set out to do. No excuses.

  [Scene 5]

  Horatio

  Your Majesty, I think you need to talk to Ophelia.

  Gertrude

  Why me?

  Horatio

  She’s . She’s not making any sense. She’s gone over the death of her father.

  Seems to be a trend.

  Gertrude

  Sigh. Fine.

  Group text: Gertrude, Ophelia, Claudius

  Gertrude

  Hello, Ophelia.

  Ophelia

  Gertrude

  Ophelia, please. I don’t understand.

  Ophelia

  Gertrude

  Ophelia. Please use your words.

  Ophelia

  Claudius

  How are you, Ophelia?

  Ophelia

  Claudius

  Is this because of your father?

 

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