Ryder

by L. A. Casey

  Bronagh scoffed from behind me, and before I could stop her she said, “You can’t keep her here, arsehole.”

  I felt Bronagh’s hand tense in mine when Ryder switched his soul-shuttering glare from me to her, and I felt how scared she became of him. She shifted behind me a little bit, blocking most of her body from Ryder’s stare. I had to turn so she wouldn’t twist my arm off at the angle she was tugging it at.

  “Don’t look at me sister like that, do you hear me?” I snapped at Ryder. “You’re scarin’ her!”

  He scrubbed his face with his hands. “Bran, baby, I didn’t know Bronagh was your sister. You called her Bee when you talked about her. If I had known who she was I would have told you so you didn’t look at me like you did last night.”

  I knew what way I looked at him last night, like I did just a few minutes ago. I looked at him like he played me.

  “Hold up, rewind and freeze. Branna… are you seein’ him?” my sister asked, blatant shock laced in her tone.

  Shit. Fuck.

  “I wasn’t keepin’ it from you, sweetie.” I assured her. “I met ‘im at Darkness a few weeks ago when I was there with Aideen. We hit it off and went on some dates since then. I wasn’t goin’ to tell you about ‘im until I was sure about ‘im. I know how you feel about people, and I didn’t want to bring ‘im around unless I was sure he was goin’ to stick around.” I cut my eyes to Ryder then, and found he was looking at me with a deep intensity.

  I was beginning to gather that he was always intense, but had a special intense gaze about him whenever he looked at me, and I’d be damned if I didn’t love it.

  “What is your deal with people, Bronagh?” Dominic’s voice asked from behind me, making my sister tense up. I felt her hand squeeze mine to the point of pain.

  “It’s none of your business,” I snapped at Dominic then looked back to Ryder. “I’m not doin’ this to ‘er. She doesn’t like you, and that means it won’t work between us.”

  The pain of Bronagh’s death-like grip on my hand had nothing on the agonising pain that encircled my chest when I spoke those words to Ryder.

  Bronagh comes first, I reminded myself. Bronagh always comes first.

  Ryder’s face was the picture of rage, and something else, as he reached for my free hand, and tugged me away from Bronagh. He wanted to converse in private, but his raised voice meant Bronagh and Dominic could hear everything he was saying.

  “You can’t just dump me because your sister doesn’t like getting close to people, Branna. I really like you, and I care about you a lot,” he said, his eyes drilling into mine.

  I knew what the look was. He was telling me that he loved me, but didn’t want to freak Bronagh out more than she already was so he lessened the intensity by changing the word love to care. I greatly appreciated it, and it tore me apart that I might have to let him go.

  “I know you feel the same way about me. I don’t want this to end. I want you to be my girl. We can take things slow. I won’t press Bronagh out of her comfort zone but please don’t give up on me, on us.”

  Well, fuck him anyway, I thought as I forced the dam in my eyes to stay strong.

  I loved this man, and he loved me, but I loved my sister, too, and I couldn’t risk her becoming more withdrawn just so I could be happy. I mentally slapped myself when I realised how unfair that was on me, but Bronagh came first in my life, and she always would. Ryder got that too, which made this harder.

  “Branna,” my sister mumbled, pulling me from my thoughts and gaining my attention.

  “Don’t break up with ‘im,” she murmured. “I’ll… I’ll try harder for you. I promise.”

  I couldn’t hold my tears back at that vow.

  “Baby, you don’t have to try for me.” I cried. “Try for yourself, this outlook you have isn’t healthy. I want you to let other people in; you can’t only have me in your life. If anythin’ ever happened to me, you would be all alone, and that terrifies me, Bee, more than anythin’.”

  Bronagh was silent for a few moments as she mulled things over in her mind, but when she looked at me, she nodded and said, “Okay, I’ll try harder. I promise.”

  She switched her gaze from me to Ryder and she lightly blushed.

  “Sorry for causin’ trouble for you, Ryder.”

  He smiled at her. “I think you just saved me a lot of trouble, Bronagh.”

  She smiled at him then to me she said, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about ‘im. You usually can’t keep shite to yourself, so how you didn’t let on about ‘im is beyond me.”

  I laughed, sniffled, and then rubbed under her nose. “It was horrible. I wanted to tell you so many times but had to bite me lip or talk about somethin’ random.”

  Bronagh chuckled. “So, you’re both like a real couple? Boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  Ryder and I looked at each other, smiled, and nodded.

  “This should be interestin’.” My sister grumbled

  Ryder looked to her. “Why is that?”

  “Because she is a freak,” she stressed, “and you will soon learn things about ‘er that will have you runnin’ for the hills. For example, she is an OCD cleaner and has multiple personalities. I’m not even jokin’, she could be me sister one minute then me ma and da the next.”

  I playfully slapped Bronagh’s arm while Ryder laughed.

  “Why would she be your mom or dad?” Dominic asked my sister.

  I had forgotten he was there, and from the look of shock on my sister’s face, so did she.

  “Our parents’ died nine years ago, Dominic,” I explained. “I’ve been ‘er guardian since I turned nineteen. I took over raisin’ ‘er when our parents passed away, so she considers me her sister, her ma, and da all wrapped into one. ‘er memories with them are limited, because she was so young when they passed. She doesn’t talk about them at all.”

  I frowned at my sister as the wheels turned in her mind, and in that moment, I’d have given my left arm to know what she was thinking. She blinked her eyes after a few moments of silence just as Dominic said, “Is that why you have people issues, you won’t get close to anyone in school, or people in general, because you’re afraid you could lose them like you did your parents?”

  Bronagh widened her eyes.

  “Dominic,” Ryder snapped. “Show some compassion!”

  “I was just asking a question.” He defended. “When our parents were killed you took over the mother and father role like Branna did, but I didn’t push everyone away from me because I was afraid they might die. That’s a pretty shitty way to live.”

  I wanted to skin the little shite alive for being so blunt.

  “I want to go home,” Bronagh said as tears filled her eyes.

  “Bronagh,” I whispered and quickly followed her as she pushed past Ryder and ran for the stairs. I heard Ryder shouting at Dominic, and Dominic shouting to Bronagh that he was sorry.

  The next few minutes that followed included more arguing and me trying to beat the crap out of Dominic for him being a complete dickhead to my sister. My sister, however, had enough of him and pushed him into the gym room so they could talk in private.

  While they spoke I turned to Ryder and said, “It’ll be hard, but we can’t interfere with them, they’ll only argue with us and tell us to mind our own business. Unless we have no other choice, we’re keepin’ our noses out of their relationship or their not relationship or whatever it bloody is they have goin’ on.”

  Ryder grinned as he put his arm around me and lowered his head to mine, “Yes, sweetie.”

  “Oh, my God.” I laughed at the same time Alec and Kane said, “So it begins.”

  Alec proceeded to make whipping noises, which only amused Ryder further. I could feel his smile as he kissed me, and it made me smile, too. I had a feeling about us. I didn’t know whether it was good or bad, but it was a very strong feeling and I decided then that Ryder was stuck with me too.

  Maybe falling in love with him would be the best t
hing I ever did… at least I hoped it would.

  Present day…

  “Branna?”

  I blinked as I was pulled from a memory and thrust back into my sombre reality.

  On a sigh, I called out, “In the kitchen, Bee.”

  I stood up as my pregnant sister barrelled into the room, her eyes wild until they landed on me. When she saw me, a breath of what sounded, and looked, like relief left her.

  “You’re okay.”

  I raised my brows. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

  My sister crossed the room and hugged me, which caused me to smile as I felt her bump brush against me.

  “I was scared you’d do somethin’ stupid.”

  I frowned when we pulled apart.

  “Because of Dominic?” I quizzed.

  “Because you’re goin’ to break up with Ryder.”

  Oh.

  I swallowed. “How do you—”

  “Damien showed up at our house before Dominic could go lookin’ for Ryder and he started askin’ ‘im a bunch of crazy questions. Dominic got mad and tried to move to a different room so they could speak in private, but Damien literally grabbed Dominic and pinned him against the sittin’ room wall.” Bronagh said, her eyes wide and she recited what happened. “Branna, I nearly wet meself I was so scared. Damien was bloody furious with Dominic, he said you filled ‘im in on things that Dominic and the other brothers should have told him about long ago.”

  My sister took my hands in hers.

  “Dominic wouldn’t speak on it when I asked, but Damien told me to talk to you to clear up some of me questions.”

  Thanks a lot, Damien!

  I groaned in annoyance. “I barely know anythin’ though! It’s one of the main reasons why I’m breakin’ up with Ryder!”

  “Just start from the beginnin’,” my sister pleaded. “I’m so blindsided by your decision, and the shite Damien was talkin’ about. I knew you were havin’ troubles with Ryder, but damn, sis, you’re really goin’ to walk away from him? You’re really goin’ to walk away from Ryder?”

  I swallowed down the bile that threatened to shoot up my throat.

  “Yes, I’m really goin’ to walk away from Ryder.” I admitted. “I have no choice, Bee… he has left me no choice.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Join the club,” I mumbled.

  “Bran,” my sister pressed.

  I sighed. “Okay, I’ll start with Dominic. You know the way he announced on the day Keela and Alec moved into their house that he was back fightin’, and this time he would be fightin’ for Brandon Daley?”

  “I’ll never forget it,” my sister grumbled.

  I felt sorry for her. I knew it killed her that Dominic turned back to fighting, but he kept his promise to her. It wasn’t like his old life; he just fought in a circle and got paid.

  “And do you remember how he announced his money—your money—was dried up?”

  Bronagh nodded.

  “Well, he wasn’t the only brother who suddenly lost his money. Alec and Ryder did, too, with some sort of investment with Brandon Daley. They should have known better since he is the only sleaze ball that they’re friendly with.”

  My sister stared at me. “I asked Dominic last year about where the money went and he said he made a very bad investment.”

  “Do you know what kind of investment?” I quizzed.

  “I’ve no idea. He apologised to me, and swore his fightin’ at Darkness was to earn quick money to get us comfortable again. It’s been a year since he started back fightin’ and recently I told him I’d get a job to help out, but he doesn’t want me to work, he wants me at home with the baby when she is born.”

  I stared at my sister as she spoke.

  “I didn’t want to fight with ‘im about it, you know?” she continued. “I’ve done me anger management classes, and I’ve matured so much mentally that I didn’t want to start somethin’ out of nothin’ while we’re at such a good place in our relationship. As far as I’m concerned, the money Dominic had was blood money, and I was glad it was gone so I didn’t question where it went. I just accepted it and moved on.”

  I nodded in understanding.

  “Now I’m wonderin’ though,” she frowned.

  I cringed. “I’m sorry, I should have kept me mouth shut to Damien.”

  “No,” Bronagh stated. “You’re right. We should know where their—our—money went, we are their fianceés after all, and what’s theirs is ours, right?”

  I humourlessly laughed. “After tonight, I’ll just be an ex.”

  My sister tilted her head. “Tell me what’s goin’ on between you and Ryder, sis.”

  “I don’t know what’s goin’ on with us, Bee, that’s the problem. I don’t know anythin’.”

  Bronagh blinked, so I sighed and told her the same shortened version of my relationship’s downhill spiral that I gave to Damien. By the time I was finished speaking, she was crying and I wanted to thump myself.

  “Bee,” I crooned. “Don’t cry, sweetie. It’ll all be okay, I promise.”

  “It won’t,” she sniffled. “Our family is goin’ to be divided.”

  I couldn’t say anything to make her feel better because she was right, once Ryder and I broke up, our family would be divided. Forever. I would make damn sure that it was an easy transition for her, though.

  “It will be okay,” I repeated, firmer. “Trust me, I’ll never let me life affect yours. I’ll work it out with Ryder so things are as normal as possible for you.”

  Bronagh wiped her tears away and said, “Stop that.”

  “Stop what?” I asked.

  She didn’t answer me instead she said, “How can you live like this?”

  “Like what?”

  “You brush everythin’ about yourself under the carpet. Why?”

  I looked down to my hands. “I don’t know. I just do it.”

  “Well, stop, you can’t continue livin’ like this.”

  “Existin’.” I absentmindedly murmured.

  “What?”

  “I’m existin’, not livin’, there’s a difference between the two.”

  My sister went still. “You don’t feel like you’re livin’?”

  “Bronagh, I barely feel like I’m existin’,” I admitted. “I’m here, but I’m not at the same time. I just don’t care anymore.”

  “I think you’re depressed, Branna.”

  “I think it’s worse than that,” I frowned. “You have to feel somethin’ to be depressed, right? I don’t feel anythin’ anymore.”

  Tears gathered in my sister’s eyes. “Bran.”

  I smiled and patted her hand. “I’ll be fine, don’t you worry.”

  “Stop that,” Bronagh cried. “Stop puttin’ yourself at the bottom on the list of priorities, you’ve done it all me life and I’m sick of it. Your mental health matters. You fuckin’ matter!”

  I reared back as if she slapped me.

  “I can’t just turn off me instincts to protect you, Bronagh,” I said defensively.

  She cried harder. “I know you can’t, but I’m not askin’ you to stop protectin’ me, I’m just askin’ you not to not put me before yourself!”

  I couldn’t accept that.

  I shook my head. “You always come first.”

  “Maybe when I was younger, Bran, but I’m an adult now.”

  I raised a brow. “That doesn’t change anythin’, you’ll always be me little sister. I know I didn’t birth you, but I raised you. You’re mine, too.”

  No matter what, Bronagh would always be mine.

  “Yeah,” she agreed, “I am, but even little sisters have to grow up and learn responsibility. I know you’ll always worry, but everythin’ else you freak out about falls on Dominic’s shoulders now. I’m his, too, so it’s only right he shares some of the responsibility for me. It’s what he signed up for.”

  I swallowed down the sob that wanted to break free.

  “I love you, but I need yo
u to stop puttin’ me before yourself.” My sister pressed on. “You’re the most important person in your life, and that’s how it should always be.”

  I blinked. “It’s easy for you to say that now, but wait till you have the baby, she’ll be the most important person in your life.”

  “She’s me child though.”

  “You’re practically my child.” I countered.

  Bronagh’s shoulders slumped. “Touché.”

  “I hear what you’re sayin’, and I love you for it. I’ll work on it, okay? I know you’re now a beautiful butterfly who needs space to flap her wings, and that you don’t need me all the time.” I smiled her way even though I wanted to cry my eyes out.

  “I’ll always need you, but I don’t want any of my problems to trump yours.”

  I nodded.

  Bronagh released my hand and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand. “I’m tellin’ Dominic ‘I’m a beautiful butterfly who needs her space to flap her wings’ whenever he pisses me off.”

  I laughed and it felt good.

  Bronagh leaned back into the chair, and rested her hands on her round stomach.

  “When are you goin’ to do it?” she asked when she stopped sniffling. “You mentioned tonight, but will you really do it then?”

  I nodded, glumly. “Yeah, I need to get it over with now that me mind is made up. If I don’t, it will fester and I’ll probably never get the guts to do it.”

  “What will you do if he reacts badly?”

  I snorted. “He will react badly. He blew up at me because he thought I was cheatin’ on him. Endin’ things will only fuel that anger, but he’ll get over it.”

  “Will you be okay with it?” Bronagh asked.

  “With what?” I questioned. “The break up?”

  My sister nodded.

  I shrugged. “In time. In time I’ll be okay with it.”

  “Really?” my sister asked with a raised brow. “You’ll be okay comin’ to family dinners and watchin’ another woman kiss him, holdin’ his hand, and be the one puttin’ a smile on his face?”

  I glared at Bronagh as my stomach churned with the images she put in my head.

  “Yes,” I almost growled.