Ryder

by L. A. Casey

  She shook her head. “You’re a shitty liar, you look ready to tear me head off for just suggestin’ Ryder being with another woman.”

  I looked away. “It’s because I haven’t had time to live me life without ‘im, but I’m sure I’ll get over ‘im just fine. Time heals all wounds.”

  “Bran?”

  “What?”

  “I wasn’t jokin’, you’re really a shitty liar.”

  I laughed then, but only to cover up the tears that were suddenly falling onto my cheeks.

  “Hey,” my sister murmured. “Come here.”

  I turned to her and leaned into her embrace.

  “I’ll be fine,” I sniffled. “It can’t be any worse than how things are right now. Being with ‘im, but not havin’ ‘im is worse than not being with ‘im at all.”

  “Oh, Bran,” my sister whispered. “I hate meself for not realisin’ how bad things were between you both.”

  I pulled back.

  “How could you know?” I asked as I wiped my face. “I’ve hidden it from everyone, I didn’t want to burden anyone.”

  “How could you ever think anythin’ about you is a burden? We’re sisters, that means everythin’ about you, even your bullshit, is important to me.”

  I felt my lower lip wobble. “Thanks, honey.”

  “Don’t thank me, dipshit,” my sister stated. “I love you, and that means I get to protect you, too.”

  I nodded. “I’ll be more open with you in the future.”

  “Good,” Bronagh said, firmly. “That’s exactly what I want. We will both be the other’s ear to vent to when things get tough, and shoulder to cry on when things get tougher.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Deal.”

  Bronagh sat back on a sigh. “What are we goin’ to do about the knowledge we have about the investment the lads made?”

  I shrugged. “I’ll probably bring it up to Ryder, and you can mention it to Dominic.”

  “Or we could just have a big family meetin’ where we get all the lads, us and the girls in one room and get it all out into the open. If we don’t know, you can bet your arse that Keela and Aideen don’t.”

  “Sounds good to me, but it will have to be at your house. Ryder might break a lot of things here tonight… which reminds me, can I stay with you and Dominic until I get meself together and find an apartment?”

  Bronagh stared at me blankly, blinking.

  “The fact that you even have to ask that question pisses me off. Of fuckin’ course, it’s still your home, too. It always will be.”

  I smiled. “Thank you.”

  “Can I tell you a secret?” my sister asked.

  I smiled. “Always.”

  “Me, Keela and Aideen planned an intervention with you and Ryder.”

  I sat back and blinked. “I don’t understand.”

  Bronagh scratched her neck. “We’ve all noticed how weird Ryder was being with you, but I just didn’t know how bad things were. You’ve gotten very good at keepin’ things to yourself.”

  “What kind of intervention were you three plannin’?” I pressed.

  Bronagh’s lips twitched. “Last night in Aideen and Kane’s apartment we decided that we’d use Ash Wade… as a pawn of sorts. I know you’re good friends with him, and I was goin’ to ask ‘im to be really flirty with you whenever a brother was around so it’d get back to Ryder. We thought it would snap ‘im out of whatever is wrong with ‘im and his Slater instinct would kick in and he’d reclaim you.”

  I stared at my sister for a long moment, and then burst into laughter.

  “Slater instinct?” I repeated. “What are they? Animals?”

  Bronagh laughed, too. “They might as well be, they’re all very possessive over us and I wanted to use it to our advantage in this situation, but it kind of backfired. I never spoke to Ash about it, and when Dominic thought you were flirty earlier today he went and told Ryder an arse backwards story and Ry flipped out.”

  I shook my head, still chuckling.

  “I’ll give you points for formin’ a plan in the first place.” I mused. “I knew the three of you were up to somethin’ when I saw you all smirkin’ last night. Me bullshit sense was tinglin’.”

  Bronagh held her side as she laughed, but she stopped almost instantly when the front door to my house opened and shut.

  “Branna?”

  Oh, fuck.

  “Shit,” I whispered and jumped to my feet at the same time my sister did.

  “Don’t interfere when I’m speaking’ to ‘im,” Bronagh said to me, and glared at the kitchen doorway until Ryder appeared.

  “You’re a fuckin’ prick!” My sister bellowed as soon as she saw him. “I hate you for what you’ve done to ‘er. You’ve broken me sister’s heart you son of a bitch!”

  Double fuck.

  Ryder looked at my sister and I saw the pain in his eyes. “Bee—”

  “Don’t!’ She cut him off, her body shaking. “Don’t you dare call me that, Ryder.”

  Ryder looked distressed as he took a step towards her.

  “Kid, please, I’m going to fix everything. I swear on my life.”

  Bronagh growled, her face getting red with anger. “I told you that day Aideen was in hospital after the attack that she was goin’ to leave you because of the way you treated her, and I was right.”

  “I know.” Ryder replied almost instantly.

  “Do you remember what else I said?” she questioned.

  Without hesitation Ryder said, “You told me that when she got the courage to leave me I’d finally realise how incredible she is.”

  I couldn’t take them talking as if I wasn’t in the room.

  “Bronagh, calm yourself down right now,” I demanded. “This isn’t good for you, or the baby. Relax, dammit.”

  My sister turned away from Ryder, and looked at me.

  “I’m goin’ home so he can fix this.”

  She knew nothing between Ryder and myself was fixable, especially after the conversation we just had, but to avoid piling more stress on her, and to remove her from Ryder’s presence, I didn’t protest to her leaving.

  “Bee,” Ryder said. “I’ll make this right.”

  She ignored him and to me she said, “I’ll call you later, but if you need me for anythin’ before you hear from me, pick up the phone and I’ll be here.”

  She turned and stalked—or waddled—out of the room, then out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

  “She hates me.” Ryder said with his shoulders slumped.

  Comforting him was the last thing I should have thought about doing, but breaking up or not, this man meant everything to me, and I couldn’t stand to see him hurting. That knowledge hurt me because as much as I told myself I didn’t love this version of him, I knew it wasn’t true. I was in love with Ryder in any way I could have him, that was how deeply I felt for him.

  “She doesn’t hate you,” I murmured. “‘er hormones are all over the place, and she’s just upset because I’m upset. Don’t worry about it, she’ll be speakin’ to you by tomorrow.”

  “Why do you do that?” Ryder asked, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read.

  I was stumped.

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “You’re trying to make me feel better about Bronagh because I said she hates me. You’re trying to save me from being hurt when you’re furious with me.”

  I gnawed on my inner cheek. “Bronagh says I do it to ‘er because I’m protectin’ ‘er. Maybe I’m doin’ the same for you, too.”

  Ryder stepped towards me. “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier.”

  I straightened.

  “You hurt me,” I said. “Accusin’ me of cheatin’ on you was somethin’ I never thought you would ever say to me.”

  Another step.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just pictured this Ash person touching you, and I got so angry that I lashed out at you.”

  I shrugged. “I’m used to y
ou lashin’ out at me.”

  Ryder looked like I slapped him across the face.

  “Please, don’t say that,” his voice low.

  I licked my dry lips.

  “I bruise you and you bruise me. That’s how things are between us now.”

  Ryder’s eyes searched mine, and what he saw caused his head to drop.

  “I don’t know how we’ve gotten here, Branna.”

  My heart began to pound against my chest.

  “Me either.”

  Ryder swallowed. “I think… I think we should talk.”

  I did too, and it killed me because I didn’t want to say what needed to be said, but I had to. For both of our sakes, I had to.

  “Yeah, we do.”

  Ryder leaned his shoulder against the wall. “I have a feeling the outcome is going to break me, am I right?”

  Break him? I thought. Him?

  I stared. “I don’t know, it depends on how you take what I have to say.”

  He set his jaw. “Say it.”

  This was it.

  “I think you know what I’m goin’ to say.”

  He nodded. “I think I do, too, but I want to hear you say it.”

  My palms became sticky with sweat.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Ryder.”

  “Say it, Branna.”

  I was always Branna or Bran now, never Sweetness, and it was pathetic how much I missed that term of endearment. The tears that sat on the brim of my eyes finally spilled over and splashed onto my cheeks. Pain pulsed in my chest. This was really it. This was the end of us.

  “You feel the same way I do, I know you do.” I sniffled, quickly wiping away my tears. “We don’t make each other happy anymore.”

  He pushed away from the wall and stepped towards me.

  “Say. It.”

  I began to sob. “I don’t know what else you want me to say!”

  “Say the fucking words.” He demanded. “If you’re going to break up with me you have to say it out loud, I want to hear you say it.”

  I swallowed and looked down at the floor, then with a heavy heart I said, “Ryder… I’m… I’m breakin’ up with you.”

  “No.”

  I looked up at him and blinked with confusion. “What do you me-mean no?”

  “We aren’t breaking up,” he stated, his face red. “We aren’t giving up just because shit has gotten hard, we’re going to fight.”

  He was killing me.

  “We have been fighting—”

  “With one another, not for one another.”

  I met Ryder with silence so he pressed on.

  “We’re going to start over. I don’t know where we lost one another, but if we go back to the start we can find our way back to each other. I know we can.”

  I felt hopeless.

  “So we’re thrustin’ ourselves back into the beginnin’ stages of dating?” I quizzed, shaking my head.

  “Yeah.” Ryder replied, firmly. “That’s exactly what we’ll do.”

  I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands when more tears fell.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m going to make you fall in love with me all over again.”

  “Don’t say things like that to me!” I shouted. “You can’t say things like that and expect me to believe you. You promised me the world when we first got together, promised to always take care of me, to always be there for me, to always show me love. You swore up and down that we’d grow old together but the only thing we’ve done is grow apart.”

  “I don’t believe that,” Ryder replied, the veins on his arms bulged as he tensed his body.

  “Then I don’t know what to tell you!” I snapped. “If you can’t see what’s been happenin’ over the last year then me simply explainin’ it won’t penetrate your bloody mind!”

  “You have to trust me, Branna.” Ryder said, shocking the hell out of me.

  “Trust you?” I repeated. “Trust fuckin’ you! What about you trustin’ me? Where did that trust fly off to when I begged you tell me where you go every night or why you’re always on your phone or why you shower as soon as you get home? What happened to poxy trust when those questions where asked?”

  “You will have the answers to those question in forty-eight more hours, just give me that time and when it’s up, I’ll explain everything. I’ll answer every question you throw at me fifty times over. Please.”

  The confusion I felt hurt my head to the point where I had to close my eyes and flatten my palm over my forehead in an attempt to soothe it somehow.

  “I don’t understand.” I whispered, lowering my hand to my side, and reopening my eyes. “Why forty-eight more hours? Why not now?”

  “Because in forty-eight more hours I can freely tell you.”

  I tilted my head to the side. “Meanin’ now you freely can’t?”

  Ryder nodded his head. Once.

  “The only thing I can think is why? Why? Why? Fuckin’ why?” My voice climbed an octave with each question asked.

  “Branna,” he said, firmly. “Trust. Me.”

  Exhaustion hit me at that point.

  “I can’t do this, Ryder. You’re killin’ me.”

  “Just listen to me, carefully,” he said as he stepped closer to me, pressing his chest against mine, reintroducing me to the sensation of what it felt like for my body to be moulded against his. “I love you. I know things are up in the air with us right now, and that I haven’t shown jack shit over the last year that would make you believe me when I say it, but I do love you. I’ve never said those words to any other woman in my life. Remember that, and remember that in forty-eight hours we’re going to hash all of this out.”

  Slowly, I nodded, because I wanted him to just stop talking.

  “I know you love me, or the man who I fell in love with loves me, but I just don’t know if that’s enough anymore, Ry.”

  “It will always be enough, and I’m going to prove that to you.”

  I wanted to believe him, God knew how much, but I couldn’t let myself hope for us anymore. The heartache that I felt when things fell apart was too great.

  I somehow stood strong.

  “We’re over, Ryder.”

  “No, Branna, we aren’t. I told you five years ago that we’d never be over, and I fuckin’ meant it. You’re my world, and I refuse to watch it, you, crumble around me. Just. Fucking. No. I’m going to fix this, I swear it.”

  He turned and without another word, stalked out of the house. When I heard the front door slam shut, I dropped to my knees and let out the sob that desperately wanted to break free. I wrapped my arms around my waist, hugging myself as I rocked back and forth.

  I did it, I meekly thought. I broke up with Ryder, but he refused to let me go.

  A huge part of me clung onto that as a sign that something might be salvageable between us, but fear shut out that ray of light with overwhelming darkness. I couldn’t allow myself to grasp at straws like that. I couldn’t allow myself to think of what happened as anything other than a break up because if I let my mind stray, I would think of scenarios where things could end differently, and that frightened me. I was terrified that if I let Ryder back in and he closed me out again then I would cease to function altogether.

  I was afraid he’d ruin me all over again.

  Five years ago…

  “Dominic and Bee, they’re either datin’ or they’re about to be datin’.”

  Ryder’s foot slipped from the clutch of his car, and the gearbox made an unholy sound that caused me to cringe. He quickly shifted gears until the car was purring nicely once more.

  “You want to explain that to me?” he asked, flicking his eyes from the road to me then back to the road. “‘Cause we’re on the way to the hospital to see your sister who got injured while beating on my brother because he was beating on her date.”

  I didn’t need a reminder; I had just gotten off a phone call to Aideen explaining to her that I would take care of Dominic for jumpin
g Gavin—her little brother. She had to call off her other brothers from finding Dominic and beating the shite out of him. I had to convince her not to end his life, too. The latter was proven the most difficult, but I managed to persuade her that I would make him pay, and I would. Somehow.

  “You heard Kane’s twenty-second recap of what happened when he called me after Bronagh called you,” Ryder continued, regaining my attention, “so how did you come to the conclusion that they’re dating or almost dating?”

  Do all men have such small brains? I wondered. Or is my man just lucky?

  “I’m not disputin’ that Bee likes Gavin Collins, because if they got the chance, I’m sure they’d actually be great together. I’d love to see her date the brother of me best friend.”

  “I’m sensing a very big but here,” Ryder sighed.

  “But,” I grinned, “even though she went on a date with Gavin tonight, she likes Dominic even though he has been the king of all arseholes from the moment they met. Goin’ on a date with Gavin is her way of tryin’ to force Dominic out of her mind, but it’ll take more than that. Somethin’ about the lad draws her to ‘im, just like somethin’ about her draws ‘im to ‘er. You understand?”

  “No, not at all.” Ryder exhaled. “You say the word ‘him’ and ‘her’ so messed up, do you know that? The letter H is just completely disregarded.”

  I folded my arms across my chest. “Now is not the time for the pronunciation game, what are we goin’ to do about our siblin’s?”

  “Pray they don’t get arrested?”

  I growled. “Be serious.”

  “I am,” Ryder stressed. “Dominic is on very fucking thin ice, he could have been arrested for fighting with Gavin in school, but he got away with it. He could have gotten arrested when he fought that Jason kid too, or McDonald’s security could have retained him until the cops arrived tonight. He’s messing up and all because he doesn’t know how to handle your sister.”

  I scrubbed my face with my hands.

  “Can you not talk to ‘im about it?” I asked. “Maybe give ‘im some pointers on how to approach me sister? He still has the compound mentality that when he says jump, women will ask how high? That doesn’t fly here, that’s the backlash he is gettin’ for tryin’ to be bossy and intimidatin’ with Bee.”