Ryder

by L. A. Casey

  I clasped my hands together, just so I had something to hold.

  “Are they goin’ to arrest you both for murder?” I asked, and then held my breath as I awaited his reply.

  “If I didn’t do what they wanted, then yes, they would have arrested us, but I did what they wanted so no, they won’t. That was the deal they offered me, and I took it.”

  “They can do that?” I questioned with disbelief. “They will completely let you get away with murder if you help them?”

  Ryder nodded. “They have our prints on the plastic, but that’s their only evidence and while it’s a crucial piece, there is so much more they can’t get us on, but I didn’t want to test them and actually make them dig for something else to convict us with. I did what they wanted and they let us off the hook.”

  “But how?” I pressed. “Does there not have to be a trial before a judge—”

  “Not with these people, Branna. The Feds can be just as corrupt as gangsters. They can make everything disappear if they get what they want, and all they wanted was information on Brandon Daley’s dealings. I never confirmed it, but they know Marco is dead, and that actually made them happy. Everyone hated him.”

  “Are you’re sure what you did was the right thing?” I asked, worried sick this would blow up in his face.

  “What choice did I have, Bran?”

  My shoulders sagged. “None, I guess.”

  “I know it was risky, and that I can’t trust them, but if I refused their deal, then they’d have arrested me and Dominic. They don’t care about a couple of dead untraceable bodies because they know who they are without me having to say it. No one misses evil gangsters, Branna, especially the law.”

  “I understand that, scarcely, but what exactly were the terms of the deal?” I asked as a pounding took up residence in my temples. “What did they expect of you?”

  “They wanted me to wear a wire, and get a job running shit for Brandon. He is squeaky clean, and is more private than Marco ever was, which made him a mystery to the Feds. They wanted to know who his contacts were, where he got his product from… they basically wanted to know everything about him.”

  “The FBI has been keeping tabs on Brandon?” I questioned with raised brows.

  “Of course, everyone with power like him is on the Feds’ radar.”

  That shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was.

  “So the deal was for you to be a mole, pass on information and that’s it?”

  “Almost,” Ryder said on a grunt. “Marco, the son of a bitch, had me listed as owner on a lot of fucked up properties where shit went down in the city. He had contacts everywhere, and filing the fake paperwork to make me look like a legit owner of somewhere wouldn’t have been hard for him. Now, since I’ve been living here the last five years the Feds know I physically had no interaction with any of the properties, but because they were in my name, I was responsible for what was found during the busts.”

  Oh, my God.

  “The Feds threw out the cases as part of the deal, but they refused to pick up the bill for ‘damages’. They said they would clear me of any wrong doing if I paid it instead. I didn’t have a choice, they could have deported me and tried me in the States for that. And when my sentence there was up, I could be brought back here to be tried and imprisoned for murder. I had to pay them a lot of fucking money to make that bullshit go away, but I didn’t have enough so Dominic and Alec gave up their shares from what they earned over the years and helped me. Kane did too, but because he has his business, he wasn’t broke like the rest of us. I told you that I got mixed up in a bad investment deal when you asked where the money went because I didn’t want to tell you the truth, and to be honest, if I hadn’t ruined everything and you never noticed the change in me, I would have never told you.”

  “You’d keep this from me?” I asked, shocked.

  He’d really keep this from me?

  Ryder nodded and without hesitation said, “I’d do anything to keep you safe from harm or worry. Anything.”

  I didn’t know whether to be annoyed over that or appreciative.

  “My brothers, bar Damien because we never want him involved in nightmares like this, helped me with my job. I had to look like a shiny diamond to Brandon so he’d learn to trust me. I had to run every shipment successfully, and turn him a sizeable profit. I didn’t want to be at this for years, so I needed to fully invest myself back in the life to make it end faster. I had to be become close to him. But by bringing myself into his world, I pulled away from you. I didn’t want to, I didn’t even notice it at the beginning because I was so stressed out. I now know I was bringing my anger and resentment for the situation I was in back home to you, and you didn’t deserve it.”

  I exhaled an unsteady breath. “How were your brothers involved?”

  “As you know, Dominic got a job fighting for Brandon. With his money being gone, and being a personal trainer not making enough income, it was the perfect cover to Bronagh. He’d fight under Brandon, get paid, but also keep his ear to the ground to help me with any information he could find. That’s why there’d be days here and there where I was out with him all the time. He was helping me. Kane and Alec too. Kane came with me on a few jobs to watch my back because I don’t trust anyone in Brandon’s crew—except Gavin, but he’s only a small ranked solider, and he wouldn’t have any information that I wouldn’t already know.”

  Aideen’s little brother was caught up in Brandon Daley’s world still, and I hated it. The stubborn little bastard wouldn’t bow out no matter how much Aideen and his brothers tried to force him to. Keela was working on having her uncle just kick him out of the gang, but he was proving to be just as difficult.

  “Alec can charm a snake, and I was dealing with a lot of snakes, especially when I was trying to close deals on weapons. Once or twice I’d be dealing with a hard-ass woman, or a stuck up man, and that’s when I needed Alec. I’d bring him along with me, and without making it obvious, he would do his thing—flirt, and effortlessly make people like him. He didn’t even touch anyone; he just smiled and struck up conversations with them. Typical Alec style. It made closing those kinds of deals with greedy people a lot easier.”

  I lifted my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes. I lowered my arms, and shook my head, not being able to comprehend the depth of what I was hearing.

  “This is a lot to take in.”

  “I know it is, but you need to know everything so you understand how tied my hands were.”

  I couldn’t begin to imagine what he felt like, or went through, but… I understood that he had to do what he was made to do in order to remain prison free. I got that. It was so hard to believe it was real life, but I got it. My mind pieced together all the fall-outs, fights and the general break down of our relationship and concluded it was inevitable.

  Ryder wasn’t a God; there was only so much he could control. His experience with his past life made his task a familiar one, but this time the stakes were a lot higher, and by trying to protect me from it, he unwillingly subjected me to another kind of horror.

  My mind understood all of that, but my heart didn’t. I couldn’t just erase the pain I felt, or get over what I saw. The most superficial and idiotic thing I could have said left my mouth when I thought about the night I was kidnapped.

  “You really weren’t cheatin’ on me with that Lucy woman?” I whispered.

  “No, I swear it.” Ryder said without hesitation. “She was only my contact to the Feds. I’d meet her every night at a different location, get wired up, and find out what shit they wanted me to do.”

  Oh.

  “I just thought… when I saw you lean into her car, and she laughed... I just thought the worst.”

  “She laughed and giggled like that every night in case I was followed by Brandon’s men to make it look like I was meeting up with her for a hook up, but I swear, it’s only ever been you, Branna. I have never touched another women since the night we met.”

&nbs
p; My hands were trembling.

  “What was I supposed to think? I saw what I saw and came to a conclusion most people would come to as well,” I said as my lower lip wobbled. “You pulled away from me, you left the house every night and showered before you would come near me. When I saw you with ‘er, I started to piece all of that together and it just made everythin’ worse inside me head.”

  Ryder frowned. “I felt dirty every time I walked through the front door of our home knowing the shit I came from. I didn’t want to taint you with it. You’re pure to me, and I didn’t want any of what I’ve been doing to affect you.”

  “But it has affected me,” I whispered. “You… you made me think you hated me.”

  “I never meant for it to go this far,” he stressed as he leaned forward and took my hands in his, shocking me as the familiar feeling of his calloused hands instantly soothed me. “I meant to distance myself from you just until this was done, and when we started arguing, I couldn’t stop the spiral. You, your sister, the other girls, you all mean everything to me, to my family. We agreed that keeping you in the dark was the best thing to do. Damien, too. We didn’t tell him anything because we knew he’d want to help us, and it was decided a long time ago he would never be involved with what we had no choice in. If anything went wrong and me and Dominic did go to prison then none of you could be implicated. You wouldn’t know about any of what was going on so they couldn’t try you as an accessory.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “This just doesn’t feel real.”

  “I wish it wasn’t.”

  Me too.

  “You said you did want the FBI wanted, does that mean Brandon has been arrested?”

  Ryder shook his head. “No, I got all the information I could, but they still don’t know any of his contacts, sources and distributors. Brandon never directly gave me my orders either, it was another man who told me what to do and where to go, so even if there was a bust, it wouldn’t trace back to him. Brandon was good to me, but he knew what I was doing in his gang, and why I was there. He was very careful during my time with him.”

  Fear gripped me.

  I gasped. “He could kill you!”

  Images of pure horror flashed through my mind.

  Ryder snorted. “He won’t, I think he found it amusing. He told me he doesn’t like rats, and said he had a bad habit of standing on them. I agreed with him and said I hated cops more because they were snakes in the grass. When I said it, I adjusted my shirt to show the indent of my wire and looked him in the eye. He quickly picked up on what information I was offering.”

  I felt my jaw drop open. “You gave it away what you were there for? Why?”

  “Because Brandon is fair… and I fucking hate cops, Branna. The Feds… they’re a whole different level of scum, they’d throw you under a bus to get what they want.”

  “You eejit!” I snapped. “What if they know why you got shit information?”

  “They’re none the wiser, they called time on my part in the operation the night you were… attacked. They told me that evening that after forty-eight hours they’d be packed up and out of the country, and I could go back to my normal life. That’s why I wanted to wait to tell you… in case they changed their minds.”

  “I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I admitted. “It’s too intense.”

  Ryder leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Branna,” he whispered. “Having you in my life has ruined yours.”

  The touch of his skin against mine was like a jolt of electricity shooting through me.

  I pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. “Don’t you ever say anythin’ like that to me again. You’re still everythin’ to me even though I’m furious with you. I’m angry and hurt, but it’s only because the thought of losin’ you kills me.”

  Ryder’s face softened. “Why did you leave me if you don’t want to lose me?”

  My shoulders sagged. “You left me no other choice. Either you told me what you were up to, or I had to leave. It has destroyed me to be apart, but livin’ the way I had been with you over the last year and a half has ruined me, too. I had no choice.”

  Ryder slightly smiled. “I’ll fix what I’ve done.”

  “I feel like your smile is a beautiful lie,” I whispered, “and that I can’t trust it any more than I can trust you.”

  “But… but I just told you why I was the way I was.”

  I nodded. “And I understand, but that doesn’t change anythin’ right now. I need space.”

  “Don’t leave me on my own, Branna.” Ryder pleaded. “I’m begging you.”

  “You’ve left me on my own for months whilst being right here with me, and I understand why, but it still hurts.” I countered. “Whatever we had faded to black.”

  “No,” he hissed. “Nothing faded away because I still fucking love you more than life itself, and you love me, too. I know it.”

  “Lovin’ you is easy, Ryder, but trustin’ you isn’t.”

  “I know, and I’ll forever be sorry for causing you so much hurt.”

  I was silent for a few moments just gathering my thoughts.

  “Can you ever forgive me?” Ryder asked, his voice so low I barely heard him. “Could you ever reach a point where you think you could do that?”

  Could I? I asked myself.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I need time to think.”

  “I’ll give you time and space. I’ll give you whatever you need, I promise.”

  He was grabbing onto my words like a lifeline.

  “This won’t happen overnight, Ryder.” I said firmly. “I can’t just mend what’s been broken with the snap of my fingers, so make sure you give me time, okay? I can’t go back to the way things were before all this started just because I now know the truth; I have to do this slowly. We both do. I understand what you have told me, but me heart, it can’t just forgive and forget so easily.”

  Ryder bobbed his head up and down. “I understand. I’ll do anything you want.”

  I was relived he was going to do what I wanted without giving me hassle.

  I blew out a breath. “Don’t come around lookin’ for me, okay? When I’m ready, I’ll come to you.”

  “What… what if you never come to me?” he asked, fear laced in his tone.

  “I can’t answer that, and I’m sorry if I’m being cruel, but right now, I need to do what’s best for me.”

  After a moment, Ryder nodded. “Okay, sweetheart.”

  He stood then, and it looked like he was going to lean down and either hug or kiss me, but he stopped himself and moved over to my bedroom door.

  “I love you, Branna,” he said. “I have a shit way of showing it, but I love you, sweetness.”

  He left then, and not long later, I burst into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying when I was the one who asked him to give me time and space. The confusion was killing me.

  My mind felt one way, and my heart another.

  I hated how mysterious Ryder had been over the last year and a half, and now I had become an enigma. That was fucking irony for you.

  Two weeks later…

  It had been fourteen days since Ryder told me the truth, and I was still in my room where I confined myself to so I could really think. Unless it was to eat, use the toilet or take a shower, I stayed in my room. I wished I could return to work to busy myself, but I was only two sessions into my scheduled six with the therapist The Health Board assigned me to, and it was difficult actually opening up to her without revealing any secrets that weren’t for her ears.

  Even with her help, I was emotionally at a standstill because I didn’t know how to get my heart on the same track as my mind. I knew what happened with Ryder in full detail, and I understood every aspect of it, but I still resented him for the hurt he brought me over the last year and a half, even though he didn’t do it willingly.

  While I felt anger, I didn’t know if it was directed solely at Ryder himself, or how h
e made me feel when he pushed me away. It was an on-going mental battle for me because I couldn’t make my mind up. It didn’t help that I missed him terribly either. Being so unsure about how I truly felt after everything I learned was hard when all I wanted was to be with him so we could deal with this together.

  On one hand, I wanted to go to him and make a go of things because even if we had a bad rough patch, it was five years of my life with someone who I truly loved, and I wasn’t ready to just give up on that… but on the other hand, I was so emotionally destroyed that I wasn’t sure if I could ever get back to a place where I fully trusted Ryder, and if there was no trust, there was no relationship.

  I turned my head and looked over at my door when a soft knock sounded.

  “Come in,” I called.

  The door creaked open, but instead of my sister checking up on me, it was Alec.

  “Hey,” I said and sat upright. “Is everythin’ okay?”

  He nodded and closed my door behind him. “Everything’s fine… Bronagh’s just worried about you. I told her I’d come and talk to you and pull a smile or something from you.”

  “I just have to look at your ugly face and I smile.”

  “Fuck you, too.”

  I laughed, and it made Alec’s lips twitch as he crossed the room. I moved over so he could sit on the bed with me, and I smiled wide when he kicked his shoes off before he climbed onto it and relaxed back against a few of my pillows. I leaned back too, and together, we both stared at the ceiling.

  “If you stay in this room any longer,” he began, “I’m afraid you’re going to turn into a piece of furniture. Beauty and the Beast style minus the singing because you can’t sing. At all.”

  Again, I laughed.

  “I’ll keep that in mind, Beast.”

  Alec snorted then after a period of silence between us he asked, “How are you? And don’t say fine just to appease me. How are you… really?”