Ryder

by L. A. Casey

  That question was constant, since the attack, and I still didn’t have a solid answer for it when I was asked.

  I swallowed. “One minute I’m okay, then the next I’m in pieces. I’m really confused about Ryder, I just don’t know what to do and it’s driving me insane.”

  “You know keeping things bottled up isn’t good for you, look how sad you became because you kept your issues with Ryder to yourself.”

  He was right, but that didn’t mean I could break character so easily.

  “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

  “I can’t imagine how hard it is to let someone be your shoulder to lie on, when all you’ve known is being the strong one.” Alec reached over and took my hand in his. “You’ve always been strong for Bee, then for each of us when our individual bullshit came back to bite us in the ass. You’re incredible, Bran, and we don’t mean to pester you, we just want to show you that we’re here for you like you’re always there for us.”

  Tears pooled in my eyes.

  “I have a thing about not cryin’, but you’re makin’ not bawling me eyes out very hard.”

  “Listen to me,” Alec then said as he stood up from the bed, pulling me along with him until we were standing facing one another. “You can cry for days if you want to, and that’s okay. Before your night of evil, you suffered a year and a half of hell. If crying will help, then fucking cry.”

  I shook my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “I’m sick of cryin’, it changes nothin’.”

  “Then smile instead, it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile anyway.”

  My shoulders slumped. “I’ve nothin’ to smile about.”

  “Sure you do,” Alec quickly stated. “You survived a night of terror, you found out Ryder wasn’t cheating on you, and that he wasn’t pulling away from you because he doesn’t love you anymore. You have a lot to smile for.”

  When he put it like that, I wanted to kick my own arse for feeling so miserable.

  “It’s hard,” I admitted.

  “Believe in yourself,” Alec said. “In Ryder.”

  I sighed. “That’s easier said than done.”

  He kept his eyes locked on mine as he said, “You believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy for years growing up. You can believe in yourself, your man, and what you both have, for five minutes, okay?”

  I blinked, dumbly.

  “What?” Alec questioned, shifting from foot to foot.

  I cleared my throat. “I just forget that you’re a very wise person. You joke around all the time and make everyone laugh and smile, but you’re so real when it comes down to it. You give good advice.”

  A beautiful smile overtook Alec’s face.

  “I love you, Bran, I will do and say anything to help you and Ryder get through this.” He reached out and tugged on my hair like I was a little girl. “You’re both the reason I decided that someday I’d settle down, did you know that? Before I met Keela, I used to watch you both and I liked that Ryder could be happy and complete by just seeing you. At first I thought he was pathetic and pussy whipped, but the more I was around you both, the more I realised it was something real. I wanted it, and now I have it. It’s hard work, but you and Ry have got this. Don’t give up, okay?”

  He laughed when I jumped forward, and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his chest. He put his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. Tears flowed then, but for once they weren’t sad tears, they were hopeful tears. That was what Alec just gave me.

  Hope.

  I hadn’t experienced the feeling in a long time, but I couldn’t deny that it felt incredible.

  “Thanks, Alec,” I murmured against his chest.

  When I pulled back from our hug and looked up, I couldn’t help but giggle. He was so different now compared to when I first met him in Darkness all those years ago.

  “What?” he asked, grinning at my goofy expression.

  I shook my head. “I was just thinking about the first time I met you and about the first thing you said to me.”

  Without warning, he reached around my body and smacked my behind making me yelp with surprise.

  “You still have a great ass,” his grin deepened. “But don’t tell Keela I said that.”

  I laughed, and playfully swatted at him until he ducked out of reach.

  “You’re crazy.”

  “No one sane is this awesome,” he said as he pointed a finger at himself.

  I snickered. “I need you to do me a favour.”

  “Name it,” he stated.

  “Before I lose this bit of courage, I think I need to pay your big brother a visit. You have really straightened things out for me. If I don’t believe in what me and Ryder had, and what we could have again, then I’m givin’ up without a fight. I’m exhausted, but I’ve one more round in me to make this work. I have to try or I’ll regret it for the rest of me life.”

  Alec lifted his hand in the air, and I clapped my palm into it, laughing. I was already dressed, so I grabbed a pair of shoes and walked downstairs with Alec.

  “Where are you goin’?”

  I looked at my sister in the doorway of the sitting room with Dominic behind her; both of them were looking at me expectantly.

  “To talk to Ryder.” I answered.

  “Really?” Bronagh said, her eyes wide. “A good talk, or a bad talk?”

  I shrugged. “My intentions are good, and I know Ryder will like what I have to say so I’m goin’ to go with a good talk.”

  Being tackle hugged by a thirty week pregnant woman was not what I expected, and I know that if Alec hadn’t been behind me when Bronagh rushed me, we would have both fallen to the floor.

  I took it as a good omen though; hopefully it wouldn’t be the only thing falling today. I hoped my heart would run and jump off a high dive board when I spoke to Ryder.

  I hoped.

  “You know, for this to work, you actually have to get out of my car.”

  I clasped my hands together over my trembling legs.

  “What if he’s changed his mind about us?” I asked Alec who took his keys out of the ignition of his car. “What if he got pissed off that I haven’t contacted him in two weeks?”

  “Branna,” Alec laughed. “He is willing to wait the rest of his life for you. He’s the one who is scared out of his mind that you won’t come to him at all. We’ve been dealing with his bitchiness since he told you the truth.”

  I really hoped he wasn’t saying that just to make me feel better.

  I inhaled and exhaled a deep breath and said, “Fuck it. Let’s do this.”

  “Atta girl,” Alec whooped.

  We both got out of his car, and walked up the cobbled pathway that led to my old house. It was strange that just seeing the house made me miss Ryder that much more. I decided it was because so many good things had happened there, so many things that outweighed the bad. There were memories from within the house that I would keep forever, and others I would never think of again.

  When we entered the house, I had a quick flashback of being attacked in the kitchen, but I quickly shook it off. Big Phil was gone, and the twisted son of a bitch couldn’t hurt me anymore. I wouldn’t let him.

  I’d never let anyone have the power to hurt me ever again.

  I followed Alec down the hallway, and when he entered the kitchen, I hovered outside by the doorway.

  “What’s up, bro?” Alec asked Ryder.

  I heard a sigh. “Nothing. I painted your old room to give me something to do. I’ll probably patch up some of the holes in Dominic’s old room if you want to stick around and help?”

  “Can’t bro, I’m just dropping her off.”

  “Who off?” Ryder questioned.

  That’s my cue.

  I stepped into the kitchen with my head held high and when Ryder saw me, he jumped up to his feet and let the cup that was halfway raised to his mouth fall to the floor with surprise.r />
  “Shit,” he hissed when the cup smashed to pieces then cleared his throat. “Branna.”

  I lifted my hand and lightly waved. “Hey, Ry.”

  “Hi, hey,” he said in rapid succession. “Hello.”

  “Bro, one greeting is enough,” Alec mumbled.

  Ryder didn’t know what to do with his arms because he folded them across his chest, and then dropped them to his sides before folding them back across his chest. His obvious nervousness at seeing me made me feel less nervous about seeing him, and I was glad for it.

  “Sorry for just droppin’ in unannounced,” I said, and gnawed on my lower lip.

  Ryder shook his head. “No, no, it’s more than fine. It’s great actually. Really, really great.”

  “Ry,” Alec said, and when I looked at him I saw him trying not to laugh. “You need to calm down.”

  “Calm? I am calm.”

  He so wasn’t.

  Ryder cleared his throat then, and scanned me from head to toe. “You look gorgeous, darling.”

  I felt my cheeks heat up as I looked down at my plain white t-shirt, black leggings, and grey slip on shoes. I was makeup free, and my hair was in a high ponytail. I mostly definitely did not look gorgeous, in fact, I felt like a hot mess.

  “I wore this stuff to bed last night,” I said and scratched the back of my neck. “I wasn’t plannin’ on comin’ here, but then Alec had a talk with me, and here I am.”

  Ryder looked at Alec, and when I saw the gratitude in his eyes for his brother, a lump formed in my throat. “Thanks, bro,” he said.

  Alec winked. “Just doing my part. I’ll catch both of you later, okay?”

  Before any of us could respond, Alec was out of the house, and closed the front door behind him. Ryder and I were standing in the kitchen a couple of metres away from one another, and for some reason, I felt anxious.

  “It’s good to see you,” I said nonchalantly.

  Ryder blinked. “It is?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve missed you, Ry.”

  His chest puffed up a bit.

  “I’ve missed you, baby. A hell of a lot.”

  My lip twitched. “That much, huh?”

  “Even more,” he stressed. “A heaven and a hell of a lot.”

  I smiled then, and without warning Ryder crossed the space between us, cupped my face in his hands and stared down at me with his eyes glazed over.

  “Honey,” I breathed. “What’s wrong?”

  “You don’t hate me,” he whispered.

  I lifted my hands and placed them on his waist.

  “No,” I said firmly, “I don’t.”

  “I can see it in your smile,” he murmured, “and the way you were just looking at me.”

  I gave him a little squeeze. “I’ve never hated you, hon. I was very angry with you, but hate was never an emotion that was directed at you, just about how you made me feel.”

  “Was angry, meaning you aren’t anymore?”

  I shook my head. “I’m more confused than anything. One minute I’m furious with you for lettin’ everythin’ run on so long without talkin’ to me, then the next I’m so understandin’ of the situation you were in and I get why you bottled it up and kept it a secret from me. My indecisiveness is drivin’ me insane.”

  “But you’re here… why?” he quizzed. “I mean I’m so glad you’re here, but… why?”

  I licked my lips. “Alec talked with me, and he was right, I have to believe in you, in us.”

  “And do you?” he asked, his voice now raspy. “Do you believe in us? In me?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said with a firm nod. “I just won’t be able to pick up where we left off. I think we should just ease back into everythin’. In time my worries, my fear, and my doubts will fade away if we do this at a slow pace.”

  “Yes,” Ryder rasped. “Anything to have you as mine again.”

  “I’ll always be yours.”

  “And I’ll always be yours, sweetness.”

  Sweetness.

  Hearing the term of endearment I loved so much caught my breath, and caused my heart to skip a beat.

  “You’re you again,” I whispered. “I thought this Ryder would never come back to me.”

  “I never left, babe,” he breathed, his skin flushed. “I thought I was protecting you by blocking you out, but now I see the damage I’ve caused. I’ve broken your heart, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I am so sorry, sweetheart. So fucking sorry.”

  “You can mend it,” I said, my voice tight with emotion. “You can make me heart forget about everythin’ and just revolve around you once more. I know you can.”

  Ryder leaned down to kiss me, but I was hesitant.

  “What if kissin’ leads to somethin’ more?” I questioned. “Is it too soon for it?”

  “For someone who wants to be swept away, you sure ask for a lot of directions.”

  I frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m tryin’.”

  Ryder gave me a small smile. “I know, darling. Just let it happen, you don’t need to have control of this. Just feel.”

  Just feel.

  “I’m… I’m scared.” I whispered. “What if it’s not the same as before?”

  Ryder stepped closer to me and whispered, “What if it’s better?”

  My heart fluttered. “What if it’s too much?”

  “Too much?” Ryder repeated. “Branna, it’s never enough. I can never get enough of you. Do you understand that? I’m addicted to you.”

  I sucked in a deep breath, and locked my knees together when my legs began to tremble.

  “Everything about you is alluring to me.” Ryder continued. “Your face, your body, your smile, your voice, your laugh, your hair, your scent, your personality. Fucking hell, sweetness, you’re it for me. You have been since I laid my eyes on you five years ago.”

  My chest was rising and falling rapidly as my heart slammed into my ribcage.

  Ryder stroked his thumbs over my cheeks, and with his alluring eyes he looked right through me and found my soul. “I. Love. You. Branna.”

  I forced down the lump of emotion that sat in my throat and whispered, “I love you, too, Ryder. So much it hurts.”

  He wasted no time in claiming my mouth with his, kissing me with a hunger I hadn’t known from him in a long time, and unlike before, I didn’t stop him. I kissed him back, and when he pulled away, I was delighted to find I didn’t want him to.

  “You’re the light of my life,” Ryder said, breathing heavily against my lips. “Without you everything was dark, and unappealing. I didn’t want to live without you.”

  His honesty made me cry.

  “Look at me,” he demanded.

  I opened my eyes and stared into his.

  “I. Love. You.” He said clearly. “I never want to be without you. Never.”

  I clung to him

  “Marry me,” Ryder said with his next breath. “I know we’re going to take this slow, but say you will marry me. I will still move at a speed you are comfortable with, but I need you to agree to marry me.”

  I sniffled.

  “We’re already engaged,” I said, confused.

  “We were on the verge of ending things for good, I need to hear you say you still want to be with me for the rest of our lives. Please, darling, I need to hear you say it. I need to.”

  “Yes,” I said without hesitation. “Yes, I still want to marry you. I want nothin’ more. We’re in this for the long haul.”

  Ryder lifted his hand and lifted his pinkie finger to me.

  “Forever?” he said.

  I hooked my finger tightly around his, and with my heart pumping with nothing but pure love I said, “Forever.”

  Three months later…

  “Why are your eyebrows so nicely shaped?” Keela asked Dominic as we sat in the sitting room of her and Alec’s house. All of us were together so when the lads laughed, Dominic’s face turned red with embarrassment.

  He avoided looking at his brothers as he
said, “Bronagh cried because I wouldn’t let her pluck them, and the only way to make her stop crying was to let her do them so I sucked it up. She’s extremely pregnant and is touchy about everything so I let her do what she wants without argument if it means no tears.”

  Smart lad.

  Bronagh, Alannah and Aideen were in the kitchen making food so they were out of earshot for this very interesting turn in our conversation.

  “Hold the fucking phone,” Alec laughed as he got up and walked over to Dominic and bent forward. He grabbed hold of his brother’s head, and forced him to look at him. “Aw, how cute! You’re a pretty little princess!”

  Dominic shoved Alec’s teasing self away and glared at Damien and Kane who were covering their mouths trying, and failing, to muffle their chuckles.

  “I think you look great,” I offered. “It’s nice to see a man that grooms his eyebrows. They’re such an important facial feature.”

  Alec, Damien and Kane looked at me like a vagina suddenly grew on the middle of my forehead.

  Dominic blinked. “They are?”

  “Of course,” Keela answered for me. “Yours aren’t perfectly shaped, but they’re very nicely done, I’d say you’re just even more attractive now. I never noticed that they were a little bushy before, but Bee did good. You look sexy.”

  Dominic smugly grinned at his brothers who were now eyeing him, and his eyebrows. Alec, on the other hand, was glaring at Keela who had done well to avoid catching his stare.

  I snorted. “Leave her alone, it’s not like she’s lying, Dominic is sexy.”

  Dominic’s grin deepened, and smugness radiated from him in waves as he clasped his hands together behind his head and he looked around the room. I laughed and shook my head at him.

  I jumped when a finger sticking into my side startled me. I quickly looked at the poker and grinned, “I know, I know, I’m goin’ to pay for talkin’ up your little brother, and let me just say that I can’t wait.”

  My Ryder’s lip curved upward. “You’re a hellcat.”

  “I know,” I teased.

  It had been three months since I made up with Ryder, and four months and one week since all hell broke loose. We were still taking things slow, and by that I mean really slow. We hadn’t done much more than kiss one another, and it was the best decision we had ever made.