The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  That evening Laura switched on the TV and flicked between the local channels, nothing capturing her interest. She couldn’t focus on anything anyway. Since speaking to Luke, she had become even more determined to be honest with herself and others from now on. She’d finally realized what closure meant. That closure allows you to move forward. It may never help you get over something, but it helps you to pack the bags and store them away rather than carry the baggage with you every day and let it weigh you down. Laura ached for her mum. She’d always supported everything she’d done. Every decision she’d made, even the one to never return to Banyula. Always happy to travel up on the train to visit Laura in the city. She was selfless. And Laura had been selfish. But she was going to change. She wasn’t going to hurt anyone anymore. She was going to pack up those bags, zip them up, store them away for good, and finally move forward.

  Chapter 13

  Cleaning. Laura hated it, but it needed to be done, and it kept her mind off the fact that she was dismantling her life piece by piece. She wiped the pantry shelf down, the smell of eucalyptus and lemon making her sneeze each time she squirted the cleaner onto the Laminex. She hated this cleaning spray, but it also reminded her of walking into the bathroom just after her mum had cleaned it. She smiled at the memory and was then interrupted by a sharp knock on the front door.

  ‘Yoo-hoo! Laura, you home?’ Stella’s voice echoed down the hallway.

  ‘In the kitchen, Stella,’ Laura called, climbing down from the stepladder.

  ‘Oh darling, look at you. Come here.’ Stella pulled Laura in for one of her warm hugs. ‘How are you?’ She stroked Laura’s hair, which was half falling out of its loose ponytail.

  ‘I’m okay.’ Laura sighed, gently prying herself from Stella’s well-meaning embrace. ‘What about you, Stel? You’re so busy running around after everyone all the time. How are you?’

  Stella batted her arm at Laura. ‘Me? I’m fine.’ Stella dropped into one of the kitchen chairs. Laura noticed the worry lines gather between Stella’s eyes as she sat down across from her.

  ‘Are you sure? You look a little tired.’

  Stella began fidgeting with her wedding band, twisting it round and round as she stared at it. The corners of her mouth flinched before she spoke. ‘Well, actually …’ She shook her head. ‘No, it’s nothing.’

  Laura reached her hand across to Stella’s. ‘Stella, you don’t have to always be the one that looks after everyone, you know? It’s okay for you to be sad. Mum was your best friend. You don’t have to put on a brave face, especially in front of me.’

  Stella gave a thin smile, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Oh, Laura. I miss your mum. She was such a beautiful soul. Life’s not fair sometimes, is it?’

  ‘Are you sure that’s all it is?’

  Stella sucked in a deep breath. ‘Well, it’s Gemma actually.’

  ‘Gemma? Why? Is she okay?’ Laura thought back to the uneasy feeling she had at seeing Gemma at the library.

  ‘I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do anymore.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She’s not herself. Late last year she dropped out of school. Said she wanted to get a job, be a hairdresser. I was able to talk Debra at the salon into giving her a trainee position, but she lasted a week. She enrolled in a TAFE course this year—hospitality—just to try and get a job, but I don’t think she’s been going. When I confront her, she ignores me and locks herself in her room. That’s when she’s actually home. Most of the time I have no idea where she’s gone. I know she’s smoking. I just hope that’s all it is, but I don’t know, Laura. I’m so worried about her. And I feel so helpless. It’s like she’s a different person these days.’ Stella pulled a tissue from her bra strap and wiped her eyes.

  ‘Oh, Stella,’ Laura said.

  ‘I just don’t know what to do. She’s so … oh, stuck in her own world. I’ve tried to reach her, but she pushes me away. And Art’s never home. He works away a lot these days, not his fault. Just the way it is. I even tried to convince her to see a counselor, but the closest one is in Clear Springs and they have a three-week wait. Not that Gemma would go even if I got her in. That’s the thing. There are so many kids like Gem. It’s not just her. Depression, anxiety. I see it at school, the kids withdraw from life, and then … I know the day will come when I’ll have to stand up at the school assembly because one of our students …’ She shook her head, unable to continue.

  Laura’s heart felt heavy for Stella. And for Gemma. And for Banyula. ‘I saw her at the library the other day,’ Laura said.

  ‘The library?’

  Laura nodded. ‘She had her laptop with her, but I’m not sure what she was doing. She wouldn’t talk to me much either, looked a bit embarrassed that I’d run into her.’

  Stella’s shoulder’s slumped. ‘I suppose there are worse places she could be,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I just wish there was someone she could talk to about whatever it is that’s making her feel this way.’ Stella shot an intense look at Laura. ‘Maybe you could talk to her. She looked up to you so much when she was little. She was always talking about you. You really were like a big sister to her.’

  Laura smiled, remembering how Gemma used to beg Laura to play Monopoly with her or watch her perform her latest acrobatic trick. ‘Well, like I said, she didn’t really want to talk to me the other day.’

  ‘Of course, no, I’m sorry. That’s too much to ask. I’m just being silly.’

  ‘No, it’s okay,’ Laura said, seeing the distress in Stella’s eyes. ‘I’d be happy to try again.’ Laura thought back to the few months of the counseling study she’d done. She vaguely remembered covering the child and adolescent unit. Maybe she could help Gemma. ‘I can try at least,’ Laura said, patting Stella’s hand.

  ‘Oh, Laura, would you?’ Stella smiled beneath her sadness.

  After Stella left, Laura continued cleaning the pantry, but her thoughts were racing. For a moment, she felt positive. Maybe there was something she could do to help Gemma. She vowed to go and see the girl. After all, it couldn’t hurt.

  Laura was halfway through cleaning the oven when Tom called. She pulled off the thick rubber gloves, now covered in a greasy brown residue, and answered.

  ‘Lauz, hey,’ Tom said. ‘I’m coming into town shortly, wondering if you wanted to catch up for dinner or something. There’s a new Thai restaurant where the bookshop used to be. I haven’t tried it yet, but well, I thought maybe we could, you know, see what it’s like?’

  Laura looked at her watch. It was almost six thirty, but the last thing she felt like doing was heading out. She was covered in grease and grime and knew she must have smelled like a chemical warehouse. Her stomach did stir at the thought of food though. ‘I’d love to Tom, but I’m halfway through cleaning the kitchen. How about pizza? Takeaway?’ Laura suggested, secretly hoping Tom’s offer would extend to maybe helping her clean the top of the cupboards after pizza.

  ‘Yeah, of course. That sounds great. Want me to call in and grab it?’

  ‘Nah, it’s fine. I’ll get it delivered.’

  ‘No pineapple!’

  Laura laughed. ‘Ha! Of course I remember!’

  ‘No worries. I’ll see you soon.’

  Laura shook her head. Tom could always bring a smile to her face. She was glad the awkwardness from the other day had seemed to disappear. She wondered how she’d managed without Tom all these years. His quick wit and dry comments always made her smile. He’d always been there, especially when things got rough with Ryan, even though she knew Tom wasn’t keen on her seeing Ryan for some reason. She never did figure out why. Her mind drifted back to the first time she realized Tom had mixed feelings about Ryan.

  Laura and Rachel were hanging out at the shops one afternoon after school.

  ‘You wanna go down to the basketball game on Saturday?’ Rachel asked Laura as they wandered past the bakery. The sweet smell of cinnamon and sugar made Laura's mouth water.

  �
�Um, yeah. I guess so.’

  ‘C’mon, it’ll be fun. Stacey and the others aren’t too bad, you know.’

  ‘Yeah, I just feel so weird around them all. I want to go to watch Ryan, but …’

  Rachel shrugged. ‘It’s not like you don’t see enough of him anyway,’ she said sarcastically.

  ‘Hey!’ Laura said, pretending to slap her away. It was true though. She had been spending all her spare time with Ryan, and it had been great. Although the last few days, he'd been a little weird.

  Laura paused to check out what was on the sale rack outside Popsicle, the only place for decent fashion in Banyula. ‘Anyway, you jealous, are you?' Laura said playfully.

  ‘I'm not jealous,’ Rachel snapped a little too sharply before softening her voice. ‘Just missing my best friend.’ She put her arm around Laura, planting a big kiss on her cheek.

  Laura laughed. ‘Hey, these would look good on you,’ Laura said, holding up a pair of crisp white jeans.

  Rachel rolled her eyes. ‘They’re so last year. Ugh. I’m just so over this,’ Rachel said, flicking through the dresses. ‘I want to get out of here so bad.’

  By here, Laura knew Rachel meant Banyula. All the kids in their school year had grand plans to get out of Banyula. Laura wanted to as well. At least to go to university. But she also felt a pang of sadness thinking about leaving it all behind. Her mum, their little house, long days out on Tom's farm, fun times down at the river with Rachel, Ryan, and Tom. So many good times. Sure, Banyula wasn't vibrant like the city. People here moved at a slower, laid-back pace. Laura didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.

  ‘Laura? Are you even listening to me?’ Rachel said.

  Laura spied Ryan across the street outside the local fish and chip shop with some friends. ‘Of course I am! Oh, hey, there's Ryan! Come on!’ she dragged Rachel by the arm across the street.

  ‘Maybe you can hook up with Mick or Dean?’ Laura whispered as they approached the boys, who were digging into a pile of hot chips wrapped in newspaper. The salty smell increased as they got closer.

  Mick and Dean were the school football heroes—tall, handsome, and barrel chested. The only problem was that they knew it. Laura didn't really understand why Ryan hung around with them, but hey, who was she to try and understand the workings of the opposite sex’s minds? Boys were so different. An alien species.

  As they neared, Laura heard Dean clear his throat and nod to Ryan. ‘Ball and chain at two o'clock.’

  Laura ignored him. ‘Hey, Ry,’ she said, slipping her arm around his waist.

  Ryan stepped back as the other boys nudged each other and smirked, and Laura felt the hot embarrassment race up her neck and burn her face.

  ‘Come on, Lauz, let's go,’ Rachel said as she grabbed Laura's hand. ‘We've got better things to do than hang out with these losers anyway.’ She whipped her long blonde ponytail around. As they walked away, Laura could hear the laughter behind them, including Ryan's.

  ‘Why did he do that?’ Laura asked Rachel, the tears welling behind her eyes.

  ‘Stupid boys, Lauz,’ she said. ‘Who needs them when we have ice cream?’ She pointed to the bright yellow façade of Scoops - the local ice creamery. ‘Come on! My treat! Vanilla or chocolate?’

  Half an hour and a double chocolate waffle cone later, the sun had fallen toward the horizon. Shopkeepers were rolling down blinds and closing doors. Laura waved goodbye to Rachel, who went off to the pizza shop to see if they had any part-time jobs, and Laura began toward home.

  ‘Lauz!’

  Laura swung her head behind her to see Tom running across the street, his long, lanky legs hanging out of his school shorts.

  ‘What are you still doing in town?’ Laura asked as Tom caught up with her.

  ‘Mum had some errands to do before we go home, so I’ve just been hanging out. Whatcha doing? Where’s Ryan?’

  Laura twisted her mouth.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  She shook her head. ‘Nothing. Ryan’s just being a jerk, that’s all.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Just hanging out with the boys and acting all tough and everything. Sometimes I wonder what I see in him.’

  Tom smirked. ‘Yeah, me too,’ he said under his breath.

  ‘Hey! That’s not nice! You like Ryan, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s not that I don’t like him. Anyway, you’re the one who just said he was a jerk!’

  ‘Yeah, he can be. In front of others. But on his own, he’s, well, he’s different.’

  Tom rolled his eyes.

  ‘Wanna walk me home?’ Laura asked.

  Tom paused, a serious look on his face as if he had more to say. He sighed and checked his watch. ‘Yeah, sure. Mum’s still going to be another ten minutes.’

  They crossed the road at the roundabout, shielding their eyes from the late afternoon sun, and entered St. James's Park, the shortest way to Laura’s house.

  The park was one of Laura’s favorite places in Banyula, but even it was showing signs of the heatwave overstaying its welcome. The trees hung with a tiredness, and the grass, normally thick like a green blanket, was tinged brown and patchy in places.

  ‘Sick of this heat,’ Laura said as she kicked stones on the path.

  ‘Yeah. Our dam’s gone dry. We’re having to move the cows closer to the river. But even that’s bloody low,’ Tom said, shaking his head.

  As they neared the far side of the park, only a block from her house, Laura noticed Ryan perched on the boundary fence near the rosebushes. She paused, causing Tom to look up too.

  ‘I better go, Lauz. Mum’ll be pissed off if I’m late.’

  Laura looked between Tom and Ryan. ‘Tom …’

  ‘It’s fine, Lauz. I’ll see ya tomorrow.’ Tom gave a halfhearted wave of acknowledgment to Ryan and turned back.

  Laura walked toward Ryan, who jumped off the fence to greet her.

  ‘Look, I'm sorry about what happened back there. You know, with the guys,’ he said, his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

  Laura shrugged and squinted into the setting sun.

  ‘Are we okay?’ he asked.

  ‘I s’pose.’

  Ryan put his arms around Laura and gently kissed her nose.

  ‘I don't get it, Ry. If you want to be with me, you have to acknowledge I'm your girlfriend.’

  ‘I know. I do.’ He paused. ‘I'm sorry.’ Ryan shifted on his feet, dropping his arms from around Laura. ‘What were you doing with Tom, anyway?’

  ‘I wasn’t doing anything with Tom. He was just walking me home. Geez, are we really doing this, Ryan?’ Laura began to walk out the gate.

  ‘Hang on. I’m sorry,’ Ryan said, grabbing her and sighing. ‘It’s … everything just gets to me sometimes.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It doesn't matter.’

  Laura sucked at the side of her cheek as she leaned against the fence, and then Ryan tilted her head up to look at him. He had turned on his cheeky grin, the one that indented his left cheek in a cute little dimple and widened his doe eyes, and she couldn't help but smile, even though she still wanted to be annoyed at him.

  ‘Come on. I'll walk you home,’ Ryan said, planting another kiss on her nose. He took her hand. Laura glanced behind her as they left the park, noticing Tom in the distance staring at them.

  Laura’s grip on the oven door loosened, and it slammed shut, jolting her back to the present.

  ‘Hello?’ Tom’s voice called down the hallway as he opened the door.

  ‘In here!’ Laura replied, grateful for the distraction from her crazy thoughts. It was the house that did it. All these crazy memories swirling around crashing into each other, confusing her. It was time to forget them.

  Tom walked into the kitchen. ‘I even cleaned up a bit for you,’ he said, holding his hands out and smiling.

  He did look all spiffy in a clean pair of jeans and button-down check shirt. He smelled of soap and musk, his curls still ti
ght with dampness.

  ‘You shouldn’t have. Really.’ Laura smiled.

  ‘Ah, it was nothing.’ Tom blushed.

  ‘No, I mean really you shouldn’t have,’ Laura said, handing Tom a screwdriver. ‘Those hinges up there need tightening. Would you mind?’ Laura pointed to the overhead kitchen cupboards.

  Tom shook his head. ‘That’d be right. I should’ve known you had ulterior motives.’ He grinned, pulling over the stepladder and tackling the cupboards.

  ‘Looks like you’ve packed up most things,’ he said as he wrangled the cupboard door into alignment.

  ‘Yeah. I can’t believe how much stuff Mum had hoarded away,’ Laura said. ‘I mean, look at this.’ Laura reached into one of the boxes and pulled out a green plastic alligator-shaped grater and held it up.

  Tom laughed. ‘That’s fantastic! Who wouldn’t want one of those?’

  ‘And then there’s this.’ She held up what looked like a cross between a stapler and a hole punch.

  ‘What the heck is that?’

  ‘I believe this is a cherry pitter.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘You know, gets the seeds out of cherries.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Yep,’ said Laura, throwing the item back into the box. ‘This was mum’s claim to fame—hoarder of useless kitchen gadgets.’

  Tom laughed as he knocked another cupboard door into alignment. ‘So, you decided what you’re doing with the house?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Laura said, wrapping a glass in newspaper. ‘It’s going on the market. Tomorrow.’

  Tom looked at Laura, raising his eyebrows. ‘Wow. That was quick.’

  ‘Well, no use faffing around with a decision,’ she replied, leaning back against the kitchen bench and itching her cheek.

  ‘I guess not. I mean you’ve got a life in the city to go back to,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah.’

  Just then, the cupboard door Tom was holding slipped from his grip. He stumbled off the stepladder and grabbed above Laura’s head just in time.

  Laura found herself positioned between Tom and the kitchen bench. Her heart quickened as she felt his strong arms balance the cupboard door above her and then place it down on the bench. Neither of them moved. As her eyes caught in his, she felt a palpable tension between them. An involuntary, rush of heat coursed through her body. A visceral reaction to his masculine scent and the heat radiating from his body so close to hers. As if in slow motion, she watched his lips part and form a smile. And then he reached his thumb to her cheek.