Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  “Sadey girl, I’m right here. Stop fighting me for a few minutes please.” She stills, already she’s worn herself out. I shut off the water and put my hands to her face. God this woman knows how to cry. She can make a slobbering baby look tame.

  As I wipe her tears, I kiss each cheek then her eyes and temple then her mouth. When she feels my touch to her lips, she grabs me from the behind the head and pulls me to her. She’s kissing me in fury, she’s so frightened. My heart is breaking with each movement she’s making on me. This is what I was afraid of all along. Exactly what I fuckin’ told Mace all that time ago dammit. I’ve done this to her, my lifestyle choices are causing her to be fear like this. God, what I have done to that sweet kid she once was? She was so innocent, loving, and free. She gave me her good and look what I have done with it.

  Fearing she is saying goodbye to me right here, I pull back to look at her. She won’t let go of me and she is holding tight. I grab both of her arms and pull them off my neck so I can move back enough to see her face. If this is her goodbye I need to let her have it. If something really does happen to me, I can’t allow having her live with any regrets. I will attempt to make her feel better, safer even but I need to let her have her say. My caveman instincts need to back the fuck off momentarily and not interrupt her again.

  “Is this your way of telling me that Ace told you about tonight?” She looks at me in defeat and nods. “I don’t know what you have heard, but I’m taking a fucking army with me tonight, baby. If I’m willing to leave that little punk around my woman without me here, doesn’t that tell you love that I’m coming back in haste? Don’t you see Sadey girl, this is how sure I am that I’m coming right back home to you.” Still, no words come out but she nods again in understanding. “Yes baby, I get what you’re saying about just ‘getting’ me but come on, you’ve always had me haven’t you? You twisted your finger all your life, who came running? Hell, you had both Shame and I. I’m just the lucky that I was the dumbass you chose, Mace and I would have a life full of lonely without you and brother knucklehead.” She half smiles, thank fuck. I grab her chin and lift it close to me so she hears what I’m saying.

  “So don’t you sit in worry. I’m coming back, tonight.”

  I want her to talk to me now though. She’s thinking, I see it in her eyes as they search every single inch of my face, neck, and chest. Even as kid she was always capturing moments, most times though it was in humor and she would make us relive them later, even before it was funny again to the rest of us. She would always remember something stupid one of us had done and she would live on it for a fuckin’ week.

  “I love you, Hem. God, when I heard the shots I thought that was it. Everything around me got dark, I couldn’t see. That awareness I may never see you again hit my chest. I was so scared. All I thought was that we haven't had enough time yet. There’s so much to tell you, so much to live with you. I thought how I don’t cook for you enough, I haven’t made you laugh enough, and I haven’t loved you enough. Hem, I want enough! Do you understand me? I need enough! I don’t ever want to run out of enough. When I thought it was over, that you and I weren’t going to be together again I swore to myself that if everything turned out okay that you and I would make us have enough.”

  She has more to say, she’s had all these emotions pent up even before the shoot. All of this wasn’t about just what happened, this has been weighing on her for a while. She’s trying to tell me what’s in her heart now, behind the cover-up of the attack.

  Damn, where the fuck have I been? Jesus, I was so busy making up for lost time inside the woman’s body lost in lust for her, I never stopped to check on my strong girl to make sure she was okay inside her heart. I’m a jackass, a cave dwelling undeserving fucking jackass.

  “Then when Raider came back to get us after, and I heard your voice when you came back I was almost sick again, Hem. The thought of not seeing you ever again it’s too heavy on me. When I think about it I feel like I can’t breathe and dark comes again. Promise me, you have to promise me, that you will come back. PROMISE!” She is getting hysterical again. My sweet girl is at a loss and doesn’t know what to do.

  “Look at me. Right now. Do you see me? I’m here and I’m fine. I will come back just the way I leave you. I promise you, Sadey. You have to do something for me as well. I can’t be out somewhere while worrying about you. You’re a trying woman, you make people crazy. So you listen good right now. You damn well do as you're told while I’m gone and don’t give Ace shit, well not too much anyway you can still need to keep the fucker on his toes. I need you to be safe, need to know you are here and safe.” I smirk at her, she knows I still want to kill the loyal son of a bitch. He loves my girl, I shouldn’t fault him for that but that don’t mean I still don’t wanna to beat his ass again.

  “Okay.” Her voice cracks.

  I need to settle this with her, need to be sure she’s good before I leave. “You are enough Sadey. Every day I am pissed at myself for waiting all this time, letting it go by as if I had an endless stock of days left in my life. I’m a self-centered prick, you know this. A shit like me doesn’t deserve you. I won’t let you go though, even if I know it’s wrong. I will love you enough to make up for it. I will give you enough to make you never regret it. I will share all of my life with you so don’t you ever think I’m not coming back to you. It’s too good not to come back for, baby.”

  I’m not leaving without giving her something to think about while I’m gone, something I can think about on my way back home to her. Lifting her in my arms, her legs around my waist I carry her and put her down on top of the washer. Not much time left before we go, this has to count.

  “I love you, my Sadey girl.” She smiles into my lips and pulls me closer.

  *****

  Mace is livid at me. I can’t think of a time in our lives that I’ve seen her this angry with me. She’s so pissed she even refused to see me before we left, which increases my resolve to get back safely. That mouthy foul tempered smartass little sister of mine couldn’t live with herself if I didn’t come back as the Hem she loves. I could go without the added pressure of that, but this will serve as motivation.

  Sadey was alright when I left. After giving Ace just one warning punch to the gut I left him with my girls. I know he will die before any harm comes to them, that’s good because if one fucking hair gets hurt on either head, he will wish he really was dead. I had to have my say with Ace. Fucker should have let me tell Sadey about tonight. Everything was so crazy and emotions were high, he wasn’t thinking about the outcome.

  Shame punches me in the shoulder hard as we make our way to our bikes. “Fuck man, your sister is fucking pissed at me. That woman has a way with words and if I weren’t so amped up tonight hell I may have even cried. Damn! She wouldn’t even let me touch her before I left, Hem. Now I’m all wired up, Jesus she’s a pain in my ass! DAMMIT.” God, I want to laugh. He is all twisted up over her. “What the fuck? Hell, we both heard you and Sadey go at it downstairs in the fucking laundry room, all I got was glared at for that too like it was my fucking fault! She was livid and I had to hear all about it how you didn’t have decency to take Sadey and make love to her right. She was trying to find shit to bitch at me about, dammit.” Now that I can believe. I’m holding back my grin because he is off the charts pissed right now. “She knows we don’t give a flying fuck about where we have our women, that’s how pissed she was. She was baiting me! You get laid, I get screeched at. It’s fucked Hem!”

  “What the fuck you want me to do for you, Shame? Hold your hand through it? Shame, she’s yours. You wanted that woman for as long as I can remember, most of the time I didn’t think about it cause I would have fucking killed you for your thoughts. You dumbass, it ain’t like you didn’t know how quick tempered, foul mouthed, and hateful she can get. You just kept going for that though, didn’t you? Hell, if it helps you get through it, she’s pissed at me too but I’m blood and I’m not worried about ever getting laid a
gain. Good luck my brother.” I’m laughing but he gets that I mean that. If something happens to me, he has to step up and handle all this shit but most all she is his to take care of. I trust him, he’s my brother in every sense of the word.

  All the boys are behind me now, we are lined up and ready to ride. One of us missing, recovering from a damn gunshot wound. It’s rough to know we won’t have Gunner hanging in the back on this ride. I motion the boys to head out. Stack has told us all, including Hood, to meet out past the old Church right out of town. It’s in the middle of nowhere and an ambush is likely so we are geared up and ready for it. I’m only taking seven men total, myself included. I want all hands back at the Club in case this is a trap.

  Rides always gives me too much time to think. I think about Sadey and Mace as kids and how they looked to Shame and I for love, acceptance, and protection. They had no idea how ugly the world could be, no idea what we were so adamant about shielding them from. They were consumed with being girls with Barbie’s, dress up clothes, then as they grew it was all about boyfriends and college. I’m proud of them both for handling this as they have. They aren’t kids anymore but I will never let go of ensuring they are protected. I’m lucky I’m in the position to have so many others looking after them.

  Finally we are close. I slow our motion and raise my hand overhead letting the boys know we’re about a mile out now and to be on lookout. We’ve done this many times and my only concern is the green prospect skill we have with us. I have faith in all the boys though, so let’s go and get this over with so I can get back to Sadey and confirm to her that I keep my promises, especially this one.

  In the distance there is just one bike. A single man is leaning on it holding a helmet and I can barely make out the flare of a cigarette as he sucks in a drag. Fuck this does not sit easy. I stop the boys to tell them I’m riding up alone. Of course, brother Shame has to attempt to challenge me but after a few words he finds his place again. He is not the fucking President of this Club, if I’m risking the lives of these men then I will be the first to the fight.

  Coasting my bike closer I see no movement behind the bush where the lone bike is parked. Still, it’s just the one lone rider. I continue up the path to him slowly, not without a quick look back at my boys to make sure they aren’t being flanked from the back. Shame raises his hands at me, giving me the all clear. I cut the engine and coast towards him, stopping just shy of 100 feet or so.

  “WELL? C’MON I DO NOT HAVE ALL FUCKING NIGHT, HEM!” Oh fuck, that’s actually Hood himself. Ballsy mother fucker to be standing alone in my view. I came here to get my gift, here I come you son of a bitch. Remembering my promise to my girl and the safety of those behind me, I’m cautious.

  “Think I will stay here, brother. Not exactly trusting of you right now, being that you’ve killed a woman and those pictures I have tells me you have either killed another or you are about ready to. So fuck you, I’m here. You can come to me now.”

  He flicks his smoke to the ground, watching the lit ashes scatter and then gets on his bike. His hands raise in surrender as if to tell me he’s not armed. RIGHT!

  He slowly comes towards me, closing the distance then slides his bike next to mine and I can hear Shame’s pipes ride up from behind me. Hood is staring him down as he does gets close but he makes no aggressive moves toward us. Before I can start to say anything to Shame, Hood begins talking and hell if I’m not confused now.

  “Listen boys, I don’t have long. Switch. Is. Dead. Again, don’t have long. They are probably watching us now.” He looks around slowly, through the brush that surrounds us and up to the old Church on the hill. He’s nervous and now this really isn’t sitting easy with me. He’s acting like he’s a target and is about to be shot, but it wouldn’t be us doing the shootin’. What the hell is he playin’ at?

  Shame has less patience for this than I do and cuts to the chase, “What the hell are you talking about you fucking snake? How is it that dear old Switch dead but all this shit is still coming down on us? We have no enemies and you know it! What the fuck you gettin’ at, man? Work your point before we lose interest and gut you where you stand. Will tell ya too fucker, I’m losing consideration quick.”

  “Shut the fuck up you gorilla. Jesus Hem, you got yourself a talker there.” He shakes his head in exasperation. Hood and Shame won’t ever be friends, who cares about that right now as long as Shame minds himself. Oh of course he won’t.

  Shames starts to make a grab for Hood while both men are straddling their rides. We are all on our bikes in a triangle formation and my brother is about to lose his shit and possibly get himself killed. I need to stop him from pissing Hood off enough to put him down. He will be pissed but damn I need a power play here before shit gets heated and blood is spilled before I can finish with Hood.

  “Shame, sit your fucking ass down and stop acting like a damn woman. We are out here in the open like a crop of prey for anyone and apparently don’t have much fucking time so let’s all calm the hell down and get in and out.” He looks at me and snorts in anger and spits in Hood’s direction, nearly missing his feet. Mature brother, you and my sister are going to wear me down before my own girl has a chance.

  “Hood, explain cause I’m losing patience as well now and I’m willing to take anyone down that I believe is responsible for this shit.” Hood is shaking. Hadn’t noticed that before, probably because I’m dealing with Shame and his fucking tantrums. Hood still has his eyes darting all around us like he’s expecting someone to gun us down where we sit.

  “Look, let me get to the point then. Your girl Cherry, that her name right? I’m sure she’s alive. Boys grabbed her near that shit of a house she has and well, you saw those pictures man. Sick assholes, dude. I mean sick. They tried to get her to talk about your security, members, and your girls Sadey and Mace. FUCK! She didn’t know anything, she did NOT KNOW ANYTHING! I swear man, I tried to tell him she was just a whore, but he didn’t believe me man. I’m not about hurtin’ women, who gets it up for a beaten and torn woman? The big guy isn’t about that either, but he has that fucking yuppie ass of his. Goes by name of Greaton or Grafton, I don’t know. It ain’t even a road name. He’s not even a member but he holds way too much power I’m telling you, he’s hungry for it. He’s a rabid dog and he needs put down. He’s got a sick mind and hell he’s creative. He thought long and hard about what he wanted to do to Cherry to send you the message he wanted sent. . He will spend eternity in a special place in hell for that.”

  “Did you just fucking say GREYSON?” Shame is unglued again, but I’m not close behind.

  “Yeah man, he’s crazy. He did all that shit to Cherry and damn if he didn’t say Mace and Sadey were next. I told you I’m not about that life, not women. When we start beating fucking women well fuck, that don't make us men.”

  Shame cuts Hoods pity party short. “Who killed Switch? I mean, no way Greyson did. He’s pussy. Who killed him?”

  “Dude, no. I don't get to know this information. Greyson told me I was lucky to be alive being that I was Switches right hand and from what Greyson said about the guy in charge now, Switch fucked up a lot of shit for him. I swear man, Switch never even told me someone was over him and he and I were close. Switch was ruthless that’s understood, but I don’t think this big guy was in charge long before Switch ran, now he’s dead.”

  “Where is Cherry? I need to get her back if they kept her alive.” Jesus, she was kept alive.

  “I got one of the other brothers to confess before I killed him, man. He spotted me leaving while I was on my way here and he was suspect of where I was going. It’s all so FUCKED UP. She’s on her way back to you. I don’t know how or when. Look, need you to know this, I’m doing this to help those girls. I had a sister raped and murdered. I was there, I remember everything. That’s the only reason I’m doing this, we ain't friends or brothers. This doesn’t mean you owe me shit. I’m pulling out a mark for my sister. Just know that I’m telling you the truth on her lif
e, I’m telling you everything I got. I’m out. I’m leaving town and never looking back. Fuckers may find me and kill me but better dead than live like this. I gotta ride.”

  With that he puts his helmet back on and starts the bike. Over the pipes we see him tilt his head and we hear, “Good luck” and with that, he’s gone.

  Was a long ride back to the Clubhouse. Shame and I both in silent worry, this storm is starting and once we are in the eye of it we both know that everything we’ve ever known will change.

  ******

  Arriving back at the Club, we find that everything is as we left it. Can’t say that I wasn’t nervous about the possibility of walking into another tragedy just as we did this morning. Thinking about everything Hood said has led me to believe that the man may have been telling the truth. I had heard rumors of his past and that of his sister. She really was raped and murdered in front of him, by a street gang no less. There is no honor among those men. This is what had led him to finding Switch and becoming part of a brotherhood, just happened to be one of the most fucked up brotherhoods in the state. Now, he’s doing all he can to escape it. If all he says is true then I don’t care what he says, we do owe him a marker for giving us heads up about what Greyson thinks he is planning. Fuck, just knowing Greyson is behind this is enough to send me reeling.

  Greyson Meyer. The pussy that I knew he was actually behind some of this shit. No way could he have masterminded this though, no way. He’s a moron and I don’t think he has the stones to pull anything like this off. If Switch is in fact dead, then someone else is pulling all the strings. The unknown is our biggest threat at this point.

  That bastard knows a lot about Mace and Sadey too. He knows their schedules, routines, habits, and even how they think. He’s been in my Club house on several occasions with Mace. Now I have to wonder if he didn’t manage to make it into my office himself and plant those pictures. Damn, if Gunner had found him and confronted him before we knew he was an enemy, I shudder to think of the damage he could have done to the girls and my brothers before they even knew what was happening.