“Can we talk?” he called out, feeling like the awkward schoolboy chasing after his crush. Only they were both adults, and things between them weren’t just awkward. They were seriously fucked.
He caught the way she stiffened at the sound of his voice, her expression tightening as she stopped walking and glanced his way. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have time.”
Shoving his hands in the pockets of his running sweats, he asked, “Can you make time? Because it’s important.”
“I would, but I’m already late getting back,” she said, her gaze focused on the frosty ground as he walked over to her, as if she didn’t even want to look at him. “I just needed to grab my gloves.”
“And I feel like I’m still chasing you,” he scraped from his tight throat. “Christ, Vivian. All I’m asking for is a goddamn minute. Just one.”
“I’m sorry, Max. But…we can talk tonight.”
She’d already started walking away when he said, “You know, I get that you’re pissed at me, but we don’t have to do it this way.”
She stopped, but didn’t turn around. “Do what?”
“Let this shit get between us. If you’d just trust me, you’d see that with or without that fucking bite, I’m here for you. That I can be the rock that holds you steady. That I’d never let you crash. Not against me, and not because of me.”
“But I don’t want a rock,” she said in a low voice, glancing over her shoulder and finally looking him right in the eye. “I want a wolf.”
He couldn’t stop himself from taking another step toward her. “And I just want you.”
“But not enough,” she said with a strained laugh, a pained look sweeping through her blue eyes before she glanced away from him again. “Not enough to let go of your past.”
“It’s not my past that’s the problem,” he clipped, his frustration getting the better of him. “It’s your future.”
“And that’s such bullshit!” she shot back, the tight leash she’d had on her emotions clearly fraying as she quickly turned to face him. “I put myself out there, Max, in the most vulnerable, intimate way possible, and all you did was shove it back in my face!”
“Because once that bond is made, there’s no backing out of it. Not tomorrow. Not forty years from now!”
Her nostrils flared as she sucked in a sharp breath, the blue of her eyes rimmed with purple fire, glittering with the violence of her emotions. “And just like that, we’re back to you, to what happened to you and your inability to deal with it, all over again. And you can’t even see it. But just because you would leave this world that we’ve both been sucked into, if you had that choice, doesn’t mean that I feel the same way. I already feel more at home here in the Alley than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. I feel safe. Happy.” She stepped closer, her head tilting back as she stared up at him, the single tear that slipped down her cheek striking him like a physical punch. “Or at least I could be, if we weren’t this,” she hissed, gesturing between them. “But I know… I know just how lucky I am to be here, Max. I just wish you could see that you are too. Right here, in this life, you’re lucky as hell. And it’s one that we could share together, if you weren’t so damn blind!”
“And what about human marriages, Viv? They can be happy. Stable. Lasting and exclusive, without any metaphysical bond tying the couple together.”
She blinked, looking at him as if he’d lost his mind. “In case you hadn’t noticed, Max, we’re not exactly human.”
“No, we’re not,” he husked, his heart thundering in his chest. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you or that I won’t always do whatever I can to protect you.”
“I don’t need your damn protection anymore. I just need to know that you’re whole. That you’re at peace with your life and what you are.”
He opened his mouth, ready to tell her about how he’d spent his week, but then hesitated. It didn’t feel right, after the way their little exchange had gone, and the words turned to ash on his tongue.
So he pulled in a deep breath, and chose other ones instead.
“You know, after everything we’ve been through, Vivian, you either trust me or you don’t. I shouldn’t have to prove myself to you.”
She flinched as she took a step back, her gaze lowering back to the ground. Then she just turned around and started walking down the glade, toward the mercs’ cabins, and he had to fight against the burning urge to run after her. An instinct he figured it was best to deny just then, seeing as how she seemed determined not to listen to him, pushing relentlessly for the way she believed things needed to be. As if her way was the only way.
Max had his phone strapped onto his bicep with an athletic band, and he reached for the Velcro closure when the phone chirped with a text alert. Figuring it was Elliot, since they’d planned to meet up at some point that morning, he was surprised to find himself looking down at a text from Mason.
Then his jaw dropped as he read the message, the phone shoved in his pocket a second later as he took off after Vivian.
Catching up with her, he was careful to keep his touch gentle as he gripped her arm and spun her around. “We need to head over to Mason and Torrance’s place right now,” he said, speaking quickly before she could tear his head off. “It’s important, Viv.”
“What happened?” she asked, searching his eyes.
“Lev just heard from James,” he told her, his beast damn near roaring with relief. “And the son of a bitch actually did it. He found him.”
“Chiswick?” she gasped, blinking up at him in shock.
“Yeah, baby. Chiswick.” He took hold of her shaking hand, their argument forgotten in the face of what was coming. “We finally know where that sick fuck is hiding.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’ll Die Trying
Lev had been driving down the highway for nearly thirty minutes with Vivian hunched toward the door in the passenger’s seat, when he finally said, “You really leaving the boy behind?”
She freaking hated it, but that was certainly the way it looked, seeing as how she was sitting in one of the mercs’ two black trucks that were currently making their way toward Albany, New York, and Max was still back at the Alley.
Pulling in a deep breath, she wondered how she’d gotten to this point, the last hour seeming like a painful, headache-inducing blur.
Even though Vivian had known that emotions would be high in the lead-up to taking down Chiswick, she was still surprised that it’d come to this—to her and the mercs heading off to face the demons on their own. They hadn’t intended to cut the Runners out of the battle, until James had shared some disturbing details about Chiswick’s compound with Lev—specifically about a tall blonde female who Vivian had the feeling she’d already met the night of the private party at the Velvet Rope. She hadn’t been able to get any more information out of Lev when they’d gotten in the truck, but whoever the woman was, her presence at the compound had been enough to drastically change the situation. According to Lev, the Runners would be in too much danger if they took part, and so he and the other mercs had decided to make it a Venatori-only hunt. One they weren’t even waiting to have sanctioned by the Venatori Council.
And to say that the Runners had taken the news of the decision badly would be a serious understatement.
Instead of coming together and planning a meticulous attack, combining their significant resources and skills, the meeting at the Dillingers’ cabin had been a contentious one, filled with cursing and shouting, and Lev and Cian very nearly coming to blows by the end of it. Surprisingly, Max had been unusually quiet through the heated arguments, but then she’d realized why when the mercs had finally walked out, taking her with them, and he’d immediately followed, while the other Bloodrunners and their mates had remained in the cabin, too furious at that point to care what the mercenaries did.
“Don’t even think of walking away without talking to me,” Max had growled, when she looked back and started to tell him that they co
uld talk when she returned to the Alley. Taking her arm, he’d led her over to the far end of the porch, his expression set in fierce lines as he herded her against the front of the cabin. “Jesus, Vivian. Do you really think I’m going to just sit back and let you leave me behind?”
“Max,” she’d sighed, only realizing then that his silence during the meeting had been because of a slow-building rage, the visceral emotion all but seething out of him now that they could talk in relative privacy, the mercs waiting for her in the center of the glade.
Searching her eyes, he’d said, “So you’re just going to run again? Is that it?”
“I’m not running,” she’d argued. “This is my job now.”
He’d stared down at her with a raw, piercing gaze. “And I can’t be a part of it?”
“You heard Lev. This needs to be our fight. The Venatori’s.”
“That’s such bullshit. They’re just letting what happened to their mothers cloud their judgment and you know it.”
“Max, please,” she’d whispered. “Please don’t make this harder than it already is.”
A bitter laugh had jerked up from his chest. “You think I’m gonna make it any easier for you to just ditch me? What the hell, Viv? I know we’ve got a lot of shit to work through, but I never expected this from you. Never thought you’d just turn your back on me.”
Placing her hands against his chest, she’d said, “I… I don’t want to leave when you’re so angry at me. I swear I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“No, baby. You’re just tearing my fucking heart out.”
She’d flinched, unable to look away from the gut-wrenching intensity of his molten stare. And then he’d taken a step back, her hands falling to her sides as he muttered, “Watch yourself tonight, Vivvie. I hear those demons can be real assholes.”
He’d started to walk away from her then, but she’d grabbed onto his arm, jerking him back toward her as she begged, “Don’t do this. Please!”
“Do what? You’ve already got us all figured out. And you’ve made your decision about who you’re willing to fight beside. Who you’re willing to trust. Now hopefully you’ll get to live with it.”
“Ouch,” she’d breathed, hating that he was looking at her like she’d just swiped a set of claws across his gut.
As if he’d read her mind, he’d smirked, saying, “You start slicing at me, babe, then you’ve got to be ready to deal with the gory results. Nothing this ugly ever comes without a little emotional bloodshed.”
“Damn it, Max, this isn’t anyone’s fight but mine and the mercenaries. No one else needs to suffer or be in danger!”
“You know, if the Runners and I have learned anything in our time together—excluding Elliot’s dumb-ass decision to try and face the wargs on his own with no other backup than your new Venatori brothers—it’s that we’re stronger together than we are apart. We’re friends, but more than that we’re a family, and family means sticking together through thick and thin.”
“It’s not their fight,” she’d whispered, the words broken and raw.
“It could be, if all of you would just open your damn eyes and see that you’re a part of us too.”
“Am I, Max?” She’d blinked up at him. “Because last time I checked, you still hadn’t claimed me.”
Jerking his arm out of her hold, he’d looked away from her, a muscle pulsing madly in his rigid jaw as he quietly said, “If you do this, Viv… We don’t just pick up where we left off when you come back.”
“Wh-what?”
“You heard me. I’m done.”
She’d flinched again as those words shot from his lips like blades, cutting at her, eviscerating and sharp. “But… But, I’m—”
“You’re what, sweetheart?” he’d asked with a bitter snort. “Sorry?”
Wrapping her arms around herself, she’d whispered, “I am, Max.”
“Yeah, well, so am I,” he’d muttered, looking away from her. “Because if you don’t think I have the right to fight by your side, or that you can trust me to have your back, then this shit isn’t something I need in my life.”
He’d left her then, walking across the porch and down the steps, completely ignoring the mercs as he moved past them. And like an idiot, she’d just let him go.
Honestly, what had I been thinking?
And it wasn’t just Max she’d left behind, after climbing into Lev’s truck and driving out of the Alley with Sam and Kyle just behind them, but Skye too. Her sweet, beautiful best friend, who had a killer laugh and big green eyes that always showed exactly what she was thinking. The look of fear and sadness that’d been in Skye’s shadowed gaze when they’d said a quick goodbye had torn at her. But even that pain paled in comparison to what had happened before with Max.
Oh… Oh, God. With every mile that passed by, Vivian couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d made a stupid, horrendous mistake by thinking she was doing him a favor, cutting him out of the coming fight. But she’d done it for his own good, somehow convincing herself that a Lycan so at odds with his inner beast would be too vulnerable facing off against a deadly demon, or more.
And he’d known that’s what she was thinking. That’s why he’d been so damn furious with her.
And the really shitty part was that she didn’t blame him.
“Max is hardly a boy,” she finally muttered in response to Lev’s question. “And, yeah, he’s staying in the Alley, just like you and Kyle and Sam wanted. It’s the right move.” Even though I’m not sure I really believe that anymore, and arguing with him about it was the worst moment of my entire life.
Lev laughed under his breath, the husky sound making her want to smack him.
“What?” she asked as she stared out the window, thinking that the world looked beyond dull to her now. There was no spark in it. No color. “You don’t agree?”
“We might not have wanted the other Runners getting involved, because this is a Venatori matter, and the blonde is going to complicate the shit out of things, making it a thousand times more dangerous. So it doesn’t need to be their fight; it’s on us. But you’re Max’s, and whether he’s claimed you or not, that means he has skin in this game that the others don’t.” He slid her a knowing look before turning his attention back to the road. “But hell, Vivvie, this is your call. Doesn’t matter what I think.”
True, it didn’t. All that mattered, it seemed, was what Max thought. And right then, she knew he thought she was a raging bitch.
She tried to swipe at her tears without Lev noticing, but they just kept falling. She couldn’t stop thinking about how angry Max had been, his handsome face seething with rage when he’d walked away from her.
Rage, and what had been an unmistakable mask of pain. One that had felt like a hammer hitting repeatedly against her chest, pulverizing her heart, until there was nothing left but a hollow, destroyed space.
And doesn’t it serve you right? I mean, who died and made you Queen of the Universe, deciding when and how he accepts his inner beast?
She slid a startled glance at Lev. “What did you say?”
“I didn’t say a word.”
It’s me, princess. And in case you need it spelled out for you, I think you’re being a massive-sized tool.
“Oh, God.”
Lev shot her a worried look. “You okay over there?”
“No.” She wet her lips with a nervous flick of her tongue. “I… I think I’m losing my mind. I have some other woman’s voice in my head.”
Instead of looking concerned for her, his head shot back and he let out a deep belly laugh. “I was wondering when that would start.”
Panic had her heart racing. “When what would start?”
“It’s your Venatrix half. We all have them, same as the Lycans do. For me and the guys, the Venator voice overpowered our Lycan one a long time ago.”
Vivian glared at him with so much heat she was surprised he wasn’t singed. “You mean you knew this would happen,” she growled, “but didn
’t think to tell me?”
He snorted like a jackass. “Hell, Vivvie. I can’t spoil all the surprises for you. Where would be the fun in that?”
“You’re such a dick!”
“I try,” he drawled, making her want to smack him all over again.
Crossing her arms over her chest, she kept right on glaring out the window, hoping he’d just let her stew in silence. But barely a minute later, he asked, “So what exactly did your inner V have to say to make you so pissy?”
“She seems to think I’m acting like a bitch to Max,” she muttered, rubbing her forehead, feeling like she had the mother of all headaches coming on.
“Hmm.”
Slapping her hands against the tops of her thighs, she snapped, “Really? Hmm? That’s all you’ve got to say? Because it’s not exactly helpful, Lev.”
With his elbow braced on his door and his hand rubbing over his mouth, it looked like he was trying to hide a smile as he said, “Sounds like she’s already told you what you need to hear.”
“So you agree with her?” she sniffed, already missing the fresh linen-and-cedar smell of Max’s cabin. A scent that she’d quickly started to think of as home.
Lev shrugged his massive shoulders. “I’m not agreeing with anyone. I might have stuck my nose in when he wasn’t being upfront with you, but now I’m Switzerland in this little drama.”
“Such an ass,” she muttered, glaring out the front window again as she pulled her hair over her shoulder and started twisting it in one direction, and then the other, just like she always did when she was troubled or deep in thought.
“All I will say is this, though. I’m guessing you aren’t crying ‘cause you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy about your choice today.”
She had to swallow twice before she could respond. “Just because it makes me sad doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do.”
“True. But it also doesn’t mean it was right.”
She scowled, hating that he made such good points, when she wasn’t ready to hear them. And, God, it’s not like Max was going to be alone while she was gone—which could be a while, it seemed, depending on how things went that night. But he had his friends and his family. His sister, Michaela, was one of the most beautiful, genuine women Vivian had ever met, and she took comfort in the fact that Mic would be there for him.
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