Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan Book 2)

by S. H. Kolee

  I wanted to ask Logan if she had mentioned hearing us have sex, but I couldn’t in front of Mack. For some reason, I just couldn’t stand to have Mack find out what a repulsive thing I had done.

  Logan studied me for a moment before speaking again. “She asked if she could spend some time with me. I told her I would talk to you about it, but even if you agreed, it would only be with the both of us. I think she’s afraid to be alone right now. She told me she doesn’t have much family in California to go back to for Thanksgiving. Her father died in a car accident while she was in high school, and she’s estranged from her mother.”

  What the hell was I supposed to say to that? As guilty as I felt, I wanted to scream no. She would just try to manipulate Logan into being with her.

  “I…I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. “I need to think about it.”

  “Why don’t you guys go home,” Mack interjected. “I’ll stay here with her. They’re releasing her tomorrow and I’ll make sure she gets back to her hotel safely.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate it,” Logan said. “Call me if you need anything.”

  My emotions were a jumbled mess on the drive home. Guilt and fear warred with each other. Could I refuse Kristina’s request after what I had done? But wouldn’t that just be giving her an opportunity to get her hooks back into Logan?

  When we got back to Logan’s apartment, I collapsed on the couch. Logan sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

  “Let’s not talk about it for a while,” I said wearily, when he turned to me. “I can’t take any more stress. I’ll think about her request and make a decision by the time she’s discharged from the hospital tomorrow.”

  “I was just going to ask what you wanted to eat,” Logan said with a rueful smile. “Everything else can wait.”

  Logan made a concerted effort to keep things light for the rest of the day, which made me feel even guiltier. I was the one who had done a despicable thing, yet he was the one trying to cheer me up.

  Emily called, and I couldn’t even fathom trying to explain to her everything that had happened. I felt bad lying, but I was physically and emotionally exhausted, so I told her everything was fine and I would call her back later when I had more time to talk.

  Mack called us once in the evening to let us know that everything was fine, and that he would call us again the next day when Kristina left the hospital. Logan thanked him again for looking after her, and said he would talk to him tomorrow.

  Logan and I didn’t make love that night. We just held each other until we fell asleep. For the first time in a very long time, I had dreams about Cassie that had me waking up in the middle of the night, gasping to catch my breath. I wished I had my sleeping pills with me, then shook off the thought as I remembered how Kristina had tried to kill herself.

  It was a long time until I was finally able to fall back asleep, only to be met with nightmares about Cassie’s death again.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mack didn’t call until almost three o’clock in the afternoon the next day. He told us he had settled Kristina back into her hotel and that he was having dinner with her tonight.

  “Do you want to join them?” I asked Logan after he had hung up the phone and told me about their conversation. He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

  “Does that mean you’re okay with us spending time with Kristina?”

  I sighed heavily. “I don’t know. I resent the fact that she’s putting me in this position, but then I feel like this whole situation is my fault to begin with.”

  “Maddie, we don’t need to spend time with her. I only told you about her request for the sake of full disclosure.”

  “But do you want to spend time with her?” I asked, fearful of the answer.

  Logan didn’t respond right away. When he did, he seemed resigned. “Not for me. I don’t have any desire to spend time with her. But I do admit I feel guilty. Regardless of the lies she told, I feel like it’s my fault because none of this would have happened if I hadn’t lost my damned memory.”

  I frowned at him. “That was out of your control. You can’t hold yourself responsible for that.”

  Logan rubbed his forehead wearily. “If only I could get my damned memory back.”

  “Listen,” I said firmly. “Let’s both stop blaming ourselves. We’ll go to dinner tonight with Mack and Kristina and take it from there. Maybe things will resolve themselves on their own.”

  I didn’t believe my words, but I would go crazy speculating on what would happen next. Besides, maybe going to dinner with Kristina would give me insight as to whether or not her motives had changed since her suicide attempt.

  We met them at a small Italian restaurant near Kristina’s hotel, which was uncomfortably close to Logan’s apartment. Mack and Kristina had already arrived, and as we approached the table where they had been seated, it took everything I had not to grab Logan’s hand and drag him away. I couldn’t believe how things had changed so quickly in the span of a day. I had been so determined to keep Kristina away from Logan and now I was willingly spending time with her.

  Mack got up from his seat when we got to the table. He smiled widely, as if nothing was weird or awkward about the situation, and we were merely a group of friends getting together for dinner.

  “Hey, guys,” he said cheerfully. “I’m glad you two could make it.”

  As we sat down, Kristina made a concerted effort to avoid eye contact. She kept her gaze on the table, which made things even more awkward. She still looked a little pale and I could see that there were dark circles under her eyes.

  We all sat there, in silence, and I couldn’t help noticing how tightly Kristina’s hands were clenched together. As much as I wanted to hate her, her obvious misery made it hard.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked gently. Kristina’s eyes flew up to my face at my question, but I couldn’t read her expression.

  “Okay, I guess. I’m not sure what Mack told you, but I didn’t try to kill myself. I just took too many sleeping pills by accident.”

  Despite not believing her, there was no way I would contradict her. “I know. It’s hard for me to sleep sometimes too, so I have to resort to sleeping pills as well.”

  Her lips pressed together, and I wasn’t sure if she was surprised by my attempt at sympathy or thought I was trying to patronize her. Either way, she didn’t respond.

  “The food looks really good here,” Mack interjected when no one said anything else. “I already know what I want to order.”

  The next few minutes were, thankfully, filled with looking at the menu and ordering our food and drinks from the waiter. I was grateful when the waiter promptly returned with our bottle of wine. If I ever needed liquid courage, tonight was the night.

  “Are you doing okay in the hotel by yourself?” Logan asked after the waiter had poured our glasses of wine.

  Kristina scowled at his question. “Of course I am. I’m not a child.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it,” he said diplomatically. “I just know it can be hard staying in a hotel long-term by yourself.”

  “Hey, I’m alone in a hotel too,” Mack exclaimed, although his tone was jovial. “How come you’re not asking me if I’m doing okay? I get lonely sometimes too, you know.”

  Logan rolled his eyes but he was smiling. “Fine. Are you doing okay in your hotel by yourself.”

  Mack put a hand to his chest, looking melodramatic. “Actually, it’s been really hard. Will you stay the night with me and spoon me?”

  Everyone laughed and I was grateful for Mack’s antics that broke the gloomy mood. We attempted to make normal conversation, although we were all painfully aware that we were ignoring the elephant in the room. Not only Kristina’s suicide attempt, but the uncomfortable situation of her trying to break Logan and me up with her lies about an engagement.

  We were able to keep up the façade for most of dinner, until Mack mentioned Thanksgiving.

  “I’m looking forward to co
ming over for Thanksgiving,” he said with a smile. “Can I bring anything? I can pick up dessert.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Just bring yourself. I’m determined to make the whole shebang this year from scratch.” I made a wry face. “Of course, that may mean we end up ordering Chinese food for dinner.”

  I noticed that Kristina’s face fell at the mention of Thanksgiving. I told myself not to do it. To not say anything to her about it. But she looked so forlorn sitting there that I couldn’t help myself.

  “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure. It’s not a big deal. I’m not a big holiday person.”

  Her answer made me feel worse. Usually the people who said they didn’t like holidays were the ones who didn’t have anyone to spend them with.

  I could hardly fathom the next words that came out of my mouth. “Do you want to come over for Thanksgiving? I can’t promise a great meal because I’m not exactly the best cook, but at the very least you can feast on some Orange Chicken.”

  Kristina didn’t say anything at first. To say she looked surprised was an understatement. I half-expected her to refuse, since we weren’t exactly on good terms, and I didn’t know how to feel when she nodded her head.

  “Thanks for the invitation. I’d like to come over for Thanksgiving.” She hesitated before continuing. “I’ve never really done the whole Thanksgiving dinner thing. My mother wasn’t exactly the domestic type and most holidays were spent in front of the TV.”

  I remembered Logan mentioning that she was currently estranged from her mother. I could only imagine what had precipitated that estrangement. I realized that we had something else in common besides Logan: shitty mothers.

  Logan smiled at me, and I wasn’t sure how to feel about him looking grateful. It didn’t exactly make me ecstatic to see that he was pleased about my invitation to Kristina.

  The rest of dinner was uneventful, and I was relieved when we parted ways. Logan didn’t waste any time bringing up my invitation once we were alone in the car.

  “Thanks for inviting Kristina. I know that must have been hard for you.”

  I sighed. “I didn’t know what else to do. We were all discussing Thanksgiving and she was just sitting there with a despondent look on her face. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to her joining us, but I felt like I had no other choice.”

  Logan took my hand and squeezed it. “I know you didn’t want to do it. That’s why I appreciate it.”

  I stared out the window at the passing lights, not knowing what to say. I had a feeling I would end up regretting this, but there was no going back now.

  We spent the next day preparing for Thanksgiving, since it was only a day away. We did all the grocery shopping and I put Logan in charge of brining the turkey. We put music on while we got some of the prep work out of the way, so we wouldn’t be overwhelmed the next day. It was freezing outside, but it was warm and cozy in Logan’s apartment as we drank wine and laughed while working in the kitchen. If it hadn’t been for the damper of knowing that Kristina would be here tomorrow, it would have been a perfect day.

  I spoke to Emily on the phone, but I still didn’t tell her about everything that had happened. I didn’t even know where to start, and if I were being honest with myself, I didn’t want to tell her what I had done. I wished her a happy Thanksgiving, since she was traveling home to Ohio to spend it with her family. I told myself I would tell her everything on Friday, since she would be back in Chicago, and we had a tradition of spending Black Friday together scouring all the deals.

  Thanksgiving morning was sunny but frigid. Logan and I stayed in bed late, not wanting to leave the warmth of the covers. When we finally rolled out of bed, we had plenty to do in the kitchen to keep us occupied. I put Logan to work peeling potatoes while I got the yams ready.

  “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  I turned around from the kitchen counter and saw Logan standing there with a wrapped box. I raised an eyebrow.

  “You know that you don’t give presents on Thanksgiving, right? That’s Christmas.” I gave a mock frown. “Did you forget that too?”

  Logan laughed. “No, but I figured gift-giving is allowed on any holiday.” He held up the box. “Does that mean you don’t want it?”

  “Don’t be silly,” I said, snatching the present from his hands. “I wouldn’t want to be rude or anything, by refusing a gift.”

  Logan grinned and watched me rip open the wrapping paper. It was a small, long box, but for some reason I hadn’t been expecting jewelry. I certainly hadn’t been expecting a glittering diamond bracelet. I looked up at him with my mouth open.

  “When did you even get a chance to buy this?” I asked in surprise. “We’ve been together practically every minute since you left the hospital.”

  Logan gave a mock scowl. “That’s the reaction I get when I give you a present?” He shook his head, although his scowl dissolved into a smile. “I actually asked Mack to pick it up for me. He gave it to me at dinner last night.”

  I stared at the bracelet. It must have cost a fortune. I looked up at Logan, who was watching me expectantly. “I love it. I’m just surprised.” I frowned. “I don’t have a Thanksgiving present for you.”

  Logan laughed as he leaned down and dropped a kiss on my mouth. “I didn’t expect one.” His expression sobered as he looked at me. “I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you being by my side. I know it hasn’t been easy. Hell, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have someone you love not recognize you. But I want you to know that the memories we’ve made together since the accident are more than enough for me to realize how much I care about you. Technically, I’ve only known you for a couple of weeks, but it’s like my love for you is a physical part of me, like my arms or my legs. It’s undeniable.” He took a deep breath. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, Maddie. Pre-accident, post-accident, memory or no memory. It doesn’t matter, because I know I was born to love you. I can’t imagine living a life not loving you.”

  There was a lump in my throat from all my overwhelming emotions. I had never expected Logan to tell me he loved me so soon. I had been sure it would take time, and I had steeled myself to be patient. But here he was, looking down at me with so much love in his eyes that I wanted to weep with relief and happiness. His memory loss would be so much easier to deal with, now that I knew what his feelings were.

  “It’s been so hard for me not to say those words to you,” I said, my voice breaking. “I didn’t want to move too fast and push you too hard. But I’ve been saying those words in my head over and over again. Now I can say it out loud. I love you, Logan. I can’t believe I almost lost you, but it made me realize that the only life worth living is one where I’m loving you.”

  I saw the emotion in Logan’s eyes, and I felt utterly complete when he leaned down and kissed me softly, our lips clinging together as we were both overwhelmed by our emotions.

  Our kiss quickly turned more intense, matching the depth of our feelings. As our lips and tongues caressed each other with increasing urgency, it would have been easy to be swept away by our desire, but we were interrupted by the oven beeping, indicating that it had reached the preheated temperature.

  I pulled back, only to have Logan grab me, and pull me close again.

  “As much as I’d love to continue this, we don’t have time,” I protested, laughing. “Kristina and Mack will be here in a few hours and we still have to put the turkey in the oven, never mind all the other dishes that have to be prepared.”

  Logan pretended to be put out by my refusal, but then he ruined it with a grin. “Okay, but you have to at least wear your present while you cook.”

  I wasn’t about to refuse, and I admired the sparkling bracelet as Logan clasped it around my wrist. It winked at me as I worked in the kitchen, a constant reminder of Logan’s love for me.

  We had told Mack and Kristina to come at five o’clock for an early dinner, and b
etween preparing all the side dishes, dessert and, most importantly, the turkey, we finished just in time. I barely had time to shower and get ready before the doorbell rang.

  Logan opened the door and I was relieved to see that Mack had arrived first.

  “Do you think you brought enough wine?” I asked with a rueful smile. He was carrying a box with four bottles of wine inside. “We don’t each need to drink a whole bottle, you know.”

  Mack grinned. “I just thought it would help with the Thanksgiving cheer.”

  Logan took the wine and added it to the collection of bottles we had already put out. “I think there’s more wine than actual food,” he joked. He offered Mack a glass of wine from a bottle we had already opened, which he accepted, and we all settled into the living room.

  “I hope you’re ready to eat,” I said. “I wanted to make sure we had enough food, so I kind of overdid it.”

  Logan raised an eyebrow. “Kind of? We have enough food for ten people.”

  “You’re supposed to overeat on Thanksgiving,” I protested. “You haven’t eaten enough unless you’re in pain.”

  “I promise to eat until I think my pants are going to bust open,” Mack pledged.

  “See?” I said to Logan. “Now that’s a good Thanksgiving guest.” I turned to Mack. “Did you get a chance to call your grandmother?”

  He had mentioned at dinner last night that his grandmother was spending Thanksgiving with his uncle, who was her brother, and his family. He had been considering flying back to spend it with her, and then flying back to Chicago to finish up work, but his uncle had insisted that she would be fine without him.

  “Yeah, but it wasn’t a very productive conversation. She kept asking who she was talking to, and then finally decided I was a salesman and got mad at me for making a sales call on a holiday and hung up on me.”