Songbird

by Victoria Escobar

“Mr. Walker—”

  “And don’t fucking call me that.”

  I looked up and the fury in his eyes made me want to cringe away. “Nicholas, really, there’s nothing to discuss.”

  “You. Left. Me.” He sounded incredulous. “High and dry. Are you ready to talk about it?”

  “We have talked about.” I mentally applauded my reasonable tone. “You deserve more than I have to offer.”

  “You didn’t fucking ask me what I wanted. You assumed. Or at least you weren’t willing to hear me when I was ready to talk to you.”

  I closed my eyes. My head dropped against his collarbone, suddenly too tired. Not being near him after being so close to him during the tour left a hole so big this was hard. Being in his arms tore apart the fragile walls I had begun to rebuild around my heart.

  “Songbird, talk to me. Why are you shutting me out? For real this time. Why won’t you give us a chance?” His voice was low and hoarse and the pain in it cut into my heart fast and deep.

  “Let me go, please.” I couldn’t talk to him while pressed against his chest. His scent was too intoxicating and brought too many memories to the surface.

  His head dipped and his lips brushed my ear when he whispered. “I’m not deaf, Bianca. I hear the music. Try again.”

  I lifted my head and stiffened my spine. “When this all began, you told everyone on the tour bus you only had room in your heart for music.”

  His arms fell away. The truth hurt even more than being in his presence. At least now I could step back from the intoxication scent of him.

  “Then you understand.” I lifted my chin. “I will admit I miss the easy friendship, but I’m not going to be a convenient lay or...I can’t go back to being in that position.” My voice shook and dropped. “I won’t.”

  He tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “No. You shouldn’t.”

  “Then we agree.” I swallowed and cleared my throat. “Get some clothes on. Let’s go.” I turned and marched up the stairs, pretending I wasn’t trampling on my own heart.

  If I had expected Nicholas to be silent and at least pretend to be companionable that wish was shot down with the broken silence. There was nothing left to say but leave it to Nicholas to beat a dead horse.

  “You’ve given me some things to think about. Do you know what I realized?” Nicholas turned in his seat and picked up my hand from the seat between us.

  I braced for the words I knew were coming. The blow about to crush my heart was expected weeks ago. He could never love me but to hear him say it might be more than I could deal with. Especially since I still had to be polite for the rest of the evening.

  “Oh?” My voice was only a whisper I wasn’t sure he heard. I knew he could feel my hand trembling because he lifted it to his lips to kiss the knuckles.

  A ghost of a smile played on his lips when he lowered our hands. “I realized that I’ll never be enough for you.”

  My mouth gapped open but I couldn’t force any sound out.

  “Without you in my life, I crumble like sand. The guys, and Ezra witnessed it the last month. You’re this enormous pillar of strength I know I can rely on. I can lean on you and everything will be okay. You are strong enough to handle my moods as they come and strong enough to face me down when I’m in the wrong.” He played with our fingers. “But I can’t do that for you.”

  “What are you talking about?” I couldn’t follow his logic. There was something wrong with it. There was no way this gorgeous, talented man was demeaning himself for me. For scarred, broken me.

  “I can’t hold you up. I can kill the bad guys that make you cry but there’s nothing I can really do that you can’t do for yourself. You are so fucking powerful and don’t even realize it. It’s a shame really that you don’t apply that to all aspects of your life.”

  “Nicholas…” I had nothing to say. I didn’t know what to say.

  Nicholas squeezed my fingers, “But even though I can’t hold you up, I can catch you when you fall. I’ll be your net, Bianca, if you’ll be my pillar.” He slid off his seat and moved to kneel next to me. He dropped his head into my lap and closed his eyes. “Please don’t leave me, again. Please?”

  My hand moved automatically to brush the soft hair that had fallen into his face. There was no way I could do this with him. Nicholas needed someone better than me. He needed someone that wasn’t broken and trying to put the pieces back together.

  “I—”

  “Bianca,” his voice was hoarse, “I need you.”

  That word was like a slap in the face. Need was the sound of a gun and blood splashed on white roses. Need was desperation and confinement. Need was…terrifying.

  Need had gotten Tyler killed. Taylor injured, and me? Need had put me in the hospital for two weeks with a questionable chance of recovery. No. I did not want to be needed ever again.

  A good minute passed before I could get past the shock to speak. “I was needed before. Benjamin needed me. Dad needed me. I don’t want to be needed Nicholas. Being needed scares me.” The last sentence came out in a whisper I couldn’t hear over my drumming heart.

  He sat up and suddenly climbed into my seat and straddling my lap. Twilight moved through his forest eyes and I could see the emotion I dreamed of but something in me needed him to say it out loud to be believable. He stared into my face for a long time before leaning forward pressing me into the back of the seat as his hair tickled my cheek.

  “Listen carefully,” he whispered directly into my ear. “I’m going to tell you something only my mother has ever heard.”

  “Okay,” I whispered back, turning my head enough that the syllables of the word feathered against his ear.

  “I love you, Songbird.”

  The words made my eyes burn with tears. I let them stream down my cheek. When he said it the words didn’t feel wrong. Never in my life had something sounded so beautiful, but…I waited so long for someone to love me. Really love me. Now it didn’t seem real. “You can’t. I’m not good for you. For your career. There are so many better choices for you to make.”

  Nicholas pressed a gentle kiss to the place where ear and jaw connected. “If you leave me, you’ll take my music. I did say in the beginning the only room I had in my heart was for my craft. But you never asked what created the songs. You’re my muse. I can’t have one without the other. I love you. Please stay with me.”

  “What if I don’t love you?” The question came out in broke gasps between restrained sobs. What I felt for Nicholas couldn’t be love. The emotion was too consuming and fierce. I loved Tyler but Nicholas? This couldn’t be love. “What if I don’t want to stay?”

  “Then you’ll break me and I’ll only be a memory.” He said it so simply I believed it.

  I wrapped my arms around his waist burying my head into his shoulder. He was strong. He wasn’t afraid to hold me when I cried. Something no one had done since Tyler.

  “I’m sorry, Bianca.” He held tight and rested his head against the top of mine. “I know I’ve fucked up. I know I’ve done some things that are probably going to be really hard to forget. I… It’s hard to admit but in the beginning, I was scared of you. When I realized what was happening, when I knew that you would rip out my heart when the tour was over… I was scared that there was never any way you’d ever love even a tiny part of me.”

  “I don’t know that I love you.” My voice choked. “I didn’t lie when I said I missed your friendship. But love? Nicholas, love is something that takes time. The flash bang variety isn’t lasting.”

  “What else do you miss besides the friendship?” His mouth pressed to my head. “Tell me.”

  The time it took to inhale and exhale a calming breath was used to put the answer to his question in order. “When Ezra gave me the office space I stocked a drawer full of candy bars before I knew why I did it. I miss your sugar habit.”

  “I’ll come get one tomorrow.” His arms tightened around me but I didn’t feel threatened by him. I never fe
lt threatened by Nicholas. “What else?”

  Another deep inhale was filled with his cologne. “I miss your scent. I know it’s you nearby when I’m in the halls at work and I have to rush through the cloud of it to keep from crying.”

  “You never wear perfume. Your soap and deodorant have its own combination too. I know when you’re at work.”

  “I miss being held when I cry. You’re not scared to hold me when I break down.”

  “Everyone’s allowed to cry, Songbird.”

  “I miss the band and working with you guys.”

  “That’s not about me, but I’ll count that.”

  “Generous of you.” Sarcasm laced my voice.

  He didn’t react to the snip. “Songbird, why do you think you miss all those things?”

  “Because we’re friends or we were.”

  “We still are friends and it’s more than that. Why can’t you say it? What’s holding you back?”

  “You deserve more than me.” How many different ways could I say the same thing before he understood it? There was no way I could have ever done anything in my life to be worthy of Nicholas as a reward.

  “Everyone deserves happiness. Did I make you happy?”

  Did he? He annoyed the ever loving shit out of me on most days but I couldn’t deny that yes, I had been happy on tour with him. Since I couldn’t deny it, I said nothing.

  “Songbird.” His tone held a little impatience and trembled just enough to signify fear too.

  I lifted my head and pulled back just enough that he had to move so we were face to face again. “Can we just be friends?”

  He shook his head. “I can’t be just friends. We are more than just friends. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

  “Nicholas—”

  “I love you. I want you to stay because you want to stay. But, I’m selfish.” Nicholas dropped off my lap and back to his knees. He pulled something from his pocket and held it up for me to see.

  Two birds, one rose gold, and the other silver swooped around a very large diamond. The two metals twisted together to form a solid band.

  “Holy shit. Is that what I think it is?”

  “I told you I was selfish. Will you stay? Will you move into the house? Will you take my name and let me love you for the rest of this life and all that follows? I swear to you, Songbird, if you give me this one thing, you’ll never doubt that I love you. I have AC.”

  I swallowed hard and stared at the beautiful ring. “How long have you been carrying this around?”

  He shrugged. “Since we got back. I have to give you back the ring I took from your stuff. I called the jeweler when we were in Denver and took him your ring to use for sizing when we got home. When I came and saw you I intended to give it to you then for you to think about it but you weren’t ready. I hope after some time without me you could be ready for me.”

  My breath choked and I forced it out. For over a month he’d been carrying around an engagement ring. He’d been carrying a promise when I had told him he’d never love me. He still carried it after I walked away.

  He carried an engagement ring. He was serious. Nicholas Walker was serious about being in love with the fractured being that was me. How about that.

  “Songbird, I love you. Please, even if you say no, I can wait. Well, I will pursue, but give us another chance.”

  I closed my eyes and just absorbed his words. I love you. There was nothing in me that doubted he meant it. Did I love him? Could I love him?

  I swiped at the fresh tears on my cheeks as my heart clutched and swelled. “Could you repeat the question?”

  He tilted his head and considered me for a long enough time that I thought he would put the ring away. “I love you. Will you marry me?”

  “Yes.” I pushed forward and wrapped my arms around him kissing him breathless. “I love you, Nicholas Walker.”

  One would think by the end of writing the eighth book I would know how to write an acknowledgement by now. Sadly this is not the case. I still sit and stare at a blnking curser for some time before ever typing a word. The fear of forgetting someone is real, people.

  Thank you readers for traveling this road with me. I know genre hopping isn’t common but I enjoy the new challenges and I hope you’ve enjoyed the new work. Thank you for being here.

  Donna, I love you. I want to say that first and then pretend I typed out a lecture of all the sighs and cringes. However, your laughter made not quitting worth it. Thanks for keeping me going.

  Let’s not forget the fabulous Queen Empress of the Editingverse, Anna. Because of the two of us, only she knows how to use a comma. LOL.

  My Southern Family I love you for being you and you know who you are. Thanks for pulling my head out my ass on occasion. I needed it.

  Thanks to the family I live with for not killing me when I didn’t hear them but the characters in my head.

  Mom, thanks for making sure I ate.

  I hope I didn’t forget anyone but if I did thank you for being who you are and I really appreciate you too. (Even if I didn’t single you out.)

  Once upon a time, long, long ago, Victoria was born in sunny Florida, except it wasn’t sunny; it was the middle of the night. Midnight actually, well, two minutes past, but she tried really hard for midnight.

  Victoria has been to twenty one schools in her lifetime. With all the continual switching around, she’s relied on her imagination for friends and books for close companions. In high school she remained apart from the whole and spent most of her time in the library either reading or writing.

  Currently, Victoria has set down roots in New York with her family. She still reads and writes every day. She finished her debut novel Of Gaea in the spring of 2013, its sequel Of Sparta in the Winter of 2014 and has many other projects planned. Look forward to seeing more.

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