by S. Moose
“I promised her.”
“B-but you promised me too. Don’t you remember everything you told me? Stay with me, please. Don’t you realize how much I love you? If you walk away from me, we’re back to square one. Love shouldn’t have to feel this way. Love shouldn’t hurt like this.” Nicholas sighs and brings me in his arms again. Silence fills the room and I don’t know what he’s thinking. Is he thinking about staying with me a little longer?
“Stay with me.”
When he doesn’t answer, I walk away and leave my bedroom without him. This isn’t right, but it feels right. Being here with Nicholas again, I know I’ll never be the same. No man can replace him in my life, so I’ll wait. I’ll wait until Nicholas is mine again. Despite everything I’m feeling, I can’t forget about our night together.
He wraps his arms around my waist before leaving. The second I feel his touch, I grab his arms and refuse to let go. I wish I could turn back time and never walked out of the bedroom. I wish I fought hard for him. There’s a deep ache in my heart and soul when it comes to Nicholas Hayes. I can’t tell him how I feel. I can’t make him choose. He’s already with Jamie and I’m the other woman. I’m killing myself over my feelings. Nothing makes sense. I go through the motions of life and can’t seem to find my focus again. Life is dull.
“I love you and I’m sorry. I hope one day soon I can tell you everything.”
“Me too,” I whisper. Where’s the strength I need to get through this? The insecurities that come with Nicholas eat away at me. Looking into his brown eyes, I still see my future, my happily ever after. I’m not sure if it’ll ever happen, but I can pray. I keep my eyes away from his. One look and I’ll break down. I need to be strong, even if it’s just pretend.
“Give it time.” I nod, not wanting to talk. He can’t hear the pain in my voice. “I love you, Angel.”
“Always.” The word comes out from my lips as he lets go and walks out the door. Crumbling to the ground, I muffle my cries with my hands and close my eyes, doing everything I can to ignore the pain. How can we do this? I’m so in love with him and know it’s wrong. Sobs escape from my body and soon, I’m in the arms of my two best friends.
Larry carries me to the couch and Lexi sits down next to me, holding me tight. My eyes are closed and the air in my lungs leaves my body. I’m an empty shell, holding on to the hope that the man I love will come back to me. I need him to be mine, just mine. Will that ever be possible?
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. He came over and it felt right. Oh God,” I wail, crying out loud. “What am I supposed to do?”
Lexi rubs my hands. “I don’t know what to tell you, babe. But you can’t be with Jensen and do this. And you can’t keep hurting yourself. I know you love my brother, but everyone’s gonna be broken at the end. Think about yourself.”
“I feel so helpless when it comes to him. I thought moving on would help, but it’s making him crazy. He w-wants me again. He p-promised me.” I couldn’t talk anymore.
“Look at me, babe, okay? Love brought you back here. I know you and Nicholas love each other, but think realistically. I love you both and I hate that you’re both going through this pain. I hope Jamie’s up to no good. I’m rooting for you both, but sometimes, you need to let love go to know if it’s true. So live your life and be happy. You have us and we’re never leaving your side, okay?” I nod, taking in my best friend’s words. She’s right. I need to live my life, but right now, all I can do is wallow in my pain and heartbreak.
It’s only seven in the morning when I wake up. Lexi is still asleep next to me and Larry’s on the other sofa. I try to keep my eyes open, but it’s a losing battle. I go back to sleep and try to find peace.
“Nicholas put me down!” I scream as he places me in his arms, spinning us around. “Ahhhhhh!”
We fall on the sand on the beach and his lips meet mine. I love his kisses and what they do to my body. Our legs tangle in each other’s as he pulls me on top of him.
“I love you, baby. Do you know that?”
I tap the side of my head and scrunch my face. Leaning down and kissing his forehead, I laugh and place my head on his chest. “I love you too, Nicholas.”
“Nicholas! Nicholas! Nicholas!” I scream, gripping the blankets and thrashing around. “Nicholas, please come back to me,” I sob, grabbing the pillow and bringing it to my body. “Please come back!”
Arms scoop me up, whispering that everything is going to be okay. I throw my arms around their neck and sob on their shoulder. These arms aren’t the ones I want.
“Shhhh, it’s all right, baby girl. I got you.”
“I miss him so much, Larry. I can’t do this anymore. I want him back.” Tears freely flow from my eyes. “I’m sorry. I need to be alone.” Running out of the living room and up the stairs to my room, I throw myself on my bed and bring the blanket to my face. Taking in a deep breath, I smell him. My Nicholas. I pull out my phone and listen to songs that remind me of Nicholas. Each song breaks me and makes me cry. Songs about love and forever and the promise of tomorrow. I listen to each song and remember all the times we shared. All the smiles, the laughs, and the love. I miss waking up in his arms and hearing him whisper how much he loves me. I miss everything.
Clenching the blanket, I close my eyes and see his intense brown eyes; the eyes that made me weak and made me fall in love.
Damn you, Nicholas. You fucking ruined everything. You ruined us and our future. The emotional toll of losing Nicholas is driving me crazy. Every second, I’m wondering about him, hoping he’s happy. I think about Emma. My poor Emma.
The urge to use the bathroom hits me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see me. I see a ghost; someone living in the past and wishing for a happily ever after. My tearstained cheeks are red and swollen. The deep, dark circles under my eyes make me look away. I crumple to the floor. The pain – physical, mental, and emotional – eats away at my soul. There’s no moving on from Nicholas.
Lexi bursts through the door, causing me to get up quickly. “Lex?”
“Emma’s in the hospital,” she spits out through sobs.
Emma.
SITTING DOWN ON THE HOSPITAL BED AND STROKING MY PRINCESS’ FACE KILLS ME. Her eyes are red and she looks pale.
“Hi, Princess. Daddy’s here, okay?” I try to keep my voice calm. I don’t want her hearing how scared I am.
“Daddy, it hurts,” she cries. “Please make the pain go away, Daddy.” It breaks me again when I hear her. Her little voice is full of pain.
“Mommy! Mommy!” Karly and Jamie rush over, but both stop before reaching Emma. It’s been an uncomfortable few hours. Neither of them talking and staying on the other sides of the room.
“She’s gonna need a cast, Nicholas,” Lexi chimes in, breaking the tension.
“Shhhh, Princess. It’ll be okay. We’ll all be here for you.”
Each time I close my eyes, I hear her screaming for me. Waking up and rushing to her, finding her on the ground, her body unnaturally twisted. Jamie emerged from her bedroom and I yelled for her to call 911. I didn’t touch Emma, afraid to move her. Instead, I touched her face and told her I wasn’t leaving. I felt her pain and prayed to God to make it stop hurting. I needed her to be okay.
Is this a sign that I need to be home and focus on my family?
The doctor comes in and takes her away for x-rays. I’m right by her side, holding her hand with Jamie close behind. Emma keeps her eyes on me as I talk, telling her how much I love her. Jamie’s quiet, but stays close.
When she calmed down, I asked her what happened, but she doesn’t remember. My daughter isn’t clumsy and she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night, wandering the house. Something happened and it eats away at me. It’s an unbearable feeling. Nothing could’ve harmed her in the house. Maybe she woke up and lost her balance on the stairs.
While she’s getting x-rays done, I look over to Jamie. “How could this happen? Emma usually sleeps through the night.”
&n
bsp; “Maybe if you were home and not with Karly, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Stop it, Jamie.”
She walks over to me, glaring into my eyes. “No, you stop this crap, Nicky. You’re married to me. You promised me you wouldn’t hurt me and you’d focus on just me. Let her go. She doesn’t deserve you. We’re a family now; don’t you get that?”
“I get it, all right!” Moving away from her, I rest my head on the wall, waiting for Emma to come out. I tell myself to stay calm. I don’t want to lose it at the hospital in front of everyone. She’s pushing me, giving me grief and guilt about not coming home. “I am trying to give you what you need, but you know I love Karly. Why can’t you understand that?”
Karly. I think about her and what I’m doing. I hope she knows how sorry I am and I hate that this is happening between us. We’ll get past this and find our way again. Right now, our love needs to be on pause and when we can, I’ll press play and it’ll be back to how it should be.
“I understand you took vows and told me that you’ll take care of me. I’m getting worse. Can’t you see that?” I don’t respond. “It’s hard for me to sleep and to keep anything down. I have cancer, Nicky. I’m dying. Just give me all of you until I die. Can’t you do that?”
“I’ll try.”
When we get back to the room, Jensen’s over in the corner with Karly, holding her in his arms. We were gone for fucking twenty minutes.
“How’s she doing?”
I look at him questioningly, wondering why his interest in my daughter. “She’ll be okay. Just a soft cast, nothing too bad.”
“Oh thank God.”
Everyone’s around Emma, talking to her and distracting her from the pain. I pull Lexi out in the hall and look at her.
“Can you tell me why Jensen’s here?”
“I was just gonna ask you the same question. Karly didn’t tell him and neither did we.”
How the hell did Cocksucker know to come to the hospital? “So he just fucking magically appeared?” Ever since Jensen came in our lives, there’s been something going on and I can’t seem to figure it out. Shaking my head, Lexi and I walk back in and suddenly stop. He’s next to Jamie; both of their bodies look tense.
“Jamie? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just fine.” She smiles. I look at both of them before looking at Karly. Something’s going on and I’m going to find out before I fucking lose my mind.
Soon, after everything is done, we’re leaving the hospital. I have Emma in my arms and Karly is on one side while Jamie’s on the other. I hate this. I hate that the two of them are near each other. I’m not sure what to do or what to say.
“Jamie, can you give me a few minutes, please?”
“Nicky, we have to get home. You can do this another time. Let’s go.”
“Jamie, I need a few minutes.”
“Our daughter’s hurt and we need to go home. You can talk to your other woman later. Let’s go now.”
I slowly put Emma in the car and guide Jamie into the front seat. “Sit there and I’ll be back. You are in no position to tell me what to do.” Closing the door before she can say anything, I take Karly’s arm and walk away from the car.
“Angel, thank you for coming. I know that it’s hard and I’m sorry.”
“I’ll do anything for Emma; you know that.” She looks over at the car before turning back to me. “So she knows, huh?” I nod. “We can’t do this, Nicholas.”
Time stands still and it’s us in the world. She’s in my arms where she belongs. There aren’t any issues or drama. Jamie never came back and Karly’s wearing my ring.
“I love you, Angel. So much. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment with you. I’m sorry for everything. I wish I could explain everything to you and soon I will be able to. Please be strong and keep me in your heart.”
“Nicholas,” she cries. “Stop, please. I’m so broken and I miss you so much. You can’t do this. I won’t be the other woman. You’re married. I watched you take your vows with Jamie. I watched you promise her forever.” I use my thumbs to wipe the tears from her face. She leans into my hand and I can’t help but kiss her again. This time, it’s slow and gentle.
“I’ll explain everything soon. Please just don’t give up.”
“When you love someone as much as I love you, Nicholas ...” She pauses and looks up at the sky. “... the type of love so fierce and strong, well, sometimes letting go is the hardest, but the best thing to do.” Her body tenses and she continues to look away from me. “I can’t do this. Jamie is your wife. She’ll love you and take care of you, since I can’t be with you. I’m always gonna love you, Nicholas.”
“You say you love me, yet it’s so easy for you to walk away.”
Fire burns in her eyes. “Are you serious? You told me you loved me and I was your forever, but you went and got married!” She slaps me across the face. I deserve it. I deserve her anger and hurt. “You sure as hell walked away first without looking back and you still stand there, telling me you love me?”
I grab her arm and her face meets mine. I hate that this is going on. “I just need to know...” I pause; our eyes are still on one another. “Why can’t you wait for me? For us? Don’t you stand there and think I don’t love you or miss you. I fucking think about you all the time. I know I fucked up and maybe one day you’ll understand. You never had faith in me or us. You waited until I fucked up before you walked away.”
“You chose Jamie, Nicholas! What was I supposed to do?”
“Think about it, Karly. We were doing so well and then, suddenly, I had to make a decision.”
She pounds on my chest, gripping my shirt. “Then let me in. Stop shutting me out,” she cries.
“I can’t.” I run my hands over her smooth, soft arms.
“Then I can’t either. This game we’re playing needs to end.” It can’t end. I won’t let it, but I can’t tell her anything, not right now. “I have to walk away and protect my heart from you. There’s a yellow caution tape around me, telling you to stay away. I can’t go on like this.” She rubs her face, holding back her tears. “I have Jensen.” Her voice is low; I am barely able to hear her words. With one last look, she turns away and leaves. And, for the second time, I watch her run away from me. There’s nothing I can do until she knows the truth.
WAKING UP IN A DAZE, I RUN TO THE BATHROOM AND KNEEL IN FRONT OF THE TOILET. What the hell is wrong with me?
My throat feels scratchy and sore. All I can smell is vomit and smell lasagna from last night. I feel my stomach turning left, right, up and down. Gripping the toilet, I throw up again. When I open my eyes and see my vomit I start throwing up again until there’s nothing left.
After a few minutes, I slowly get up and make my way over to the sink. Running cold water over my face, I rinse my mouth with minty mouthwash and look in the mirror.
“Good lord, Erikson. You look like hell!”
Climbing back in bed, I pull the blanket over me and force myself to sleep. As soon as my eyes close, I see Nicholas. My Nicholas. Since leaving him in the hospital parking lot, we’ve been talking a little more. It’s weird and I hate doing this behind Jensen’s back, but Nicholas says we’re not hurting anyone. We’re friends. And friends talk. Sitting up on my bed, I rest my chin on my knees and close my eyes.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I repeat this mantra to myself. I’m so tired of crying. There’s nothing that can be done to make things normal again. We’ve both moved on and things are good. We’re both in a good place, I think.
My bedroom door opens and Jensen walks in. He’s wearing workout shorts and a tight black tee. The smile on his face is addicting and I can’t help to smile back, letting him know I’m happy to see him.
“Hey, babe. You okay?” He walks over to me, placing his hand on my forehead. I lean into his touch and let out a breath. “You feel kinda warm. Lie down and I’ll bring you some broth and dry toast.”
“Always the doctor.”
He smirks, kissing my forehead. “Hate seeing you feel bad, babe. I’ll be back.”
Just having him here makes me feel a little better. I still feel like shit for what I’m doing to him. “Argh, this sucks,” I moan.
“What sucks?”
Lexi comes in and plops down next to me, lying on her side, facing me. “Your brother is driving me crazy.”
“It happens.” She looks away, her lips in a hard line.
“Lexi?”
“Hmm?”
“What’s up?”
A soft grunt comes from her as she tries to get up. I place my hands on her back and help her sit up right. She turns and looks at me. “I think Jamie’s up to something. I saw her shopping and, girl, she had bags of stuff. I don’t know what she’s up to.”
“They’re married, Lexi. He’s making her happy, I guess.”
Shaking her head, she looks at me again. “No. I know something’s wrong. Even Mom thinks so too. Jamie’s acting weird. She’ll drop Emma off with my parents because she’s sick with a stomachache or can’t stop throwing up. I swear that woman is a walking germ! She’s constantly sick! And when Mom tries to reach her at the house, no one answers. One day, Mom and Dad went to the house and she wasn’t home. Something’s not adding up. Why is she lying about being sick?”
What’s Jamie up to? I feel the need to get my phone and ask Nicholas, but I can’t. It’s none of my business. Emma’s in good hands and Jamie’s…well, Jamie’s her own special person. If I start asking questions I’m going to look crazy and be labeled as the obsessive ex. I don’t want to seem like a paranoid ex or anything. It’s not my business. I can’t interfere with his life or his business. What Nicholas and Jamie are doing is their life, not mine. I won’t do it.
“Have you talked to Nicholas?” She shakes her head, “Hold on and lemme ask him.”
So much for minding my own business.
Me: Is everything okay with Jamie? Emma says she doesn’t spend a lot of time with her. Is there anything Lexi and I can do?