All That I Am: A Victorian Historical Romance (The Hesitant Husbands Series Book 1)

by Grace Hartwell

  Elizabeth shook her head. Her father had been a most elegant dancer, but when it came to the every day, he’d been a clumsy oaf. If he hadn't knocked a blasted shovel over on his way out, he would still be here, and she wouldn't have lived a lifetime of hell. It seemed like such a tiny moment, yet it had defined the rest of her life.

  “Garrett was sweet on one of your father's workers, a young lady named Sarah, whom your father liked very much. Sarah and Garrett had a rocky relationship according to everyone who knew them. Garrett was known for his violent temper, and they often had great rows.

  “After witnessing the extent of Garrett’s temper, your father was worried for Sarah’s safety, and went to her the next day to tell her what he'd seen. He gave her money and begged her to leave Garrett while she had the chance. His big heart is what sealed his fate.” She paused a moment, risking a glance at Gavin, who sat with his lips pressed in a thin line, his jaw clenched. She took a deep breath and continued.

  "This next bit was told to me by Garrett himself. Apparently, when he arrived home that evening, Sarah confronted him and insisted he turn himself in. He obviously disagreed, and a terrible fight ensued. Frightened, Sarah told him she was leaving him and fled the house. Unfortunately, it was already dark, and Sarah was not an experienced horsewoman. She tried to jump a downed tree, but failed, and the horse threw her. Both she and her unborn child were killed.”

  Elizabeth gasped. “Oh, Gavin…” She turned to him, realizing he had lost not only a brother, but a niece or nephew as well.

  Gavin made no response other than blinking, a muscle in his jaw twitching, so Kate continued. “Garrett absolutely lost his mind. He gathered up some of his cohorts and they broke into our house later that night.”

  Elizabeth reached out her hand and squeezed her mother’s. “Tell me what happened before you came upstairs.”

  Kate drew an unsteady breath. “They came from all directions. I don't know how many there were. They grabbed your father and me, and demanded to know where your room was. When I refused to tell them, they dragged me upstairs and took your father out the door. I nearly collapsed from relief when I saw you weren't there.”

  “I woke up when you screamed. I hid in the tunnel…until they set the fire.” Elizabeth paused. “Mama, what happened to the servants?”

  “Being Sunday, many of them were off for the day, thankfully. But as for the rest, honestly, I don't know. There was so much going on…it was chaos. Some of them tried to come to our rescue, only to be beaten back. I fear some of them must have died in the fire, but I don't know for sure. I've always told myself they all got out safely.”

  Elizabeth nodded. It would be what Elizabeth chose to believe as well. “What happened after he took you?”

  Kate hesitated, rearranging her skirt. “Well, ah…Garrett kept at us for days, demanding to know where you were. He…was brutal. To both of us. I…I don't know what made him snap in the end, but he decided he wasn’t simply going to kill your father, he wanted to torture him, to make him suffer as he had. I really think the man wasn’t right in the head. He couldn’t have been, to have to lived as he did…to do what he did.” She looked apologetically at her husband and stepson. George nodded to her. Gavin was about to hear the part of the story he had never heard before.

  “What did he do, mama?” Elizabeth whispered in horror.

  Kate squeezed her eyes shut and the words came out in a rush. “He violated me while your father was forced to watch. Garrett told him that he was taking his wife, as your father had taken his own love. And then Garrett shot him.”

  Gavin bolted off of the divan with an indecipherable expletive, raking his hands through his hair as he stumbled to the fireplace. He grasped the mantel like a lifeline, collapsing over it with a shattered moan, sucking in great gulps of air. George joined him, draping his arm around his son while Gavin absorbed the shock.

  Aidan was still as a statue, but Elizabeth couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She wept for her mother, humiliated and beaten; she wept for her father, whose good intentions had cost him everything. She even wept for Sarah and her unborn child. Sarah, who had done nothing but chosen to love the wrong man. It took some time, but eventually Gavin returned to his seat having regained most of his composure, and Elizabeth was able to stem the flow of tears.

  “I'm so sorry, mama,” Elizabeth said softly, hugging her. “However did you land here?”

  “Gavin found me.” She smiled wryly. “Imagine my surprise when I saw them both in that field, standing together. I thought I was hallucinating.”

  “Your mother had been beaten within an inch of her life,” Gavin interjected. “Kate, had I known…”

  “Don’t, dearest. You didn’t need to know. I only told you now because my daughter deserves to know what happened. I’m so sorry to hurt you like this.”

  Gavin nodded, swallowing hard. He took a steadying breath before turning to Elizabeth. “I’d been tracking Garrett for a few months, determined to bring him to justice. He was reportedly responsible for the murder of my good friend, and I still blamed him for my mother's death. When I finally found Garrett, your mother was with him, clinging to life, but your father was already gone. As Kate said earlier, my brother had no intention of being turned in, and he fought hard, shooting me in an effort to flee. But eventually, my men sent his men fleeing, and he was captured and turned over to the authorities. Both your mother and I were brought here, and my father nursed her back to health.”

  “The rest, as they say, is history,” George said. “Your mother had me wrapped around her finger in no time at all.”

  “I see it runs in the family,” Aidan said dryly.

  “I still can't believe she found her way to you,” Kate said, shaking her head. It was nearly inconceivable that Elizabeth had stumbled upon one of the few people who could reunite her with her mother, but yet, miraculously, here she was. “Sweetheart, what happened to you? Where have you been all these years?”

  Elizabeth looked at Aidan. There were certain aspects of her past that she wanted to remain buried—there was no reason for her mother to know the extent of the horrors Elizabeth had suffered. The expression on his face told her that he would not utter a word to anyone else, least of all her mother.

  So, Elizabeth began her story with how she'd escaped that night, how she'd arrived in London hoping against hope that her parents had escaped as well and would turn up there, and how she'd supported herself and changed her name, leaving out the part about being forced into prostitution and the murder of the man who was supposed to take care of her. She told her mother that she ran away because he became abusive, told her of her life in Kent, and how she had returned to London to find out at last what had become of her parents. She spoke of how Aidan had rescued her on the street, and diligently cared for her these past months, despite the secrets that she kept from him. She told her how she had thought Gavin was the man who'd killed her family (here, she sent Gavin an apologetic glance), and the bone-chilling moment at the ball when she'd come face to face with Garrett, thinking he was Gavin. She spoke for nearly an hour, her mother holding her hand the entire time, their tea grown cold in its cups. When she was finished, her mother looked at her for a long moment, her eyes bright with tears. The silence stretched between them as Kate processed everything Elizabeth had told her. Kate gave her hand a tight squeeze.

  “You are so strong, and brave, and beautiful,” she choked out. “And so very much like your father,” she whispered.

  Elizabeth whimpered, and her mother patted her hand, rising. She moved to the back window and stared out unseeingly at the garden beyond. Elizabeth exchanged glances with the others, not sure of what to do.

  It was Aidan who rose and went to her. “Mrs. Mayfield, I—”

  Without taking her eyes from the window, she reached out her hand and grabbed him by the lapel. “My dear boy,” she managed, her voice thick with tears. Her grip tightened, her knuckles turning white as she shook him a little. “Thank
you.” Her whole body tensed. “Thank you, thank you, thank—” The last word caught on a sob, and every bit of fear, every bit of worry, and every bit of sadness she'd felt over the past eight years, absolutely everything she had ever kept at bay to maintain her own sanity, bubbled to the surface. She visibly shook with the effort of keeping it in, but Aidan drew her into his arms.

  “You're welcome.”

  She gave in then, and her body convulsed with sobs. The anguish that came howling out of her was chilling.

  Elizabeth put her hand to her mouth, and Gavin moved to sit beside her. He slid his arm protectively around her. “She'll be just fine, Elizabeth. She's kept it all inside for eight years…she needs this.”

  Elizabeth only nodded, then laid her head on his shoulder. She knew all too well what it was like to need to cry until there were no tears left.

  Chapter 33

  It was some hours later before everyone had settled down. Elizabeth had sat in shock at the dinner table while Aidan prompted her to eat. She could scarcely believe this was all real. Her mother was alive, and after all those years of searching, she was sitting across from her daughter at the dinner table as if it were an everyday occurrence. It was all too much to comprehend.

  Aidan had finally shooed Elizabeth off to bed, knowing that she was exhausted even if she didn't. He was worn out emotionally himself. The reunion he had witnessed had been overwhelming, and the very real danger of Garrett's arrival into their lives still had him on edge. He was a threat to all of them.

  He was in the drawing room, staring into the fire and swirling a glass of Madeira, when Kate caught up with him.

  “Aidan?”

  He turned at the soft question, taking in the slightly dazed expression on Kate's face. He understood. He couldn't quite believe it, either. “I thought you'd gone to bed,” he said, rising.

  “I wanted to talk to you first. May I?” she asked, indicating the chair next to the one Aidan had just been sitting in. He waited until she was seated, and then joined her.

  “My dear boy.” She stopped, attempting to voice what was in her heart. “You have been a godsend to this family from the very start, and today is no exception. You have always taken my best interests to heart, even when I was but a stranger to you. You did your best to help, as you always do. And now I find that you have cared for my daughter and kept her safe these past months until we could be reunited. No, let me finish,” she said, holding up a hand when Aidan began to protest. “I know what you are about to say, and you are wrong. You went above and beyond your duty in the care of my daughter, and for that you have my deepest gratitude. I am only sorry she so stubbornly hid her identity from you. Otherwise, we may have found each other sooner. Even so, I thought this was a day that would never come.” Tears sprang to her eyes, and Aidan sat quietly, waiting for her to continue.

  “Eight years. Eight years I wondered and hoped and prayed, but never did I truly believe I would ever see her again. How can I even begin to thank you for bringing my daughter back to me?” She swiped at the tears that had begun to fall, and Aidan reached into his pocket and handed her a handkerchief.

  “No thanks are necessary, Mrs. Mayfield. Yours and Elizabeth's happiness are all that I require.”

  Kate sniffed and gave him a watery smile. “How very like you to say that.” She paused and dabbed her eyes. “I have been saved more times in my life than I think is fair for one person, my dear. First, by Leighton's father, who married me and saved me from starvation when the famine struck Ireland, then by Gavin when he came charging into that field and rescued me from his brother, and then once more by George, who saved me from death itself. And now, you. You have saved me from a lifetime of pain, and of wondering what happened to my little girl. I do not know what I have done to deserve such men in my life, but I am eternally grateful for each one of them.”

  Aidan squeezed her hand. “I think you have done nothing but prove your worthiness by showing strength and perseverance through all you have suffered. Perhaps now you will know nothing but a lifetime of peace.”

  “Indeed I shall, thanks to you.” She released his hand and dug into the hidden pocket in her skirt. “I have something I wanted to give you,” she said, withdrawing a small, gold frame and handing it to him.

  “What is this?” he asked, taking it from her. He glanced down at the portrait and a little girl with dark curls and stunning eyes stared back at him. A slow smile spread across his face.

  “It's Leighton when she was three. I snatched it off the table just before Garrett dragged me out the door. I don't know why he let me keep it, but he did. It's all I've had of her all these years.”

  “I cannot possibly accept this.”

  “Why not? You've brought me the real thing. I thought she might enjoy having a bit of her past.”

  “Then why not give it to her?”

  Kate smiled, her eyes dancing. “I'd rather hoped the two of you could share it.”

  “Ah.” Aidan chuckled, grasping her meaning. “In that case, I think you should know I've asked her to marry me. With your permission, of course.”

  Kate clasped her hands together, joy washing over her features. “Oh, Aidan, nothing would make me happier. You know I've come to think of you as a son. There is no one I would rather see her wed than you.” She smiled tenderly at him. “You love her very much, don't you?”

  Aidan took a sip of his Madeira and then looked her straight in the eye. “More than I ever knew was possible.”

  Kate positively beamed. “When will you be married?”

  “Ah…she hasn't exactly accepted yet. She's still thinking about it.”

  “Thinking? What on earth is there to think about?”

  “It's complicated.” Aidan hesitated. “She's had a tough life these past years.”

  Kate regarded him a moment, pain glinting in her eyes. “She didn't leave that man though he tortured her, did she?”

  Aidan studied her, debating about how much to tell her without revealing the information he had silently promised Elizabeth he never would. But he also knew that a mother's instincts were very strong when it came to her children, and he saw no point in denying what she already knew. “No,” he said quietly. “She did not.”

  Kate sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, and a silence fell between them. “Thank you for being honest,” she finally said. “I gather there are things she must overcome before she gives herself over to another man.”

  Aidan nodded. “A few still remain.”

  “I see.” Kate stood, and Aidan followed suit. She took both his hands in hers and looked him square in the eye. “Does she love you?”

  Aidan hesitated. “Dear God, I hope so.”

  Kate smiled and patted his cheek. “She does. Have faith, my dear. She'll come around. There is nothing on earth so powerful as love. It can overcome just about anything.”

  “I'm beginning to see that,” Aidan said, a faint smile touching his lips. His father would be so proud to hear him say that.

  Kate grinned. “Welcome to the family.”

  Aidan laughed as she drew him into a tight hug. She clung to him for a moment, the emotion of the day taking hold of her once again. “Incidentally,” she whispered in his ear, “I love you, too.”

  Aidan closed his eyes briefly, not trusting himself to speak. Kate disentangled herself from his arms and looked up at him with suspiciously bright eyes, then she rested her hand on his cheek and gave him a small smile before turning away.

  Aidan stared after her for a few moments before sinking back down into the velvet chair. He unconsciously began to twirl his glass of Madeira once again as he gazed into the fire.

  Garrett was out there. That, he knew. It was just a matter of when he would strike. Aidan knew he had made the right decision in coming here, but would the colonel's friends be enough to protect both Elizabeth and her mother? And would this be the time Garrett decided to attack his own family as well? He had shot Gavin once. Aidan knew he would do it ag
ain, and he'd kill Gavin this time if he were given the chance.

  Aidan got to his feet and tossed back the rest of his wine. He wasn't going to let that happen. He would not let his family be torn apart again.

  Even if he had to sacrifice everything to protect them.

  Chapter 34

  Elizabeth's heart was pounding as she stood outside Aidan's door. Her hand was frozen in place, just about to knock, but then she had thought better of it. If she never knocked, he would never know she had been there. She knew he was awake. The firelight flickered under the door and she could hear him moving about. It wasn't too late to turn around and go back to her room.

  But she knocked. It was a huge thing she was about to do, but it was the only solution she could see.

  “Come in.”

  Somehow she'd hoped he hadn't heard her. She closed her eyes and took a tremulous breath, but she couldn't force herself to grasp the doorknob. She had turned to stone in the dark hallway. She was contemplating running, but suddenly the door flew open and he was there, staring down at her with surprise.

  “Elizabeth! Is something wrong?”

  He wasn't wearing a shirt. Heaven help her, he wasn't wearing a shirt. She had caught him getting undressed for bed. She stared, transfixed, at the wide expanse of muscled chest before her. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. She couldn't for the life of her remember why she was standing there.