All That I Am: A Victorian Historical Romance (The Hesitant Husbands Series Book 1)

by Grace Hartwell

  “Elizabeth?”

  She snapped her eyes up to find him gazing at her with concern. She managed to find her voice despite the fact that her mouth had turned to dust. “May I…may I come in?”

  Aidan lifted an eyebrow and hesitated for several heartbeats before stepping back and opening the door wider. Elizabeth slipped past him without so much as a glance.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” He hadn't moved.

  “Close the door,” she commanded.

  Aidan looked surprised, but did as he was told. “Elizabeth, is anything amiss?”

  “No. I…just needed to talk to you.” She fell silent. Aidan waited, but no more information seemed to be coming forth.

  “I'm listening,” he prompted. Elizabeth said nothing, but came forward and rested her palms against his chest. He drew in a sharp breath and the muscles under his skin jumped at her touch. She sighed and let her forehead fall against his chest. He gripped her by the shoulders. “Sweetheart, what is it?” He tried to get her to look at him, but her head remained stubbornly where it was. She was quiet for a few moments more, then,

  “Thank you.”

  He did pull her away from him then. “I beg your pardon?”

  “Thank you,” she repeated. “I can't begin to find words to express the gratitude that's in my heart for all you have done for me.”

  “I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about this anymore.”

  “My mother, Aidan. You brought me to my mother. I've spent the last eight years believing she was dead. And just like magic, you conjured her up for me. How did you know?”

  “I wasn't certain,” he admitted. “That's why I didn't want to tell you the real reason we were coming here. I would never have forgiven myself if I had gotten your hopes up and it turned out not to be true. Honestly, we’d despaired of ever finding you and had just about given up the search. But after the ball, when you mentioned Garrett's name, and the circumstances of your family's demise, I put two and two together. I only recognized the pendant in that instant.”

  “So you truly didn't know until last night?”

  “No. Why?”

  “Is that why you proposed? Because it turns out I come from a respectable family?”

  “No,” he said sternly. “I want to marry you because I love you. Who you are or who I thought you were doesn't make a bit of difference to me. Either way, there's simply no way I can let you walk out of my life.”

  “And you still want to marry me, even though I have told you of my, er, intimacy issues?”

  “I've never wanted anything more.”

  Elizabeth sighed and took a small step back.

  “I can't in good conscience marry you without knowing…that is, I’d like to…” she trailed off, embarrassment at what she was trying to say clogging her throat. She'd done it a hundred times, but never talked about it. But she didn't have to say anything more.

  “You want to have sex.”

  Elizabeth colored at his frankness, but nodded. “I have to know if I can do this, Aidan. I can't punish you for the rest of your life if I can't.”

  “Meaning you won't marry me.”

  “That's right.”

  “And if you can?”

  Elizabeth swallowed hard. This man could make her every dream come true, yet she was still hesitant, terrified that it would all turn out to be a cruel hoax. “Let's see how things progress tonight,” she said simply.

  Aidan regarded her for a moment, then reached out and gently pulled her into his arms and ran his hands reassuringly over her back, tucking her head under his chin.

  Elizabeth's skin tingled. Even from the very first time Aidan had touched her hand, she had always felt a tinge of excitement in spite of herself. She realized now that deep down, she had always felt safe with him, even if her stubborn mind wouldn't allow her to admit it. She sighed inwardly and resigned herself to begin the task at hand.

  One moment she was in his arms, and the next, she’d dropped to her knees in front of him. She tugged at the button on his trousers, and it took Aidan a second to realize what was happening. He swiftly moved to cover her hand with his.

  “Elizabeth, what are you doing?”

  She blinked up at him. “Pleasuring you.”

  “Ah…”

  “Is that wrong? I thought men liked being pleasured by a woman's mouth.”

  Oh, dear God. A strangled noise Aidan hadn’t known he could physically make sounded somewhere in his throat, and he hauled her to her feet. “Er…they do. I mean, I do. No! I mean, it’s…it’s just…there’s just so much more…Christ, Elizabeth,” he swore, raking a hand through his hair. He put his other hand on his hip and stepped away from her to catch his breath. The image of Elizabeth sucking on him was more than he could take at the moment.

  “We haven't even started and already I've displeased you,” Elizabeth said softly, looking down at the floor.

  “What? No,” Aidan quickly assured her. “I just…I want to make this right for you. This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, not some duty you need to perform. We don't even have to do this.”

  “Yes, we do. Don't you see, Aidan?”

  He sighed. “I see that you are one damn stubborn female.” He watched her knit her fingers together and untangle them again. Damn. He had to set this right. “Elizabeth, what has sex been like for you?”

  “I'm sorry?” She looked slightly alarmed and more than a little embarrassed.

  “Forgive me for being so indelicate. I just want to know what your experience has been so I can make it better for you. There's a lot a stake here.” He didn't mention the fact that once her mother found out he'd slept with her daughter, Elizabeth would be forced to marry him no matter what. She wasn't alone in her decision making anymore, but that thought hadn't seemed to occur to her. Aidan wasn't above taking advantage of that fact. “You can tell me, Elizabeth. You need to talk about this if you are ever going to get past it.”

  She stared at him for a moment before sinking onto the ottoman. Aidan moved behind her and gently began to undo her braid, his fingers occasionally brushing over her skin. When her hair was loose, he began pulling his fingers through it, playing with it until she seemed almost hypnotized by the motion. He swept it aside and gently kissed the nape of her neck, eliciting a gasp.

  “What was it like?” he murmured in her ear, nipping her lobe. This time he was rewarded by a small squeak.

  “Painful,” she replied, closing her eyes and leaning just a little into him.

  He stopped. “Painful? You mean, the first time.”

  “No, every time.”

  This bothered him. “Elizabeth, it's not supposed to be painful.” He sat on the ottoman behind her, settling her into the vee of his legs and wrapping his arms protectively around her. “What did Vincent do to you?” he asked, subtly untying the belt on her robe.

  She squirmed against him. He clenched his teeth at the thrilling sensation of her bottom rubbing innocently against his groin.

  “Well…most of the time he was drunk. The others that came to see me weren't, but they weren't any different, really. All were demanding and treated me like…well, like the whore that I was.” She stiffened in Aidan’s arms. “Vincent liked me to pleasure him with my mouth first, like I was about to do with you. That was how it always started.”

  When she paused, Aidan drew his hands up and down her arms in an effort to soothe her. It was also, he admitted, partly to contain his hands from wandering to the other parts of her he so desperately wanted to touch. He rested his chin in the crook of her neck. “Then what happened?”

  “Ah…when he'd had enough of that, he'd make me take off my clothes and get on my hands and knees and…ah, erhm… I'm sure you get the idea.” Her hands fluttered nervously, her discomfort on display.

  “And that was it?” he pressed. “What of your pleasure?”

  Elizabeth snorted. “Women aren't supposed to get pleasure from sex.”

  “Dea
r God, who told you that?”

  “Everyone knows that. Don't be ridiculous.”

  “Oh, Elizabeth,” he chuckled, standing up and taking her with him. He spun her around to face him. “You might as well be a virgin with all that you know.”

  Elizabeth moved away from him and crossed her arms. “I never received any complaints,” she snapped. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He stared at her, mouth agape, and thoroughly enjoyed the moment she realized what she’d said. They both burst out laughing.

  “I'm sure you haven't,” Aidan said gently, still chuckling. “But do you have any idea why the act of intercourse was painful for you?”

  Her cheeks flushed and she shrugged.

  “You weren't ready to receive him, Elizabeth. There are certain responses your body has to stimulation, but because you never received any, you weren’t…you know what? Never mind. I'll let you figure it out for yourself. You are sure you want to do this?”

  She nodded.

  “Fine then. But tonight is about pleasuring you, Elizabeth, not me.” He stalked toward her and slipped her robe from her shoulders. “I promise you, I won't hurt you,” he murmured, snaking his arm about her waist and bending to kiss her bared shoulder. “You may do whatever you like to me,” he said, trailing his lips up her neck. “You may do nothing at all.” He was nibbling her earlobe again. “Whatever the case may be, you will understand that women do, indeed, derive pleasure from sex. I will make sure of that.”

  Chapter 35

  Elizabeth was trembling so badly she could hardly stand. That statement, so full of promise, also filled her with a sense of dread. She wanted to marry him with all of her heart. Could she fake her way through this enough to fool him into believing she didn't despise it? He was not like the other men she had been with; he knew his way around women. She could tell that just by the way he was torturing her with his mouth.

  Already, this was like nothing she had ever known. She breathed in deeply, inhaling the intoxicating mix of sandalwood and maleness that she'd come to know so well. The very scent that could send her senses reeling. His hands were warm and reassuring as they moved across her back in a slow, thorough possession.

  He dragged his lips along her jawline, setting her ablaze everywhere they touched her. He moved down, dropping light kisses on the swell of her breast, then nudged the fabric aside so he could flick his tongue over her nipple. She gasped at the sensation, and instinctively put her hands on his shoulders, holding onto him. He placed his hands over hers and slid them down his chest and around his waist. He wanted her to hold him, she realized…because she'd never done it before.

  His arms went around her, pulling her toward him, and he claimed her mouth in a deep kiss. He sighed when she tightened her arms about him and she unconsciously molded her body to his. It was the most wonderful feeling.

  “I've wanted this for so long, my love,” he whispered against her mouth, his voice husky with desire. “Tell me what feels good. Tell me what scares you. Tell me what you want me to do,” he said, nibbling once again on her earlobe. “I want to show you what it's like to make love to someone, to feel real desire. I want you to want me as much as I want you.”

  Elizabeth couldn't answer. His hands were everywhere, scalding her skin wherever he touched. He massaged her breast and ran his thumb over her nipple while he traced the edge of her ear with his tongue, making her weak at the knees. She slung her arms about his neck in an act of self preservation.

  “I'm afraid to want you,” she whispered. “I've spent years trying to put this act out of my memory…what if…”

  “No more.” Aidan pulled back from her and stared at her intently. “This is not going to be like the other times. I promise I am not going to hurt you, and if you want me to stop, I will stop. I know this must be difficult for you, but you have to put your memories aside for the moment and allow some new ones to form. Have I yet done anything you haven't liked?”

  She had to admit that he hadn't. Something new stirred inside her every time he touched her. “I just don't want to lose you.”

  He took her face in his hands. “You are not going to lose me. Not over this. Not ever. Please don't be afraid. Put your trust in me.”

  She nodded, letting the comfort of his nearness soak into her. She gazed up into his eyes, those warm, soulful eyes that made her want to melt, and she saw reflected in them exactly what he had been telling her all along. He loved her. Without a doubt, this man loved her.

  And she would do whatever it took to make him happy. It was a small price to pay for love, something she never thought she would have. She curled her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and tugged him gently down toward her. Aidan complied without hesitation.

  He hauled her against him and kissed her as though she were a treat to be devoured, his tongue delving into her mouth, a hand thrust into her hair. The last of Elizabeth’s defenses crumbled, and in their place, a maelstrom of desire swept over her. She responded with equal passion, her hands traveling over him of their own accord.

  He whisked her off her feet and deposited her gently on the bed, sinking down beside her. He ran his hand slowly down her side and over her hip, caressing her thigh. He pulled up the fabric of her nightgown so he could touch her bare skin.

  Elizabeth lost herself in the ecstasy of his touch. Her skin was tingling, her body humming a tune she didn’t recognize as she kissed him with reckless abandon, which only seemed to fuel his passion more. He nibbled and licked and kissed all the sensitive spots she hadn't known she possessed, eliciting moans from her that she couldn't seem to keep inside.

  Aidan slid her nightgown up to her waist, then paused. “May I?”

  She hesitated only a moment before nodding, and he drew it over her head, leaving her completely naked under his potent gaze. She looked everywhere but at him. He smiled down at her.

  “Don't you dare be embarrassed, my sweet. You're the most delicious thing I've ever seen.”

  Elizabeth flushed at his compliment. He stood up, unbuttoning his trousers. “Let's make things even, shall we?”

  In seconds, he was every bit as naked as she was. She sucked in a breath. She had seen many naked men before, but never one quite so…exquisite. The firelight bathed him in a golden glow, accenting the hills and valleys of his well-formed chest. She tried not to look lower—honestly, she did—but she couldn’t resist taking a gander, and when she did, her mouth went dry. Even that was impressive.

  “Do you like what you see?” He grinned at her frank perusal and returned to the bed, stalking her on his hands and knees like a panther stalks its prey. Elizabeth nodded, unable to speak. The anticipation of his body on hers was both frightening and exciting, and the feel of his warm skin on hers did not disappoint. He dropped a kiss at the hollow of her throat, then rolled them both on their sides, propped his head up on his hand, and gazed down at her. His eyes were so dark they were almost black.

  “Touch me, Elizabeth,” he whispered. “I want to feel your hands on me.”

  She hesitated, then reached out a tentative hand and brushed her fingers over his chest. He closed his eyes on a sigh. Emboldened, she flattened her palm against his skin, marveling at how soft it was, like silk over steel. He caressed her hip, and she was fascinated by the play of muscles in his arms under her touch. The more she touched him, the more the humming in her own body increased. Her hand drifted down his side and over his hip, her breathing ticking up a pace. Finally, she wrapped her hands around his cock and squeezed, giving him an experimental stroke. His sharp intake of breath startled her, but Aidan flexed his fingers on her backside and groaned. She smiled to herself, feeling for the first time in her life as though she was the powerful one in bed.

  She liked that.

  Another few strokes and Aidan closed his hand over hers, stilling her movements. “Christ, Elizabeth,” he swore. “You'll do me in in no time at all if you keep touching me like that.”

  Elizabeth smiled, pleased to know she
had that effect on him. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply, returning her to her back. “Someday soon I would love to continue that,” he assured her, “but tonight is about you and your pleasure.” He trailed his hand down her thigh while he nuzzled her neck. “Open for me, my love,” he whispered, applying light pressure against the inside of her leg. She complied, and he palmed her silky skin. “God, you are so soft. I will never tire of touching you.” His hand moved in seductive circles as he made his way to the thatch of curls at the apex of her thighs. He brushed his fingers lightly over her most sensitive parts and she gasped. “May I?” he asked huskily.

  “Oh, yes,” she breathed. Her body was strung taught as a bow string, and when he dipped a finger briefly into her and withdrew to stroke her aching flesh, she thought she was going to explode. A strange pressure began to build inside her, starting low and slowly unfurling throughout her body. Her breath came faster and she began to tremble, Aidan’s slow strokes torturing her and pleasing her at the same time. Elizabeth was completely out of her senses. Her heart was pounding, she couldn't think…she could barely breathe. “Aidan, stop!” she cried out in desperation. “Something's wrong!”

  His hand stilled instantly. “What is it?”

  “I…I don't know. I feel…strange.”

  Aidan chuckled. “Like you're going to fly apart at the seams?” Elizabeth nodded, and a wide grin spread over Aidan's face. His fingers resumed their task. “Perfect.” He quickened his pace, and her whole body tensed. “Don’t fight it, let it wash over you…I promise you are safe,” he said softly. “Come for me, Elizabeth. Come for me.”

  “What do you me-ohhhhh.” The strangled question barely made it out of her throat. Every muscle she possessed tensed and she clawed at the sheets. A throaty cry ripped through her as her body exploded with overwhelming sensation. It completely took her breath away, and it was several heartbeats before she could gasp for air again. Her legs quivered while she lay there, panting. Aidan was staring down at her, his eyes smoldering, but she lacked the strength to speak, so she closed her eyes and concentrated on just breathing.