The Love And Loss of Joshua James (The Cattleman's Daughters: Companion Book 3)

by Danni Roan

  In the soft light of an early moon, he could make out the headstones he and Deeks had carved and placed under the trees, the ghostly glow at once troubling and yet peaceful.

  Through the open shutters of the kitchen window, Joshua could hear Meg start to sing. It was a soft lilting song her Uncle Brion had taught her and the sweet words mingled with the night air.

  A quiet step on the porch floor caught his ear and he turned to see Sue Lynn walking toward him. He stood tall and dipped his head in greeting.

  “You do not look happy tonight, Mr. James,” she offered softly, looking off into the night.

  “Just thinking,” he replied.

  “What are you thinking?”

  He didn’t know what to say, but his eyes strayed back to the grave markers.

  “You are thinking about your lost love,” she spoke, her voice barely a whisper as she stood beside him. “Who were they?”

  He was surprised by the question, but answered nonetheless. “My first wife was Bridgette,” he said. “She gave me Katie, Meg and Fiona.”

  “How long has she been gone?”

  With a start Joshua, realized that Bri had been gone six years already.

  “And your second wife?” Her dark eyes seemed to reflect the stars as she looked up into his face.

  “Cammy. She died almost two years ago.”

  “I’m very sorry for your loss Mr. Joshua.” Her hand was warm where it came to rest on his arm, causing goose bumps to race to his shoulders and down his spine. This woman seemed to have power over him, and it disturbed him more than he wanted to admit.

  “You are very lonely,” she said, still looking up at him.

  “Lonely? How can anyone be lonely around here?” he scoffed. “We have enough people to start our own town.”

  “Even surrounded by many people, one can be lonely,” she said, her voice a tender breath, bearing conviction. “I have lived many places, with many people, and have felt alone.”

  Joshua turned and let himself truly look at her. Her small, heart-shaped face was lifted toward him, her eyes wide and full of wonder. He tried to swallow, but his throat had gone dry and he couldn’t think straight.

  “I am going to kiss you,” Sue Lynn said, making his eyes go wide, but before he could recover she’d raised herself up on tip-toe and kissed him soundly on the lips. He stood there on the porch, his whole body thrumming, as she turned and walked away.

  Shaking himself, Joshua stepped down from the porch and walked into the night, trying to clear his head and calm his beating heart.

  ***

  “Grandfather, you can keep talking, but it will not change my mind. Perhaps you do not believe in love at first sight, but I do and I know that I love this man and that I will love this man for the rest of my life.” Sue Lynn’s voice was quiet, but firm, as they worked together in the bath house washing clothes.

  “You are too young to know about such things,” Chen Lou said seriously. Their hushed conversation in Chinese was private, but he felt that anyone might hear, even if they could not understand. “You cannot have loved him when first you saw. You did not know if he was married or not.”

  “It didn’t matter,” she replied, huffing at a strand of hair that had fallen over her eyes. “If he had been married, we would have moved on, but he is widowed so I can have him.”

  “Sue Lynn, life does not work that way. Just because you want something does not mean that you get it.”

  “I know that, Grandfather. I have seen much of this world and much of it is dirty and mean and unfair. If one can find love they should grasp it and hold it as long as they can.”

  “And what if you get what you want and then discover you do not want it after one year, two years or five years? What then?”

  “This will not happen. I tell you I love him.”

  “You do not know what love is,” he scoffed, wishing to somehow convince her, but knowing that she was headstrong, he feared that nothing he said would dissuade her of her set course.

  “Ye-ye,” she spoke gently, reaching for his hand in the wash tub. “You are the only parent I have ever had and I love you with all of my heart, but I am grown; I am a woman now.”

  Her eyes were tender as she squeezed his hand. “You have raised me to know right from wrong, to watch for danger and work hard. You have given me as much as you could through labor and care. Now you must trust that what you have done is enough.”

  The old man swung his head to and for, his long white pigtail a counter-point to each turn. “I do not wish to see you hurt.”

  “It is too late for that, Grandfather. My heart is his, whether he will have it or not.” She sighed, sinking back on her heels, and laid her dripping hands in her lap. “If Joshua James cannot love me now, my heart will break and there is nothing else for it.”

  “You truly believe that you love this man, you just met, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You do not know him.”

  “Look around you, Ye-ye. Look at this place, look at his children, his friends, his family.” She lifted a hand toward the open door. “He does not simply own this place, he shares it; the work, the land, the stock, the profit. All of it is shared equally among those who work here. If that does not show honor, what does?”

  Chen Lou hung his head. She would not be swayed and deep in his heart, he prayed that she would have what she wanted, even if it meant losing her forever. “God will decide,” he finally said, hoping that his granddaughter would accept whatever came.

  Chapter 25

  For the next two days, Joshua avoided the house. He did his best to stay as far away from Sue Lynn as he could. No decent man would be thinking the thoughts he was about the young woman and not feel shame.

  He was thirty years old already, what could a young woman like her see in him, anyway? He thought of the kiss she’d given him on the back porch and flushed, his whole body warming to the memory.

  Joshua dug the pitchfork into the hay of the barn floor and lifted the muck into a bucket that waited for the compost pile. Hard work was a good cure for what ailed him.

  “Good morning, Mr. James.” Sue Lynn’s voice slid up his back with a shiver, her words wrapping him like a silk scarf.

  “Miss Sue Lynn.” He tugged at the brim of his hat but turned back to his work.

  The sound of rustling hay told him she’d entered the stall, but he was surprised when she lifted his hat from his head.

  “Why do you always wear this hat?” she asked, turning the big gray Stetson in her hands.

  “For protection from the sun mostly,” he said, still trying to concentrate on his work. The smell of horse and hay seemed strong in his nostrils, but was suddenly overwhelmed by something else. The smell of clover and locust blossom filled his head as Sue Lynn was suddenly standing before him.

  Without warning, she ran her hand through his hair, lifting the strands that had been plastered to his head by his hat. “Your hair is very yellow,” she commented, running her fingers through it again.

  Joshua closed his eyes, suppressing a groan. This itty-bitty woman was going to be the undoing of him.

  “Where are you from?”

  “Ohio,” he answered, his voice deep and gruff.

  “Were your family from there?”

  “No, my Pa came from a place called Finland.”

  “Is that why your hair is this color?”

  “Yes.”

  Sue Lynn slipped closer, gazing up into his eyes. “I like your eyes.”

  Joshua swallowed hard, resisting the urge to pull her to him and kiss her. “Thank you.”

  “I like you.” She ran a delicate finger along his arm, “but I don’t think you like me.”

  Didn’t like her? If only she knew how he was feeling right now. “I like you just fine,” he finally answered.

  Her smile was a super nova. “And what about kissing me?” she asked, her voice at once teasing and seductive.

  “Miss Sue Lynn, people don
’t just go around kissing,” he tried, “I mean not if they’re not engaged or sparkin’.” He needed to make her understand.

  “I liked kissing you the other night,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “It was nice.”

  She was so close now he could see the tiny creases around her eyes and each long, black lash that rimmed her upswept eyes. If only she knew what she was doing to him, perhaps she would leave.

  “Well kissin’ can be nice,” he started patiently, “but people don’t just kiss each other unless it means something.”

  “It means they like each other,” Sue Lynn said simply.

  “Yes, it can mean that, but between a man and a woman there’s more to it.”

  “Why couldn’t I kiss you again and see if there’s more to it, then?” she asked, her deep eyes full of light.

  “That wouldn’t be right,” Joshua said, taking a step back.

  “Are you afraid of me, Joshua James?” Sue Lynn asked, following him.

  “No,” he said, taking another step back.

  “Are you sure?” She took another step toward him.

  “Yes.” He took one more step back, only to come up against the stall rail.

  “Then why are you running away from me?” Her voice was sultry and her hand reached to his collar. “I’m just a little thing after all, a big strong man like you couldn’t possibly be afraid of me, could he?”

  Joshua placed both hands behind him against the stall to hold himself upright as Sue Lynn leaned closer. He knew what she was going to do but hesitated anyway, until her lips were pressed to his, warm and sweet.

  Sue Lynn kissed him soundly, her soft lips tracing his as he leaned cornered against the front of the stall, then slowly she pulled away.

  “Joshua,” she whispered, her dark eyes boring into his. “You have buried two wives already, this is true, but you are not dead, you are a living, breathing man.” She kissed him again, this time with only a fleeting touch before she slipped away.

  Joshua stood frozen to the spot, his heart racing a mile a minute and his head foggy. What had just happened? He shook his head and pushed himself upright again, then stared at the pitchfork he’d dropped in the stall when he’d tried to get away from Sue Lynn.

  Stooping, he pulled the farm tool back into his hand and started back to work as her words echoed in his head. It was the second time someone had reminded him he wasn’t dead.

  “As if I didn’t know that,” he spat, his heart hammering in his ears.

  He continued his chores, throwing himself into the work until sweat dripped from his face and his shirt grew wet. He was tempted to take it off, but what if Sue Lynn returned? His scalp crawled at the thought. He hoped that she and her grandfather would move on soon so that things could get back to normal, but even as he thought it, something inside him screamed for them to stay.

  At noon, Joshua doused himself under the pump in the bath house before heading up the back stairs to see what was for lunch. Stepping into the kitchen, the warm comforting smells of food surrounded him, making him take a deep breath.

  From the door on the other side of the kitchen, he could hear one of the twins giggle and he smiled, walking over to stand in the doorway to see what they were doing. Sue Lynn sat cross -legged on the floor, her arms spread wide as she made a silly face.

  “Then the giant shouted and stomped his feet,” she said, swaying back and forth as if she were stomping along. “’I’ll cook you and ‘ave you for dinner’, he said, swiping at Jack, but Jack dodged away, still holding the goose, and dashed to the bean stalk, scrambling down as fast as he could.”

  The children leaned in, listening attentively as Joshua rested a shoulder against the door frame, listening. “What happened next?” Fiona asked.

  “Jack scurried down the bean stalk, thrusting the goose into his mother’s arms as he picked up his ax and began swinging. It bit deep into the bean stalk even as it began to sway and shake as the giant began climbing down. Again and again, Jack swung the ax until the bean stalk bent, then tipped and fell, smashing to the earth. The giant crashed to the ground, making a huge hole that filled with water, becoming a beautiful lake and Jack and his mother lived happily ever after.”

  Joshua faded back into the kitchen where he wouldn’t be seen. It was nice to see his girls enjoying Sue Lynn's company, even if he couldn't.

  ***

  Weary from a long day in the saddle, Joshua James turned his lathered pony toward home. He'd been moving cattle toward a centralized branding and gathering area in preparation for the big drive to Laramie. Each morning he was in the saddle as soon as breakfast had finished and usually was not home until the supper bell rung.

  A bright sun sparkled in a cloudless sky as he took the turn toward the stream that bordered the ranch property. Something downstream caught his attention and he squinted into the heat to see Sue Lynn standing on the creek bank with a fishing rod in her hand.

  The slip of a woman had taken off her outer shirt and stood in her camisole, her strong arms holding tight to the long pole in her hands. As Joshua tried to drag his eyes away, the willowy pole dipped and jumped in Sue's hands and she staggered into the stream, pulling the line taunt.

  The fishing rod jumped again and Sue Lynn braced her feet against the slippery rocks of the stream, pulling back as the fish began to fight. Another great pull on the line, and the petite young woman was now in up to her knees.

  Joshua kicked his horse into a run, skidding to a halt behind the young woman, and threw himself out of the saddle before splashing into the water. With large hands, he grasped her by the waist, bracing her before she plunged into the stream.

  "Hold on," she shouted over her shoulder, struggling to wrestle the fishing pole she still held in her hand back under control.

  "Let the rod go," Joshua urged.

  "That's my supper," she barked, again bracing her feet wide and leaning into his bulk to anchor herself.

  "It's just a fish," Joshua grumbled, liking the feel of her tiny waist in his grasp.

  Sue Lynn dug her heels in as the rod jerked again, pulling her off balance, but with a mighty yank she pulled the big trout out of the water, trying to turn it toward the bank.

  With no warning at all, Sue's feet slid out from under her and with a last-ditch effort, she tossed the rod and fish up onto the bank, where the trout jerked and flopped. As she grasped Joshua's collar, they tumbled into the cold water of the crystal stream.

  Joshua felt himself falling and instead of going with it, threw his whole weight backward into the water, dragging Sue Lynn down onto his chest and legs with a splash.

  The cold water covering his head made him gasp and he came up spluttering, still holding Sue around the middle. She was wet from head to toe, but instead of shouting indignantly, she threw her head back, laughing as she sprawled across him.

  "I got it!" she said excitedly, her deep eyes full of life and laughter. "I knew I could." Instead of struggling to her feet, she turned her head and with a bright smile, wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him.

  Joshua tried to keep his head above water, tried to keep her upright or push her away, but it was useless. Instead he pulled her close and together sank to the rocky floor of the merry stream that bubbled and laughed over them as he drank in the taste of her lips, drowning in his need to surrender.

  ***

  A cold wet nose, bumped Joshua's hand, bringing him out of the bitter-sweet memories of the past, and he looked down to see an old dog pushing its graying muzzle under his hand.

  "Where'd you come from, Kip old boy?" he asked, looking up to see if his grandson was nearby.

  "Grandpa Josh?" Eric's deep rumble drew his eyes upward. The man, once no more than a boy on his knee, walked up the steps, holding the hand of a tall, slim woman with long, blonde hair pulled up loosely into a knot at the back of her head.

  "I wanted to introduce you to Joan," Eric said, his eyes bright and face flushed. "She's my wife," he added, a shy gr
in on his face. "I wanted to introduce you before it all got too crazy 'round here."

  Joshua lifted a frail hand toward the newest member of his family. "Pleasure to meet you, Joan," he offered smiling, his icy-blue stare warm and welcoming. "You're a tall one," he commented. "I'm glad you won't get a crick in your neck lookin' up to this one that way."

  The young woman smiled shyly and gave a little giggle. "I hadn't thought of that," she agreed. "I'm pleased to meet you Mr. James." Her voice was soft and lilting, with a hit of an accent he couldn't quite pin-point.

  "You been day dreamin' again, grandpa?" Eric asked, giving his old dog a scratch behind the ears.

  "I was thinkin' of Mae's ma," Joshua confirmed. "Now you're a married man I'll have to tell ya the rest of that story sometime." He looked up at the newlyweds. They looked awkward and uncomfortable with each other yet.

  Eric was a quiet boy with big ideas and hopes for continuing his father and grandfather's work.

  "Sit down here and I'll tell ya about it," he said, then watched as Eric pulled a chair close, offering it to his young bride before taking up residence on the porch rail.

  "Ya see," the old man began. "Sue Lynn was different. She brought out a need in me I'd not known I had. I was married twice before, but every woman's different." He closed his eyes and drifted back to that day.

  "I kissed her back that time. Kissed her right back."

  ***

  Joshua and Sue Lynn emerged from the shallow depths of the stream, both gasping for breath, still wrapped in each other's arms, the cold water doing little to cool the heat that radiated from them.

  He wanted to look away, wanted to feel shame for kissing her and holding her close, but he didn't. Instead, he let his body feel her warm form crushed to his. His lips pulsed with the taste of her on them.

  Sue Lynn tangled her fingers into Joshua's hair where her arms rested, crossed at the back of his neck, and turned dark eyes to study his. They were as clear as the blue stream that tugged at their clothes, yet full of shadows of longing and desire.

  "Joshua," she whispered, "do you see me now?"