Pulled Back Again

by Danielle Bannister

  “Why didn’t Tobias tell me?” He seethes quietly beside me.

  Instantly, I feel guilty. I knew they were close. Why didn’t I tell him?

  “I’m sorry... I guess I thought you’d find out.”

  “From who, Jada? Ms. G was the only person who even spoke to me while I was in prison.” The hurt is evident behind his eyes. He’d been left all alone. He’d been abandoned. I knew what that felt like.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again.

  He straightens his shoulders and cracks his neck. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  He reaches into his pocket just then and pulls out a small white cloth. He glances at me and smiles. He takes the cloth and rubs it in small circles against his neck. It’s not all that hot out so the gesture seems odd. Then again, everything about Hawk is proving to be odd.

  As he pockets the cloth, I catch a whiff of cologne. I crinkle my nose involuntarily. I hate that stuff. Why on earth is he putting on cologne, in a subway?

  “Where are we going, Hawk? And what do you want from me?” It’s the question I’ve been dying to ask him. The sick, twisted part of me wants to know why he’s messing with us. What is his endgame?

  “I came to see you,” he says with more sincerity than he has any right to have.

  “Why? We’re not together, Hawk. You know this, right? Janelle may be your biological daughter, but I’m with Tobias. And I always will be.”

  The words are cruel and perhaps presumptuous on my part, but why else would anyone hunt down a person the way he did? If he thinks I have feelings for him, I need him to know, point blank, that I don’t.

  “You’re with Tobias, but not for long.” His statement isn’t said with a level of conceit, but with assurance in himself.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I say, glaring up at him.

  Hawk turns me to him and forces his arms around me, caging me against his chest. I don’t bother to struggle because I’m all too aware of what he’s hiding under his jacket.

  “It means,” he whispers, “that soon you won’t be able to take your hands off me, and your boy Tobias will be nothing but a bad taste in your mouth.”

  I try to pull away from him, but he holds me in place. I want to cry, but I refuse to in front of him. I won’t give him the satisfaction.

  When the train finally pulls up in front of us, I start to panic. My gut tells me not to get on this train with Hawk. Instinctively, I take a step backward, but he grabs me by the wrists and pulls me close to him.

  “We agreed to do this my way, remember?” he growls, not liking the attention we’re gathering.

  He’s right. But more importantly, Tobias needed more time. I had to do everything I could to give them a running start. I’d meet up with them some way when I returned.

  If you return, my head shouts.

  Ignoring reason, I let Hawk lead me onto the waiting car. Only a handful of other people are in this section of the train. Two teenagers lean against a pole near the back. They’re speaking in English about a movie they’ve just seen. Lots of blood and guts. An elderly woman is talking to a man who appears to be snoozing in one of the seats near the door. Her accent is so thick that I only pick up the word “bacon” from their one-sided conversation.

  Hawk brings us over to a cluster of seats covered in red plastic. Although the trains are spotless, a thick layer of stale air seems to stick to your skin, dragging you down.

  As the train pulls out of the station, I focus my eyes on the Metro map digitally displayed above the doors, trying to figure out where he’s taking us. We’re currently on the Montmorency Line. The Orange Line is kind of like a large U that takes a sharp left at one end. The Blue Line is the only other line it connects with. I’m thinking we must be transferring there, since there’s not much but residential places past that.

  I’m focusing on the map when Hawk suddenly nuzzles his nose into the nape of my neck and I have to restrain myself from smacking him.

  “Hawk. Please stop that.”

  He ignores me and playfully bites the edge of my ear.

  “Why should I?”

  I push him off me. He is way out of line.

  “Because I don’t like it!” I bark. “You need to understand that I’m with Tobias, Hawk. Get that through your thick head. I didn’t agree to talk with you so you could manhandle me.”

  He pulls away, but not much. “Why did you agree to talk with me, then? And alone, if you didn’t still have feelings for me?” His face contorts into a smile; an overwhelming air of cocky arrogance sprawls across his lips.

  I swallow down what I want to say to him because as he slinks back into his seat, the knife he’s concealing peeks out and I’m reminded of why I need to be cautious with him. I can’t make him mad.

  Thinking, I try to come up with a plan. By now, Tobias and Janelle should be out of the apartment, so all I have to do is ditch Hawk. A connection to the Blue Line is coming up. If we continue on to Jean-Talon, I should be able to jump off there before the doors close and hop a Blue Line back to the Orange. There is enough foot traffic there to get lost in the crowd at this hour. But I’d need to time it out perfectly. And he’d need to let go of my hand, which is still firmly locked on mine.

  How can I get him to let go of my hand?

  Four more stops till we reach the Blue Line transfer. Four more stops to come up with a distraction.

  The train slows again, and the teenagers get off, leaving the car to just the sleeping old man and his wife who seems to have given up speaking to him and has now lost herself in a book. That’s when the idea hits me. I know how to get his hands off me.

  I look up to the heavens and whisper a silent prayer. Forgive me, Tobias, for what I’m about to do.

  As the train picks up speed, my heartbeat does as well. Here goes nothing.

  “You’re right,” I say quietly, squeezing Hawk’s hand.

  He looks at me funny. “About what?”

  “You’re right about everything. I have secretly wanted you all this time and have only settled for Tobias.” I swallow down the sickness brewing in my belly and give him my best seductive look, which honestly has never been my strong suit.

  Hawk tilts his head to the side, unsure of what to make of me. I have to give him more. Gathering my courage, I try to imagine Tobias. I stare at Hawk’s lips, cold and hard, and will them to become the soft and dreamy lips of Tobias. Unable to wait any longer for my imagination to take over, I hitch my leg over his waist and straddle him. His body grows hard under me and it’s all I can do not to throw up.

  If this is going to work, I need to be aggressive, so I lower my lips to his. The taste of him is so foreign it makes my skin crawl, but I force my tongue into his mouth, thinking only about my escape.

  He moans softly as he caresses my tongue with his. I feel his hand release mine and for a half a second, I’m free, but in the next moment, he has both his hands around my waist, caging me on top of him. If I can keep this up a little longer, he won’t expect it when I rip away from him and run off the train.

  His fingers dig into my flesh, pulling me closer to him. With tears burning in my eyes, I bury my hands in his hair and try to replicate his intensity.

  I pull off of his lips and go after his neck instead. I can’t stand the feel of his lips on me a second longer. I bite along the edges of his neck, hoping to come off as sexual instead of aggressive.

  As I drag my tongue across his neck, I notice the taste of his skin is strange. Foreign and oddly... attractive?

  Suddenly, my head feels weird. Hawk’s scent is overwhelming. It seems to consume me—turning me on. I try to remember he repulses me, but my body doesn’t seem to agree. Kissing Hawk’s neck is almost hypnotic. Seductive, new, exciting.

  Jada, stop!

  I yank my mouth from his neck, shocked by what I just did.

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” I whisper, panting down at him.

  Hawk smiles a crooked grin at me. His hands inc
h up my spine and my body shakes with anticipation, betraying me.

  “No. What you shouldn’t have done was stop,” he says hot against my neck.

  His heady scent envelops me again. My head spins like I’m drunk. I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I don’t seem to have control of my actions. Unable to stop myself, I give in to his kiss, surrendering to the way his arms feel against my flesh.

  My brain doesn’t even register when the train stops at Jean-Talon and then goes right past it—along with my escape plan. I am simply too lost inside Hawk’s embrace to care.

  Tobias

  Racing back to the apartment, I feel sick to my stomach. I hate that I’m returning home without Jada. Where did he take her? All I can think is that they’d better be back when I return. If they aren’t—

  Don’t think about that. Just get home.

  The trip back to the apartment is a blur. I don’t even remember crossing the street. By the time I make it into the building, though, I know I’m in trouble. My lungs hurt. Bad. Cursing, I crawl back up the four flights of stairs to our apartment. The pain has gone from annoying to worrisome. A coughing fit starts on the last landing. It’s all I can do to get into the apartment without passing out.

  Fortunately, I know exactly where my inhaler is and scramble into the bathroom for its healing mist. Collapsing onto the lip of the tub, I inhale several medicated puffs until my racing heart subsides and my lungs finally expand enough to take some shallow breaths.

  As I take in air, I focus on my neon-yellow inhaler. I haven’t needed to use this stupid thing in three years. That’s when it dawns on me. Something terrible has happened to Jada. I know this because I’m getting sick again.

  Although it took me a while to realize she was the cure to my diseased lung, when I did, the rationale was crystal clear. Before I met Jada, I was always one asthma attack away from death, but after I met her, when I had an attack, she would show up and my asthma magically got better. Since we’ve been together, my symptoms have basically disappeared. Even my doctors can’t believe my recovery, but Jada and I knew. It’s because we’re connected. Twin Flames.

  We don’t tell many people about out unique connection because not many would believe it. They’d just roll their eyes and chalk it up to us being helpless romantics. But after everything Jada and I have been through, we know we could be nothing else than the other’s missing half. Neither one of us ever felt whole until we met each other. We complete each other, and now that she’s missing, a part of me is gone too. A vital part, one I need in order to find her: working lungs.

  When I try to stand up to check the window, they burn again, only this time they feel like they’re about to collapse.

  I lean over against my knees, gulping for air that is suddenly hard to catch. My hands dig into my sides. Fire burns inside my lungs. Intuitively I know. Something bad just happened, something that has pulled Jada far away from me.

  I need to find her before my lungs give out.

  Chapter Seven

  Jada

  As my lips curl around Hawk’s earlobe I hear a far-off voice asking why I’m still kissing him. I can’t come up with an answer. It’s as though my body is being forced into these revolting positions. I have no control to stop myself. It makes no sense. All I can seem to focus on is his scent. He just smells so good. It’s intoxicating: musky, heady, and all sorts of sexy.

  I’m so engrossed in his fingers running up the arch of my back I don’t notice the snickers coming from passengers who have just boarded.

  “We’ve got an audience,” Hawk murmurs in my ear.

  “So,” I say, licking his neck, which is so not like me.

  He laughs at me but drags me off his lap. I actually hear myself groan when he forcibly removes me from his body.

  I have to hold myself back from going after him for more. I let out a deep breath to try and steady myself.

  Jada! What is wrong with you?

  My thoughts plead with me to move away from Hawk, but I have no desire to do that. In fact, all I want to do is crawl back on his lap, but the way his hand has latched onto mine tells me he wouldn’t allow it even if I tried. Instead, I content myself to just look at his cool ice-blue eyes. I’m hardly able to remember why I ever found them so creepy before. I sink my body against his side, desperate for as much contact as he’ll allow. He smirks down at me. Something about his grin tells me he has me right where he wants me, which makes me oddly content—happy even.

  The voices protesting against my skull fade into the background when Hawk pulls me closer to him.

  “I knew you’d come around,” Hawk whispers against my hair. “We’re meant to be together, baby. We’re meant to be.”

  Nuzzling up against his side, I smile and close my eyes, buried against his chest. When I’m this close to him, it’s surprisingly easy to ignore the screams gurgling in the pit of my stomach

  When the Metro comes to the end of the line, Hawk slides his hand in mine, and I take it willingly. His skin is so rough and strong. Such an odd contrast to what I’m used to.

  It takes him no effort at all to pull me out of the train. I am his willing slave.

  As we make our way to the exit, I lean against him, breathing in his delicious heady scent. Hawk kisses my hair over and over as we climb the stairs to the street.

  Montmorency used to be one of the biggest stops on the line years ago, but once the university closed its doors, it became a bit of a ghost town. I can’t help but wonder where he’s taking us.

  As we crest the stairs, Hawk wraps his arm around my waist and holds on tight, almost like he’s afraid I’m going to run. I smirk at the idea. I never want to leave his side. Grasping his side tighter, I take a deep breath of the early summer air. Its crisp scent washes over me, filling my senses with memories of the first time Tobias and I moved here...

  Tobias...

  My head jerks from Hawk’s shoulder. His hand presses harder against my waist as though he’d been expecting this reaction.

  Outside in the midmorning air, the reality of what I just did with Hawk on the Metro makes me nauseous.

  I just made out with Hawk! In public! Why did I do that? My insides roll. It all comes crashing back. The plan had been to escape from Hawk, not to enjoy his touch. So why had I enjoyed it? I’m both disgusted and appalled by what I did with him.

  It makes no sense, though! It’s not like he could have drugged me or anything. I didn’t eat or drink anything while I was with him. But my reaction back there was not me.

  “Just a bit farther,” Hawk whispers hot in my ear. My head spins a little from his proximity. My eyes flutter and I smile at him. What the hell is happening to me?

  Hawk pulls me tighter to him, almost smothering me as we walk. My head reels with conflicting thoughts. I want to kiss him and punch him all at the same time. I struggle to get a grip on what is happening to me as he drags me toward an old college campus.

  An old abandoned campus.

  Finally, my body takes over and my feet plant to the ground, halting his footsteps.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  He looks me in the eye. I know he’s strong enough to drag me wherever he wants me to go, even in public, so I don’t actually expect him to answer me.

  “I’m taking you home.” His blue eyes pierce into mine.

  “What are you talking about? I have a home. With Tobias! And I want to go back there, now!” I swallow back some of the fear that’s begun tingling along my skin.

  He laughs. “That’s not the impression you gave me on the train.” Something behind his eyes doesn’t seem as shocked as I am about my behavior. Almost like he’d planned this whole thing, but that is impossible.

  My cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Look, what happened back there—it was a mistake. I don’t know what came over me. I love Tobias—”

  He covers my lips with his finger. “Don’t say his name again. Do you understand? What you did on the train wasn’t the mistake. Yo
ur life with him was. A mistake I plan on fixing.” He releases his hand from my face, but all I can do is gape open-mouthed at his audacity. My head is remarkably clear now.

  I’m done with his manipulation. If he wants to risk killing me in public, so be it, but I am not about to go anywhere with him.

  Although I try my hardest to rip my body out of his hands, he just holds on tighter. His fingers dig deep into my flesh, so firmly that I know they will leave several grape-sized bruises, but I resist the urge to cry out in pain.

  “Let go of me, Hawk!” I hiss.

  In a flash, he pins my arms to my side and speaks quickly into my ear. “Would you rather I go back and take Janelle instead?” His eyes flick down to his knife. He knows I’ve seen it on him.

  An unspoken understanding passes between us in the summer wind.

  “You wouldn’t,” I whisper, feeling my body turn to Jell-O.

  “Try me.” His eyes are cold, wicked. He tugs at my shirt, pulling me forward.

  I have no choice. I have to go with him. Gaping up at him, I see his plan etched along the creases in his eyes. He knew just what button to push to get me to submit to his wishes. Bastard!

  With each step we take, I feel my body start to shut down. It’s an oddly familiar feeling. One I used to have when my father was alive. A feeling I never thought I’d have to endure again. I had thought my days of torture were over when my dad died, but now I see they are just beginning. Whatever lies ahead for me on that deserted campus will not end well.

  Tears streak down my face at the helplessness of my position. I can’t risk running. I can’t risk him going after my daughter. She is my entire world. I will not allow him to touch her again.

  Knowing that my baby is safe with Tobias, my legs find the courage they need to keep moving forward.

  Tobias

  Almost a half hour has passed and still no sign of Jada. Unless I can get my air back, I’m not going to be able to go out again and look for her. I don’t even have enough breath to call the stupid cops!

  Before I pick up Janelle from next door, I know I have to get my meds. I’m getting into some dangerous territory here. The inhaler isn’t cutting it.