Secret Dream: Delos Series, 1B1

by Lindsay McKenna

  “You can set the table. Steve will probably be up in about an hour. With the beets being dug out of the ground right now, he starts out early into the fields and comes home late.”

  “Farming is a lot of work,” he agreed, purposely keeping his voice low also. He pulled four plates from the cupboard. “Did you sleep all right?” He knew it was a personal question; he tried to prepare for her to get prickly.

  Susan groused, “The dark circles under my eyes. A dead giveaway. Right?”

  He smiled a little. “I imagine having me underfoot is an extra burden you don’t need right now,” he said, setting the plates on the bright pink quilted place mats.

  “Oh,” Susan said, cracking six more eggs into the skillet, “this has nothing to do with you and Lia visiting us. I just haven’t been myself in so long that I’m at my wit’s end. Did I wake you up last night? I must have gone up and down that hall at least three times.”

  “No,” Cav lied. He walked to the silverware drawer, opening it. “What’s keeping you up?”

  She shrugged. “Damned if I know. My doctor says its menopause. Whatever the hell that means. He said some women have trouble sleeping. I can tell you that I sure do. I get night sweats that wake me up and then I can’t go back to sleep. This has been going on since I was forty-five and I’m sick of it.” She turned, looking at him. “Does your mother have menopause symptoms?”

  His heart contracted and he held the flatware in his hands, feeling gut shot for a second. Cav hadn’t expected her to ask those kinds of questions. But why wouldn’t she? Susan assumed he still had his mother. “My mother died when I was eighteen of a heart attack,” he said, forcing himself to move to the table.

  “Oh,” Susan murmured, startled, “I’m so sorry … how horrible …”

  In that moment, Cav could see Lia in Susan’s face. And her demeanor mirrored Lia’s exactly. They were so alike, and that gave Cav some information that would help him work with Susan. “Yeah, I didn’t see that one coming, either.”

  “I’ll bet you miss her.”

  “Very much. She’s never far from my thoughts.” And that wasn’t a lie. He saw the sympathy in Susan’s exhausted features. Just like Lia, she was putting herself out to others instead of putting up boundaries to protect herself. It ran in the family. The “no boundary” gene was shared by the two women.

  “Were you in school when she died?” Susan asked, stirring up the eggs and adding salt and pepper to them.

  “Actually,” Cav murmured, coming and resting his hips against the counter about four feet away from where Susan was cooking, “I had just joined the Navy. I had passed all the SEAL qualifications and was getting ready to go to BUD/s, their six-month boot camp.”

  “That’s so sad,” she said, frowning.

  Cav remembered clearly that she had referred to him as a killer. And maybe her frown meant Susan had been reminded of that. If she was like Lia, then Cav knew the only way to draw her out was to become vulnerable himself. It wasn’t something he was comfortable with, but his love for Lia had pushed him to do it for her. Now he had to do it for Susan, hoping she wouldn’t turn on him and savage him. “I came from a pretty busted-up home. My old man was a drug addict. My mother tried to protect me from him,” he offered, seeing the sudden sympathy come to Susan’s darkening green eyes. “He was abusive toward both of us. I remember as a young kid begging my mom to run away with me and leave him. But”—he shrugged—“she never could. At that time, I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave him.”

  “Lia told me a little about your family,” Susan offered, stirring the eggs “I can’t imagine living in that kind of daily, ongoing hell.”

  “It was hell,” he agreed grimly. Cav wanted to cross his arms across his chest, but he knew that body language was a powerful communicator. And even if Susan didn’t pick up on his defensive posture consciously, she’d react nonetheless to it. And then she might close up, and he’d miss an opportunity to try to reach her for Lia’s sake.

  “Your mother?”

  “Yes?”

  “What was her name?”

  “Elizabeth.”

  “Pretty name. Tell me about her?”

  Anguish scored him, and Cav felt like he was standing naked in front of Susan. He’d discussed his mother with only two people in his life: Chief Jacoby, his sea daddy, who had been a role model and father to him when he was a SEAL, and then, of late, Lia. Sucking it up, Cav knew he had to push through his need to hide his pain from others. If Susan was really like her kindhearted daughter, this information might create a bridge of trust with her. It was one helluva risk. Taking a deep breath, he said, “My mother got pregnant with me when she was fifteen. She married my father. I was born when she just turned sixteen. She never finished school, stayed home and took care of me.”

  Susan frowned and whispered, “You had a rough start to life, Cav.”

  “Not as rough as my mother did. She’s the one who suffered the most in all of this.”

  Susan carried the skillet over to the table and put two-thirds of the eggs on his plate and the rest on her plate. “You seem to have a bit of a Southern accent, Cav. Did Elizabeth come from the South?”

  He smiled a little. Yep, like mother, like daughter. He pulled out her chair for her, then went over to the coffeemaker and poured them each a cup, bringing them over to the table. Susan sat down, thanking him for the coffee. Cav ensured there was plenty of space between them. He didn’t want to crowd Susan, so he sat opposite her at the wide, long rectangular oak table. “My mother came from Dunmore, West Virginia.”

  “You have a nice, soft drawl. I noticed it when you’d speak to Lia.”

  He pushed his fork through the steaming, fluffy eggs piled high on his plate. “Lia has that effect on me.”

  “How so?”

  “Being around Lia allows me to relax. She accepts who I am, warts and all. I don’t have to be on guard or put on my game face. I can just be me.” He saw Susan giving him a thoughtful look. At least this time it wasn’t a glare. Or defensive. And he’d been right: he’d have to be vulnerable in order to reach her. That was a helluva gene they had in their family, and he was glad not many other people he’d ever met had it. Cav was not the type to be open or outgoing or blither on about himself or his family.

  “That’s nice,” Susan murmured, chewing her eggs. “My daughter has that effect on everything and everyone. Did she tell you about Goldy, her palomino gelding?”

  Cav smiled fondly. “Yes, she did.”

  “She’s horse-crazy, you know?”

  “A month ago I took her to a wild mustang and burro sanctuary and farm near Alexandria, Virginia. They had mustangs you could trail-ride there for an hourly rate. I knew she loved riding, that she felt free when she did it. I got lucky. The owners of the place, a husband and wife, had a palomino gelding there named Sunny, a ten-year-old mustang, and they had him waiting for Lia.”

  “Oh,” Susan murmured, deeply touched. “That’s so wonderful of you to do that for her.”

  “We had a great time. And it really made her day.” Cav felt hope. The difference between Susan today and yesterday was jarring. Right now, he had an opening with Susan and he was going to take advantage of the opportunity if he could. For Lia’s sake. For her sake. He didn’t want Susan seeing him as the villain here. Or a killer who was stealing her much-loved daughter from them.

  Susan stirred the eggs with her fork, frowning. The silence hung in the kitchen for a few moments. “Cav? Why did you join something like the Navy SEALs?”

  Here it came. The killer aspect she saw in him. He was going to be brutally honest with her. Sometimes, the truth was bitter medicine, but it was the best thing that could be shared. “I guess I was looking for a family who could love me, Susan. I heard that the SEALs were like that: a team, a family.” He laid down his fork, his hands on either side of the plate, his appetite gone. “My father beat the crap out of me and my mother. We both had broken bones to prove it.” Instan
tly, he saw Susan’s face fall with utter sympathy, her eyes widening with pain. Cav pushed on. “When I joined and made qualifications for BUD/s, my mother had just died. I was in an angry, emotional state. Every SEAL that makes it through those six months gets a sea daddy. That’s an older SEAL, usually a chief, who will choose one of the graduates. His job is to be like a father figure to help guide the younger SEAL. Chief Jacoby, who had been in the SEALs for thirty years, picked me out of the twenty men who managed to make it through that class at BUD/s.

  “I didn’t like him at first because he got in my face about my anger. He pushed me hard in every way—physically, emotionally, and mentally. He was never abusive toward me like my father was. Instead, he treated me with respect, he demanded courtesy in return, and he taught me what a real father would be like for his son.”

  “Oh,” she whispered, “that’s such a gift for you.”

  He nodded, feeling the tightness in his gut. “I had so much anger. Looking back on it, Chief Jacoby must have known I’d been badly abused by my father, because one day, he pulled it out of me. I’d never talked about what my father had done to me and my mother. I remember sitting in his little office, the door shut, and sobbing my brains out. I’d never cried growing up. I just sucked it up and pushed it down deep into me. My mother cried for both of us. And I hated when she cried because it made me feel helpless. I couldn’t take the pain she carried away from her. I couldn’t ease her hurt or hold her like I wanted. We were both trapped by my father. And neither of us saw a way out of it.”

  Susan frowned and sat back. “You’ve suffered so much. And your poor mother … Does Lia know all of this?”

  “Yes, she does. There are no secrets between us, ma’am.”

  “Call me Susan, will you?”

  Cav nodded, feeling hope. “Chief Jacoby guided my life as a SEAL for the years I was in. He told me to get a degree, and I did that. He held me accountable, taught me about honor, truth, and loyalty. There were many times when I’d get off duty, and we’d be back at our base in Coronado that he’d invite me home with him. There was an extra bedroom, and that’s where I stayed. He had two sons. He and his wife were very much in love with one another. That’s where I got to see that not all families were like mine. It was his way of showing me that a family is something you can have, you can work for, and it can be a good thing, not a bad thing like mine was.”

  Susan shook her head. “You’re lucky you turned out so well coming from a hell like that, Cav.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  “Lia’s never, ever had a hand laid on her.”

  “I know. Your family is similar to Chief Jacoby’s family. There’s a lot of love in the household. There’s no abuse; no one is hitting anyone else with a belt or their fist.”

  Rubbing her brow, Susan murmured, “You’re old beyond your years, Cav.”

  “Some days, I feel eighty.”

  “I’ll bet you do.”

  “I learned a long time ago that the next dawn meant a new day, new possibilities.”

  “I love your attitude.” She smiled a little, continuing to size him up. “Is that what the SEALs gave you, then? A sense of family?”

  “Yes, they did.”

  “Is it true that you kill people?”

  Cav remained open. Susan wasn’t the first one to ask him this, but never had his answer been more important than it was now—for Lia’s sake, and to put Susan at peace with him. He opened his hands. “The SEALs aren’t for everyone, Susan. I knew when I went in that I was going to be trained to be an operator who would go after men who made a lot of other people’s lives miserable. I can’t speak to you about what I did, exactly, because it’s top secret. What I can say is that the SEALs see themselves as a bulwark against the evil that’s out in this world. There are some men who don’t care if they murder children, women, or men. They don’t care if they ride through an Afghan village slaughtering everyone, including babies.” He saw Susan wince, straightening, as if to steel herself against the verbal pictures he was painting for her. “There are men over there who steal children and women, get them across the border to Pakistan, and sell them as sex slaves. They’re torn away from their families, never to be seen again. They live a life of real hell. And no one is going after them to find them, rescue them, and return them to their families.” Grimly he placed his elbows on the table, his voice lowering. “SEALs go out and create missions to find these kinds of men and take them off the face of this earth. We are the only group who stands between unarmed Afghan villages, who have no way to protect themselves, and those sex-slave traders. Or stands between one tribal clan and another clan. Some of them have been at war with one another for over a thousand years, and they’re still bloodthirsty and think nothing of destroying another tribal village. Can you imagine a hundred and fifty people that you know being cut down with daggers, knives, and AK-47 bullets?” He drilled her with a hard look.

  Susan placed her fingers against her throat and whispered brokenly, “God, no, I can’t …”

  Cav sat back, allowing his words to really sink into Susan. She was deeply moved, anguish in her eyes, her mouth contorted, as if to hold back a cry. Or maybe tears. Because just speaking about it brought a burning sensation to the backs of his eyes. Ruthlessly, Cav shoved it away. He couldn’t afford to feel anything right now; he had to focus on keeping Susan open to him, so that bridge of trust could be built between them. He felt the tension between them, felt her struggling with emotions that were clearly etched in her expression, the horror, the loss of life, and he wondered if it wasn’t bringing back Lia’s assault to her, front and center. She was shaken, and he felt badly about that because that had not been his intent. She had accused him of being a killer. And he wanted to set the record straight as to why he’d done what he’d done. He felt no remorse for the lives he’d taken. These men were pure evil. They weren’t going to turn around and change. They were greedy. After money. They didn’t care about the pain they caused their captives. They were heartless. And now, he could see all it landing on Susan.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean to become so graphic. I’m sure it’s upsetting to you.” He gestured to her uneaten eggs, which were cooling.

  Susan closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. She opened them, holding his apologetic gaze. “I couldn’t do what you’ve done, Cav.”

  “Not many can,” he offered quietly with a shrug. “The SEALs see themselves as a shield for our country, and for those who can’t protect themselves in some instances.”

  “I thought … well, I thought you murdered people.”

  “I have killed people who were trying to kill me, Susan. There’s a big difference. I defend. You lift a rifle in my direction? I will shoot to defend myself. If I see a child, a woman, or a man being chained up like an animal and driven with whips to Pakistan to be sold, I will shoot the bastards who are doing this to them.” He saw her eyes widen and then the bleakness of reality sinking into her. “Look, I’ll never forget one face of one of those monsters that I took out. I’ll go to my grave remembering each and every one of them. But will I be sorry about it? Not on your life. When you see what they do to innocent, helpless humans? I’ll willingly carry the load for the rest of my life for taking them out.”

  “I was so wrong about you,” Susan said, her voice quavering. She pushed her uneaten plate of eggs away from her, pressing her hands against her face, taking several long, deep breaths.

  Cav wasn’t hungry either. He picked up his cup of coffee, wanting something dark and warm instead of the internal satisfaction he felt about the evil he’d taken out. He wouldn’t confide that to Susan. She was shaken up enough. He’d made his points, and they had affected her deeply.

  Finally, she allowed her hands to fall away from her face and she studied him in the gathering silence. “Does Lia know what you do?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t ever want her to know because I know how easily she gets upset. She suffers much l
ike you do for the underdogs of life. That’s why she loves working for Delos. They’re a global charity and a force for good, giving hope to the hopeless. She’s a good fit there, Susan. And she’s doing great things in helping to set up Artemis, the in-house charity security company. Your daughter is a division manager and you should be very proud of her. She’s making the world a better place for people who can’t fight for themselves, or can’t feed themselves or educate themselves. If there was ever a white knight in his house”—he hooked a thumb toward the hall where Lia’s bedroom was located—“she’s sleeping in there right now. She’s a female Sir Galahad as far as I’m concerned. She lives to serve others and there’s no greater joy in the world to her than doing just that.”

  Susan sighed and sat back, her hands in her lap beneath the table. “Steve and I were hoping that she’d want to someday come back and take over running the family farm.”

  “I don’t know what she’ll do, Susan.”

  “I was worried about you,” she admitted hoarsely. “That you’d take her away from us …”

  “Won’t happen, Susan. Remember, I know what it’s like to have no family, no love. I love your daughter with my life. Why would I want to take her away from her loving family? I’d never put Lia into that kind of terrible, sterile environment. You’ve given her purpose, strength, and confidence through your love.” He saw Susan’s face crumple with relief, tears glistening in her eyes. “I don’t know what Lia will decide to do or whether she’ll want to come back here and learn the trade of being a farmer or not.”

  “What if she did, Cav? Would you stop her?”

  Cav saw the fear in Susan’s eyes. “No. I may not know a lot about family love, but Lia has been teaching me daily about love between two people. Love means you support each other. You don’t tell each other what to do. If Lia’s heart is in farming, if that becomes more important to her than what she’s doing presently at Delos, I’ll support whatever she decides.” He managed a sour smile. “I’m not a farmer, I admit that. But if this homestead, her family who’s been here over a hundred years, means more to her than her job at Delos, I’ll be more than happy to support her coming home. I’ll learn how to be a good farmer at her side.”