The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  His face had turned red and he was snorting. His fists were clenched. Nander walked up to him and put an arm around his shoulders. He whispered something that helped Seraph relax.

  “Ferhdessar told me that you want to pay off her debt,” Yvar stated when the man had calmed down a bit.

  Seraph nodded. “We were told that Lilith owes you twenty-one pieces of gold. I offer you two hundred pieces of gold in exchange for her.”

  Ferhdessar’s confusion rose. Nobody was worth that many gold pieces, especially this prisoner if she had done what this man was accusing her of. He leaned towards the king but before he could say anything Yvar asked Seraph, “What is it you want to do with her?”

  “We want to execute her.”

  Ferhdessar shook his head. It was insane to pay so much gold for someone who was going to be killed. So he asked, “Don’t you need the money for the reconstruction of your city?”

  “Gold is not what’s most important to our community. We want compensation for what she did. Not one person who died because of her would have it any other way.”

  This sounded plausible. The men were dressed in fine wool and silk. Their costumes fit perfectly, and it was clear that they looked after themselves. They clearly were wealthy.

  Yvar thought for a long time. Then he said, “I feel for you and I’ll see what I can do to ease your suffering. This woman, however, resides under my supervision, so I’ll give her a chance to respond to these allegations.”

  Seraph turned red in the face again and raised his voice. “She’ll only tell you lies.”

  “Don’t you deem the king wise enough to see right through her lies?” Ferhdessar asked in irritation.

  “Of course I do, lord sorcerer.” Seraph addressed the king, “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, that wasn’t my intention.”

  Yvar gave a nod of approval. “There’s no need to rush this. The woman isn’t going anywhere. I’ll keep your interests in mind when I make my decision.”

  “Of course, my lord, as you wish.”

  Yvar got up and Ferhdessar followed him. In the corridor the king said, “It’s high time the woman told us her story. Make sure she understands this.”

  Ferhdessar nodded and left for Lilith’s room.

  Lilith was standing in front of the fireplace to warm herself on the fire. When Ferhdessar came in, she turned around. She had been expecting him.

  “Seraph is here.”

  Lilith nodded and smiled. She had seen him while she was at work. She was convinced that the Purified one had come to rescue her. Now she would finally be able to leave this dreadful palace. She gave the sorcerer a hopeful look. “Does he want to take me away from here?”

  Ferhdessar squinted. “Yes, he wants to take you with him. He has told the king that you killed his family and that he wants to execute you.”

  Lilith hadn’t expected that. Her lower lip started to quiver. She paced around the room and knocked over everything in her path. But it didn’t calm her down. Eventually, Lilith smashed her fist into the wall with great force.

  “What had you expected?”

  Lilith shrugged. How could she have been so stupid to think he was coming to save her? She knew full well he was going to return her to her master. She was going to be punished for her disobedience and then she would have to continue carrying out her abhorring tasks. If she fell into her master’s hands again, her future would be even more awful than her prospects in this palace.

  “I can’t go with him. It will be years before I’ve paid off my debt by working for the king.” She triumphantly put her hands akimbo.

  Ferhdessar gave her a pitying look. “Seraph has thought about that. He’s willing to pay two hundred pieces of gold for you. Don’t forget that your work here is largely symbolic. It’s not like your work will get the king his money back. The offer is very tempting.” Lilith was taken aback.

  “You must have done something really bad if he’s willing to pay so much gold for you. The king is seriously considering handing you over.”

  Lilith turned around and rested her face against the wall. She drove her nails into her arm until it started to bleed.

  “I don’t want to go with him.”

  “I can imagine that. The flogging was a stroke with a feather compared to what’s awaiting you now.”

  “He’s told you lies. You can’t hand me over to Seraph.”

  Ferhdessar nodded. “As just as lord Yvar is, he has decided to give you a chance to defend yourself. You’re going to have to tell us what really happened.”

  This was so confusing. Could she be sure that the king wouldn’t punish her? Of course not, you fool. Maybe Yvar’s punishment was even worse than what her master would do to her. At least her master needed her alive. The king would probably have no choice but to sentence her to death. But you don’t know that for sure, a voice whispered inside her head, maybe… Lilith silenced the voice. What was the use of guessing? Her wristband was starting to irritate her.

  “Leave me alone!” she screamed as she pulled at the wristband to get it off. It didn’t work and the pain only fuelled her anger. Suddenly she realized there was a third option.

  Lilith tasted sulphur in her mouth and she knew her eyes were glowing dangerously. This always happened when she got angry, and once she had discovered that, she had made ample use of it to scare away the servi. Ferhdessar, however, didn’t let her scare him off. Quite the contrary, he walked up to her. Before he could say anything she whispered threateningly, “Leave me alone, or else…”

  “Or else what? What do you think you can do to me that should make me afraid of you?”

  Lilith hesitated briefly but then she rose on tiptoe to look Ferhdessar in the eye. “I’ll destroy you, I’ll destroy this palace and all its inhabitants.”

  “And you think I’ll let you?”

  Ferhdessar shook his head condescendingly, but when her hand reached for her amulet and she started to whisper the incantation, his expression became suspicious.

  As she felt the power flow through her body, Lilith realized she had been longing for this feeling. She was stronger than the humans. She felt the scales press through her skin. Anger and feelings of revenge took hold of her emotions and she grew in size. Ferhdessar would be the first to burn, and then the entire palace would go up in flames.

  The sorcerer was casting counter-spells to prevent her from changing completely, but Lilith fought to keep the change going. Nothing could stop her. She screamed the incantation again, “Qi ga ullar brut i-qi libèr qi ouander i-a drag!”

  But then the Ancilla Princeps walked into the room. She yelled something at Ferhdessar and turned towards Lilith, who thought she saw a trace of disgust on Ghalatea’s face. It made her waver long enough to give the sorcerer the upper hand.

  Lilith fell on the floor as a woman. Panting, she pressed her face against the tiles, fighting her feelings of powerlessness. Someone knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. With a jolt, Lilith sat up straight and pushed the person away. Ghalatea let out a yelp when she fell against the table.

  Lilith hadn’t meant for that to happen. She looked over her shoulder and saw that the Ancilla Princeps was rubbing her arm. Whispering apologies, she crawled towards Ghalatea. But Ferhdessar stopped her, so she started to scream, “I’m sorry, Ghalatea! That wasn’t supposed to happen!”

  The Ancilla Princeps got up and took a step in her direction. Ferhdessar stopped her as well.

  “Let her be. This woman is a murderer. She has killed thousands of people.”

  Confused, Ghalatea looked from the sorcerer to Lilith. Then she backed away a few steps. Lilith hit her own throbbing head with the palm of her hand.

  “I didn’t have a choice,” she stammered.

  Ghalatea stared at her with wide open eyes. Then she stepped sideways so that Ferhdessar’s body shielded her. Lilith moaned because her headache was getting worse. She cursed Seraph for showing up. Now she had lost everything.

  “I was onl
y a child,” she whispered in defeat. “A child who did everything he asked of her, because she didn’t know what else to do. She had learned that it was best to obey. How could I understand the implications of what he asked of me? How could I have an opinion about it? I only knew what he had told me and I was only twelve when I destroyed the first village.”

  She was down on her hands and knees and looked up through strands of her hair to see how the others reacted. Ghalatea was trembling, Ferhdessar seemed unmoved.

  “Is Seraph your master?”

  “No, but he was involved. The sorcerer told me what I was expected to do. He controlled me. Seraph was his right-hand man.” Lilith was now standing upright. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ghalatea. I hope you can believe that.”

  The Ancilla Princeps looked away. “But you do admit that you’re guilty of the things you’re being accused of?”

  “I wish I could tell you that I’m innocent, but that would be a lie,” Lilith sighed.

  “Don’t you feel any remorse?”

  “You have no idea how terrible I feel. But who can I beg for forgiveness? Those who have the right to judge me are no longer alive. I have to live with the knowledge of what I’ve done. That’s my punishment: knowing that I’m a monster and knowing that I didn’t have a choice. But I don’t blame you for not understanding.”

  Ferhdessar shook his head. “Nothing but a bunch of lies. I think you wilfully agreed and now you’re trying to justify yourself.” Lilith shrugged feebly.

  “You should tell them the rest of the story as well,” Ghalatea urged her.

  “I know,” Lilith answered.

  Suddenly she felt completely calm. She was going to tell her story in the hope that Ghalatea would understand, but also in the hope that the king would decide against handing her over. Ferhdessar put his hand on her shoulder.

  “Before we go to the king, I want to have your amulet.”

  Lilith wanted to object but she knew his demand was warranted. Even if she promised that she wouldn’t use it, Ferhdessar wouldn’t believe her. And why should he? Lilith raised her hand, but the sorcerer pulled her arms behind her back.

  “Ghalatea will take it from you.”

  The Ancilla Princeps was reluctant to touch the necklace.

  “It won’t hurt you, Ghalatea,” Lilith whispered.

  “How do I open it?”

  “There’s a little switch underneath the dragon’s head.”

  Lilith turned her head to give the Ancilla Princeps more room.

  When the gold jewel slid down her neck, Lilith instantly felt weaker. It was as if her power had disappeared along with her necklace. Ferhdessar produced a metal chain and fastened it around her waist. Her hands were shackled, but they weren’t bound nearly as tightly against her body as Lemuel had done. Lilith didn’t put the strength of the metal to the test.

  “Now we’re ready to go to the king.”

  Ferhdessar was holding the end of the chain and pushed her towards the door. The two guards were somewhat surprised when Lilith stepped outside, but when Ferhdessar and Ghalatea followed, they were reassured.

  Yvar was pacing in front of the window but immediately looked up when the sorcerer entered with the prisoner. Ferhdessar said curtly, “She’s willing to talk.”

  The king nodded. Ferhdessar pushed Lilith farther into the room and secured the chain to a ring in the floor. Yvar sat down in a chair at a safe distance from Lilith. He looked at her expectantly. Ferhdessar remained standing and leaned against the mantelpiece. Lilith couldn’t see Ghalatea. She had kept her distance after she had taken the amulet.

  “Have you found out if and how she did what Seraph is accusing her of?” Yvar asked Ferhdessar.

  Ferhdessar nodded but when he handed Yvar the amulet, Lilith said, “Why don’t you ask me directly? I’m a dragon.”

  Yvar regarded her with surprise. “You’re a shapeshifter?”

  Lilith nodded as she fought her resurfacing anger. “Yes, I’m a monster. Are you going to kill me now?” she asked rebelliously.

  Yvar shrugged. “I won’t make any decisions until I’ve heard your story. But the fact that you can change into a dragon doesn’t automatically make me think that you’re a monster.”

  Lilith was taken aback.

  “You know what Seraph is accusing you of?” the king asked her.

  Lilith nodded. “The murder of Peschi and the destruction of his city.”

  “In that case, I would like to hear your side of the story now.”

  “Where should I begin?”

  “Just tell us everything. What’s the first thing you can remember?”

  “My earliest memory is of a dark shadow falling over my cradle. Icy hands lift me up and I feel his cold breath on my cheeks as he talks to me. He takes me away from a soft, warm world where light and darkness take turns, to a dark, cold world underground.”

  She briefly stopped talking. The king nodded at her. His expression was kind and encouraging. When Lilith continued, the words started to come faster and faster. Finally she could tell someone the full story. She gave an elaborate description of the world she had lived in, and recounted everything that had happened. Meanwhile, she thought of Ferhdessar’s accusation that she had participated wilfully. Could she blame him? Her fingers traced the thick scar on her wrist and she thought back to the day that she hadn’t had the courage to take her own life.

  7

  Lilith had retreated to her room and kept banging her head against the cave wall. All the while she was screaming, “I don’t want to do this any more, I can’t do it any more. I hate it, everything. I hate myself.”

  She had just returned from destroying a village, but contrary to all the other people she had killed, these villagers hadn’t tried to run away. They had looked up at her in awe and they had seemed elated. Lilith had burned everyone with one devastating sigh, because she knew that if she didn’t end it at once, she wouldn’t be able to complete her assignment. Up until the very last moment, the people had been overjoyed at her presence. She had flown back home in a state of utter confusion. She felt terrible, because she knew that her master’s words didn’t hold true for these people. They hadn’t been afraid and they hadn’t attacked her. Lilith didn’t understand why the master had wanted them to die or why she had killed them without any mercy.

  She hadn’t noticed that the sorcerer had entered her room. She kept banging her head against the wall. Blood streamed down her forehead, but she didn’t notice that either. Lilith only felt the pain that emanated from her heart and spread through her entire body. When the master spoke, she didn’t look up.

  “I want you to destroy another village, Lilith. Tewarsum lies to the north. Go there now.”

  She knew that he didn’t accept “no” for an answer, but Lilith was worn out. Her inner voice had often told her that what she was doing was wrong. She had always been able to ignore her conscience. But now her inner voice was screaming at her and she could no longer silence it.

  “I can’t do it any more, I can’t. I hate…”

  “Do you hate me? Think carefully, Lilith, I’m all you’ve got. You’re nothing without me. I’m your friend and, therefore, your enemy as well. You might not want to be around me, but at the same time you can’t do without me.”

  As he said that, he pulled her away from the wall. She fell and as she lay on the floor she looked aghast at the man towering over her. His eyes flashed with anger and his mouth was set in a thin line. He squatted down beside her. He produced a dagger from the sleeve of his dark red underclothes. The dagger glittered threateningly in the dim light of the sole oil lamp that illuminated Lilith’s room. “Here you are, Lilith, this is your only way out.”

  She tentatively took the dagger from him. The cold metal was wonderful to the touch. It dispelled the burning pain somewhat. Lilith was still in a panic and couldn’t think straight. She felt her blood flowing through her veins like boiling lava and she thought she could use the knife to cool it down.
She felt the need to let the blood flow from her body, not realizing that would kill her. But it didn’t really matter anyway. Anything would be an improvement over the way she was feeling right now. She twisted the dagger around. The cold metal touched her skin and she pressed down harder until the knife cut through it. Blood immediately started to seep along the metal and down her arm.

  The master reached out at high speed and grabbed hold of Lilith’s wrist. Now she couldn’t continue cutting her wrist open, but she couldn’t pull the blade out of her flesh either. The blood started dripping to the ground faster and faster. It didn’t calm her down, if anything, it only made her even more afraid. The master spoke with an icily calm voice.

  “You know that Jakob will pass judgement on you when you’re dead. Can you be sure He’ll embrace you? Or is He going to punish you for the way you lived your life?”

  The master got up and left the room. Lilith stayed behind, unable to do anything.

  During the days that followed, nobody came to see her. Lilith felt like a prisoner of the caves, of her master and of herself. She tried to decide which was the lesser of the evils, but couldn’t reach a conclusion.

  At times, Lilith thought that, no matter how horrible her life was, whatever was waiting for her after death was probably much worse. At other times, however, Lilith felt like nothing could be worse than the life she was living right now. Her death wish grew until she realized once again that her fate was unbearable either way. She could either live and suffer through it all, or die and end up in the exact same misery. It was an impossible choice to make.

  At long last, her agonizing thoughts slowly faded into the background as they were replaced by pangs of hunger. Lilith sat up but had to remain seated for quite some time before she was able to stand up. She staggered to the dining room, but when she went inside the servi were just getting ready to leave, and all the food was cleared away. She didn’t dare say anything. In her present emotional state, there was no way she could stand her ground against the others.