The Lilith Trilogy Box Set

by Kim ten Tusscher

  Lilith supported herself on the cave wall as she walked back to her room. To her relief she encountered the master and Seraph. Lilith whispered that she was hungry, but the two men walked by without so much as glimpsing at her. She yelled after them, but neither responded. Defeated, she lowered herself down to the floor and continued on hands and knees.

  Lilith spent the next day in her room. Her hunger increased and her mouth was dry. She licked the moisture off the walls but it wasn’t enough to quench her thirst. All of a sudden she realized that she was going to die if this went on any longer.

  She heard her master’s voice. “You’ll go to hell, Lilith. Are you sure you want to die?”

  Lilith turned in his direction and she could even see him sitting there. Full of despair, she crawled towards him, but then she saw that there was no one in her room.

  “No,” she whispered, “I don’t want to die.”

  She repeated the words several times until she was screaming them.

  “No!”

  Jakob had every reason to punish her; for the things she had done or for doubting Him. As long as she was alive, there was a chance she could rectify her sins. She looked at her wrist and rubbed the scab that covered the spot where she had cut herself.

  “For my life”, she whispered, “and for hope.”

  In an all-concealing darkness she destroyed Tewarsum. She didn’t see any people, only buildings, which she burned to the ground. They were lifeless objects that were easy to attack. The people died in their sleep. Lilith didn’t reflect on it, because that was the only way she could survive.

  Early in the morning, the door to Lilith’s room opened. A servus motioned for her to follow him to her master’s chambers. Lilith tried to walk tall but she nevertheless stumbled every now and then.

  The master was having breakfast. Lilith regarded the food he was gobbling down with hungry eyes. Grease dripped down his fingers. She wanted to lick them clean. She’d do anything to alleviate her hunger.

  Without looking up, the sorcerer threw her a half-picked bone. She sunk to her knees and gratefully ate the little amount of flesh that was still on the bone.

  Finally the sorcerer said, “Sit down.”

  She pulled herself up as quickly as she could. The master gave her a plate and nodded as a sign that Lilith was allowed to eat. As she filled her stomach, her mind became empty. She washed the last of her worries away with big gulps of water.

  “I thought you died, but apparently you’ve come back from the dead.”

  She didn’t fail to notice the sardonic look in his eyes and she knew that he enjoyed having so much power over her. It didn’t matter.

  The previous night, Lilith had found a way to shut down her emotions. They didn’t serve any purpose. She had resolved to never feel anything again: no fear for others, no grief about what was happening, and no happiness either. Ever since she had started her destructive flights, she had hardly ever been happy anyway. She wouldn’t trust anyone any more, she no longer had the ability to do so. The only feeling that remained was the need to survive.

  After she had eaten, the master sent Lilith back to her room.

  She fell into a dreamless sleep that was only interrupted when she had to throw up. After having been empty for such a long time, her stomach just couldn’t hold the large amount of food.

  “Why did you escape in the end?”

  Lilith was startled from her thoughts. It had turned dark outside and she wondered where she had left off with her story. Her thoughts had distracted her from the story she was telling.

  “What happened that finally made you leave?” Ferhdessar repeated.

  Lilith bowed her head and stared at the glass in her hands. She couldn’t remember getting it, but it was almost empty, so she must have drunk from it.

  Ferhdessar was asking her about the moment when she had decided to escape. After the attack on Tewarsum she had simply obeyed the master’s wishes for quite some time. She had become an emotionless machine that did what others told her to do. The master had used her to violently force entire regions to convert themselves to Jakob’s religion.

  Lilith had been schooled in this religion since her early childhood. The master had often said he was “preparing” her. But she still didn’t know exactly what he meant by that. Preparing her to help him bring people together in this faith? Or preparing her for Jakob’s return to this world? Because that was her master’s goal. Jakob had abandoned the world during the Second Era, but now He had promised the master that He would return. First, however, harmony had to be restored to the world. The divide that had begun during the Second Era and had widened during the Third, had to be undone. In the end, the master had even allowed Lilith to move out of the caves to assist him in fulfilling his task.

  “One day I found a boy who was being attacked by a lion…”

  “You’ve already told us about Myar,” the king said, “and then you told us about the inn you worked at for a while.”

  Lilith nodded. She had saved Myar and he had been grateful. Unlike everybody else, he hadn’t had any preconceptions about her. This had never happened before. The encounter with the boy had planted the first seeds of doubt in her heart since her attack on Tewarsum.

  After that, she had worked at an inn for a while. This experience had taught her that her life could be very different. The people at the inn had always treated her with respect. But it was a hot summer afternoon when she finally decided that enough was enough. Lilith drained her glass and started talking again.

  “I was in bed with a high fever. My body felt like it was on fire and every movement cost me too much energy. The master came by and ordered me to take flight and destroy Peschi’s city.

  His words slowly sank in: I was going to have to move house again, and I’d be back to square one. I begged him to postpone his plans, because I truly was too ill to even get out of bed. His voice, however, became more commanding. I tried to get up but collapsed, feeling exhausted. I couldn’t find the strength to get back up again. With great strides my master walked up to me and dragged me outside by my hair. I was even too weak to scream for him to stop. Outside he cried out the incantation.

  I reluctantly flew to the city. From the sky, I saw that the servi had already begun their attack on the ground. I wanted to go back to bed as soon as possible, so I immediately destroyed the pontifex’s palace. He came running out, and when I hit him he was turned into a little pile of smouldering ashes. The fever rushed me and heated my body, but my heart was cold.

  The master observed everything from a nearby hill. As soon as the city was destroyed, he turned around contentedly and left the area.

  Then it hit me that this was my chance to escape. It would be days before he came looking for me, because he was busy with other things. He was expecting me to find a new place to live, and so I did. Only not the way he thought I would.

  Extending all my energies, I managed to fly east. Exhausted, I looked for a place to hide. My illness was getting worse and in my delirium I thought I heard his voice. But he didn’t find me, and I recovered.

  I decided not to change any more. Even though I would be faster as a dragon, it would also mean that the master would know where I was. So I plodded on. Pretty soon, I noticed that I was being followed by a group of men. I couldn’t take on all five of them, so I did my utmost to stay ahead of them. I crossed the mountains in the south and ended up in this country.”

  Now that her story was finished, Lilith looked up at the others. The king and Ferhdessar looked at each other but didn’t say anything. Ghalatea’s cheeks were wet with tears. Lilith wondered if it was disgust or pity showing on her face. The Ancilla Princeps was still keeping her distance. Lilith couldn’t blame her but she longed for Ghalatea’s embrace. She needed it now more than ever.

  Suddenly the king broke the silence. “This was definitely not what I was expecting. I will address both you and Seraph tomorrow and pass my judgement. I take it that Ferhdessar already expla
ined to you why the five men have come.”

  Lilith nodded. “I beg you lord, don’t hand me over to them. I’ll do anything you ask. You can make me work here for the rest of my life.” Then she looked at Ferhdessar and whispered, “I’m even willing to participate in your experiments. As long as I don’t have to return to my master.”

  There was another prolonged silence. The king was staring into the fire. Then he said, “I can’t make any decisions right now.”

  Lilith sighed. Two soldiers entered and undid the chain from the ring in the floor. Then they escorted her from the room.

  “I swear that I ran away to never have to do anything like that again. I want to make amends, lord Yvar,” she yelled over her shoulder.

  Ghalatea followed her. Lilith was surprised that the Ancilla Princeps even came into her room. But when she raised her hand to touch her, Ghalatea started back.

  “I would never hurt you, Ghalatea. It was a mistake that I attacked you before. I was convinced it was Ferhdessar who was touching me.”

  The Ancilla Princeps gave an uncertain shrug.

  “Do you know what’s going to happen next?” Lilith asked, sounding scared.

  “Lord Yvar and Ferhdessar will deliberate on what to do. I have no idea what their decision will be.”

  Lilith bowed her head and sat down on the bed. “And you, do you think I’m a monster now?”

  Ghalatea pulled at a piece of thread from her veil, but when she noticed that she was unpicking the embroidery, she stopped. “I have no idea what to think of you.”

  “Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.”

  “I can’t.”

  Lilith nodded her understanding. Of course Ghalatea wouldn’t want to be alone with her. Her fears had come true: she had lost everything. Then she pulled herself together, it had always been that way, this wasn’t any different.

  She buried her head in her hands and clasped her hair with her fingers. She heard Ghalatea leave. The soldiers freed Lilith from her chains, but she didn’t look up until the door had closed. She was alone, even the soldiers had left the room. She sunk to her knees and started to pray:

  “Lord Jakob, why have You deserted me? I need Your help now more than ever. All I wanted to do was to stop everything. Why did Seraph find me? You could have sent him in another direction, couldn’t You? Was I really carrying out Your will when I murdered all these people? Did You really choose me to serve You like that? I found that hard to believe, but if this is what You want from me, then please give me a sign and I will obey You. However difficult it might be. Lord Jakob, help me! Give me clarity!” Shivering, she rolled on her side and slowly fell asleep.

  Hours later she jolted awake.

  “Seraph!”

  She cast a quick look at the door, but it was still closed. She flinched when she heard the same loud bang that had woken her up. Just when she had convinced herself that it had been the wind, she heard footsteps in the corridor.

  “He has come,” she whispered.

  She hid herself behind her bedside cabinet and heard the door open. She cautiously peeked around the cabinet. In the doorway stood Ferhdessar, who was regarding her intently. Lilith wasn’t sure whether she should be relieved or not.

  “What has lord Yvar decided?” she squeaked.

  “Nothing yet,” he answered curtly and left again.

  Trembling, Lilith got up and pulled open the curtains. There were frost flowers on the windows. She breathed on them and wiped away the ice to be able to look out through the tiny glass panes.

  There was no indication that dawn was approaching. The almost full moon shone on the snow far below her. The moon was like a silent friend in the night. Her only friend, and the one who had almost always been with her during her most painful moments. Lilith rattled the windows but wasn’t surprised to find they were locked. She looked down once more. How nice it would have been to step out into the night. To feel the cold wind on her body as she fell faster and faster until she hit the ground. Would there be pain or would a pleasant nothingness await her in death? She banged on the window with the flat of her hand. What was the use thinking about it when she couldn’t escape anyway?

  Lilith walked to the table but changed her mind when she was about to sit down. She threw the chair into the window. The glass shattered. The room was immediately filled with cold air. The soldiers came rushing in. They cast one look at the window and then at her. Lilith was already down on her knees. She had seen at a single glance that the frames had remained undamaged. The two men deliberated briefly and then one of them walked towards the window. When he had made sure there was no way for Lilith to escape, the soldiers picked up the biggest shards of glass and left the room.

  Not much later Lilith crawled in the direction of the wall, feeling her way around. She had such a severe headache that she couldn’t see clearly. Then her fingers touched a cold piece of glass. She sat up straight and jabbed it into her wrist. The pain cleared her head. Her headache receded and she looked at the blood trickling down her arm and onto the floor. In the moonlight it looked like a black stripe running down her white skin. She realized that suicide wasn’t the answer, but nevertheless jabbed the shard into her arm a few more times. More blood dripped onto the floor. Her mind was freed from all emotions. Feeling completely empty, Lilith eventually fell asleep on the floor.

  She didn’t wake up until her door opened. Ferhdessar took one look inside and turned back to the soldiers.

  “Why didn’t you warn me?” he roared.

  As the men were defending themselves without much conviction, a woman slipped past the sorcerer. Lilith sat up when she kneeled beside her. The woman didn’t say anything but shook her head disconcertedly as she took hold of Lilith’s arm to have a better look at the cuts. Ferhdessar came in, lifted Lilith up and laid her on the bed.

  “Do you have any other shards anywhere?” he asked sternly.

  Lilith hadn’t even considered using them as a weapon, so she shook her head. “It must be somewhere on the floor.”

  He briefly glanced at where she had lain and then said to the woman, “Get her ready to see the king.”

  “Where’s Ghalatea?” Lilith asked warily.

  “She has decided that she doesn’t want to see you any more. Betrys is taking over her duties.”

  Lilith sighed. The woman now grabbed hold of her other hand. There were cuts on the inside. Lilith hadn’t even noticed that she had injured herself there as well.

  Ferhdessar kept a close eye on her. When Betrys had helped her out of her clothes and Lilith was standing beside the bed naked, Ferhdessar walked around her. She bowed her head and closed her eyes. When the sorcerer had ensured himself that she wasn’t hiding any shards of glass, he addressed the soldiers. He once again grumbled at them that they should use their brains next time.

  “She’s ready,” Betrys finally said.

  Ferhdessar turned around. After he had put Lilith in chains again, he motioned that both women should follow him to the throne room. Betrys supported Lilith, because her legs had gone weak now that she was about to hear the king’s judgement.

  Only when her chain was secured to a ring in the floor again, did Lilith look up. Rays of light fell through the high windows and onto the still empty throne. On both sides of the room, ten soldiers stood against the wall. A few yards away stood the five Purified men. They started talking to one another quietly when they saw her. Seraph monopolized the conversation and kept staring at her intently. If it was Jakob’s wish, she would soon be leaving the palace with him.

  “This, indeed, is the woman we’re looking for, lord Ferhdessar. She has killed our families.”

  The sorcerer walked on and didn’t even look up. Betrys also left Lilith’s side. Now she was standing all alone in the middle of the room. She shook her head in response to the allegations.

  “Just you wait, woman. You’ll soon be coming with us and then we will punish you.”

  Lilith looked at Fe
rhdessar in despair, but the sorcerer was ignoring them. Anger welled up inside her. Maybe the king believed these men.

  “You’re all just as responsible for what happened as I am,” she snapped at them.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lilith,” Seraph answered confidently. He walked towards her, but before he had gone as far as three paces, Ferhdessar called out, “Stay away from the prisoner.”

  Right at that moment the king entered, escorted by several members of his Guard. The soldiers lined up behind Yvar when he sat down. Lilith instantly threw herself on the floor.

  “Lord Yvar, I beg you to not hand me over to these men. I swear that I’ve told you the truth. I deserve to be punished, but they are not the right people to execute my punishment.”

  She cautiously looked up. The king glanced at her arms and leaned towards Ferhdessar, who told him what had happened the night before.

  “Woman, stand up,” the king eventually ordered.

  She obeyed as quickly as she could.

  Seraph shook his head scornfully. “Don’t be taken in by her politeness, lord. Don’t make the same mistake we have.”

  Yvar gave him an angry look and the Purified one fell silent. The men quickly bowed.

  “Woman, do you know these men?”

  Lilith told the king their names. She ended with Seraph. “He was almost always accompanying my master.”

  “Come on, you don’t believe a word of that do you, lord Yvar?” Seraph said in defence and threw his hands up in the air.

  The king addressed him. He related what Lilith had told him the other day about the attack on Peschi’s city.

  “They’re all lies,” Seraph called out.

  The king nodded. Lilith wanted to say something, but Ferhdessar’s gaze made her think twice. Yvar continued, “There’s something that’s bothering me, but maybe you can help me out, Seraph. How is it possible that this woman knows you all so well? And it seems you know her, too. How can she know your names if she came to the city like a thief in the night to destroy it?”