by Rina Kent
Of someone who has nothing before him or after him.
The harder he pounds into me, the tighter I hold on to him.
I’m sore and it hurts slightly, but that’s the last thought on my mind right now.
Xander isn’t the only one who’s desperate. I am, too.
I’ve waited for him for so long, it almost feels unreal now, like maybe I’ll wake up and all of this will be a dream.
If it is a dream, then I have no interest in waking up.
I can be trapped here for eternity, thank you very much.
“You’re so beautiful, Green.” His eyes hold mine captive as his cock owns me. “You’ve been driving me fucking insane.”
I don’t know if it’s his words or his rhythm, but I come undone in a minute. The record time would be embarrassing if I had the clarity of mind to care about that.
Xander’s name is the only thing on my lips as I reach that peak, that place of freedom. There’s no fog here, no pain. Just a pure high.
“Say it again,” he grunts.
“What?”
“My name.”
“Xan.” I brush my lips against his. “I missed you, Xan.”
He groans as his back turns rigid and he joins me over the edge.
Xander brings my bandaged wrist to his mouth and kisses it so tenderly, it actually hurts.
Not physically, but emotionally. The fact that he sees it, that he saw it even when I refused to see it myself, makes me want to hide.
But I don’t hide, not from him.
He’s been the only one I could never hide from.
“I missed you, too, Green.”
31
Xander
Cole wasn’t wrong to call me a watcher.
I am. It’s not something I can resist.
My gaze follows Kim as she disappears into her house, a huge grin on her face.
Her flushed, reddened face that I haven’t gotten my fill of.
The face that will never leave my vicinity, even if she wants to.
Now that all those facts have come to light, I’ve passed the watcher state and gone into a different type of category.
Addiction.
There’s a difference between being obsessed and watching from afar and the inability to stop thinking about something.
It’s even worse than alcohol because that addiction only started to kill this addiction.
Needless to say, it’s not working.
“Turn around,” I whisper to myself as I stand by my front door.
If it were up to me, she wouldn’t leave my bed for…years, that’s about right.
We’ll begin with the seven years I resisted her and me and everything that made sense, and I’ll multiply them for recompensation.
And then I’ll tie her to me because there’s no way in fuck she’s staying out of my sight now.
Kim stops at the threshold and glances over her shoulder, trapping the corner of her lip under her teeth.
Fuck me.
“You’re killing me, Green,” I mouth.
She smiles. It’s a special one, her smile. There’s still pain in that green gaze, so much bottled pain that I know won’t be healed magically, but she still fights. She still wants to smile and be normal. She still gives her entire heart and secretly believes in magic, and that’s probably why she has that much pain.
That pain will be mine now, just like the rest of her.
I remain there like a fucking idiot long after she disappears inside.
After I fucked her in the shower this morning, I had a perfect plan to spend the day between her legs. But as much as Kim enjoys pain, she was sore to the point of moving funny.
So I came up with plan B – kissing her entire body, worshipping her mouth, then moving on to her cunt.
However, that plan can wait until she gets something she needs after being discharged from the hospital – going out, being out there, and believing in the confidence she’s slowly building without even realising.
That’s why I suggested the date. I smile at how her eyes rounded the moment I said ‘date’, but then she said Kirian is feeling bad and she’ll have to spend time with him. Now, it’s a date for three. Not that I mind. Kirian can be bribed by games and brownies.
That’s why she went back home – for a change of clothes and to get Kirian.
I go inside and pour myself a cup of coffee. I search under the cupboard for a bottle of liquor, anything will do. It doesn’t have to be vodka.
Even whiskey is game about now.
I slam the cupboard shut after recalling that Daddy dearest banned them from the house. I run a hand over my brows. People feel headaches after hangovers; I feel them when I don’t have my morning ‘coffee’.
“No alcohol. Get used to it.” Dad stands by the stairs. For the first time in ever, there’s no actual malice behind his words.
He’s wearing his pyjamas – that’s another first. Even if it’s the weekend, Dad always finds a dinner here, a charity there, a brunch somewhere.
Every occasion is a way in with people, and people are his speciality.
Just not this person right here.
“You know I actually keep a stash everywhere, right?” I lift an eyebrow. “Ahmed can’t find all of them.”
“I know that.” He rubs his jaw. “That’s why you’re going to rehab.”
“Sure thing, Dad,” I say with sarcasm. “I’ll finish whatever program then come back to do what I’m good at: ruining your career.”
“Ruining my career?” he repeats with the same level of my sarcasm. “Can’t you understand you’re ruining your life, not my career?”
I’m not an idiot. I know that. “If it’s a step closer to the great Lewis Knight’s fall, I’m happy to make sacrifices.”
For a second, he says nothing, just continues watching me as if I’m his worst enemy but also his closest ally. His life is lonely like that, despite all his party’s members and what-the-fuck-ever, he trusts no one.
“How about her?”
His question makes me pause. “Her?”
“Kim.” He rubs his jaw again before letting his arm fall to his side. “What do you have to offer her if you ruin your life? Her mental state is complicated enough. I won’t allow you to make it worse. Calvin won’t either.”
His true colours are showing now. At the end of the day, his actual biological child is the one who matters.
Dad has always asked about her, made sure she’s well taken care of, and he told Ahmed she and Kirian have free access to our house.
When she was hospitalised, I heard Calvin talking to him a few times. Dad barely finds the time to eat, so it’s a surprise he called someone outside of his work circle. And not just anyone – Calvin.
For years, he’s been showing his care in a subtle way like a doting uncle. Because his career doesn’t allow him to be obvious about an illegitimate child.
Well, since Dad doesn’t like surprises, time to ruin his morning.
“She knows,” I say.
“She knows what?”
“That you’re her father, just like I know you’re not mine.”
He remains silent, but his face doesn’t change.
“Wait. You already know?”
“Calvin told me.”
“Right.” I scoff. “Since when did you two keep your line of intel open?”
“That’s not important right now.”
“Of course, you’re important. Your career. Your fucking elections. Your party. Is that why you didn’t face her? Because you’re scared to tell her that your political career comes before everyone else, her included?”
“I didn’t tell her for the exact reason you need to stop drinking. Her mental state doesn’t need any more pressure right now.”
“Sure, I believe you.”
“Xander,” he says my name with that impatient tone like I’m the last thing he wants to deal with. “You think it was easy for me to give up my daughter? My own flesh and blood? It was th
e hardest decision I’ve made in my life, but at least I get to see her, talk to her, and make sure she’s fine. Calvin said she’s still fragile. I won’t allow you to make it worse.”
“Did your pen pal Calvin perhaps mention that I knew, too? For fucking seven years, if I may add.”
“Language.”
“Fuck that, Dad. Oh, wait, you never were. And the worst part is, I didn’t need a DNA test to figure that out.” I stride towards him and point a finger at his chest. “You stopped being my father the day Mum left because of you.”
Then I storm out of the house. Dad calls after me, but I consider it as if he doesn’t exist.
I take deep breaths before I go to pick up Kim and Kir. They don’t need to see me on the verge of combusting.
The Mazda comes into view and then I see the fucking bastard who used to call himself my friend.
He’s pinching Kim’s cheek and grinning down at her like in some cliché film.
My first thought is to break his arm.
Forget it. That’s not only my first thought, it’s all the thoughts running rampant in my head.
No one touches her now, not him and not anyone else.
Although I’ve often had those thoughts before, this is the first time I get to act on them.
Except for kicking Ronan’s arse the other time, or the one before that. If he keeps doing this, he’ll get himself fucking killed by me.
I march towards them as they chat happily about something. What, I have no idea. All I know is that I hate whatever they’re talking about.
Instead of punching him in the face like a part of me wants to, I just shove him away, grab Kim by the arm, and hug her to my side. My hand grabs the curve of her waist in a possessive hold.
A slight shiver goes through her and reaches me through our clothes. I avoid looking at her because that’ll soften me up and I need all my harshness to deal with this fucker.
“Bonjour, Knight.” He grins, then narrows his eyes. “Now let go of my Kimmy. I was inviting her to a date.”
“She’s not your Kimmy.” I pull her even closer to me until there’s no line that separates her tiny body from mine.
“Of course, she is. It’s not like you –”
“She’s mine.” I cut him off.
A huge weight lifts off my chest as I say those words. I can’t even recall how long I’ve bottled them inside. All I know is that it’s been so long that the inability to say them became painful at some point.
I chance a look at Kim, but she’s not watching Ronan or the scene. Her entire attention is zeroed on me, lips parted and that spark shining in her deep green eyes.
If they’re an enchanted forest, I’m ready to get lost in there and never be found.
Ronan raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“That’s right.” It’s with reluctance that I wrench my gaze from hers. “Now, shoo and keep your hands off her or I’m beating you the fuck up.”
“You’re forgetting something, Knight.” His lips curve into a smirk. “She went out with me first. Didn’t you, Kimmy?”
“You fucking –” I’m about to lunge at him, but she wraps both her slender hands around my arm. It’s just a touch, but it’s enough to quench all the fire inside.
“Stop it, Ro,” she scolds.
“Fine.” He rolls his eyes, then pins me with a glare. “One fuck-up and I’m taking her. Remember, prince charming is better than a knight in shining armour.”
“Fuck you.” I flip him off for good measure.
“No, thanks.” He waves at us on his way to his car. “Heard Captain has first privilege for that.”
“Fucker,” I mutter under my breath as Kim’s shoulders shake with laughter. “What are you laughing at?”
“The fact that Cole has first privileges. Elsa and Teal told me about how you and Cole were…you know.”
If she knew it was only because of his eye colour, she’d probably think I’m a freak, so I keep that bit of info to myself. “And you’re laughing because…?”
“I don’t know. It’s kind of weird but also strangely perverted to imagine you and Cole.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You’ve been imagining me and Cole?”
“No!” She hits my shoulder. “Well, maybe. I mean everyone at school has been talking about it. That doesn’t mean I want it to happen.”
“Why not?”
She lifts a shoulder. “I don’t like thinking about you with other people.”
“Is that why you punched Veronica?”
She winces but plants a hand on her hip. “Maybe I punched her for the same reason you wrestled with Ro.”
“His name is Ronan.”
“What if I like Ro better?”
“Kimberly,” I warn.
She wraps both arms around my waist and buries her head against my side so when she speaks, her voice is slightly muffled. “Say it again.”
“Kimberly?”
“No, the part you told Ronan earlier.”
“You’re mine?”
She nods several times.
I lift her chin so she’s staring at me when I say it this time, “You’re mine, Green. Now and always.”
“Always?”
“Fucking always.”
I lower my head to claim her lips when the clearing of a throat stops me.
Calvin stands at the door, helping Kirian with his backpack. As soon as the little man sees me, he abandons his father and storms towards me to hug my leg. “Xan!”
Kim blushes like a sack of tomatoes as she untangles herself from around me.
“Hey, Superman.” I give him a fist and he blows it.
“Are we going in your car? Are we?”
“Of course.” I throw him the key.
“Yes! I don’t want Kimmy’s car.”
“Hey!” she scolds. “What’s wrong with my car, Monkey?”
“It’s not cool.” He hides behind my leg and gives her a face.
“I’m going to tickle you to death. Here comes the gorilla for the monkey.”
“Nooo!”
She starts chasing him around me while he shrieks and asks me for help.
While I would’ve under different circumstances, I just can’t seem to look away from Calvin.
He’s still there, carrying Kirian’s bag and smiling with warmth at the scene in front of me.
That man is my father. My biological one, at least. Despite all my talk earlier, it’s weird to imagine anyone but Lewis as my father.
Besides, Calvin has always been Kim’s father, and the parent she needs in her life.
Despite his absentee status, he’s always looked at his children as if they’re the only ones who matter. Not like Dad, who only looked back when his family was causing some sort of problem for his career.
Calvin’s gaze meets mine, and his smile doesn’t falter or change. It’s the same warmth, the same care.
I shake my head. I must be imagining things because I didn’t get my usual dose of alcohol.
Calvin is the last thing on my mind, and while I didn’t admit it to Dad, he’s right about how fragile Kim is during this period. We should focus on her, not on any other clusterfuck.
I pick up Kirian and he squeals with delight as I place him over my shoulders.
Kim tries to jump, but she can’t reach him. “Hey! That’s cheating.”
“Team Superman!” he shouts. “Xan, wrestle Kimmy like the other time.”
“Shut up, Kir.” She blushes, voice low.
“But you said it was special wrestling.” He stares at Calvin. “What does special wrestling mean, Dad?”
“No idea, Kir.” Calvin’s smile doesn’t change, hiding his reaction perfectly.
Fuck me. This little man will be the reason for the explosion in Kim’s cheeks.
She snatches the keys from Kirian’s hands and runs to the car. “I’ll start the car up.”
She leaves me alone with Calvin. Perfect. Not awkward at all.
He passes me Kirian’s bag
and I take it from him. In the last second, he keeps it between us and says in a cool tone, “Take care of them and of yourself.”
I give a sharp nod. “Yes, sir.”
His lips curve in a smile. “Calvin’s fine.”
I smile back. “Yes, Calvin.”
32
Kimberly
Healing is a slow, painful process.
For the following week, I discover how weak I actually am. Even when Dad, Elsa, and Xander say otherwise.
I’m weak, because I still hide whenever Mum is in sight. I’m weak, because I’m scared of eating, and whenever I do, I vomit it right back up.
I’m weak, because I’m starting to think I’m a burden to everyone, even when my therapist has been trying to purge those thoughts.
Then in the midst of weakness, like now, he comes in.
Xander.
My knight, even if it’s in a different way than when we were children. He used to carry me on his back, and now, he pulls me to his side as if I’ve always belonged there.
After I return to school, he’s there every step on the way. Without saying any words, he announces to RES’s student body that I’m now his and if anyone breathes in my direction, let alone says anything, they better start preparing their funerals.
He holds my hand and kisses me in the halls as if we’ve been doing it for eternity.
He whispers things into my ears, like how much he misses me, even though I’m right there.
I’ve become so used to his presence, as if we were never separated, as if we’re picking up right where we left off seven years ago. Maybe that’s why whenever he disappears, the fog begins to slowly creep in through the cracks.
Today, I met Silver in the library, and although we didn’t speak, it brought back memories of the times where I hated myself and envied her body.
Through the years, I’ve always wondered why she grew up to be so beautiful while I became a potato. And sometimes, like now, those thoughts return with a vengeance. That’s why I’m hiding in the back garden.
Elsa’s been watching me eat my food and has been following me to the bathroom to make sure I don’t stick my finger down my throat.
Since that infamous night, I haven’t done it, but I can’t help feeling the involuntary need to puke. The doctors say it’s psychological.