by Rina Kent
Eating disorder.
Mental disorder.
Life disorder.
All I want is some solitude to collect myself and go back in there.
I’m not even three minutes in before Xan’s silhouette appears from between the trees. His blond hair is styled back and his Elites’ jacket forms to his bulging muscles. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I’ll look at him and not think he’s blindingly beautiful.
He slides beside me, and I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my lips. I might have wanted solitude, but not from him – never from him.
I let my head drop on his strong bicep. “I thought you guys had a meeting with the team manager?”
“We’re done. Or I’m done, anyway.”
“Are you still suspended?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters.” I lift my head and sniff him, and the waft of alcohol hits me, even though mint comes from his breath. “You’ve been drinking.”
“Define drinking.” He grins, but even that doesn’t charm him into my heart.
“You have a problem, Xan. You need to stop.”
“It’s all under control.”
I reach into his jacket and retrieve the small bottle of Absolut Vodka he usually keeps there. “How are you keeping it under control? You’re like an old alcoholic man.”
He inhales, then tries to snatch it away. I throw it ahead letting it smash to pieces against the asphalt.
“Why the fuck did you do that?” he snaps.
“Because you need to stop.”
“You’re starting to sound like Dad.”
“Well, maybe you should listen to him. Can’t you see that you’re poisoning yourself?”
“No, just like you’re not seeing how you’re starving yourself.”
I pull away from him.
“Fuck.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You’re right, I didn’t see how I was starving myself. I didn’t see how I was slowly hitting rock bottom both emotionally and mentally, but I do now. And the reason I’m not eating is because I don’t want to vomit. It pushes me back to those times and I hate those times. I told Calvin and Elsa about it, though. I also asked the doctor if there are any food supplements I can use. I’m trying, Xan. I just want you to try, too. Don’t throw your life away because of some grudge against Lewis.”
He strokes my cheek and I lean into his hand, briefly closing my eyes. “It’s not only because of Dad.”
I glance at him. “Then what?”
“You know that moment when you think your life has no purpose, and it’s kind of numb? Alcohol and fighting make me feel.”
“Just like cutting made me feel. There was so much pain and sometimes, I couldn’t breathe, and that’s when the cutting and the pills began. They made me feel something other than that pain. They were a pain I could control, a pain that could purge it all out with the blood. The physical cut was more tolerable than the thousand emotional and mental scars I walked with every day. But you know what?”
His finger never leaves my face. “What?”
“When I almost died, I realised how temporary those feelings are. The guilt is way more permanent and long. Besides, I want real feelings, not forced ones through addictions. Don’t you?”
He thins his lips into a line but says nothing.
“What’s more important? Me or alcohol?”
He scoffs. “The alcohol started because of you, Green. I mean, it was my choice, but you’re the reason.”
“Then I’m ending it.”
He smirks. “You’re ending it?”
“Absolutely. Watch me.”
“Meh, I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?”
“Climb on my lap so I can watch you clearly.”
I hit his shoulder. “You’re awful.”
“Come here, Green.” He taps his lap and he doesn’t have to say it twice.
I crawl on top of him so my legs are on either side of his strong thighs and my arms are wrapped around his neck.
“You know, with this position, I can see your underwear.” His lips tilt upward. “Green. Seriously?”
“I thought you’d appreciate it.”
“Oh, I fucking do.” He brushes his lips against mine, then quickly pulls back.
“Tease.”
“You know why I tease you?”
“No.”
“Because you still have an adorable-as-fuck pout.”
“Hey, I’m not a kid anymore.”
“Thank fuck for that.” He thrusts his pelvis and his bulge nestles against my knickers.
He groans in his throat as my thighs shake. God, I think I’m broken. One touch from him and I’m already soaked. Shouldn’t I have gotten more self-control by now?
He grabs my hip with a large hand and claims my mouth with his. My body melts into his hard one as he thrusts his tongue inside and kisses me deep and slow.
From the outside looking in, I must appear so tiny against his body, almost nothing.
“Wait.” I pull away, my head slightly dizzy. “We’re at school.”
“So?” He rubs his cock against my underwear, and I whimper as he gets harder with the contact. “Remember the time I cornered you here at the first day of school this year? You were wearing that short as fuck skirt and Silver spilt coffee on you.”
“How could I forget? You told me to not dress like that.” And it was the first time he got so close in years.
“That’s because I wanted to take you right then and there.” He rotates against me. “You were killing me, Green.”
My throat dries, but I managed to say, “Xan…we’ll be suspended.”
“Not if we’re not caught.”
“But…” I trail off when he dry-humps me.
Oh, God.
“Besides, it’d be worth it.”
“Xan –” My words die out as he claims my lips again.
He rubs his cock against me over and over and I moan in his mouth, being found be damned.
A part of me wants someone to see us, to witness this moment in time, because I want to commemorate it.
I want to paint it on one of those blank canvases and keep it for life.
Xander releases my hip and snakes a hand under my skirt. I tighten, then tremble when he pushes my knickers aside and thrusts a finger inside me.
“Fuck, you’re soaked,” he groans against my lips.
“For you,” I whisper back.
“You’re killing me, Green.”
“And you’re owning me, Xan.”
“Only me?”
“Only you,” I breathe out.
His finger picks up speed and he adds another, filling me and triggering that hazy phase. It’s a phase where everything disappears – no noises, no smells, no sights – at least, not from the outside world.
All I feel is his touch, all I see is his deep ocean eyes, all I hear are his breaths.
Just him. Xan. Once my best friend, then my tormentor, and now, my everything.
“Can you hear the sound of your arousal, Green?” He bites on my lower lip.
My cheeks heat as that sloppy sound heightens the more his fingers come in and go out of me.
“It’s a symphony made only for me,” he murmurs. “You are made only for me.”
I clench around his digits and tremble as the orgasm sweeps over me, then submerges me in its clutches.
How could his words set me on fire without any matches or gasoline?
“You’re so exotic when you come. I want to eat you up.” He kisses my cheek, my forehead, and my nose and finishes with a brush of his lips to mine.
“I can’t believe we did that at school.” I wince, even though I’m still delirious from the orgasm.
He pulls out of me and it feels heartbreakingly empty. I don’t focus on it, though, because Xan brings his fingers up and licks them one by one, without breaking eye contact.
The sam
e fingers that were inside me.
Holy shit.
He’s licking me off him. Why the hell am I so turned on by that?
He places his other thumb in front of my lips, and I don’t hesitate as I lick it, matching his rhythm with mine. The taste of his skin explodes in my mouth, and it’s the best food I’ve had in a long time.
Xander’s lips pull in a smirk around his fingers, his dimples creasing his cheeks. “Mmm. I think I found an alternative to alcohol.”
“Please share.” The masculine voice coming from our right startles us both.
Cole appears out of freaking nowhere, carrying a book. On the Genealogy of Morality by Friedrich Nietzsche.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Captain?” Xander sounds impatient.
“I’m supposed to ask you that. I was reading in peace until you two decided to interrupt it.”
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Please tell me Cole didn’t hear all that. I hide my face in Xander’s shoulder. I won’t be able to look at Cole in the eyes for a lifetime.
“Control your voyeurism tendencies, Nash.” Xan seems completely unaffected, unlike my self-melting state.
“Technically, I saw nothing, so no voyeurism there.” A pause. “I’m thinking you’re developing some exhibitionism tendencies, though.”
“Which is none of your business.”
“You’re right. I lost interest after the truth set you free.”
I squeeze Xander’s shoulder so he’ll urge him to leave. I can’t show my face if he’s over there.
Xan chuckles, then says with utter sarcasm, “But that’ll never be the case for you, Captain.”
There’s a long silence, and I wish I could see the expression on Cole’s face, but I’d rather die than do that right now.
“Come to practice,” he says in a cool tone before his voice disappears altogether.
“Is he gone?” I whisper without looking up.
Xander keeps a hand around my head. “You should stay like this a bit more, just to make sure.”
I smile, my fingers digging into his jacket. When we were kids, he’d always invent games to make me hug him or him hug me. He said it tuned out the outside world chaos.
Seven years later, he still has that habit of manipulating his way into my arms.
“You still love hugs, Xan?”
“Only from you, Green.”
33
Kimberly
Another week passes in a blur.
Time is strange. One moment, it’s long and excruciating and the next, it’s so fast you can’t savour it.
When my therapist asks why I think I feel like it’s moving fast now, I don’t even hesitate to answer.
It’s because I have the most important people with me, and it frightens me that I’m not savouring my time with them enough.
While Mum and I still don’t address each other whenever we meet by accident in the house, everything else is different.
Dad never went back to Brussels and has taken a long leave; he’s putting in his papers to ask for a transfer to London. When I told him I was fine, he said he wasn’t, and I might have hugged him to death.
There’s also Elsa, who’s been listening to my jumbled thoughts and things I didn’t like to admit out loud, like how I hid because I thought she’d leave me the same way all those I considered friends did.
She said I’m stuck with her for life.
I also have my little happy pill, Kirian. He’s been writing poems for me. One of them says:
I don’t say this a lot.
Because I’m a big man.
Love you.
Now.
Tomorrow.
Forever.
He also took my hand and made me eat with him – small bites instead of large ones so I don’t end up in the toilet.
Lewis visited, too, and I crossed paths with him in the Knights’ household. He didn’t address our biological relationship, but he told me he’s there for me if I need him.
But above anyone else, there’s this person who’s now hugging me from behind as I snuggle between his legs. The one who kisses my body from top to bottom and tells me I’m the most exquisite thing he’s ever seen.
I’m beginning to believe him, too, because even if words can lie, the look in his eyes can’t. The way his body reacts to me, the way he hugs me definitely can’t either.
He’s just that person, the one you know you can close your eyes with and when you wake up, he’ll be there.
We’ve been going to the places where we played as kids. We’ve visited every park and every shop and goofed around with scarfs and pistachio gelato and M&M’s. I might have eaten my weight in them by now.
Being with Xander is like finally finding a missing piece of myself and slowly sewing it back in place.
I’m still trying to have him quit drinking and fighting, though. The fights have become sparse since I keep him ‘busy’ – his words, not mine. But he still sneaks alcohol into his juice and coffee. He still wakes up in the middle of the night to drink on the balcony.
Every time he returns and hugs me from behind, I bite my tongue to not start a fight.
I can’t lose him now that I’ve found him, and the alcohol is slowly but surely taking him away from me.
“Just so you know, I would rather have you underneath me right now.” His breath dances on the shell of my ear as he speaks. “Or above me. I’m not picky as long as I’m inside you.”
My face heats and I discreetly elbow him. “Stop it.”
“Or we can leave.”
“No, we agreed to this.”
“We can always change our minds.”
I shake my head. Did I mention he always tries to get what he wants whichever way he sees fit?
We agreed to watch the game with everyone else in Aiden’s house. We kind of interrupted this habit after he got together with Elsa for the same reason Xander now wants to leave. Aiden is so possessive about Elsa and her time, he doesn’t like other people around when they’re together.
Elsa said he only approved of this night because he’s having her do something later as payment for it.
Even now, he has her on his lap and his hand wrapped around her waist. He’s not watching the game. Instead, he keeps whispering things in her ear that sometimes make her blush something fierce. But most of the time, she’s an expert at keeping an indifferent expression.
Unlike me.
Ronan, Knox, Teal, and Cole are here, too. And I still can’t look the latter in the eyes without feeling flustered. I can’t get over the fact that he heard me and Xander the other time at school.
Ronan and Knox are standing and fighting like die-hard fans – for different teams. Ronan – and everyone else here – cheers for Arsenal, and Knox prefers Chelsea.
Knox doesn’t seem to be scared about being outnumbered as he threatens to end Ronan’s life.
“You’re going down, Astor.” Knox makes a motion of slicing his throat.
“Stop acting like a certain goth and admit that we’re stronger than you.”
Teal, who the jab is directed to, doesn’t even look up from her phone. Her T-shirt for the day reads, Nope. Not Today.
She’s sitting beside Cole, who’s leaning his head against his hand and watching the game with a neutral expression.
Now and then, he tells Teal something that she answers with a simple nod and no words.
Teal doesn’t care for football or the school’s hierarchy, so she can’t be here because she’s delighted by the horsemen’s company. If anything, I think she secretly dislikes all of them – except for Cole, because she speaks to him sometimes and doesn’t give him that ‘why are you talking to me’ look.
She must’ve tagged along because of Elsa and Knox. While she doesn’t show it, she’s a bit attached to them.
“Just admit it.” Knox jabs Ronan’s shoulder. “We’re stronger than you.”
“Someone should take away your delusional pills becaus
e last I checked, we’re winning.”
“We’ll turn the game.”
“And we’ll score one more and win.”
“It’s definitely your weed speaking, Astor.”
“Mais non. It’s your delusional pills.” Ronan’s gaze meets mine. “Isn’t that right, Kimmy?”
Xander motions at him with a dismissive finger. “Finish your game and don’t address her until the end of your life.”
I smile to myself. Someone is jealous. No idea why that makes me so giddy.
“Are you sure you won’t change your mind and marry me?” Ronan counts on his fingers. “I have a title, I’m rich, beautiful and don’t care about wars. I’m like the Switzerland of this world.”
Teal scoffs and says in a mocking tone, “That must be why you’re called Death.”
Cole’s lips lift in a smirk.
“What was that, ma belle?” Ronan grins with no humour.
“She’s calling you Death.” Cole is still leaning on his hand as he stares between Teal and Ronan. “Maybe you should prove it.”
“Yes, prove it,” Aiden speaks for the first time tonight, finally lifting his head from Elsa’s ear.
“We can think of ways.” Cole proposes.
“Or we can make them.” Aiden raises an eyebrow.
“I might have a suggestion.”
“Or two.”
“We can start right now.”
“Yes, let’s make this night a bit more fun.” The smirk on Aiden’s face shines with pure sadism.
Cole, however, remains serene. Unaffected even.
The most boggling thing is that during that back and forth, Aiden and Cole never looked at each other or exchanged glances. They were plotting mayhem without any prior plan.
Talk about team play. Or maybe it’s more than that between those two.
“I agree.” Xan’s voice comes from behind me with mischievousness.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
“Making Ronan pay by throwing him in front of those two.” He brushes a kiss against the lobe of my ear. “Watch and learn, Green.”
Ronan flips off Xander, who returns it with a huge grin, as if he’s been waiting for this his entire life.