Guilty Hearts

by Jade Winters

  “It’s alright for you, I’m the one who has to answer the phone to her,” Rachel said, opening the fridge and grabbing a small bottle of water.

  “Unplug it!” Zoe replied, moving towards the table, tightening the grey cord around her tracksuit bottoms as she did.

  “Why are you being so bloody pigheaded? Is this all because she wanted a night out?” Rachel asked, unscrewing the cap and drinking straight from the bottle.

  “It’s not just about that,” Zoe sighed.

  “Then what is it?”

  Zoe sank onto the kitchen chair and tilted her head back at a forty-five degree angle. “I want more than what she’s offering.”

  “Like?” Rachel urged as she joined her at the table, placing the bottle on a coaster.

  “Like ... a relationship,” Zoe said, snapping her head back down. “Alright, there I said it, I want a relationship with her. One to one and all the sloppy crap that goes with it.”

  Rachel tried to suppress the smile that was fighting its way to her mouth. “So what’s the problem?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? She doesn’t want one,” Zoe said, scratching the back of her head before rubbing her hand over it.

  “Is that what she said?”

  “Not exactly, no but —”

  “So how do you know?” Rachel asked, drawing her feet up on to the chair.

  “I just do.”

  “Come on, Zoe, you can’t go around making statements like that without having anything to back it up.”

  “Alright then how about this.” Zoe paused. Then, using her index finger to emphasise each point, she said, “She has never invited me to her place! We’ve never done anything but have sex and a take away! Every time I talk about the future she changes the subject! Need I go on?”

  “Okay, if I’m honest that doesn’t sound too good, but —” Rachel pondered for a moment.

  Zoe inclined her head. “But what?” she said, her voice flat.

  “Maybe she’s just a slow mover.”

  “Don’t make me laugh. We slept together the first night we met,” Zoe spat, her head jerking up.

  “Yes, I remember it well,” Rachel said, clearing her throat. “Anyway, I’m not talking about in that department, I meant emotionally. For Pete’s sake, Zoe, you’re a therapist, surely you should have firsthand knowledge when it comes to people’s emotions and how they express them.”

  “I do when it comes to clients, it’s more difficult when I’m so close to the action.”

  “Take it from me, the fact that she keeps calling you tells me that she feels more for you than she’s letting on.”

  “Do you think so?”

  “Yes I do — look, why don’t you just talk to her, get it all out in the open? Then at least you’ll know where you stand.”

  “No way! I know exactly what will happen, she’ll start fluttering those eyelashes at me and before I know it we’ll end up in bed and back to square one.”

  “Hiding from her isn’t going to help matters.”

  “I just don’t understand what she wants.”

  Rachel started to answer but the sound of the doorbell ringing interrupted their conversation.

  Rachel shot her a confident look. “I think you’re about to find out.”

  “Don’t tell me that’s her,” Zoe said frantically as Rachel slid back her chair. “Don’t open it, I look a mess!”

  “Don’t be silly, you look beautiful.”

  “I’m going to kill you for this,” Zoe said, standing and tucking her vest into her tracksuit bottoms.

  “No you won’t, you’ll thank me later,” Rachel replied as she stepped towards the door.

  CHAPTER 32

  Though Kathryn was on her fourth glass of wine of the night, the alcohol had failed miserably in numbing her emotions. As she sat in Jo’s living room, she could feel the tears start to form in her eyes.

  “It’s okay to cry,” Jo said, sitting down next to her and pulling Kathryn into her arms. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “No, it’s not,” Kathryn snivelled. “I’ve ruined a decent man’s life, and for what?”

  “I don’t know, Kath, but I know you wouldn’t have left unless you needed to.”

  “Has my whole life been a lie?”

  “Of course it hasn’t — you loved him once, you’ve just fallen out of love with him. It happens unfortunately.”

  “Oh God, I must look such a mess,” Kathryn said, rising to her feet and inspecting her mascara-stained face in the living room mirror.

  “You resemble Rudolph,” Jo playfully tapped the tip of Kathryn’s red nose, “but the rest of you is fine, your life is fine.”

  “How can you say that? I’ve just left my husband.”

  “Who you don’t love,” Jo pointed out.

  “That’s beside the point.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes, look at all he’s done for me.”

  Jo pulled Kathryn towards her, holding her at arm’s length. “Right, so just because someone has done things for you, you’re obliged to live the rest of your life in misery. Is that it?”

  Kathryn raised her eyes to meet Jo’s. “I would hardly call my life miserable. I just wasn’t happy.”

  Jo began to pace the room, her growing frustration obvious. “Kathryn, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but Gareth really isn’t the knight in shining armour you like to make him out. Jesus, Kath, you were eighteen when he met you. He took advantage of a young innocent girl.”

  “No,” Kathryn said, blowing her nose.

  “Yes,” Jo said more forcefully, as she turned to face her. “He knew you were lacking security and he groomed you. He knew exactly how to draw you in and you fell for it hook, line and sinker.”

  “But he loves me, and I’ve let him down.”

  “I’ve no doubt that he loves you in some strange fashion, but the only person you’ve let down is yourself,” Jo said, sitting back down and taking her face in her hands. “Listen to me, Kathryn, you get one shot at this life, just one, and you’ve got to live it to the max. Remember what we use to say when we were younger?”

  Kathryn nodded. “No regrets,” she said softly, barely audible.

  “That’s right, live your life for you — nobody else. Do you want to go back?”

  Kathryn shook her head.

  “Then don’t, you can stay here as long as you want.”

  “No, I don’t want to infringe on your space.”

  “You wouldn’t be, we’d love having you here.”

  Kathryn managed a faint smile. “Thanks, but I need to stand on my own two feet. I’m going to rent a place for a few months until I find something I want to buy.”

  “And what are you going to do about Gareth?”

  “I don’t know, I really don’t,” she said as she burst into tears again.

  CHAPTER 33

  Gareth had finally given in and reached out to his brother. As much as he hated having to lean on anybody, there was no choice — he felt as though he was on the verge of a breakdown. Looking around the home he had shared with his wife for the past ten years, he felt a sharp twinge in his chest. This is all my own fault! The pain vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Wasn’t he the one responsible for putting the temptation in front of her in the first place? It was equivalent to putting a mouse in front of a cat and expecting the cat to ignore it. Attraction was all about instincts and the woman he had used had unleashed Kathryn’s.

  The bell chimed, causing him to momentarily put all thoughts aside as he rushed to the door. When he pulled it open, his brother stood there with Porsche by his side, his face wracked with worry.

  “What’s the urgency?” Bill asked Gareth as he rushed past him and into the hallway. “Is Kathryn alright?”

  “No ... yes,” Gareth said running his hand through his hair.

  “Well, what is it?” Porsche asked him impatiently. “I hate the way neither of you can ever get straight to the point.”

  �
��Let me pour you both a drink then I’ll explain.”

  Bill and Porsche followed Gareth into the living room and waited whilst he poured brandy from the crystal decanter. Handing them their glasses, he said, “I think you’d both better sit down.”

  “No, I’ll stand. Now tell us what the hell’s going on,” Porsche said.

  For a few moments, words failed Gareth, until finally he whispered, “Kathryn’s left me.”

  Bill gave him a blank stare, as though he couldn’t quite grasp the statement he had just heard.

  “What!” Porsche squealed, as her eyes widened in disbelief.

  Gareth sighed. “She said she wasn’t happy. Things haven’t been that great for some time now.” His throat ached as though the words he spoke had themselves caused him physical pain. He cast his eyes downwards. A moment of shame pulsed through him. His wife had left him for another woman. An echo of humiliation sounded through his mind. A woman who could give her something that he clearly couldn’t, despite trying his hardest to fill that void in her life.

  “I need to sit down,” Porsche said as she marched across the room and sank into the sofa. Gareth took the decanter and refilled his brother’s now empty glass.

  “Is she seeing someone else?” Bill asked, finding his voice.

  The question stabbed at his heart. Forcing himself to meet his brother’s eyes, he said with an air of resignation, “Yes.”

  “I would never have thought she had it in her,” Porsche said, more to herself than to anyone else in the room. “Give me a refill, will you, Gareth?” She held out her empty glass.

  Gareth refilled it, then said, “Well that’s something we can both agree on.” Placing the decanter down on the table, he dropped down heavily into the arm chair. An overwhelming feeling of grief overcame him and he wished the ground would just swallow him up.

  “I just can’t believe it,” Bill said, shaking his head as he lowered himself on to the sofa next to his wife. “I mean, you don’t have any idea who he is?”

  Gareth’s could feel the blood rushing to his face. “Yes. I found a woman on a dating website who said she would try and flirt with her to see if she was a lesbian.” Just hearing himself saying these words aloud made him realise what a fool he’d been.

  “What!?” Porsche asked, spraying the contents of her glass over her white top. Ignoring the stains, she continued in disbelief, “You asked a woman to seduce Kathryn? Did I hear you right?”

  “Flirt, Porsche, not seduce!”

  She glanced at him. “And you’re surprised she left you?”

  He looked up from his drink and looked at her. “Yes, well no ... I don’t know.”

  “How long have you had your suspicions she batted for the same team,” Porsche asked, flicking her hair and staring at him in cold triumph.

  Gareth frowned. “Quite a while, but I just thought it was some sort of phase she was going through.”

  “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but Kathryn has never struck me as the sort of woman who goes through phases of any kind.”

  Time stood still as Porsche’s words stewed in his mind. Could Kathryn have been a lesbian from the beginning? Surely these things didn’t just happen overnight — there would have been signs.

  “So what are you going to do now?” Bill asked.

  Letting out a heavy sigh, Gareth said, “Pray to God that she comes to her senses.”

  “I don’t think that’s very likely considering she actually walked out on you,” Porsche said.

  Gareth slumped down onto his seat and held his face in his hands. “As much as it kills me to admit it, Porsche, I think you’re right!”

  ***

  Kathryn hovered the cursor over the send button before finally pressing down on it. She had just emailed an invoice to her latest client — an eccentric multi-millionaire who had wanted a futuristic-looking home. He had been ecstatic with the end result, which looked like something out of Star Trek. It had been her toughest project yet — not because of the design itself, but because of the emotional turmoil she had been going through. Leaving Gareth had been the hardest thing she had ever done, but it was also the kindest. She knew Gareth didn’t see it that way, but there was no future for them. She was in love with Rachel and there was no denying it anymore. So many times over the last few weeks she had been on the brink of calling her to let her know how she felt but had stopped herself. Uncertainty over the response she would receive and feelings of guilt clouded her mind. But she couldn’t wait any longer — she needed to hear her voice. She picked up the phone and dialled the number she knew by heart.

  “Kathryn?”

  “Hello, Rachel.”

  “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been?”

  “Busy sorting my life out.”

  “And have you?”

  “What?”

  “Sorted you’re life out?”

  “A little ....” Kathryn said hesitantly.

  “I’ve missed you.”

  Kathryn remained silent as Rachel’s words caused her heart to flutter.

  “Kathryn, are you still there?”

  “Yes ... I’ve missed you too,” she said softly.

  “Can I see you?”

  “That’s why I’m calling. I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner or something?”

  “Something?” Rachel teased.

  “Drinks?” Kathryn said, flustered.

  “I was only teasing. Yes, I would love to meet up. When were you thinking?”

  “Tonight? We can go out or you could come over to mine?”

  “Um ... have dinner at yours?” Rachel said in an uncertain tone. “Are you sure that’s wise?”

  “Yes, I’ve got my own place.”

  “You have? What happened to —”

  “It’s a long story, I’ll explain when I see you. I’ll text you my address.”

  “Okay, do you want me to bring anything?”

  “No ... So are you up for trying some oysters tonight?”

  “Hmmm, sounds tempting but I think I’ll pass,” Rachel said lightly.

  Kathryn laughed. “I’ll cover them in tempura batter before grilling them. That way you won’t have to see them.”

  “In that case, I’ll try one.”

  “Good, so I’ll see you around eight?”

  “Perfect, see you then.”

  Kathryn replaced the handset onto the cradle. Was it even humanly possible for one’s heart to sing? Because hers felt as if it was. She opened her desk drawer, withdrew a pad and pen and began writing the ingredients for the evening meal. I hope she’ll try other shellfish. Finishing, she looked around her and smiled — for the first time in years she felt whole.

  CHAPTER 34

  The full moon shone down, casting a silver shadow across the rooftops, the stars a boundless sea of twinkling lights. Kathryn watched from her window as Rachel exited the cab and made her way up the pathway that led to her two-story town house. Kathryn rushed to the front door and just as Rachel was reaching forward with her index finger to press the bell, she swung the door open with a broad smile on her face. “Come in,” she said, feeling all the excitement of being given a precious gift.

  Kathryn’s heart raced as Rachel stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind her. The two women stood in the hallway, staring at each other — unable to look away. The need to touch Rachel was so great that she wasn’t even thinking as she stepped forward closing the gap between them in one quick movement. She embraced her, holding her tightly, losing herself in her soft curves as she moulded to her body. The heat Rachel radiated was intoxicating.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” Kathryn whispered, burying her head against Rachel’s neck, inhaling the freshness of her scent.

  Rachel let out a contented sigh as she held Kathryn tighter. “If someone would’ve told me I would be holding you in my arms tonight I would’ve thought they were insane.”

  After a few moments, Kathryn reluctantly moved back. “Yo
u look so good,” she said, taking in Rachel’s chic print shirt and the black jeans she wore beneath a black knee length coat.

  “So do you.” Rachel said, her eyes not leaving Kathryn’s mouth.

  Kathryn smiled as she led Rachel the short distance to the living room door. “Come through,” she said.

  Rachel followed her into a sparsely furnished living area with a large grey sofa and jade-coloured cushions just feet away from a roaring fire, crackling and hissing underneath a large gold glinted mirror. A glass dining table sat beneath a bay window.

  “Wow, a real fire, did you make it yourself?” Rachel joked.

  “Yes, I’m a woman of many talents,” Kathryn laughed easily.

  “I bet you are,” Rachel said, as she stood only inches away.

  Kathryn’s initial confidence began to wane as her nerves got the better of her. She quickly said, “Can I take your coat?”

  “Thanks,” Rachel replied, acknowledging her apprehension with a smile. She slipped it off before handing it to her then veered towards the fire as Kathryn placed her coat on the back of a chair.

  “This fireplace is absolutely amazing,” Rachel said, warming her hands.

  Seeing Rachel in her home looked so natural to Kathryn. She had wondered over the last few weeks about the reality of sharing her life with another woman and whether she could actually do it. But looking at Rachel now, she knew in her heart that it was something she wanted more than life itself. She only hoped Rachel wanted the same thing.

  “So have you moved into your new place yet?” Kathryn asked watching as Rachel leaned further towards the fire.

  “Yes, it’s like heaven.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. And how are things at work?”

  “Brilliant” Rachel said turning away towards her. “Things have improved drastically since your interview, so much so that Gloria has taken on new staff.”

  “I’m so pleased.” Kathryn suddenly felt tongue tied. She had been waiting for this moment for so long and now that it was here she didn’t know what to do. Maybe what she needed was a glass of wine to take the edge off. “What can I get you to drink? I’ve got white or red wine and beer?”