Guilty Hearts

by Jade Winters

  “Oh,” Kathryn said, pulling the quilt closer to her chest. “So what we did was just like a one night stand for you?”

  Rachel smiled. “No, at least I hope not,” she replied, gently tugging at the quilt.

  Kathryn clamped her hand over Rachel’s stopping her from going any further. “So what is it? You obviously aren’t looking for a relationship.”

  Rachel threw her hands up in an open gesture. “Why does it have to be anything? Why can’t we just enjoy each other until —”

  “Until what? You tire of me? Christ, what was I thinking?” Kathryn asked herself as she sat up abruptly and grabbed her clothes from the floor next to her.

  Rachel frowned. “Kathryn. What is it you want from me?”

  “What do I want?” Kathryn spun around to face her. “Absolutely nothing. You’re right, anything more than a casual fling isn’t worth the hassle. In fact, do you know what — I don’t even think a casual fling is worth it,” she said, the words choking in her throat.

  Rachel attempted to reach out to her. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”

  “You haven’t. I’m glad we both know where we stand before it went any further.”

  “Do you want me to leave?”

  “Yes, I think it’s for the best, don’t you?”

  Kathryn waited for an answer — receiving none, she strode into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

  Hearing the lock turn, Rachel gathered her clothes and quickly dressed. Standing outside the bathroom, she waited for a few moments before gently tapping the door. “Kathryn,” she said quietly, leaning her forehead against the door. Hearing muffled sobs, she felt sick to her stomach. “I’m sorry,” she said as she wondered how her voice could sound so normal when her insides were in turmoil. She ran her hand over her face, feeling as if Kathryn’s sadness had somehow managed to transfer itself into her soul.

  “So am I ... please just go.”

  CHAPTER 35

  “You are well out of order this time. When are you going to quit fucking with people’s emotions?”

  Rachel was shocked to see the anger in Zoe’s normally placid face. “But —”

  Zoe held her hand up in mid air. “Do you know what — I don’t want to hear it. I warned you about getting involved, but, oh no, you have to be the big player. Getting what you want, regardless of the consequences. Preying on a woman who didn’t ask you to come into her life and turn it upside down. You chose to do that, with that sick fuck of a husband of hers. Everything is such a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s time you realised that you are dealing with real people here. Yeah, so your dad fucked your mum over. Does that give you the right to do the same to others?”

  Rachel stood still, shocked by Zoe’s outburst. “If you would just hear me out for a minute, I’ve tried ringing her to explain but she won’t answer my calls.”

  “You know what? Neither would I. I bet she’s as fed up with your bullshit as I am. I need to get out of here. I can’t bear to be in the same space as you at the moment.”

  As Zoe stormed out, Rachel sat at the bottom of the stairs feeling numb, recalling the previous evening’s events. She couldn’t understand how things had taken such a drastic turn, after what had been a wonderful evening. What’s wrong with me? Why do I always have to fuck things up? She was damned if she knew. All her life it had been the same — whenever she felt any resemblance of a normal emotion she clammed up, almost suffocating on a feeling of dread. Am I going to live the rest of my life in the shadow of my father’s destructive legacy? When he’d disappeared out of her life, she had always believed he would come back, despite her mother telling her he wouldn’t. All traces of him were removed over night and it was as if he never existed in the first place. Her mother forbade her from talking about him, only stating that he had ruined their once happy lives by running off with another woman. What did it really matter? She wiped the tears from her eyes. I’m not a child anymore, and he’s dead, so what does it all matter? I don’t need anyone. She stood up defiantly and headed up to her bedroom, flopping down on her bed, her mind filled with thoughts of Kathryn.

  Half an hour later Rachel looked up as her bedroom door opened.

  Zoe’s hand shook a white hanky through the crack of the door. “Is it safe to come in?”

  “Yes,” Rachel laughed.

  “I’m sorry I lost it,” Zoe said as she sat on the edge of the bed. “I just can’t bear to see you keep hurting yourself.”

  Rachel remained silent.

  “I think you need to read whatever is in this, Rachel,” she said, withdrawing a large envelope from behind her back.

  “I thought I’d thrown that away?” Rachel said, recognising the handwriting as her father’s.

  “Yeah well, you’re too impulsive for your own good sometimes. That’s why I took it back out of the bin. Maybe it will contain the answers you’ve been looking for, then you can move on.”

  “I doubt it. He left us, that’s all there is to it.”

  “There’s always two sides to a story, Rachel. Why don’t you read what he has to say?” Zoe stood and walked to the door, pausing before she walked through. “I’ll be downstairs if you need to talk.”

  Rachel stared at the envelope for a long time before tentatively picking it up and unsealing the flap at the back. She dipped her hand in and withdrew the letter. As she did, pieces of newspaper clippings fluttered carelessly down to the floor. She bent down, scooping them up, her face a sea of confusion. Why would her father send her clippings? She opened the white sheet of folded paper, and her eyes travelled down the page as she read.

  My dearest Rachel

  Where do I begin after so long? I have so much to say but so little time left. What I need you to know is how much I love you. Not a day has passed that I have not thought about you and wondered if you have grown into the beautiful woman that I always dreamt you would. I hope your life has turned out well despite having a father like me.

  Rachel closed her eyes. She didn’t want to read anymore, didn’t want to hear his excuses. What could possibly justify him leaving her, when she had needed her daddy so badly? Taking a deep breath, she resumed reading.

  I don’t know what your mother told you about me leaving but you need to hear my side of the story and why I did what I did. I’m not proud of myself for the way I dealt with things but it was the only way I knew how at the time. Looking back now, I wish I had let the proper authorities deal with it, as that would have meant I would have still been able to remain a father to you. But walking in and finding that animal in your bed, trying to touch you, like a man would his wife, was more than I could bear.

  Rachel’s blood ran cold — what the fuck was he talking about? She frantically read the clippings.

  Local man Max Lexington, 36, has been charged today with the unlawful killing of his brother-in-law Michael Thompson, 34, of Hackney, north London. Mr Lexington allegedly walked in as Mr Thompson was attempting to sexually abuse his nine-year-old daughter, who cannot be named for legal reasons. Mr Lexington pleaded guilty at the crown court today. He was denied bail and remanded in custody. The case continues.

  Rachel just barely reached the bathroom before she began retching into the toilet bowl. No, no, it couldn’t be true — it was a lie. Why would he say things like that? Surely she would remember. Wouldn’t she? She couldn’t even remember her mum’s brother. Surely her mother wouldn’t have lied to her for all these years, letting her believe that her father had abandoned her. Could she be that cruel?

  “Rachel, are you alright?” Zoe’s concerned voice called from the other side of the door.

  Gathering all the strength she could, she pulled herself up out of her slump and opened the door.

  “What the hell happened to you?” Zoe asked, shocked at Rachel’s pale appearance.

  “The paper,” she said faintly.

  “What paper?”

  “In there.”

  “What are you talking about?” Zoe said, ta
king her by the arm and coaxing her out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.

  Zoe looked at the scattered paper clippings on the floor. “What are they about?”

  “They’re ... about ... my ... father, read them.”

  Zoe picked them up, reading each piece in silence, her expression changing as the painful words hit home. She held her hand to her mouth. “Oh my God, Rachel.” Her voice sank to a whisper as tears welled in her eyes. “Oh, Rachel,” she repeated, stepping forward to take her in her arms. “Oh, baby,” she said rocking her. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice choked.

  “Why wouldn’t my mum have told me?”

  “I don’t know. It’s no excuse, but maybe she wanted to protect you, and thought she was doing the right thing.”

  “Do you think she did the right thing?” Rachel asked.

  “It’s not about being right or wrong, I don’t know what the answer is,” Zoe said, easing Rachel onto the bed and sitting beside her, her arm around her shoulder. “But she should have got you counselling, even if she couldn’t have dealt with it herself, she should have gotten help for you.”

  “But why wouldn’t she have told me the truth about my father? Why did she let me grow up hating him?”

  “Rachel, people do the strangest things. She may be your mother but she obviously had her own issues and to think that her own flesh and blood had ...” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. Anger boiled within her as she fought to maintain a neutral voice. “Tried to hurt you,” she said instead.

  “Can you read the rest of the letter for me?”

  “Of course I will. Where did you get up to?”

  “The bit where ... where he walked in and ...”

  “It’s alright, I’ve found it,” Rachel said then cleared her voice. “I just wanted him to get away from you, you were screaming but he wouldn’t go. He didn’t realise I had come home early from work. He thought nobody was home. I only had the knife in my hand because I was chopping up vegetables in the kitchen when I heard you scream. I thought you had hurt yourself, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw — then I lost it. I don’t regret killing him, what I do regret is what happened to you. I have been released from prison on compassionate leave because I’m dying,” Zoe’s voice stuttered, before continuing. “I would have so loved to have seen you just one last time — hold on a second,” she said, trying to regain her composure. “But it’s not meant to be. Please forgive me, Rachel, and know that I will always be with you. I love you. Your loving father.” Zoe sobbed, unable to contain herself any longer. The women embraced, both incapable of stemming the flow of tears.

  “All these years I’ve hated him, when he didn’t leave me at all.”

  “No, he didn’t. I’m sorry you found out this way, Rach.”

  “You weren’t to know. What am I going to do?”

  Wiping the tears from her eyes, Zoe brought her emotions under control. “Well, the first thing is to talk to someone about all this. I’m too close to you for me to be able to help you in a professional capacity, but I will refer you to my friend and colleague Gillian. Then I think you should call your uncle and find out where your dad’s buried. Then go and make peace with him.”

  CHAPTER 36

  Kathryn sat by the large window of a French cafe with Jo, unconsciously drawing sad faces onto the steamy window. She still wore her jacket as the air was chilly and only slightly warmer than the bleak weather outside. Not that Kathryn cared about her surroundings; she had more important things on her mind.

  “My life’s a bloody mess!” Kathryn said, rubbing out the face with the palm of her hand.

  “Hey, what’s happened?” Jo asked. “Are you regretting leaving Gareth?”

  She shook her head and she dried her hand with a napkin. “No.”

  “Then what is it? If you don’t tell me I can’t help you.”

  Kathryn toyed with her wine glass before eventually answering. “I’ve slept with somebody.”

  Jo’s face beamed. “I knew it! Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “Because I didn’t think anything was going to happen.”

  “So tell all. Who is he?” Jo said, the excitement evident on her face.

  Kathryn looked at her friend. She was apprehensive. Should I tell her? Taking a sip of her wine, she knew she had to confide in someone. Jo wouldn’t judge her — that she was sure of. Mustering all the courage she had, she replied confidently, “It’s not a he ... it’s a she.”

  “What!” Jo spurted out the wine she had just sipped, then dabbed at her mouth, trying to compose herself.

  “It’s a woman,” Kathryn said in a hushed voice, her confidence slightly knocked by Jo’s reaction.

  “What do you mean it’s a woman?”

  “I’m in love with a woman,” Kathryn said, dropping her gaze with something like relief. She had been going insane having no one to talk to about what had happened.

  Jo grinned. “Well, I’m speechless,” she said, obviously trying to get her head around the bombshell her friend had just landed on her. “You are the last person on this earth I would have expected to hear something like that from.”

  Kathryn raised her eyes to meet her friend’s then laughed. “Am I that bad?”

  “Far from it, you’re that good! Mother Theresa had nothing on you,” Jo teased. “Anyway how did it happen and more to the point where did you meet her?”

  “Well, it just so happens you’ve seen a picture of her.”

  “I have?” Jo asked, raising her eyebrows.

  Kathryn nodded her head. “Yep, you remember Rachel, the journalist.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Jo gasped, “You slept with her?” she almost shouted.

  “Shhh,” Kathryn said as other diners turned to stare at the commotion.

  “But ... but I mean when did it go from having an interview with her, to ending up in bed together?” Jo said in a more hushed voice.

  “A few nights ago and it wasn’t in bed, it was on the sofa, then ....”

  “Alright show off, no need to brag,” Jo said, laughing. “I can’t believe it. So how did it, you know, happen?”

  “She came by for dinner, we got talking and then it sort of just happened,” Kathryn told her matter-of-factly.

  “Whoa, hold it there. How can having an encounter with a woman just sort of happen?”

  “I don’t know but it did.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “What was is bloody like?” Jo laughed, reached across the table and squeezed Kathryn’s hand, offering her reassurance.

  “It was ...” Kathryn stopped and looked up whilst she tried to find an appropriate word. “Amazing.”

  “I have to say I’m really shocked.”

  “You can’t be any more shocked than me, I still can’t believe it. I feel so guilty, even though I’m no longer with Gareth, I still feel like I’ve been unfaithful.”

  “Oh come on, honey, you’re separated. It’s not the same as cheating on him when you’re still together,” Jo said, reassuringly.

  “Say it enough times and I might start to believe it,” Kathryn said sadly.

  “Anyway,” Jo said, perking up. “That’s one feather in your cap for being daring and adventurous. Hell, I’ve had my own fantasies about women. I wish a stunner like Rachel would make a move on me.”

  Kathryn looked at her, shocked.

  “I don’t tell you everything, you know. A girl has to have some secrets.” Jo drank her wine. “Have you ever been attracted to women before?”

  “Yes, from as far back as I can remember,” Kathryn said truthfully. “After my mum died, my sexuality just wasn’t a priority anymore, just being loved by someone was.” And that person just happened to be Gareth. “From the moment I laid eyes on Rachel, I just felt it — you know, how you always used to go on about how you felt when you met Ben, that you just knew he was the one. Well, that’s how I felt about Rachel but I just couldn’t admit it.”

>   “Until now,” Jo said.

  “Yes, until now.” Rachel’s touch had burnt into her and left a scorched mark that only she could extinguish — there was no going back.

  “But if you knew you were attracted to women, how could you have coped with ...” Jo didn’t need to continue, Kathryn caught her drift.

  “We’ve always had a brother-sister type relationship. Sex wasn’t a regular occurrence, and I didn’t think I was missing anything until last week.”

  “So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell him about her?” Jo asked.

  “I don’t know, I really don’t. The next morning didn’t go down too well. I think I came on too strong.”

  “How so?”

  “I just stupidly thought that once we, you know — did it, we’d just automatically be a couple.”

  “And I take it that wasn’t what she wanted.”

  Kathryn shook her head and stared down into her glass. She had been so upset when Rachel had been blasé about everything. The whole encounter had been a big deal for her, and she thought Rachel felt the same way but the look on her face when they talked about relationships, soon had her thinking otherwise.

  “Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve been out of the dating game a long time. Look at it from her perspective — you’re still married, at least on paper. Why should she invest all her emotions in you, when she doesn’t know how things are going to pan out with you and Gareth?”

  “So do you think I should try again?”

  “Yes, I do, but just take things slow. What’s meant to be will be. Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me Kath, I thought we didn’t keep secrets from each other?”

  “I don’t know I really don’t. Once I married Gareth it just didn’t seem important anymore.”

  “It would have mattered to me. I could have at least tried to talk some sense into you about marrying him.”