Guilty Hearts

by Jade Winters

  Kathryn reached over and squeezed Jo’s hand. “If I’m honest I don’t think I was ready to face it at that time. I truly believe there’s a time for everything and that just wasn’t mine.”

  The waitress appeared at their table to take their order. “Can I get you ladies some more drinks?”

  “Yes, please, a dry white wine — a large one!” Jo said. “I think I need it!”

  CHAPTER 37

  Rachel glanced over at her uncle as the grey pick-up truck snaked its way through the narrow cemetery roads, passing both old and new tombstones. She was again taken aback with the uncanny resemblance to her father, “I’m really sorry about the way I treated you when you came to see me.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I would have reacted the same.”

  “I just don’t understand why I wasn’t told.”

  “We couldn’t find you and believe me we searched. Once your mum changed your surnames, you sort of disappeared off the radar.”

  He brought the truck to a halt at a copious mound of freshly dug mud, clumped together so it rose inches from the ground. A solitary wooden cross sat at the top end, bearing the name of her father on a brass plate.

  “Here he is,” he said, nodding towards it.

  He opened his side of the car, the scent of freshly cut grass breezed in, replacing the odour of stale cigarettes. She bit on her bottom lip, her sweaty hands gripping each other. Feeling the tingling at the back of her eyes, she slowly closed them. She felt the cool breeze as her door was opened and her uncle held out his hand to her.

  “I know if there’s an afterlife, he’ll be happy that you’re here,” he said.

  She looked up at him, a quivering smile on her lips, before hesitantly taking his hand and allowing herself to be edged towards her father’s final resting place. Hovering for a few moments, she kowtowed to the mound of fresh earth.

  “I’m here, Dad,” she choked, her vision blurred by the tears. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she repeated over and over as she skimmed her hands across the dirt.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Rachel asked the mound as if it held the answers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Her uncle looked away, searching for a cigarette in his pocket and lighting it, then taking a deep inhale of smoke. After a short while, he bent down beside her, putting a strong hand on her shoulder. “You were the one thing that got him through the day. Knowing you were safe — you were his life.”

  “But I grew up hating him,” she said, turning to him. She knew she must have looked a pitiful sight, with traces of dirt intermingling with her tears. “He died thinking I hated him.”

  “Come on now, he never thought any such thing. He knew if you knew the truth, you wouldn’t have hated him. Life just panned out the way it did — it’s no one’s fault.”

  “It is,” she said, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “My mum should have told me the truth, she should have let me see him.”

  He took a deep breath and flicked his cigarette onto the road. “I think she just went into denial. She didn’t want to believe that her own flesh and blood could have tried to ... well, you know,” he said awkwardly.

  “But I don’t remember any of it.”

  “You’ve blocked it out, Rach, it was a traumatic experience for you.”

  “Why didn’t he just call the police?”

  “I’ve asked myself that a thousand times. But your dad was always impulsive about everything — seeing that monster in your bed just made him snap.”

  “What a mess,” she said more to herself. All of those years, wasted on anger and resentment. Why didn’t she try to find her father and hear his side of the story instead of just taking what her mum had told her as the truth? She knew the way the world worked — the lies and deceit people were capable of. Why hadn’t she applied the same rule to her mother? Instead, for years she had gone on unquestioning every lie she ever told her and now it was too late.

  Her uncle struggled to his feet. “I’ll leave you alone to have a few words — take all the time you need,” he said, giving her shoulder a quick rub before going back to the truck.

  ***

  “Do you feel better now you’ve been to the cemetery?” Zoe asked Rachel as they both sat on the window seat in their living room.

  “Definitely, I feel like I’ve reclaimed a part of my life.” Rachel looked out of the window at the traffic buzzing past, each of the occupants with their own dramas.

  “Good, I’m glad,” Zoe said, watching her as she stared out of the window. “I really love you, you know.”

  “I know you do and I love you too,” Rachel said, looking at her briefly with a weak smile.

  “Do you fancy hanging out with me and Cody tonight?”

  “As much as I’d love to,” Rachel said as she closed the curtain. “I can’t, I’ve got plans. How are things between you both now?”

  “They’re good. She finally admitted she wanted a relationship so I can see a future for us.”

  “I’m so glad Zoe, you two are good together.”

  “Thanks,” she replied, glancing across at Rachel as she put her boots on. “Oh no, please don’t tell me you’re going bar hopping.”

  Rachel laughed. “Nope, I think those days are well and truly over.”

  “Boy, am I glad to hear that,” Zoe said, pretending to wipe sweat from her brow. “Then where are you off to?”

  “To see if I can salvage anything with Kathryn,” Rachel said, swooping down to pick her mobile phone from the seat.

  “Do you think you’re ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be,” Rachel said, smiling as she stood and left the room.

  CHAPTER 38

  “It’s a nice place,” Gareth said, glancing around Kathryn’s living room. “Very compact.”

  “It serves its purpose,” Kathryn said, ignoring the sarcasm in his voice. It may not be a penthouse, but it’s mine and you don’t live here.

  “I’ve brought your mail,” he said, removing several envelopes from the inside of his dark blue blazer and handing them to her.

  “Thank you.”

  “So how have you been?” he asked, remaining close by her side, his familiar scent now feeling like a distant memory.

  “Good.”

  “You look tired.”

  “I am a bit, we’ve had an influx of orders from cat owners,” she said, smiling as she flicked through her mail, wishing he would back off and stop invading her space.

  “And you’re actually pleased about that?”

  “Yes, I am,” she said in a steady, low pitched voice. She was damned if he was going to make her feel like she was doing something wrong. He had done that for most of their marriage and she wasn’t going to let him do it anymore.

  “I don’t think you’ve come this far in your career to end up designing cat pads.”

  “It’s not all I do, but it makes a change at the moment,” she said, leaning back slightly to create some space between them.

  “You seem to be making a lot of changes.”

  “That’s a bit below the belt, Gareth,” she said, carelessly throwing her mail on the dining table, unable to move away from him despite the discomfort she felt.

  “Is it? Is it really? You think just deciding one day that you no longer want to be married is something that should just be swept underneath the carpet?”

  “I’m not saying that.”

  “Then what are you saying? Because from where I’m standing, you’re not saying very much.”

  “I told you I just need time to sort my head out.” she said, raking her hand through her hair.

  “And have you?”

  Kathryn nodded her head and stared down at her hands.

  “And?” he asked, slightly raising his voice. “It seems I’m the last to know about anything that’s going on in that head of yours.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, looking up at him, her eyes widening.

  “That Jo has been mak
ing the rounds, telling people we’ve separated.”

  “I’m sorry, she had no right to do that.”

  “So what have you decided? Are you serious about getting a divorce or do you want to come home?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Kathryn shook her head. “I can’t come back, Gareth.”

  “And why not?” he asked with a fixed stare.

  “Because ... I don’t love you.” She could feel her stomach tightening as the words left her mouth.

  “I see.”

  She noticed him flinch as if she had delivered him a physical blow. “I’m sorry, Gareth, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “So what do you think you’re doing?” he asked, his voice hardening.

  “Setting you free, so you can find someone you truly deserve.”

  He let out a dismissive laugh. “What a load of old tosh. Do you think we’re in the middle of a tacky romance novel, where we break up and we both find love again and live happily ever after? Don’t be so bloody naïve, Kathryn — this is real life, crap like that only happens in fiction.”

  “That may well be, but I just don’t think it’s fair on either of us to live unhappily,” she said, finally finding the strength to move across the room.

  “Who said I was unhappy?” he asked, squinting his eyes as they followed her.

  “Aren’t you, Gareth? Things haven’t been right between us for a long time.” She threw her hands up in the air, suddenly feeling very tired, just wanting to diffuse the friction. “Look, why don’t I make us a coffee?”

  He stared at her for a long time, his face revealing nothing, until it visibly softened and he let out a sigh. “Okay, can you make it a tea instead? Coffee is giving me the jitters lately.”

  “Tea it is then,” she said, laying her hand on his arm as she walked past him.

  At the sound of the doorbell, Kathryn called out from the kitchen. “Can you answer that for me, Gareth? I’m expecting a delivery.”

  “Okay,” he called back.

  Opening the front door, he blinked several times before focusing his eyes on the woman that stood there.

  “You!” he said

  Rachel said nothing, she just looked down at her feet.

  “Jesus Christ. I don’t believe this, what are you doing coming to where my wife lives?”

  “I —”

  “Listen to me very carefully, I don’t know what your game is but it had better not include my wife.”

  “Look —”

  “I haven’t finished. If you don’t back off from her, I’m going to have to tell her about our little — what shall we say? — pre-planned event that we staged. Believe me, if she ever found out the truth about you and what you’re really like, let’s just say the likelihood of there being a friendship is nil.”

  “You wouldn’t tell her,” Rachel blurted out in disbelief.

  “Wouldn’t I? Do you really want to test me? I thought not, now go back to the stone you crawled from underneath. Your kind is not the sort Kathryn needs around her.”

  With that, he shut the door in her face, hoping that would be the last he ever saw of her. The truth was, the threat he made had been an idle one. Not only would Kathryn not be able to forgive Rachel, she wouldn’t forgive him, which would scupper any chance of the reunion he so badly craved.

  “It was just a charity collection,” he said as he sat down on the sofa, gracefully accepting the tea Kathryn handed him.

  “Oh, which one?”

  “Um ... er ... Cancer research, I slipped them a few quid.”

  “Good.”

  “So where were we?”

  Kathryn sighed. “There’s no point us keep going over it, Gareth, we both just need to move on.”

  “Just like that?”

  “There isn’t ever going to an easy way to end it. Believe me, I’ve thought about it.”

  “Just know one thing, Kathryn,” he said, putting his cup on the table. “I think one day you’re going to realise that you’ve made a mistake and when you do I will be waiting ... I’ll never stop fighting for you,” he said.

  “Please don’t waste your time thinking that there’s going to be another chance — there’s not.”

  “Somehow, I think you’re wrong.” As far as he was concerned, now that Rachel was no longer in the picture, there wouldn’t be any reason for her wanting out of their marriage.

  CHAPTER 39

  “Do you think he really meant it, that he’d actually tell her that he set the whole of your meeting up?” Zoe asked.

  “Yes I do, what has he got to lose, she’s already left him,” Rachel said, nursing her wine.

  “What a bastard,” Zoe said, as she caught the bartender’s attention with her hand. “Another round please.”

  “I don’t blame him in a way. I don’t think his wife leaving him was part of the plan when he asked me to meet her.”

  “Yeah, well it’s his own bloody fault, that’s what happens when you play with fire,” Zoe said, pouring her beer into a frosted glass.

  “Have a heart, Zoe, no one’s come out of this smelling of roses,” Rachel said, leaning her elbows on the bar, her face disappearing into her hands.

  “Apart from the innocent victim in this — Kathryn. So what are you going to do now?”

  “There’s nothing I can do. I can’t risk her finding out the truth. She’d never forgive me. Looking back, I can’t believe I ever agreed to do it in the first place — what on earth was I thinking?” She let out a small sound of displeasure.

  “You weren’t, Rachel, that’s the problem,” Zoe said sadly. “I think you’re running on auto pilot has a lot to do with your childhood. Emotions have a way of playing out in the most unexpected of ways.”

  “That’s no excuse for the way I behaved. Like you said at the start of all this, it would have been different if it was consensual but to do it behind her back is inexcusable,” Rachel said, lifting her face up, a pained expression crossing her features.

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s not been that much harm done. I think in the end she would have left him whether she would have met you or not. You were just the catalyst to their undoing.”

  “What a joke though, the first time I fall in love this happens.”

  “Whoa, lets back up for a minute. Did you just mention the word love?” Zoe’s mouth dropped.

  “I think ... I think I did.” Rachel sat erect in her chair.

  “Oh my God, I never thought I’d live to see the day when you muttered that word out of your mouth.”

  “I think I fell in love with her the first time I met her,” Rachel said, her body suddenly slouching.

  “These last couple of months really have been a learning curve for you, haven’t they?”

  “In more ways than one.” Rachel sighed. “It’s just going to take time to not feel angry at my mum. I still can’t believe the way she dealt with things.”

  “I think she coped with it by falling into a depression where she wouldn’t have to deal with reality. I think she was traumatised as well by the whole event.”

  “It’s understandable, I suppose,” Rachel said, linking her arm around Zoe’s shoulders and pulling her in for a hug.

  ***

  In only a few ticks of time, Rachel’s life had crumbled. What could have been the start of something great was marred by lies and deceit and it was all of her own doing. She sat looking at the blank screen in front of her, having told Gloria she would be working from home for a while. She’d been staring at it for well over an hour, hoping some kind of inspiration would take a hold of her but it continued to elude her. The chime of the doorbell alerted Rachel to the fact that a world existed outside her own. Reluctantly pushing herself away from the desk, she went to the window, opening the blinds with a tentative finger to peer down beneath her.

  “Shit,” she hissed between clenched teeth, as she saw Kathryn standing patiently at her door. Her first instinct was to ignore her and pretend she wasn�
�t in. She stood as still as a mannequin, barely breathing, afraid that Kathryn would be able to hear her. She jerked back suddenly as Kathryn looked up at the window as if sensing her there, banging her head on the wall behind her in the process and biting down on her hand in order to stop herself from yelling ‘ouch’. Tenderly she rubbed the small bump that was already forming on the back of her head. Can things get any worse? The doorbell chimed again.

  “Just go away,” Rachel said under her breath. She pressed her back up against the wall as if she was in a firing line. The sound of Kathryn’s muffled voice on the phone, moving away from the house, gave her a sense of relief as she pressed her face close to the blind, seeing her retreating figure walking back towards to her car. Just as she thought she was home free, she heard the rattling sound of Zoe’s keys in the door and saw Kathryn turn back towards the house. Peering through the blind, she saw Kathryn shaking Zoe’s hand and then glancing up at the window, their voices muffled. To Rachel’s shock, the two of them walked up the path and after a few seconds entered the house.

  “Rachel,” Zoe called out. “Rachel,” she tried a second time.

  Is she for real? Rachel thought angrily. Wasn’t it obvious to Zoe that she hadn’t answered the door because she didn’t want to see Kathryn?

  She backed away from the window as she heard Zoe taking the stairs two at a time and then briskly pushing open her door.

  “Didn’t you hear the door?” Zoe asked her.

  “Yes, I did, but I’m trying to work, as you can see,” Rachel said, pointing at the blank screen.

  “Yeah, great work,” Zoe said sarcastically. “Anyway, Kathryn is downstairs.”

  “Are you kidding me? You know I can’t see her again.”

  “Sorry, but I’m not going to lie for you,” Zoe said, walking away.

  Rachel paced her room for a few minutes before building enough courage to go downstairs.

  “You’re the last person I expected to see, I thought you were still angry at me,” Rachel said, jumping off the last two steps.

  “I’m not angry with you, Rachel, I’m angry at myself. I had no right to have any kind of expectations from you, I’ve been trying to call you and you haven’t returned my calls.”